My boyfriend is ignoring me

[V_bx]

Thank you all so much for helping me get through this. He wasn’t on holiday with his ex and daughter as I was FaceTiming him Monday and Tuesday 

[IrinaM]

On 10/22/2022 at 1:23 PM, V_bx said:

I said where are you and he said in hospital with my mum, shes getting tests done that i didnt know about

 

On 10/26/2022 at 6:47 PM, V_bx said:

He said he’s lost his head and thinks he has bipolar

what do these two things have to do with each other? was he having his own mental health crisis or was his mother having physical health problems and he needed to be there for her? or is he just throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks?

my two pennies:
he will almost certainly contact you again. he already knows he can treat you any kind of way and you will find some way to justify it to yourself. bipolar adhd etc. he knows you're so hooked on him, and the brain chemical rush you get from messages and facetimes, that you are willing to accept shabby treatment in the name of "love." Decide now what you will do when you receive a text or phone call. Don't count on yourself to be strong in the moment.

in the future, do not allow yourself to get drenched in the outpouring of affection and attention of a new man. Do not allow yourself to be overwhelmed. Imo, spending five days together without even having gone out on a few "typical" friday night type dates was not a great idea. Let a man take you to Olive Garden or whatever before you're spending consecutive days and nights with him.

Also, do not engage in these "constant contact" marathons with a man who is not your husband. again, imo. Chatting on the phone is something that should be done between dates, not in place of dates. Personally I think even one facetime a day is too much, let alone several.

Is this dude still married? I mean legally actually married, not what he feels in his heart or whatever. I hate to say this, but don't think that excessive contact with a man means he can't possibly be with another woman. He could very well be with his wife, it's not difficult to step away. married men do this all the time.

eta: also please take care of yourself as best you can. if you have friends that are willing to come spend time with you, do that. try not to isolate yourself. i can tell you are in a lot of pain, and healing takes time.

Edited October 28, 2022 by IrinaM
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[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/27/2022 at 12:47 AM, V_bx said:

He didn’t show up and has ghosted me again, so cruel and I’m done now 

Good. He is absolutely not dating material. 

In the future, don't let men treat you like this even once. The first time he disappeared was your cue to end it completely. 

[V_bx]

Thank you, I’m hurting big time. I really thought he cared about me and it’s almost like I care more about him than I do myself which I hate but I can’t help it. I miss him so much and we had both said we will make the long distance work. I’m hurt I’ve been ghosted, then he came back and now I’ve been ghosted again. Those few days he was talking to me again I felt good, I was eating again etc I just love seeing his face and he seemed happy. I contacted me so much, even when he was with his daughter or busy he’d still contact me so it’s gone from all to nothing and it’s killing h me

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. 

This guy is just not the man you thought he was. In the future, be very careful to not get invested too quickly when you have spent so little time in person with him. You don't really know a person you rarely see so it's too risky to start imagining a life together. 

Please block this guy, or he will suck you right back into this cycle. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, V_bx said:

 it’s almost like I care more about him than I do myself. I’m hurt I’ve been ghosted, then he came back and now I’ve been ghosted again.  

It's hurts now, but you dodged a bullet. You were overinvolved and overinvested. The pain would be worse if you continued with someone like this.  Delete and block him. You'll do better with someone local and honest who you can see regularly and get to know better.

[Stret]

13 hours ago, V_bx said:

Thank you, I’m hurting big time. I really thought he cared about me and it’s almost like I care more about him than I do myself which I hate but I can’t help it. I miss him so much and we had both said we will make the long distance work. I’m hurt I’ve been ghosted, then he came back and now I’ve been ghosted again. Those few days he was talking to me again I felt good, I was eating again etc I just love seeing his face and he seemed happy. I contacted me so much, even when he was with his daughter or busy he’d still contact me so it’s gone from all to nothing and it’s killing h me

OP, that is why love and drugs are the same in terms of chemical addiction they create in a person. Think of it like that - because it is what it is. You got addicted and now you miss the feeling that the drug created in you - you don't really miss the drug (him) itself. You should never be addicted to anyone, even someone great, let alone a nasty guy who has zero respect for you or your feelings and who is clearly using you to fill his life now that he has issues at home. Then discard you when he doesn't need you. He is a bad person. Good people don't do this. But in your head, you made him into something he's not based on your fantasy and his lies, and it created a feeling that is not based on reality. 
Biggest thing you can do to get some self-respect back is do not answer any of his messages or calls. Even better - block him! Block him and don't unblock him every hour to see if he will contact you. Just move on with your life, onto whatever you have going on around you. Do something for yourself. Learn a new sport, new skill, meditate, go hiking with some hiking groups, read books, whatever works for you. Talk to people - do you have friends? Talk to them. 
As others told you, you dodged a big bullet here. It is actually a great thing that this happened because he could have strung you along for much longer, wasted your time and lowered your self-esteem. I think you're also quite young - maybe in your 20s? Or just didn't have much experience so this is a new thing for you. In either case, never let a man treat you like this, or anyone else. You will be treated the same way as you treat yourself. Right now, you are treating yourself like someone who doesn't deserve respect, love, stability, etc. 

Bigger question, much bigger than him or even your pain right now, is why are you like this? As terrible as it is to be guessing about people you don't know, my guess is that your parents are behind this. Self esteem and how you see and treat yourself is coming from early childhood. Have your parents been hot and then cold? How have they treated you, for real? Look at the book Toxic Parents or read about narcissistic mothers... along with youtube videos on subconscious mind by Bruce Lipton where he explains how childhood experiences affect your whole personality and how to change it. Oh and definitely follow on Instagram Dr. Nicole LePera (The holistic psychologist). She is so clear, so simple and superb. You have to learn where this comes from to avoid the same mistakes later in life, to learn to recognise that even though two guys are totally different, the pattern is the same (for example, you choose someone who is not really available emotionally, or physically, or treats you well one day and like you don't exist the next, etc) . Don't let your unhealthy patterns and nervous system choose things for you. Please for your sake, read this, and if you can, tell me if it helped you to start figuring things out in some way. Finally, of course, this might be a way off...but people figure out the connection between their parents and their personality only in late 30s or 40s. Give it a shot.  

[Stret]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's hurts now, but you dodged a bullet. You were overinvolved and overinvested. The pain would be worse if you continued with someone like this.  Delete and block him. You'll do better with someone local and honest who you can see regularly and get to know better.

...and if you want - instead of answering his messages or calls, ignore it all and come back here and write to us. Block him. And never look back. You will be proud of yourself a few months from now for being strong and not letting him push you around any more. Start making your own destiny in which you have control. 

[V_bx]

Thank you so much, I am actually 38 but 6 years ago I was in a narcissist relationship and it scared me. I know I have an anxious attachment style but this guy never once made me feel anxious or unwanted. Actually the absolute opposite! He was the one making most of the contact, every morning, every evening and in between there would be messages and calls. It did escalate pretty quickly but we both said it was meant to be and how much we were in to each other, the chemistry was incredible and even though we had 5 days together it felt like forever. He’d call me his girl, tell

mr he’s proud of me, give me advice, if I was out with my friends he’d put money in my bank and tell me to get some drinks on him, he cares for me when I was poorly, send me things through the post, he had a personalised birthday card made for me with pics of us on it for my birthday, he’d chat to me in front of his mum on FaceTime. There was just nothing negative and I stupidly thought he was the reason it had never worked out with anyone else. Even when he was spending time with his daughter who he doesn’t see that often he’d still call and message. When he starts contacting me again Sunday he was still quite distant but by Tuesday he’d message saying hey babe with lots of kisses just like he used to. He was the one who said he needed a cuddle and wanted to come and see me but then he didn’t show, for a second time with no explanation. Is that bipolar or pure cruelty? It just doesn’t make sense. I’ve deleted his number and all our messages now but I’m still so broken as I thought he had feelings for me and I’ve just been played…again

[Stret]

Thanks for explaining a bit more. What he did is called love bombing and is actually a classic narcissist behaviour. It happens in the initial stage of the relationship (hoovering) and once he gets you hooked in, he discards you. When you withdraw, he hoovers again, showers with love and presents and attention. This goes on forever until he finally discards you for a new person. I'm happy that you deleted and blocked him. Good on you. You have just done something hard but very right for yourself. I can understand the hurt part and it will take some time to get over it, but when you do, you will see things for what they really were. You might have been played but you know what - I think it is great that you learned something new about people. Now you know more and will be able to select a better boyfriend in the future. There is something positive out of every heartbreak. It all leads to something better, someone better. Don't ever fall for someone without knowing them well. Don't show them how much you care. Don't be available all the time. In the beginning and until you see that it is a good guy, don't give away too much. Empaths attract narcissists and sociopaths. They see that you're vulnerable and weak, they make you their target. It's a bloody jungle out there and we have to be careful. Love can be painful and difficult even between two great individuals. It's all about compatibility and about not lying to ourselves or others. Not letting chemistry choose for us and trick us. 

[NuevoYorko]

45 minutes ago, V_bx said:

this guy never once made me feel anxious or unwanted. Actually the absolute opposite! He was the one making most of the contact, every morning, every evening and in between there would be messages and calls. It did escalate pretty quickly but we both said it was meant to be and how much we were in to each other, the chemistry was incredible and even though we had 5 days together it felt like forever. 

 

I understand about your feelings but please be aware of how ridiculously easy it is to create this kind of fantasy.  It requires NOTHING of a person besides a romantic imagination and the Internet.  In the future, I hope you will not even participate in anything like this.   It can't be sustained and it's basically all smoke and mirrors.

Please stop replaying the romantic moments and gestures in you mind, to friends or in writing now.   You really will be able to get over this pretty quickly because in reality you didn't share a great deal.   Look ahead and relegate this to the rear view mirror.

I'm not a person to label or fake diagnose anyone because of a description someone posted on a message board - definitely not saying that the guy is a narcissist or has any other disorder - but he certainly knew how to get you hooked.  He probably was "high" off of the manufactured romance just like you were.  A lot of adrenaline and endorphins releasing like mad for both of you.  But no connection whatsoever with real life, and I can't help but cringe about his excuses.  Mom in hospital, ADHD, bipolar, he really was just throwing it all out there to see what would stick.

Heal well!  

[LynneVicious]

Yea, sounds like a classic rebound unfortunately. He didn’t resolve his feelings for his wife/ex wife yet and projected them into you. Very common. It hurts very much to be the rebound. I’m sorry. 

Next time, do not date someone so soon out of a relationship. It takes time to heal from a break up, no matter how amicable or friendly the break up is. Otherwise, you run into this kind of situation. 

[smackie9]

I agree this was a rebound relationship. Usually they throw themselves into it so intensely, it fools you into this crazy intimacy. Everything they say is just talk, there are no promises that are kept. I believe he wanted to see if it was greener on the other side/feel something different. Most men do not like to break up their family unit, so they either are not willing to leave their wife or they go back to them. People that do a rebound is selfish behaviour,  it's about them and nothing about you and that is painful. You invested in something that caught you off guard and swept you off your feet. So sorry you got bamboozled. I agree this is a powerful lesson to steer clear of anyone who is fresh out of a relationship.

[V_bx]

On 10/28/2022 at 9:23 PM, Stret said:

OP, that is why love and drugs are the same in terms of chemical addiction they create in a person. Think of it like that - because it is what it is. You got addicted and now you miss the feeling that the drug created in you - you don't really miss the drug (him) itself. You should never be addicted to anyone, even someone great, let alone a nasty guy who has zero respect for you or your feelings and who is clearly using you to fill his life now that he has issues at home. Then discard you when he doesn't need you. He is a bad person. Good people don't do this. But in your head, you made him into something he's not based on your fantasy and his lies, and it created a feeling that is not based on reality. 
Biggest thing you can do to get some self-respect back is do not answer any of his messages or calls. Even better - block him! Block him and don't unblock him every hour to see if he will contact you. Just move on with your life, onto whatever you have going on around you. Do something for yourself. Learn a new sport, new skill, meditate, go hiking with some hiking groups, read books, whatever works for you. Talk to people - do you have friends? Talk to them. 
As others told you, you dodged a big bullet here. It is actually a great thing that this happened because he could have strung you along for much longer, wasted your time and lowered your self-esteem. I think you're also quite young - maybe in your 20s? Or just didn't have much experience so this is a new thing for you. In either case, never let a man treat you like this, or anyone else. You will be treated the same way as you treat yourself. Right now, you are treating yourself like someone who doesn't deserve respect, love, stability, etc. 

Bigger question, much bigger than him or even your pain right now, is why are you like this? As terrible as it is to be guessing about people you don't know, my guess is that your parents are behind this. Self esteem and how you see and treat yourself is coming from early childhood. Have your parents been hot and then cold? How have they treated you, for real? Look at the book Toxic Parents or read about narcissistic mothers... along with youtube videos on subconscious mind by Bruce Lipton where he explains how childhood experiences affect your whole personality and how to change it. Oh and definitely follow on Instagram Dr. Nicole LePera (The holistic psychologist). She is so clear, so simple and superb. You have to learn where this comes from to avoid the same mistakes later in life, to learn to recognise that even though two guys are totally different, the pattern is the same (for example, you choose someone who is not really available emotionally, or physically, or treats you well one day and like you don't exist the next, etc) . Don't let your unhealthy patterns and nervous system choose things for you. Please for your sake, read this, and if you can, tell me if it helped you to start figuring things out in some way. Finally, of course, this might be a way off...but people figure out the connection between their parents and their personality only in late 30s or 40s. Give it a shot.  

This helped me so much! Thank you. I’m going over all the lists again now I’m less upset. I was in an narcissist relationship 5 years ago I think that has a lot to do with it, my parents are amazing. 

[spiderowl]

On 10/28/2022 at 7:35 AM, V_bx said:

Thank you, I’m hurting big time. I really thought he cared about me and it’s almost like I care more about him than I do myself which I hate but I can’t help it. I miss him so much and we had both said we will make the long distance work. I’m hurt I’ve been ghosted, then he came back and now I’ve been ghosted again. Those few days he was talking to me again I felt good, I was eating again etc I just love seeing his face and he seemed happy. I contacted me so much, even when he was with his daughter or busy he’d still contact me so it’s gone from all to nothing and it’s killing h me

I'm so sorry and I completely understand you are struggling after all your hopes were dashed.  My feeling is that he is just out of his marriage (if he is truly out of it) and he probably wasn't the one who wanted to break up.  The stats say that it is women who mostly end marriages - worth bearing that in mind.  Regardless, he is probably very mixed up.  He met you, had a great time, and convinced himself he could have a new relationship and fun.  His unconscious mind, however, is still heavily attached to and embroiled with his wife.  He probably feels as confused as hell and only knew that he could not go further with another relationship while he was still as attached to the other.  His rational mind might say 'Oh yes, my marriage is over, my wife doesn't want me anymore, I'm free to meet another lovely lady', so that's what he did.  His unconscious mind says 'What the hell are you thinking of?  You know you still love your wife even if things aren't right at the moment; you know you are not ready for another relationship.  Don't go!'  Unfortunately, you are the lovely lady he met who got sucked into this mess.

One thing you can take from this is that you are attractive and desirable.  This guy knows you want something genuine and serious.  He knows he cannot be that for you in the mess he is in. He hurt you but he has saved you from a worse mess down the line.

I know you are in pain.  You will get over this and will learn from it.  It's sad that this guy dragged you into a situation that was never going to work out for you.  He needs to examine his own conscience.  I suspect that he was feeling pulled in all directions and it finally caught up with him.  You deserve someone calm, present, and all for you, not still entangled with a wife and young chid.  You will find that person before too long.

[Gaeta]

There is not much new I can add, his behavior is typical for a man 1 month out of a marriage. 

Yes it hurts and it will for a while but you will get better and you'll move on. These online/long distance relationship are hard to get over because half of it is fantasy based. 

It's important you learn some important lessons form this. 

* no more long distance relationship. You don't want a fantasy relationship, you want a man near by, one that will be present in your life, someone you can count on, someone that will drive to you, take you out, date you properly. 

* stay away from men recently out of marriage/relationship. I don't care how convincing they sound, these people may feel/think they are ready to embark in a new relationship but they are not. They're only after that 'feel good' you bring to them and this to 'fill the void' from their seperation. This man not only was 1 month seperated but he was living at his mother, which means to me it was a temporary seperation. 

Finally I am sorry you are experiencing this, I've had many heartaches in my life, the good news is it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger and wiser. We need these to grow and make better choices. 

[V_bx]

Thank you so much to everyone who had replied and helped me. I’m absolutely broken as he really did make me feel like we were meant for each other and it’s so hard to believe it was all fake. He’s been with his wife 16 years and they’ve broken up and got back together a fair few times but he said it was because he missed his daughter not his wife. I believed him. He was texting me whilst they were together on and off for a year, he was saying he’s not happy so when he finally left her and met up with me I believed that’s west he wanted to do. 
Hes now being so cold with me, I’m texting him telling him I’ve researched bipolar and ghosting is normal and I know he doesn’t mean it. I said today can we meet up one last time to say goodbye properly and he text back saying he’s working away, then going to london with his daughter then he’ll be free but there’s no warmth there anymore it’s like hr hates me and I’ve done nothing wrong. I miss the man I thought he was and I’d love to see him again and give him a hug but why do I want that when he’s ghosted me on and off for the last two weeks. It’s so hard I really care about him and I thought he cared about me too. I’m being pathetic thinking there’s still hope as he’s not blocked me or told me to leave him alone but deep down I know I deserve better I just feel so much better every time he texts me. I feel so low and empty without him being there for me like he was. I really am hurting so bad it’s awful

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, V_bx said:

 I’m texting him telling him I’ve researched bipolar and ghosting is normal and I know he doesn’t mean it. I said today can we meet up one last time to say goodbye properly and he text back saying he’s working away, then going to london with his daughter.

Sorry you're feeling down, but try to let go. Don't give him reasons/excuses for abandoning the relationship. You seem to be in the bargaining stage of grieving the loss of the relationship.

[poppyfields]

On 10/28/2022 at 1:39 PM, V_bx said:

I am actually 38 but 6 years ago I was in a narcissist relationship and it scared me. I know I have an anxious attachment style...

Hello @V_bx, just my take but I think the above is what you should be focusing on versus attempting to analyze his behavior or why he did what he did. 

His behavior is irrelevant and could be anything from a commitment phobe, avoidant, to he simply lost interest for no reason at all. 

After only four months and five days together, it happens and is more common than you think.

What's more concerning is your reaction.  I understand the hurt and disappointment and I'm not judging I promise but the way you are reacting, one would think your husband of 20 years suddenly dumped you. 

Try to put things in proper perspective, you are giving him way WAY too much power and agency  in your life.

Much more than, lord knows, he deserves!  I would suggest exploring why you are allowing him that power. 

It's not about "love," there's something deeper going on within you that is causing such a severe reaction to the ending of a very short term and distant relationship.

YOU have agency here.  To manage your emotions in a healthy way and actually allow them to empower you rather than devastate and destroy you as they appear to be doing now, which again YOU are allowing. 

Learn resilience.  Being resilient is by far the most important life skill one could possess, imo. 

As such and as my loving but tough as nails mom used to say (paraphrasing), time to pick yourself up, wipe that **** off and carry on. 

Get on with life.

You're not a victim. You were a full participant in this fast-paced joy ride that simply fizzled out.  For him anyway. 

Lesson learned, right?   Going forward choose more wisely.

And take steps to become stronger and more resilient so when those lemons life tosses all of us sometimes get tossed your way, you have the life skills to survive and come out stronger. . 

And to learn, grow and evolve from the experience.

That said, I am sorry.  Take good care of yourself and trust that time heals. xo

Edited November 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

He was texting me whilst they were together on and off for a year,

This explains a lot. This guy has been bad news all along. 

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

I’m texting him telling him I’ve researched bipolar and ghosting is normal and I know he doesn’t mean it.

OP, please don't assume you know what someone else's intentions or feelings are. Just because you don't want to believe he means it does not make it so. You are making excuses for his bad behaviour and he is making excuses to get rid of you. Remember that. 

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

I really am hurting so bad it’s awful

Yes, and it's going to hurt for a while. This was not the relationship you thought it was, and it fell far short of your expectations. But you do need to make better choices for yourself. Stay away from married men at all costs. Don't date men fresh out of marriages. Don't date men you can hardly ever see in person. 

My money is that he has returned to his wife. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

He was texting me whilst they were together on and off for a year, he was saying he’s not happy

Said every cheater looking for an affair.

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

I’m texting him telling him I’ve researched bipolar and ghosting is normal and I know he doesn’t mean it.

Of course he means it. People do what they mean. He did nothing by accident here. He meant every word and every action.

He's cold now because it was all a fantasy, you understand that right.

[LynneVicious]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hello @V_bx, just my take but I think the above is what you should be focusing on versus attempting to analyze his behavior or why he did what he did. 

His behavior is irrelevant and could be anything from a commitment phobe, avoidant, to he simply lost interest for no reason at all. 

After only four months and five days together, it happens and is more common than you think.

What's more concerning is your reaction.  I understand the hurt and disappointment and I'm not judging I promise but the way you are reacting, one would think your husband of 20 years suddenly dumped you. 

Try to put things in proper perspective, you are giving him way WAY too much power and agency  in your life.

Much more than, lord knows, he deserves!  I would suggest exploring why you are allowing him that power. 

It's not about "love," there's something deeper going on within you that is causing such a severe reaction to the ending of a very short term and distant relationship.

YOU have agency here.  To manage your emotions in a healthy way and actually allow them to empower you rather than devastate and destroy you as they appear to be doing now, which again YOU are allowing. 

Learn resilience.  Being resilient is by far the most important life skill one could possess, imo. 

As such and as my loving but tough as nails mom used to say (paraphrasing), time to pick yourself up, wipe that **** off and carry on. 

Get on with life.

You're not a victim. You were a full participant in this fast-paced joy ride that simply fizzled out.  For him anyway. 

Lesson learned, right?   Going forward choose more wisely.

And take steps to become stronger and more resilient so when those lemons life tosses all of us sometimes get tossed your way, you have the life skills to survive and come out stronger. . 

And to learn, grow and evolve from the experience.

That said, I am sorry.  Take good care of yourself and trust that time heals. xo

Op, you need this tough advice. The only way you will get on from this is to block him, erase any messages and pictures, and move yourself in. Do not wish he’ll come back, for if he does, you will only have the same result. He’s not emotionally available, and you shouldn’t even be talking/texting with him. You’re prolonging your pain. 

Block, delete, move on. It’s the only way. You need strong inner fortitude and not victimize yourself here. Be glad it was only 5 days: a grain of sand on a beach. You have an opportunity to learn from this and gain strength, but only if you take the steps and stop wishing and feeling sorry for yourself. Good luck! 

[Gaeta]

Please do not meet with him. You must have a bit of pride left in you to not lower yourself like this by throwing yourself at him, hoping it will revive some feelings in him. 

It's normal to feel empty, it will pass. You have to take your part of responsability here. You got involved with a married man, those stories never end well. You thought you'd be the exception, like all the other women before you.

A breakup is much easier to get over when we recognize the part we played in it.

[V_bx]

I totally get what you’re all saying, I know it sounds crazy as it was only a short period of time and we only had 5 actual days together but he made me feel like it was so much more. He used to FaceTime me all the time, ask about my day, see how I was, he told his mum about me, she was there when I was FaceTiming him, he sent me the most beautiful birthday card with pictures of the two of us on, he told me he’d fallen in love with me and said it was going to be us forever. I thought I’d found my person which is why I’m finding it all so hard. It didn’t even fizzle out, it went from all to nothing and I just miss him and what we had so much! I used to talk to him about everything, he was always there and now I just feel lost and empty. I know I shouldn’t meet with him but I can’t imagine never seeing his face again. I know I sound pathetic and I know I probably need therapy but I’ve lost the man I thought cared about me in a really brutal way. I don’t get why he won’t talk to me, he’s not even ended it properly with me and he’s not blocked me. I know I deserve more but he made me so happy and now I just feel horrendous. 

[V_bx]

I know lots of people who ended there marriage and gone on to have other relationships soon after, I didn’t think that was a problem. I doubt he’s back with her as I saw how angry she made him, she’s screwing him over with money