I have a huge crush on my boss

[Fm1234]

First of all, apologies if this is the wrong place for this topic. I couldn’t decide on this or relationship advice. Please move/remove as necessary and I can repost. 
 

Hi everyone,

For simplicity, here, I’m going to refer to myself in the first person (I’m male), the female subject (27 years old as Y, my daughter (5 years old) as X and her son (6 years old) as Z. 

So, I met Person Y around 4 years ago for the very first time. We were working in different departments at the time but it was during a weekend shift and she was one of the only managers on shift so I needed to go see her about something (we’re office based). After I’d spoken to her, all I could think about for the rest of the day was how beautiful she was and how lovely she had seemed. 

Same thing happened on a few various occasions over the next year or so. 

Then, around a year or so ago (perhaps longer) I was placed in her team, starting a brand new project. 

Now this was during covid time and we’d had no interaction for years so I didn’t exactly remember her fully, but I recognised the name and knew I knew her. 

And then we met. And I was pretty smitten again. I work from home a lot for personal reasons but have started working in the office more and more just to be near her. 

Now, here’s the situation:

I’m single, and have been apart from one or two very short term relationships since I split with my daughter’s (X) mother. I’m 28 years old and in a very good, comfortable place overall. I get on well with X’s mother. X has a few disabilities including being deaf. 

Y is 26, single, and has plenty of issues. Z, her 6 year old son is at a new school after the last school weren’t equipped to handle him (they believe he is in the autistic spectrum and are awaiting the lengthy process in this country (the UK) for a diagnosis. His new school is much better but believe after a few weeks he needs to be attending a special measures school, something Y and Z’s father are in agreement with. 

This weekend the four of us (X, Y, Z and myself) are supposed to be going out to a children’s event nearby as we thought it would be nice for the kids to spend some time together (they’re never met). This may or may not get cancelled as neither Y nor Z are well at the second. 

I have absolutely no ideas whether Y is interested or not. I’ve been told by a trusted colleague that she’d had a lot going on (as I’m already aware of) and that she likely isn’t looking to date right now. When I suggested she was way out of my league,  I was told this was rubbish as I’m a lovely person and whilst this could just be her being nice to be, this person is very blunt and tells it how it is. 

When I’m work, sometimes, for personal reasons, I sit a short distance  away from the team. We occasionally make eye contact that holds for a few seconds and smile at one another. 

When I’m say with the team , whenever she walks passes me, she always touches my back, shoulder or arm briefly as she walks by. This could however be due to the fact I’ve been unwell. 

We have multiple meeting per week together as I’m currently her second in command (I hate that phrase but if she’s off, I’m in charge, basically. Whilst we do talk about work related things, we spend around 75% of our conversations talking about our personal lives instead and getting to know one another better. I know this is relatively normal in the workplace for people to get to know one another so I’m not reading too much into this. 

The problems I’ve got are:
- I think she’s way out of my league 
- she has a lot going on in her personal life 
-‘I’m getting close to promotion under her tutelage and wouldn’t want to jeopardise this

But basically, I think she’s amazing. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, her personality is wonderfully radiant and I just think we’d suit each other well. 

As I mentioned earlier she’s not been too well lately so keeps cancelling her days in the office and working from home instead and I keep offering to take her anything she needs or offering support with childcare etc which she has thus far declined but has said she will do if she needs it. 

So I guess I’ve got 3 questions I need help with. 
1. How do I find out if there is a way to determine whether she’d be interested Interested in me that way?
2. What should my next steps be?

3. Do I just need to try and get over it?

TLDR: major crush on boss, what should I do next?

Thanks in advance!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Fm1234 said:

I split with my daughter’s mother. Y is 26, single, and has plenty of issues. 

Sorry this is happening.  (I'm going to use nouns as it's less confusing than letters).

It's great that you can connect with a coworker about your children. It's also great you have maintained a good co-parenting relationship with your child's mother.

However as your boss/supervisor it's completely inappropriate to pursue you in any manner whatsoever.

It's great you have a mutual support system and have bonded through discussions about single parenting and your children. 

However, it's best to cherish the friendship and collegial relationship rather than try to pursue a messy inappropriate workplace romance and potentially damage not only your friendship but your jobs.

Edited October 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

The first question you need to answer is does your work have rules against managers dating their subordinates. Even if they don't, if you decided to start dating her, you would definitely need to change teams.

 

Other than that, I say go for it. Everybody discards work place romances as some horrible idea, but it's one of the few places people can meet over an extended period of time which can allow attraction to grow naturally, unlike say online dating.  Now, like you say, she might not be up for dating because she has so much going on, however I think the fact that you both have kids is a bonus, as kid play dates can be a chance for the two of you to get to know each other better. Don't worry about "leagues". Either she'll be open to the idea of dating, or she won't. But believing she's out of your league will do you no favours in the courting process.

[glows]

Aside from asking her out there is no way to tell and very little to substantiate what she feels for you. She sounds professional and nothing else. 

As this doesn’t sound like any old job and you’re seeing your career unfold here and a promotion, I’d think through carefully whether you’re jumping the gun and thinking too much over someone who isn’t an appropriate option to date.

She’s also your boss and any care or concern she’s shown you may be one as a leader leading a team. This isn’t just a coworker. You may be misinterpreting her actions towards you.

Obviously if a person disregards their position and wants to pursue dating coworkers (don’t care where you work next or potential fall out) then you’re more than welcome to throw caution to the wind. It all depends on what risks you’re willing to take. It’s entirely valid for someone not to want to take those risks. Different people have different priorities. Maybe it’s time for you to sort those out for yourself and ask yourself what your priorities are. 
 

On 10/23/2022 at 3:32 AM, Fm1234 said:

The problems I’ve got are:
- I think she’s way out of my league 
- she has a lot going on in her personal life 
-‘I’m getting close to promotion under her tutelage and wouldn’t want to jeopardise this

She may not be single either or in any way attracted to you. Should you decide to go down this route, the only way would be to ask her out. If you’re not confident doing that, leave this as fantasy. 

Meet other people outside of work and make sure you have an active social life. I also want to mention it’s not unusual to be enamoured of someone we respect and that happens or is common enough at work. You say she’s radiant and she may have good leadership abilities. You’re aiming for similar? This may boil down to simple respect for someone you find admirable.

Edited October 25, 2022 by glows

[mortensorchid]

I have said this before and I will say this again : coworkers are NOT FRIENDS.  It is easy to think that they are because you will spend more time with them than you will with anyone else.  You are to be nice but not too nice to them.  Don't share much about yourself with them.  It's all business with just a bit of personal information to fill it in.  With that being said, never have your social or sexual needs met by a coworker.  Humans are social creatures, we crave companionship in some way.  But never do these things with a coworker.  

You want a model?  Daniel Craig as James Bond - cold, indifferent, poker faced sociopath.  You will smile only when you want to.  Be proud of your fearlessness and strength compared to the weakness of others.  

It's all business from this point forward.  Move on.