Dating Someone of a Different Religion

[Will am I]

Theologically there is not even so much difference between RC on one side and and Lutheran plus other reformatorian churches on the other.

I think the biggest difference is what is called the episcopal church model, which propagates the belief that justification and holiness are “passed down the ranks” from God through pope and clergy to the common believers.

In that church model clergy equates to priesthood and there is an implied difference in perceived levels of holiness. That could be an obstacle for someone changing from Lutheran to RC.

But whether or not you enjoy the church community and the people will likely be a more important consideration.

[Alpacalia]

Exactly. I mean, Luther was Catholic, it's just that we rebelled. 

I'm around my Mom's side of the family a lot (Catholics) and they are pretty devout, so I'm kind of used to it (in small doses, at least).

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Exactly. I mean, Luther was Catholic, it's just that we rebelled. 

I'm around my Mom's side of the family a lot (Catholics) and they are pretty devout, so I'm kind of used to it (in small doses, at least).

If you’re open to the idea of being in RC church, then the best advice is to check out your partner’s local church. See if you like the people, the atmosphere.

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, Will am I said:

If you’re open to the idea of being in RC church, then the best advice is to check out your partner’s local church. See if you like the people, the atmosphere.

But I can still attend Catholic church even though I'm a Lutheran, can't I? I have in the past with family and friends that are Catholic. Yes, I can do that (check out his local church), like you suggested. 

[Will am I]

I’m sure the church would be happy to receive you.

It’s when you want more than just visit the church that they might require a conversion. Maybe if at ine point you’d want to get married in his church, or it you considered becoming a member?

[Alpacalia]

Ah, phew. For a moment, I was worried, thinking, oops, I went to RC church when I wasn't supposed to. Okay, thanks Will am I!

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/23/2022 at 7:05 PM, Alpacalia said:

 

Religion has been a non-issue in past relationships, so perhaps it is because of this that I didn't think to touch on it as a discussion point early on? Most of the men I've dated have had similar religious backgrounds and lifestyles. Christian, just different denominations.

...

It's been about seven months now. I think he was just trying to pick my brain on the Catholic thing. I just wish he brought it up sooner if it's something that he is absolutely adamant about.

 

I don't know ... it sounds like you are both starting to get serious and these questions suddenly seem important, as they would not have in the past.   And in case he may be thinking of a future with you, it might have kind of hit him upside the head that then you might have kids, and how would you decide to raise them?  Things that would not necessarily have been in his or your mind earlier on.

I was married to a Jewish woman, and I am and always have been completely unreligious (now I'm full on atheistic).   We raised our daughter observing Jewish traditions  (Judaism is carried down through the mother) though it was very secular; I never thought about converting but I very much enjoyed the holidays and how they are celebrated and still do.    I also loved to go to Catholic church with my Catholic friend growing up.  Very magical rituals, fancy trappings, incense, Latin (I'm so old that Mass was always done in Latin when I was a kid) and the women wore lacy scarves on their heads, or hats.  And mysterious nuns.  What's not to like. 

[Weezy1973]

Dumped a a Catholic woman once because she insisted on raising kids Catholic. I’m not forcing any religion on my kids. If they choose a religion once they’re adults, fair enough. But brainwashing kids is a non starter. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

If you’ve had sex with him - he’s not following the rigid rules of his church.

just saying that because I see you avoided answering the question.

so really, does his pick and choose which parts of his church rules he follows or does he follow all their rules?

Greetings, S2B. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Currently, I do not wish to discuss his sexual practices, or I would have mentioned them in my opening post. My question is more about the differences shared between dating someone of a different religion and converting to another religion.

But to answer your question, the rules he follows in his daily life are not what I would consider rigid. Church attendance, fasting on fast days, charity work, etc., are all things he partakes in. I wouldn't necessarily classify that as rigid, though. Maybe that's why he goes to confession. 

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't know ... it sounds like you are both starting to get serious and these questions suddenly seem important, as they would not have in the past.   And in case he may be thinking of a future with you, it might have kind of hit him upside the head that then you might have kids, and how would you decide to raise them?  Things that would not necessarily have been in his or your mind earlier on.

I was married to a Jewish woman, and I am and always have been completely unreligious (now I'm full on atheistic).   We raised our daughter observing Jewish traditions  (Judaism is carried down through the mother) though it was very secular; I never thought about converting but I very much enjoyed the holidays and how they are celebrated and still do.    I also loved to go to Catholic church with my Catholic friend growing up.  Very magical rituals, fancy trappings, incense, Latin (I'm so old that Mass was always done in Latin when I was a kid) and the women wore lacy scarves on their heads, or hats.  And mysterious nuns.  What's not to like. 

That's a good point, thanks NuevoYorko! I think that we are just beginning the next phase of our relationship and some of these things in particular are being discussed between him and I. For us, these conversations tend to happen in appropriate increments along the way that works for us.

That's pretty awesome (your background). Maybe we would face more challenges if we were on either end of the spectrum (e.g. say, Catholics and Agnostics). That doesn't seem to be the case here considering he's Catholic and I am Lutheran.

LOL about the latin comment when you were a kid. Oh, you aren’t old!

Edited October 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

On 10/25/2022 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

Pretty much my sentiments (faith is the inside: the spiritual truth in your heart).

So, I'm Lutheran and our religion shares a lot of similarities. We just go about it differently in terms of practice and workings.

My take on the general subject, @Alpacalia, is that one shouldn't promise to convert. One may feel receptive to the idea of conversion and even start taking catechism classes and then, along the way, encounter something that makes them change their mind. For example, you may find you have a stronger attachment to Lutheranism than you realized you did. Or there may be something about Catholicism that just doesn't sit well with you. If at that point, you say you've changed your mind about converting, you may be accused of having deceived him.

And then you also want to be sure he's taking an interest in your own faith history and tradition (not with the goal of converting). If he expects you to empathize with where he's coming from spiritually, and if you believe in balanced relationships, then some kind of reciprocity on his part is a good sign. Find out what his intentions are where any children you have are concerned. Must they be raised in his faith? Does he accept that you might want to share your own beliefs with them? 

Formal religion aside, you want to be sure your personal values align. If you're pro-choice, for example, it could be difficult to make things work with someone who isn't. You may get pregnant and not want to keep it. He wouldn't react well to that. Alternatively, your daughters, if you have any together, may face the same dilemma. You also want to consider whether your views on LGBT matters align. Ditto your views on treatment for mental illness. These are just a few examples. Obviously, folks of whatever religion have a variety of views on these issues (as individuals). They may or may not be directly influenced by their religions' teachings. So it's good to know where your guy and you stand.

Edited October 27, 2022 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

If you’ve had sex with him - he’s not following the rigid rules of his church.

just saying that because I see you avoided answering the question.

so really, does his pick and choose which parts of his church rules he follows or does he follow all their rules?

I think it's not possible for anyone to follow ALL the rules of any religion or culture. There are bound to be contradictory rules or those that fit one context and not another. So, technically speaking, everyone plays the pick and choose game.

[Will am I]

There is this thing about RC and marriage and children. 

I believe that is a church member wants to marry in the RC church, they will require that the spouse is also a Catholic. I’m not entirely sure of this, hopefully someone with experience in the RC church may confirm or correct this statement?

 

If the above statement is indeed correct, this may be the source of his request in the first place.

The alternative is that you can’t get married in the church and the church might not recognize the marriage. That might be a tough nut for his family.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

My take on the general subject, @Alpacalia, is that one shouldn't promise to convert. One may feel receptive to the idea of conversion and even start taking catechism classes and then, along the way, encounter something that makes them change their mind. For example, you may find you have a stronger attachment to Lutheranism than you realized you did. Or there may be something about Catholicism that just doesn't sit well with you. If at that point, you say you've changed your mind about converting, you may be accused of having deceived him.

And then you also want to be sure he's taking an interest in your own faith history and tradition (not with the goal of converting). If he expects you to empathize with where he's coming from spiritually, and if you believe in balanced relationships, then some kind of reciprocity on his part is a good sign. Find out what his intentions are where any children you have are concerned. Must they be raised in his faith? Does he accept that you might want to share your own beliefs with them? 

Formal religion aside, you want to be sure your personal values align. If you're pro-choice, for example, it could be difficult to make things work with someone who isn't. You may get pregnant and not want to keep it. He wouldn't react well to that. Alternatively, your daughters, if you have any together, may face the same dilemma. You also want to consider whether your views on LGBT matters align. Ditto your views on treatment for mental illness. These are just a few examples. Obviously, folks of whatever religion have a variety of views on these issues (as individuals). They may or may not be directly influenced by their religions' teachings. So it's good to know where your guy and you stand.

Thanks.

I did not promise him that I would convert. Initially when he asked what my thoughts were on Catholicism and whether I would consider the possibility of his religion down the road I said I'd be open to it possibly down the road but not something I'd given much thought to. 

After I thought about it a bit and we had some more conversation, I said that I do not intend to convert at the moment, if at all.

I have no plans at the moment to start taking catechism classes either.

I'm spiritual but not highly religious so I don't expect him to adhere to my beliefs necessarily with regards to how we view salvation or even the Pope. The other items you mention we have touched on a little but do need to be discussed more in detail at some point. Right now I'm just focused on spending more time with him doing certain things like attend church. Maybe I'll read a few books for the time being from Amazon about Catholicism. He goes to Yoga with me from time to time, I can read a few books. It will be interesting to learn more about it and I've always been a bit curious myself given my mother and her side of the family's background.

Edited October 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

If he wants you to go to mass with him once in a while, why not? You've already told him you're not interested in converting, but if you are curious to learn more, there is a plethora of information on Catholicism and simply going to mass with him now and then may make both of you feel satisfactory as far as you taking an interest in something that's important to him.

I had the benefit of a full on private catholic education. The whole 9 yards. I also studied comparative religions through college. However  accepting all people and religions was par for the course. I invited jewish friends to midnight mass the same way I was invited to Seder dinner. Open mindedness and acceptance, for me, is the key to understanding.

[mark clemson]

Look into this, but FYI it's my understanding that "whether the kids are Catholic or not" goes via the mother. So, if kids are potentially in the cards, he may hope/want you to convert "at least in name/on the surface" for that reason.

As someone of mixed religious parentage who went to a Unitarian church as a child, isn't in any practicing denomination currently, and believes in God, I agree that ultimately the religion is the "trappings" and "faith is in the heart". However, many in the world do not see things this way, and place a lot of emphasis on dogma and/or "which camp you're in".

Your partner doesn't seem to be one of those. However, IF things start to get very serious, the question of "will the kids be Catholic or not" MIGHT start to become more of an issue. There can be "social" reasons for things like this just as much as "religious" IMO, e.g. he may not want to face disapproval from some of his social group.

Not sure if this will actually become an issue for you (two) or not, but something to be aware of IMO.

[Gaeta]

To answer some of those questions on Catholism.

1. Yes it's possible for a religiously mixed couple to get married in a Catholic Church with the white dress and all. The priest will perform a civil marriage. You can have with that the religious litterature and music, the priest won't bless the wedding that's all. You'll be married in the eyes of the law, not in the eyes of the Catholic Church. 

Catholic Church does not recognize divorces by the way. 

2. Catholic religion is transmitted by batism, it doesn't matter if the mother or father are not Catholic.

[Weezy1973]

To me the main thing is about raising kids should you have them. That’s the main thing I suspect the two of you would need to discuss. If he’s adamant he wants the kids baptized and raised Catholic would that be a problem for you? And would he have a problem raising them Lutheran? Or would you prefer to raise them secular? How would you decide if you disagree? Or is that a dealbreaker?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

2. Catholic religion is transmitted by batism, it doesn't matter if the mother or father are not Catholic.

Thanks for clearing that up for me Gaeta.