When a guy keeps saying he 'doesn't have a type when it comes to looks'

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I recently met up with a guy whom I met online. One thing that bothers me is that he has said a few times that he “doesn’t have a physical type, but focuses on the woman’s personality”.

He said this both before we met when we first started talking, and he also said it during our date when we met in person. He also said, “although all his friends go for blonde hair and blue eyes {neither of which I have- I have the appearance of a Mediterranean ethnicity!}, he focuses on personality”. Ironically, when we were out on this date, he was ogling a blonde girl on the next table a few times, in front of me.

To me, all the above points to him not finding me physically attractive. This assumption is further enhanced by the fact that he has never once complimented my physical appearance.

He is interested in seeing me again but I do not share this interest if this assumption holds true. 

Would be great to get some viewpoints on this, thanks guys  

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by babybrowns

[Weezy1973]

Not having a specific type can mean different things to different people. It could just mean he broadly thinks attractive women are attractive regardless of specific features or ethnicity.
 

As far as him not complimenting you on your appearance - that doesn’t really mean much. I never gave women compliments on their looks even when I was really attracted to them. He might very well be attracted to you, but ogling other women while out on a date with you is a problem. And disrespectful. Definitely something to monitor moving forward. Or just next him now…

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

To me, all the above points to him not finding me physically attractive. This assumption is further enhanced by the fact that he has never once complimented my physical appearance.

How does that point to you not being physically attractive?  A lot of people do have a type.  It's okay that he didn't comment on your appearance, you only met up one time.  He shouldn't be checking out other women when he's with you though, that's a red flag and disrespectful.

[poppyfields]

Hello BB, allow me to make this simple. 

Just next him.  After only one meet, you don't owe him an explanation, tell him thank you but you're not a match..

Or simply stop responding.

I really encourage you to stop all the analysis and overthinking.  It's completely unnecessary imo.

You're OLDing, surely, you're getting lots of messages?   I received hundreds and talked to many MANY guys. 

I only chose to meet a few, the ones who I wasn't "bothered" by, who didn't cause me so much uncertainty, I needed to create a thread.

I mean no disrespect by this, I just don't get why you're even bothering with him; again this is a big NEXT - for YOU and that's okay!

It doesn't appear YOU like him much anyway regardless of what he thinks of you. 

So nevermind whether he finds you attractive or not, when you're this bothered, by anything!  Just next him.

 

 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

To me, all the above points to him not finding me physically attractive. 

That’s an assumption - not sure how you got that.

Was this the first meeting in person? If so, it was not a date as much as it was a meet and greet. I wouldn’t find this a red flag in any way. I have been on many such “dates” and I don’t remember any man ever complimenting my appearance. 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He is interested in seeing me again

If he asked you out again, he’s interested. 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I do not share this interest if this assumption holds true. 

Well, at this point it is nothing more than an assumption so you are getting a little ahead of yourself here…

Lots of people don’t have a type. But, if you are looking for a reason to kick this guy to the curb - that seems to be as good a reason as any. Personally, I would do it because he was checking out the blonde during your date… but, that’s just me. Even at that, I wouldn’t pass judgment on the man after one meeting. If this is a pattern of behavior, that would be a problem.

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

I'm not hearing any evidence of him not finding you attractive..... I honestly think you are overthinking and twisting his words around.  If he is expressing interest in seeing you again, then he must find you physically attractive on some level.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

all the above points to him not finding me physically attractive

Your post points to you overthinking again, BB. 

[BrinnM]

I don’t know why he would emphasize that he’s got no type, then mention what type his buddies usually go for, and then ogle women who look completely different than you do. That, combined with no compliments given, would be a turnoff, and while I would not overthink it or ruminate about it, I would definitely question this. While it’s not a red flag per se, I’d definitely wonder if his communication skills are off a little bit, or if he’s maybe insecure so he’s prone to blabbing out random stuff out of nervousness or something. I wouldn’t be attracted to that at all. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

he has said a few times that he “doesn’t have a physical type, but focuses on the woman’s personality”.

It sounds like a neutral answer to a loaded question. However if you feel he was rude by checking out women on your date, then don't go further, especially since you don't have an overall good feeling about him.

[Versacehottie]

This is all your overwhelming INSECURITY and overthinking playing out in real time....different guy, same you. 

You need to address this stuff professionally. 

You have to assume (positive, productive thinking not anxious, destructive overthinking) that any guy there on a date with you, WANTS to be there. If it turns into a second date, same....assume he WANTS to be there. And so on. If anything, your personal and emotional thinking issues are going to torpedo these dates more than your looks ever will. Obviously from online dating, you need to look like your photos make you look and your mannerisms, demeanor, just overall chemistry will affect things so first dates via OLD are shaky for a lot of reasons.  But the continued, omnipresent, pervasive insecurity you are projecting and the overanalyzing is never going bring you home with a win.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I think it IS strange for him to make that statement both before the date and during.

What's the point in saying you have no type. We all have some preferences, even if those preferences have a lot of flexibility built in. Strikes me as strange, maybe not to a level of red flag but strange and clueless all the same. 

And yes, it is weird again that he makes the "I have no type" comment and then does NOT compliment you on your looks. Definitely worth noticing. 

You have reason to be skeptical. His comments sound to me like a basic lack of social skill. And his comments indicate cluelessness given that he didn't realize that he wasn't complimenting you. 

Tread carefully. Or cut it off entirely. 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

I don't have a "type" either.  And neither my husband and I the kind who do lots of compliments on physical appearance.  So this is all completely normal to me.

However, if you didn't particularly like him ogling another woman or running on about his friends, you don't have to see him again.

[poppyfields]

BB, I have a question, hope you will answer. 

In reading your posts re the different men you meet on line, when THEY show interest in you, I'm getting the impression you somehow feel obligated to reciprocate that interest, even when you yourself are unsure of how YOU feel about them.

Like here, you posted: 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He said he is interested in seeing me again but I do not share this interest if this assumption holds true.

I take from this you are only interested IF he's interested and you somehow feel obligated to date him since HE is interested. 

If that's the case, that's not how attraction and interest works BB. 

Nevermind how he feels, how do YOU feel about him?

BB, you are under no obligation to date a man simply because he's interested.

You are under no obligation to reciprocate a man's interest.

And here, regardless of whether or not he finds you attractive, admittedly you were bothered by him, you felt a negative vibe from him, and as such you do not and imo should not see him again. 

Only date men you're feel good and positive about, men with whom you feel a good rapport, a good vibe.

Not men who confuse you and you need to create threads about. 

Being online, you have many options available to you, you should have an abundance mindset!

As such, you do not have to settle for men you feel mediocre about just because they indicate an interest in you. 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Ironically, when we were out on this date, he was ogling a blonde girl on the next table a few times, in front of me.

I really don't mind if my date glances at another woman. But to “ogle” at them sounds like a bit too much. The first date, you say? Make it your last.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't have a type when it comes to looks.  There are certain features that draw me.  

Ogling a woman while he's out with you doesn't mean that he's not attracted to you - it means that he has terrible manners and is probably too feral to seriously consider dating.  It's tremendously rude.

[chillii]

Well , if it's any consolation op , l love your ethnicity and prefer it and this blonde blue eyed stuff nah , not for me thanks. Love dark hair and brown soulful eyes.

This guy how can we know but it sounds like he was somehow trying to explain he's ok with your looks or something like that, attracted, dk. The other lady well, yeah,it doesn't mean he wasn't attracted to you but yeah pretty poor form for sure. Seeing him again, up to you . How did you get along did he seem into you and you him , was there anything in it - well apart from no compliments.

Edited October 22, 2022 by chillii

[Gaeta]

The *l have no type* how did that come up in the conversation? Sounds like and answer to the question * what's your type of women*.

Why do you bother with this stuff. I never ask myself *is he atrracted to me*, if the man wants to see me again than yes he finds me attractive! 

I find compliments on my physique during a first date pretty innapropriate. If there is a 2nd and 3rd date ok, if we made it there it's cause there is a mutual attraction. 

Can you just let it flow for a few dates without looking for problems?

Edited October 22, 2022 by Gaeta

[Alvi]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Ironically, when we were out on this date, he was ogling a blonde girl on the next table a few times, in front of me.

I assume that if he asked you out that he is attracted to your looks and your type. Otherwise, why bother?

Forget about his look preference. Some people could be attracted to a wide variety of looks. I know a guy who was cheating on his skinny wife with a fat girlfriend. How does that happen? lol  Another woman, that I used to know, used to date guys from different ethnic backgrounds. So look preference could be all relative I suppose. Him ogling another woman while on a date with you should be an automatic dealbreaker for you! Perhaps glancing at someone once or twice could be OK, but ogling this other woman? If it happens to you next time, stand up, tell a guy that you are on a date with "Well, it was nice meeting you" and leave immediately. You really want whoever you end up dating to focus on you and only you. Doesn't mean that they are not going to notice an attractive woman here and there, but at least they should be able to contain themselves.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 he has said a few times that he “doesn’t have a physical type, but focuses on the woman’s personality”.

Well asking him that puts him on the spot and he diplomatically dodged the question. Loaded questions like "what's your type?"  can backfire, especially if you were hoping the answer is along the lines of "you!".

The more troubling part of the meet was him being so bored he started ignoring you and checking out other women. Not a good way to make a first impression.

Don't bother dragging it out if you feel this apprehensive already.

[giotto]

I like blond ones, but I have been out with several dark-haired ones. It's a preference, not the Bible. My (ex) wife has light brown hair and grey eyes. So, I ended up marrying a girl who, in theory, wasn't my type. I would stop overthinking this: if he didn't like you, he wouldn't go out with you.

[flaxcapacitor]

It's entirely possible he doesn't have a type... I wouldn't say I have a type. I'm attracted to 'cuteness' whatever that might mean, and could be down to style choices as much as physical features. It's not the same as if he'd said he didnt' care how you looked, he can still be just as attracted to you without having a type.

I can understand though if he doesn't ever compliment you on your appearance, you being a bit worried, it could be that he's just not the complimenting type.

[Els]

[ ] It's one date with a person you have never met IRL before. If he was genuinely ogling someone else then that's probably a pass, but everything else just feels like overanalysis.

Quote

He said this both before we met when we first started talking, and he also said it during our date when we met in person.

Did he just randomly feel the need to announce it, or was it in response to a question, or to a relevant statement from you?

Also, do you normally expect compliments from a person whom you've only just met...?

Did you find him attractive?

Edited October 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[NuevoYorko]

 

OP you need to learn how to shut off your analytical brain and your self talk when you are in a situation where you want to get to know another person and allow them to learn about you - I know you're trying to protect yourself but you are in a loop and you are setting yourself up for failure repeatedly.  

What do you think about that?

 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

Lol so this guy keeps saying he focuses on personality and can’t stop talking about looks? 

I also don’t mean to be rude but who cares what this guy thinks. You know you’re pretty and probably don’t need to hear it either. He’s saying one thing, doing something else. That may be a huge turn off. Why be around someone walking sideways like that. 

[CollinW]

I have a feeling the ogling accusation is a bit of projection.