I'm (30M) dating a girl (29F) who's going backpacking for a long time

[popules]

2 hours ago, shellzbellz83 said:

If she hadn't responded but was online, I'd take that as a hint that she was not interested in talking to you at that time -- not as a prompt to passive aggressively "call her out." No one wants to feel like they're being tracked/monitored, and I'm sure you don't want her communicating with you just because you've guilted/pestered her into it. I would fall back and let her come to you.

Yeah, I kind of regret doing that but it was so obvious at that time that she ignored me which was new to me, this girl has basically love bombed me for 3 months and now I was worth that little.

Any insight on her last text and what to answer? 

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, popules said:

Yeah, I kind of regret doing that but it was so obvious at that time that she ignored me which was new to me, this girl has basically love bombed me for 3 months and now I was worth that little.

Any insight on her last text and what to answer? 

I realize how into her you are, but I strongly suggest pulling back and not responding at all. 

I hate to say but this is done.  She's gone. 

Going forward, stay away from women who "lovebomb," their frame is pull you in quick, then pull out just as quick. 

Same advice for women about men.

Gather up all the self-respect you can muster, and walk. 

Cherish the memory. 

Anything other than that is you being foolish imo.  As again, it would very much appear she's done and fading out. 

Sorry to be harsh but you need to get a hold of yourself and your emotions,  otherwise any respect she had for you before she left will be gone, fast.

Leave her be.  Do not respond.  If she wants to know why and she reaches out asking, tell her you wish her well on her journey and perhaps when she returns, you can talk again. 

Be strong!  Be self-assured.  You have agency here, please use it and apply to your own best interests.

She will respect you more for it as well.  Rather than you becoming anxious, insecure, jealous and "calling her out."

I'm sorry mate I know it's hard.  But it's a good learning experience and lesson. 

All the best moving forward. 

Edited October 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, popules said:

Thanks guys. She just replied ”I’m going home now but I have a huge headache so going directly to sleep, we could try calling tomorrow? <3”

Insights? I’m really trying here but I’m so deep into this s*** so sorry for going crazy. 

You need to stop chasing her and calling/texting so much when she's clearly letting you know she doesn't appreciate it.  Listen to her cues and adjust your behavior accordingly.

She has clearly made the decision that she is not interested in maintaining a long distance relationship right now and all the emotional energy and frustration that it entails.  She is doing other things now.  You constantly trying so hard to contact her is not going to make her more interested in you..... it will make her less.

I guarantee that if you keep chasing her and putting in so much more effort than she is to call/text, she will view you as that annoying guy who won't leave her alone, and she will be less inclined to want to pick things back up with you when she returns.  You need to respect her need for space right now.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, popules said:

Like 20 minutes later she's online again and still no response to my call or text, so I called her out saying "I can see that you're online lol"

This is a really cringey thing to do. Next time please maintain your self-respect and don't keep texting someone when they aren't responding.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is a really cringey thing to do. Next time please maintain your self-respect and don't keep texting someone when they aren't responding.

Agreed.  

OP, I'm afraid to say that this is likely going to fizzle out. You're already getting twisted into knots and confronting her, and her adventure has only just begun. She is out living her life to its fullest right now and your position in her priorities has started to drop. 

This is why I said you need to keep your expectations very low here. It's not going to be the same as it was before she left. You will hear from her a lot less now. Ask yourself if you can really keep this up for months on end. 

[popules]

49 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You need to stop chasing her and calling/texting so much when she's clearly letting you know she doesn't appreciate it.  Listen to her cues and adjust your behavior accordingly.

She has clearly made the decision that she is not interested in maintaining a long distance relationship right now and all the emotional energy and frustration that it entails.  She is doing other things now.  You constantly trying so hard to contact her is not going to make her more interested in you..... it will make her less.

I guarantee that if you keep chasing her and putting in so much more effort than she is to call/text, she will view you as that annoying guy who won't leave her alone, and she will be less inclined to want to pick things back up with you when she returns.  You need to respect her need for space right now.

Hey. The thing is that I really haven’t been calling/texting her a lot. Today is the first time I called her since she left, she called me this Wednesday 2 times. Yesterday she texted first TWO times and I just answered to her texts. Obviously I’m writing all my feelings here to you but I don’t think she SHOULD feel overwhelmed by me except for today when ”calling her out”. To be fair today is the first time texting/calling her first since things got weird this Thursday. I had a feeling maybe she thinks ”it’s his turn to call/text” if that makes sense?

This is not to justify my behavior earlier today, believe me, I just want you to understand the situation. 

44 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is a really cringey thing to do. Next time please maintain your self-respect and don't keep texting someone when they aren't responding.

Yeah I know and I feel bad about it, the thing is our relationship 3 days ago (and 3 months back) have been CONSTANT communication, so ”usually” we’re totally honest and upfront with each other if that makes sense? We always talked extremely open about our feelings and thoughts, why I thought being upfront today was okay.

I understand now that I should have been faster in my mind, knowing that things are not what they were 3 days ago, but I just felt that we had that kind of relationship.
 

Any advice about the text? Just leave it on ignore and wait to see if she reaches out, leave it on read to make a ”statement” or answer something?

[popules]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I realize how into her you are, but I strongly suggest pulling back and not responding at all. 

I hate to say but this is done.  She's gone. 

Going forward, stay away from women who "lovebomb," their frame is pull you in quick, then pull out just as quick. 

Same advice for women about men.

Gather up all the self-respect you can muster, and walk. 

Cherish the memory. 

Anything other than that is you being foolish imo.  As again, it would very much appear she's done and fading out. 

Sorry to be harsh but you need to get a hold of yourself and your emotions,  otherwise any respect she had for you before she left will be gone, fast.

Leave her be.  Do not respond.  If she wants to know why and she reaches out asking, tell her you wish her well on her journey and perhaps when she returns, you can talk again. 

Be strong!  Be self-assured.  You have agency here, please use it and apply to your own best interests.

She will respect you more for it as well.  Rather than you becoming anxious, insecure, jealous and "calling her out."

I'm sorry mate I know it's hard.  But it's a good learning experience and lesson. 

All the best moving forward. 

Thank you poppy, I appreciate the honesty. Do you have any analysis how this even could happen? I doubt it was because me ”calling her out” (read my last response to Violet. How can one person to this Wednesday be so loving and honestly more in love with me than I was in her (at least according to her behavior) and now this? It was her who told me several times to come visit and that we will talk everyday, that she doesn’t want to be with someone else when she’s gone etc. Was all this bullshit or how the hell does her mind work?

She’s leaving ALONE to work in Australia in 3 weeks, is there a possibility she’s just enjoying her ”party” vacation with her friends right now and that she will be different in Australia? That’s why I’m hesitating to end it from my end now. Perhaps just ignore her last text now and see what happens?

[poppyfields]

OP, women's emotions are fluid and can be like a lightswitch sometimes - on and off. Especially when we're young, learning about ourselves and coming into our own.

As such, there is no need to analyze or blame yourself. It would serve no worthwhile purpose to do so.

She is in a completely different headspace from you right now.  Her mindset is adventure and exploration.

When I traveled through Europe for a year, I say this loosely but I fell "in love" with a different man in every country I visited.

As quickly as I was to fall, I got over it just as quickly when I left. 

I was 22 at the time, young, carefree and eager for adventure and new experiences.

The best advice I can give you is to detach.  Let it go.

Respect her and yourself enough to realize and understand she's on an adventure, meeting lots of new people. Including men and you have no control over that.

Try to not take personally, it's not about you, it's about her and where's she currently at.  Her spirit and her heart.

Again, cherish the memory, that is ALL you can do.

IF when she returns, either one of you wants to revisit what you had, then do that.

But honestly, based on my own adventure traveling, I would strongly suggest taking steps to detach and letting go.

Any attempts to control this, or her, or the outcome will come back and bite you in the ass, I can almost guarantee that.

I'm truly sorry.

[ShyViolet]

36 minutes ago, popules said:

She’s leaving ALONE to work in Australia in 3 weeks, is there a possibility she’s just enjoying her ”party” vacation with her friends right now and that she will be different in Australia? That’s why I’m hesitating to end it from my end now. Perhaps just ignore her last text now and see what happens?

You need to give her SPACE.  Stop chasing her.  Stop obsessing over this.  If she wants to contact you, she will.  And if she doesn't contact you, you will have your answer.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, popules said:

She just replied ”I’m going home now but I have a huge headache so going directly to sleep, we could try calling tomorrow?

Can you deal with these types of excuses for a year? Let go. Free yourself.

[popules]

Damn guys. Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it even though it’s harsh and heartbreaking. I really didn’t see this coming. I’ve had a couple of LTR before, and I have dated a lot of women the past year, but I never got attached to someone until her, and now this happens  

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, popules said:

Hey guys.

Quick update. Feels like I'm getting the slow fade here.

Yesterday was 1 text total from her saying "What's up today? :)" with me answering quickly. She didn't answer that text until this morning even though she's was online on Whatsapp and Snapchat later yesterday. I saw that she was online on Whatsapp this morning so I texted and called her but she didn't answer. Like 20 minutes later she's online again and still no response to my call or text, so I called her out saying "I can see that you're online lol" and then she immediately replied saying "I'm with friends, can't talk". I replied "Okay, call me when you can :)". She's been online after my text on Whatsapp but haven't read my text or replied. 

I'm trying to act cool towards her but when I saw her online it felt like I had the chance to call her, since the last 2 days have been very little communication. I understand that she's busy having fun, but tbh our contact before she left and actually all the way to this Wednesday was 24/7 with a lot of "miss you <3" texts and phone calls. My gut feeling CAN'T be wrong, something must be off here. She's obviously on her phone but not replying to me? 

Did she meet someone else already and forgot about me? s***.

Many of these social media sites say you are on ehrn you really are nt.  It’s on the phone so it’s tracking you and saying you are using your phone youare online.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, it was almost inevitable that this would fade out once she left. 

It's best for you to accept that rather than trying to hang to someone who isn't really thinking of you the same way you're thinking of her. 

[popules]

Hey, dunno if you still want updates on this but perhaps y'all also feel invested in this right now lol, so might aswell tell you.

So as you know she texted me yesterday:

- ”I’m going home now but I have a huge headache so going directly to sleep, we could try calling tomorrow? <3"

No reply from me (following your advice). She texted me again today (so double texting me):

- "Hey, I've been at a pool party today and going to the beach now to watch the sunset and eat dinner. Depending on what's happening after that maybe I can call <3"

I answered:

- "Nice!!   I'm on my way home from my sister, going to meet som friends to watch football <3"

I was trying to show her that I'm also busy and not just waiting for her call (maybe she doesn't care but whatever). Any insights that she double texted me? Is it because of guilt or something or could there be some interest left? I know some of you said to end it when she answers, but I'm starting my new job tomorrow and will be busy as hell the coming months, so maybe my overinvestment in this will finally come to a rest, and whatever happens happens. 

If she calls, should I be the cool, laid back guy just asking how she has it, or rather bluntly ask her if something is wrong? 

Please don't be harsh on me for answering her, I'm really trying my best here, grasping at straws.. 

Edited October 23, 2022 by popules

[popules]

double post

Edited October 23, 2022 by popules

[popules]

Quick update. She read my answer 4h ago without answering or later calling. Now it's past midnight there. Guess my hopes got up for nothing.

Edited October 23, 2022 by popules

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, popules said:

Quick update. She read my answer 4h ago without answering or later calling. Now it's in the middle of the night there. Guess my hopes got up for nothing.

Well, not trying to be harsh but this is why I and some others suggested you either NOT respond or wish her well on her journey and say goodbye.

Honestly at this point she either doesn't know what she wants or is playing games. 

When you didn't respond to her first text, she felt invalidated, you bruised her ego so she double texted and pulled you back.

When you replied "'Nice!..." you gave her the validation she needed and is now back to ignoring you.

Don't play that game OP.

And frankly I don't think she's the great girl you seem to think she is either.

Please don't respond when/if she responds, protect yourself, don't try and play the "cool" guy, it won't work.

Like I said, cherish the memory, detach and let go.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, popules said:

Any insights that she double texted me? Is it because of guilt or something or could there be some interest left? I know some of you said to end it when she answers,

We don’t know why she did what. You don’t know her that well yet to interpret her behavior correctly!!

And while yes, she double texted you, she also didn’t follow up on the suggested call. Which she could have - but she didn’t. Anyway - you did great, IMO, by acting busy. Don’t appear desperate, stay friendly & open, but don’t be a clinger. Nobody wants that when they’re enjoying new places, taking pictures, and getting to know new people.
Have you ever traveled extensively? …… and I’m not talking all inclusive punta cana or something ….. It’s awesome, exhausting and overwhelming in a good way, and on top of the time difference (to keep up with your parents at home, who may be worried), there are sooooo many other things to consider and organize on a daily basis. Rather than stressing her out further, be there and be supportive, if she means something to you.
But this relationship could also go south pretty quickly, bc it’s still so new! It doesn’t even have anything to do with the travel necessarily. So - chill out!! No, you don’t have to break up, just leave it be for now. You would appear like a massive drama queen! What would you even say? “I can’t handle your traveling, so I’d rather break up so we can both date other people. Blahblah…” ….. wayyy too much drama & also sounds like pressure tbh …..just see how it goes and go out with girls in the meantime if you feel like it ……. Nobody will be the wiser. Enjoy and let her do the reaching out. Is my advice!

 

[NuevoYorko]

20 hours ago, popules said:

Damn guys. Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it even though it’s harsh and heartbreaking. I really didn’t see this coming. I’ve had a couple of LTR before, and I have dated a lot of women the past year, but I never got attached to someone until her, and now this happens  

It's possible that you finally got attached to this person BECAUSE you were "safe" from dealing with the relationship.  You knew she was leaving.

The best thing you can do is let go.  Just let her go.   She needs to be free during this trip.   Part of that is the freedom to decide whether to contact you when she gets back or to reach out to say "hey" now and then.   You are putting pressure on the situation and it can't sustain that.

Tell her you want her to have the time of her life and (if this is actually the case) that you hope to catch up with her when she's back home.  

Then you carry on conducting your personal life like the single guy that you are, at this time.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's possible that you finally got attached to this person BECAUSE you were "safe" from dealing with the relationship.  You knew she was leaving.

Bingo!  Took the words, and exactly what I was thinking.

Something to consider anyway, OP.

All the best moving forward!

[BrinnM]

35 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

you carry on conducting your personal life like the single guy that you are, at this time.

Right, but if I were him, I wouldn’t make a big announcement like telling her to enjoy herself and wishing her well and stuff. That’s just nonsense after knowing her for a mere 3 months.
They are still so young, and you can’t call that a relationship, either. Just do what you did before meeting her, and let the chips fall where they may, and in the meantime, just reply to texts if you feel like it and if you have time. No pressure. No expectations. Lay low and let her reach out. I would avoid a big statement by all means. Way too dramatic. 

[NuevoYorko]

16 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

but if I were him, I wouldn’t make a big announcement like telling her to enjoy herself and wishing her well and stuff. That’s just nonsense after knowing her for a mere 3 months.
 

I think letting her know he wants her to have a good time is the only way to neutralize the times he's "called her out" for being online and not dealing with him, as long as he's sincere.  It sounds as if they shared a lot and got into real relationship talk during their 3 months, and not completely frivolous.   

[Els]

On 10/21/2022 at 1:30 AM, popules said:

I have never backpacked in my life, can someone tell me what it's like? What are the chances she will be with other guys when she's gone, even though she told me she has no interest in this? She said she's not 18 y/o anymore and that she's doing this trip for herself and her own happiness before she wants to settle down back home. I don't wanna be a jealous guy bringing my concerns up all the time, considering we're not in a relationship per se. But come on, when she meets an Australian surfer dude, can I really trust her? s***.

The odds of someone cheating on you abroad is no different from the odds of someone cheating on you in the same country. People who cheat will cheat regardless of where they are. I've traveled solo multiple times and zero cheating happened.

That being said, it's completely reasonable for you to not want to go through with this, if you prefer not to. Travel changes people, especially long-term travel - arguably, the changes are usually good (self-confidence, independence, etc), but still. Sometimes they will change in a way that's complementary with your growth together, sometimes they'll change in the opposite direction. That, alongside with the fact that LDRs are hard (doable, but still hard), are completely rational reasons to choose to break up. It really depends on how strongly you feel for her, as to whether or not staying with her will be worth it. It may not work out - if you can't come to terms with that risk or don't think that it's worth it, you should probably not be in a LDR.

I did an LDR for 2 years with my husband when we first met. We closed the distance and have been together for over a decade since. But I'll be the last person to tell a hesitant person to stay in a LDR. I repeat: They are really, really hard, and if you don't strongly feel that it's worth it, it's probably not.

Quote

What are the chances she thinks backpacking sucks and wants to go home earlier? Is backpacking only pleasant and fun? She's on a very tight budget so she will have to work to even pay for a cheap hostel, how's that like? How's Australia like on pretty much no pocket money at all? I heard it's expensive.

If you are seriously hoping that she will hate her time abroad and come back, then you might as well break up now.

Australia will be fine for her if she's on a working holiday visa. Minimum wage in Australia is more than $20/hr, so even though it's an expensive country, anyone who works full-time can afford to live there. More importantly, if she's the sort of person who has been planning this year abroad for many years beforehand, she is probably determined to stick it through so she doesn't regret it later. And many people who leave early DO regret it later... because a working holiday visa is age-limited and typically once-in-a-lifetime, so you can't just do it again later in life. Don't you want her to be able to fulfill her dreams?

Edit: Wait, hold on, I just re-read your post. Is this entire thread really about a woman whom you're not even in a relationship with!??!?!!

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by Elswyth

[BrinnM]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

letting her know he wants her to have a good time is the only way to neutralize the times he's "called her out"

I don’t know, man. I would advise against it. If he “wants to act cool towards her”, like he says, silence is golden. While I agree, though, that the calling her out thing wasn’t his greatest move (he said “I can see you’re online”, if I recall correctly), “neutralizing” it with a final announcement would just emphasize it more. But he’ll hopefully update us on what he decides to do. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, popules said:

She read my answer 4h ago without answering or later calling. Now it's past midnight there. Guess my hopes got up for nothing.

Unfortunately, this is how it's going to be. One disappointment after the next. She's travelling, partying and I'm sure you already know whatever else. Personally I think it's foolish to imprison yourself by trying to hang on to it. Break free. Be single. Date other women. Then you won't be staring at your phone, clocking response times etc.