Lou_Ann Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 Hello everybody, I recently met a man at my workplace. During the first few contacts we had, I felt attraction. I was just like “OMG I don’t want him, what a nuisance. Yet, he asked me out and I accepted. On our very first date, I felt something very deep toward him, although I still was not into him physically. It was warm and strong, I felt like I could move with him into his house that same day. And by the end of the date I had difficulties leaving him. We saw each other a few more times, but for personal reasons I have decided not to pursue the relationship. Despite this breakup, we both have difficulties moving on and feel a strong attachment to each other. Besides, what I felt on the first date is still inside and even grew stronger. Can someone tell me if this feeling is chemistry or passion, or did my heart found the soul mate? Small precision, I have never felt that way before with the other men I knew. Please help Thank you
basil67 Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 I can't tell you what this feeling was, but I can't help but wonder why you're choosing to walk away from something which feels so right 1
chillii Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 Who knows what it was not enough there to call it a soul mate thing as yet though and you say you've never felt this before but yet you walk away. So tbh, so much for what those feeling really amount to then. 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 24 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: I recently met a man at my workplace. for personal reasons I have decided not to pursue the relationship. Do you feel it's sexual harassment? Are either of you in other relationships? Or are you concerned with awkward workplace romances?
stillafool Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 35 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: I was just like “OMG I don’t want him, what a nuisance. Yet, he asked me out and I accepted. I'm still trying to understand this part. 4
Author Lou_Ann Posted October 20, 2022 Author Posted October 20, 2022 We a 20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you feel it's sexual harassment? Are either of you in other relationships? Or are you concerned with awkward workplace romances? It's none of all this. It's a culture related problem and it's very long to explain. The thing is I do like him and I feel something magnetic between us. I looked it up on the web and it seems to be chemistry maybe with a bit of passion. Still I can't figure it out.
giotto Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 But you are not physically attracted to him? 1
stillafool Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 7 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: Still I can't figure it out. Stop trying to figure it out and just enjoy the feeling. If it makes you feel good just go with it.
Author Lou_Ann Posted October 20, 2022 Author Posted October 20, 2022 2 minutes ago, giotto said: But you are not physically attracted to him I was not. But now yes and very much
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 9 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: It's a culture related problem and it's very long to explain. The thing is I do like him and I feel something magnetic between us. Well even if there is a lot of chemistry, since the workplace romance makes you uncomfortable, it's best not to pursue it, step back and simply be polite and professional to all your coworkers including this man. That last thing you want is to be the subject of office gossip when coworkers pick up on it...and they will. It may help to get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men you don't work with, so you can get a sense of what attracts you and what types of men you have simpatico and chemistry with. 1
glows Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 2 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: Can someone tell me if this feeling is chemistry or passion, or did my heart found the soul mate? It’s anything you want it to be. The question is why make a huge deal of it if you’ve decided not to pursue this? Appreciate the good company and move along. He deserves someone who is going to accept him fully regardless of “cultural” reasons. It’s refreshing to see you’re thinking with your head rather than jumping into anything too involved if you know you’re not wanting to commit. That speaks of respect for the other person and respect for yourself. Be careful about fantasizing though. He’s a nice guy. There are others. 2
mark clemson Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 (edited) You might be in the very initial stages of limerence, which (IMO) can sometimes be triggered/intensified by dysfunctional/"can't have" relationships. Since you're presumably going to be seeing him frequently at work, I suspect you're going to have a hard time with this as his "availability" will not go away. Hopefully it won't happen, but you may well get stuck on someone you can't actually have for at least a while. IF it goes to full-blown limerence it may become quite distressing unfortunately. You are already starting a "soul mates" narrative here, but you hardly know this person. Edited October 20, 2022 by mark clemson 1
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 If it's a cultural thing, why did you even bother going out on a date with him? Are you lonely/desperate? I suggest friendship, maybe that's all you really need.
Els Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 I don't think anyone can really help you if we don't know what the reasons for you choosing not to pursue a relationship with him is. "Cultural" is a very broad term. Is it just differing ethnicity, or does his culture come with expectations for women/wives that you don't agree with (but he does), etc?
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 I don't understand how culture can keep 2 people apart, religion yes, but culture? What you're describing sounds more like an addiction than attraction.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 Well to answer your question, your comfort with this guy does NOT mean you and he would work together in a relationship. What that comfort means is that you guys would have fun the first few weeks together. You'd be all over each other. But that instant comfort and warmth you felt with him does not (in my experience) mean that you two would work in a long-term relationship. You would have to try things out. I have had people in my life that I could sit around all day with--and feel in some totally different and peaceful world. But that didn't mean that we could fit well into each others' lives. In other words, as soon as I leave the blissful all-day hanging out and started to resume my hobbies and hang out with friends and all of that, then all-day comfort didn't really mean much. Actually noticing the "cultural" difference is really smart. That's the kind of thing that could ultimately bite you guys and undermine the comfort. The point of dating and going out with people is to figure out if two lives can work well together. That's the beauty of dating--it's a trial experiment. You do want to notice this comfort you felt--and be curious about it. Revisit it in a year. But to address the question I think you are asking, no that ease with him does not mean you are soul mates. And soul mates who want to have a real relationship have to work that relationship in the real world and in the rest of their lives.
Beachead Posted October 20, 2022 Posted October 20, 2022 @Lou_Ann Remember, you hardly know him so what you're feeling towards him isn't rooted in anything real but some kind of fantasy of who you think he is and who you think he could be for you. He could very well be the right person for you, but just as likely, could be terrible for you. You don't know yet. How does this guy handle relationship adversity? Life adversity? Will he bail on the relationship altogether or distance from you and put you in the dark or will be the type to communicate with you and involve you? If you face tough times, and you aren't at your best, and you make mistakes, would he understand? Can you two get passed disagreements? When you both grow passed the initial honeymoon phase, would you both still be committed to eachother? What do you want from this? What do you want for yourself? Can you answer these questions? Besides that, consider that it felt that right but you backed off, then whatever caused your reservations, is probably something you should listen to, as it could work its way into your relationship and become problematic. That is, unless you are willing to squash those reasons and not regret that decision because you know this is worth it to you. - Beach
NuevoYorko Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 12 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: We a It's none of all this. It's a culture related problem and it's very long to explain. The thing is I do like him and I feel something magnetic between us. I looked it up on the web and it seems to be chemistry maybe with a bit of passion. Still I can't figure it out. Well ... your first response to him was that he was a nuisance, and then you saw him "a few more times" and dumped him. From my perspective, there is really not much there and the "passion" and "soul mate" stuff is just fantasizing. You hardly know the guy. 1
Author Lou_Ann Posted October 21, 2022 Author Posted October 21, 2022 What I felt is deep ibside. How Can it bé fantazizing as what I felt was on the first date ? And I didn't know him at al, It does not make sense!
Maldives Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 (edited) Can I ask why in the hell would you break it off if the connection was so good? Some of the decisions people make on here are mind boggling. You have a great connection you mentioned you've never had anything like this before yet you think it's best to split. Does that really make any sense to you? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me. Edited October 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator remote quote
Author Lou_Ann Posted October 21, 2022 Author Posted October 21, 2022 7 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: Can I ask why in the hell would you break it off if the connection was so good? Some of the decisions people make on here are mind boggling. You have a great connection you mentioned you've never had anything like this before yet you think it's best to split. Does that really make any sense to you? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me. Yes you're right. Right now I am caught in a fight between mind and Heart. The fact is that in arabo-muslim countries like mine, a relationship of two peopoe from different social environment is complicated to deal with. Especially when it Comes to children éducation and in laws issues. His family is too conservative, while I was raised in an open mind environment. He is a bit conservative regarding religion while I am not. In my country, in laws generally tend to control their sons life. It is complicated 1
Maldives Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 9 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: Yes you're right. Right now I am caught in a fight between mind and Heart. The fact is that in arabo-muslim countries like mine, a relationship of two peopoe from different social environment is complicated to deal with. Especially when it Comes to children éducation and in laws issues. His family is too conservative, while I was raised in an open mind environment. He is a bit conservative regarding religion while I am not. In my country, in laws generally tend to control their sons life. It is complicated I see, however, attraction doesn't necessarily come from the same background. It never really has for me. Usually different nationality etc. It is what it is. It'd be a bonus for sure if you found someone with similar backgrounds. But here you have a situation where you're attracted and not only an attraction but a special one, I wouldn't throw it away so easily at the expense of your own self for your family 1
glows Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 6 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: His family is too conservative, while I was raised in an open mind environment. He is a bit conservative regarding religion while I am not. In my country, in laws generally tend to control their sons life. So you experienced what seems like initial attraction when meeting someone for the first time. I wouldn’t mistake it for “soulmates”. You’ve only met once and you don’t know him aside from the strong incompatibilities listed above. Eventually there’s a high likelihood this wouldn’t have worked.
NuevoYorko Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 12 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: What I felt is deep ibside. How Can it bé fantazizing as what I felt was on the first date ? And I didn't know him at al, It does not make sense! Very strong initial attraction happens all the time. It's a powerful feeling but more times than not does not indicate that a long term relationship will evolve from it.
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