Robinson crusoe Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 I usually keep things bottled up but I’m so sad and confused currently that I feel I need to reach out ,my wife and I were going through a rocky patch and I discovered she had been secretly texting a neighbour of ours and that things had got out of control , she denies any physical side of this relationship and that it was purely just texting, but my instincts are telling me that something ain’t right . We have a child and I’m staying strong for that reason as I don’t want to cause any upset , I feel I deserve better . Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 2 hours ago, Robinson crusoe said: ,my wife and I were going through a rocky patch . We have a child Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is the child? Do you both work? What is the nature of the "rocky patch"? Financial woes? Lack of intimacy? Being in a rut? Do either of you have untreated physical or mental health problems or issues with excess use of alcohol or drugs? How did you happened upon her private phone conversations? What compelled you to rifle through her phone? You could try marriage therapy, but first you need to figure out what all the rough patches are about and try to resolve those first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robinson crusoe Posted October 20, 2022 Author Share Posted October 20, 2022 We were in a rut and stressed with work and had stopped communicating, I wasn’t rifling through the phone a message had popped up that I saw as the phone was right beside me and it was inappropriate, this prompted me to question what had been going on .I’m the type of person that trusts wholeheartedly and if it’s broken I really don’t trust again . I love my wife or at least I think I do but I don’t feel I trust her . I’m not blameless as I can see where my faults lay , but I now feel I’m only in it so as to not hurt or upset my kid . Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 If you were not blameless, I don't agree that you necessarily "deserve" better. Perhaps you desire better. Anyway, it sounds like you're at the make or break point. Do you want to try and recover the marriage, or do you want to walk away? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Robinson crusoe said: I saw as the phone was right beside me and it was inappropriate, this prompted me to question what had been going on . now feel I’m only in it so as to not hurt or upset my kid . Do you mean sexting/flirting by 'inappropriate'? If you are in a rut and only together for the child, it may be time to fix your end of things, then you'll be better prepared either way. You both seem checked put from stress, wear and tear and a disconnect. Is flirting with the neighbor appropriate? No, of course not, but the problems that are fracturing the marriage existed before this. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robinson crusoe Posted October 20, 2022 Author Share Posted October 20, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: If you were not blameless, I don't agree that you necessarily "deserve" better. Perhaps you desire better. Anyway, it sounds like you're at the make or break point. Do you want to try and recover the marriage, or do you want to walk away? For the sake of our child I want to save it but I’m conflicted as I know this will be to my own detriment as I’m feeling low and unhappy, I’m more than capable of putting a brave face on to the outside world I’ve been doing it for the past 2 years , just at a crossroads 🤮 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robinson crusoe Posted October 20, 2022 Author Share Posted October 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you mean sexting/flirting by 'inappropriate'? If you are in a rut and only together for the child, it may be time to fix your end of things, then you'll be better prepared either way. You both seem checked put from stress, wear and tear and a disconnect. Is flirting with the neighbor appropriate? No, of course not, but the problems that are fracturing the marriage existed before this. Thanks again wise words , my wife thinks I’m over the texting episode but truly I’m still angry and hurt , it’s a thing I’d never even contemplate and can’t believe it was so close to home .I’ll either suck it up or it’s going to blow up . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 It may blow up because you’re sucking it up. Think through this a bit more. Don’t focus on the other man/neighbour. It’s a rotten trap most people fall into becoming enraged at the other person or an affair/possible affair. Focus on your issues in your marriage and whether they’re fixable. If they are not and the problems are ongoing the writing is on the wall. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 Yeah I second this. Your wife and you owe eachother because you once committed to eachother. Your wife’s suspected affair partner and you have no such commitment. If you have a problem with their behaviour, your wife is the one to approach about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 21 hours ago, Robinson crusoe said: Thanks again wise words , my wife thinks I’m over the texting episode but truly I’m still angry and hurt , it’s a thing I’d never even contemplate and can’t believe it was so close to home .I’ll either suck it up or it’s going to blow up . Can you express your emotions in a way that does not seem like nagging or holding on to resentment? If you can, I suggest you should talk to your wife. If you can’t, think about a caring and loving way in which to phrase your message and talk to your wife then. Walking around with these feelings and experiencing your wife doesn’t seem to care is not going to help you move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robinson crusoe Posted October 21, 2022 Author Share Posted October 21, 2022 Good points thanks a lot 👍 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 24, 2022 Share Posted October 24, 2022 (edited) On 10/20/2022 at 12:18 AM, Robinson crusoe said: I discovered she had been secretly texting a neighbour of ours and that things had got out of control , she denies any physical side of this relationship and that it was purely just texting, but my instincts are telling me that something ain’t right . What does this mean? Was there a sexual or flirtatious nature to the texts, or was it just a lot of banter about nonsense like neighborhood gossip or school schedules? You make it sound like it was flirting at least, but do you want to confirm this. Some people will flirt and it means essentially nothing and doesn't threaten the relationship. Also, in an emotionally healthy relationship, partners are allowed to have platonic friendships. And sometimes people lean on their friends a bit more during "rough patches'. Other times there is a more serious intent and/or a "flirtatious friendship" can start developing into something more, at which point it DOES threaten the relationship. Also if you are a partner who simply doesn't want your wife even flirting with other men, that is your prerogative to establish the "boundary" that's right for you so you feel emotionally safe in the relationship. But still wondering - what did "out of control" actually entail? Edited October 24, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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