wyldflower Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 This is a long story (aren't they all). My J and I have been friends for three years. He and his wife separated a couple of years ago, we happened to run into each other and things progressed. Unfortunately a week later she found out she was pregnant. He chose to stay with me, since we'd had feelings for each other for a year by then. Months down the track, she had complications, he went back, I shut myself off and moved on. Was with another man for a year, but could never get j out of my head. Believe me I tried. We still remained in contact, despite the fact we would promise not to. we met up every few moths, promising it would be just a friendship and ended up cuddling and kissing. I left the other man, because I just couldn't be with someone else when J was in my heart and mind. And then the affair began two months ago. I know technically little rendezvous are affairs, but this time was full on. Emotionally, intensity, everything. J encouraged me to leave this man, to be true to my heart. So I did. Twice in the last two months, he has left his wife only to go back and put me through heartache. He rings me and breaks down. Tells me he can't abandon his kids (they have a 1 and 5 year old daughter) and that his wife knows exactly where to hurt him (he hasn't seen his eldest son for 8 years because his first partner took him away and he is terrified of losing his daughters in the same way). He has sat his wife down and begged her to let him go, but when he tries to leave she throws herself on the floor, holds onto his leg and cries. Then the daughter screams DADDY DON"T LEAVE WE LOVE YOU! It tears him apart. There is not a doubt in my mind the man loves me. I know him and can see the obvious change in him. He runs to my side as much as he can. He tells EVERYONE how happy I make him. So why can't he leave? Am I an idiot? Yesterday was the last time. Another week of having him to myself, hearing his promises of a future only to have him go back to organise finances etc and stay! He had asked her to write pros and cons down, see on paper that they just are not compatible. Told her to really think about it and realise it is not going to work. She promised to talk calmly, so he was excited, thinking he might go back and achieve an amicable resolution. Not the case. back to the usual. I am shattered. I told him I need to be out of this situation. he says when it's over he's coming for me and no matter how much I push him away he will keep coming. I just want him now. The man I love. Have always loved. Any advice?
curly Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I can hear it in you already. This man probably really loves you. Not givng false here. But he loves his you and he loves his children, but harsh reality here - he loves his wife as well..... she bore those children, lots of memories there, u can never hope to compete with. You are in the unbelievably role of the OW, - trust me it just doesn't get more painful than this........... Walk away. Men are simple, if (& i truly mean IIF his child begged him stay), they will ALWAYS stay where they feel the safest. Safest is within his familiar bonds. ALWAYS. But I don't believe his child said this. I think he's making it up. No, kid's gonna say this stuff. That type of conversation is ALWAYS away from the kids. The kids find out later after daddy moved. you're buying into the usual MM BS...... take a good hard look at what's he acutally done. Is it that significant? Are you invisible in his life, still the dirty little secret? BTW - I'm come from a OW point of view, not BS view.
suegail Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 He is really torn and tortured by all this, and what I think about that if he were to actually make the break and be with you rather than his wife and children, it would only get worse as the years go on. I think he'd feel more and more guilt, he'd suffer, he'd make you suffer. At some point he might blame you and resent you. If he can make it work with her it will be a good thing for his kids. That is his family - they need him very much and if he decides to make some personal sacrifices in order to secure their lives, it's really as it should be, and in the final analysis everyone should be grateful, even you.
Hot Coco Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Funny, I didn't think the story he told you rang true either...about the wife throwing herself down and the child begging. It just didn't ring true. I also think the has a lot of nerve asking you to "be true to yourself" in so many words, and give up the other man. He's a master manipulator. And maybe you didn't care for the other man as much but it's not his place to tell you ANYTHING about what you should do since he's not made himself exclusively available to you. He probably DOES love you but not enough. He loves his family more. He won't leave them. The fact that he went back tells me that. He didn't HAVE to go back. He could have been supportive and been around the child without moving back in. Everything here points to ONE thing and one thing only. He wants his cake and eat it too. Are you prepared to always come in second with him? Because that's what you are. Don't you think you deserve a man who puts YOU first. You may not meet that guy right away but you will if you free yourself from this unavailable man. Right now you think he's the ONLY man for you. There's no other man for you. It's not true. And one day, hopefully you will find that out and say "what was I THINKING?" You need a lot of strength to end it but you should if you really want to have a real life of your own. Good luck!
Author wyldflower Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 Thank you so much. Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and gives you wings. I needed that. I am feeling much stronger already. He text three times yesterday, telling me he misses me, he'll love me forever, can I be in his life even if it's as a friend... I didn't respond. I felt so empowered. Sent him one this morning saying I've finished uni, going out to celebrate, how is he going and I'm doing fine, going strong. I feel cruel, because I love the man (and I don't love easily which makes it worse) but it's what I have to do. I am a single mother with two beautiful daughters, a job, a business, uni, a horse... I don't need the BS. Thanks again guys. May be sad in a few days though...
allaboutchoices Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 May be sad in a few days though... Well, you know where to go if you are ...
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Thank you so much. Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and gives you wings. I needed that. I am feeling much stronger already. He text three times yesterday, telling me he misses me, he'll love me forever, can I be in his life even if it's as a friend... I didn't respond. I felt so empowered. Sent him one this morning saying I've finished uni, going out to celebrate, how is he going and I'm doing fine, going strong. I feel cruel, because I love the man (and I don't love easily which makes it worse) but it's what I have to do. I am a single mother with two beautiful daughters, a job, a business, uni, a horse... I don't need the BS. Thanks again guys. May be sad in a few days though... You can't be friends with him. Not now, not ever. But you know that in your heart already... Don't feel cruel. He is making his choice by staying with his wife and family. You ARE allowed to make yours. He has to accept it and get on with his life without you. He cannot and should not keep you on a string through casual contact. That's not fair to you or your heart. Hang in there, stay strong. Just love your daughters - Right now that love will get you through it all.
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Whichway, you took the words out of my mouth concerning being friends. That's just another manipulative ploy...because he KNOWS you can't be friends but by saying that he comes across as agreeable, and a "good guy." But he DOES know that you can't be friends. Don't fall for it! Yes, you feel strong now and that's great but you will have your days when it's tough. Come here though instead of contacting him. There's a lot of support here for you. And good for you for taking control like that! It takes guts. It really does.
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