friendly or flirty grad student/professor

[rando1234]

So, I recently transfered colleges.

I'm an adult grad student. I just wanted to find out if my professor is being flirty or friendly. 

Here are the happenings: 

I attended a freshman fall opening event to meet the department I would be studing in. When the music was too loud I ended up going behind the table and getting very close to the professor to look at the flyer about the information so I could hear better. He was a little bit close to me and I had my daughter with me at the time and he offered her some of the gifts and swag items on the table to include her (she is a teen, as said adult student) 

Then, I attended a student lunch to ask questions about the grad program. I didn't want to stick around long becuase the other students there were only there for the lunch; but I wanted to asks about some testing for after I finished. I was interested in 2 different tests; so I had to speak with one professor and the other one mentioned above, and in question. So at this time, he took me out in the hallway (there were still others coming and going, so it was not alone alone) to talk with me about the test. At that time, he looked into my eyes for a long time and then I hurriedly made an excuse to get to class (he knew I did not have class at that time, there was no class at that time). I vaguely remember him throwing his arm up in the air and rolling his eyes while walking off saying yep - class. 

Then I attended another student event about a book. Because it is the same department I figured he would be there and I would be seeing him around. So I made a comment that kind of kept the presenter on his toes and heard a chuckle from the back of the room, i think it was the professor. During the presentation I also almost choked myself out because there was a service dog in the meeting and a fan was blowing all of the pollen and dog dander in my face; I'm allergic. After the session was over he let me know there were extra drinks and where to get them. I also had to speak with him about a project I am on and about my Thesis committee. So He asked me to quietly sit down at the table which was great. I told him about the project from the other department I was working on also. Then - later an email (to everyone) was sent offering up the meeting room if not in use for outside projects. 

Next, I was in an article and later found out when it was published he also had his word on it too. He is not even faculty for that - it is a project in an entirely different department, but he was also interviewed. *I was avoiding working with him since the long stare in the hallway* 

I'm not sure if he is just involved and being nice, or if he likes me and this is normal behavior? I haven't seen him taking other students into the hallway to talk or anything, and when I knocked on another professors door I got grumbles and OMG WHAT DO YOU WANT. It was like it was a sin to be at his office *eyeroll* I came to ask about the thesis committee. 

So anyway, not sure what's going on with this, but I am just wondering what other people think.  

So far, I just know he has nice eyes and this is not going away, but I have to work with this. 

What does everyone think? 

 

[NuevoYorko]

I can't tell if he's "flirtry" or not,  I guess the extended eye contact might be.  Telling you where to get a drink, being interviewed for the same article as you, having you on a group email or asking you to "sit quietly" at a table ... why are you even registering all of these things?  You seem to be obsessed.  Is it going to be a problem for you?

[rando1234]

So, it's relevant to my degree to register for all of these things. 

I am a little bit obsessed because I am not sure if it is flirty or friendly. I'd like to know how to react or not react to these things. If someone is just being friendly in a professional situation, then it wouldn't hurt to smile back. But if it's flirty and I smile back, Im not sure Im prepared to have that conversation with a professor who oversees my work. 

I haven't had a professor stare at me like that or take any interest at all out side of class and hold extremely professional relationshps. 

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by rando1234

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, rando1234 said:

I haven't had a professor stare at me like that or take any interest at all out side of class 

It depends. Do you have a crush on him or do you feel it's sexual harassment?

If his interactions and outgoing nature are welcome, then there shouldn't be a problem, but if you feel he's creepy, then step back. 

Either way it's doubtful he would risk his profession and reputation to come on to students. If you feel that's the case, just be as professional as possible.

[rando1234]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

reputation

I doubt it also. 

It's welcome if it's both actually. There is obviously a shared interest becuase we are in the same department. . I don't have much time before I finish my program but that being said, I am trying to avoid it. He is not the kind of guy I normally find attractive, but he isn't necessarily bad looking; just not what I would normally go for. I don't have much interaction with him because he is not on my roster, but he could come up on it later. I had an established career before going back to complete grad school, so it's not exactly like I am a fresh college kid and just vulnerable. It's not necessarily unwanted, but a bit confusing because it's a semi professional environment. I thought it was very kind of him to include my daughter when I went to ask questions about the program at the event. 

I wouldn't call it creepy; but I am definately confused about whether or not it's friendly or flirty. I kind of want it to be flirty but also do not usually do that at all and i don't even know if he is single or what. I don't know him well and just see him from time to time in the department meetings and stuff. I have never been great at discerning these things*

[basil67]

He sounds like he's relatable and warm.  With uncomfortably long eye contact.  I wouldn't read anything into it

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rando1234 said:

. I kind of want it to be flirty but  i don't even know if he is single or what.

It's ok to have a crush. This is simply a more sophisticated version of the classic "crush on the teacher" syndrome. It probably won't go anywhere and seems rather benign.

[rando1234]

I take it with a grain of salt. I also have a life to deal with and it's not a crush per say. I just would like to know how to react and I'm bad at discerning these things.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, rando1234 said:

I just would like to know how to react

Be friendly and professional. That's the best approach, no matter what his intentions, actions, etc. are.

[glows]

I don’t quite see where he’s flirty. He might have suggested talking in the hallway if it was crowded or too noisy. Did he say anything inappropriate or flirty? Staring into your eyes is relative and some people make uncomfortable eye contact for too long or stand too close, outside what the majority of others do making it seem unusual when it’s not unusual to them. If you found it unusual or flattering I wouldn’t think much of it. 

Interact as you would with any other professor or staff of the university. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

There doesn't appear to be any flirting going on.

It can sometimes be difficult to decipher.

Sometimes we might be misinterpreting the situation due to our interest in the other person. One time I was returning from the bathroom and this really cute man was staring at me. I thought to myself, "sweet!" Turns out, he was just staring at the toilet paper that accidentally stuck to my pants. 

Regarding his eye contact. Are prolonged eye contact and attraction always linked? Not always.

Though it's not unheard of for men to stare at women or women to stare at men that they find attractive. The person who stares at you may simply find you attractive and not necessarily be interested in dating. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, rando1234 said:

I would respond differently if it were friendly vs romantic gestures. 

In what way?  How would you act/respond differently? Are you interested in pursuing something if it's flirty vs friendly?

[rando1234]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In what way?  How would you act/respond differently? Are you interested in pursuing something if it's flirty vs friendly?

I would probably be open to being more friendly and social if I understood the gestures. 

I don't communicate at all unless it's absolutely necessary and have been avoiding beneficial events and things.

As of now, I avoid everything and look straigh ahead if I hve to speak with him to avoid any connotation of flirting back if that is what it is.

I could loosen up a bit*  

Edited October 16, 2022 by rando1234

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, rando1234 said:

I would probably be open to being more friendly and social if I understood the gestures. 

I don't communicate at all unless it's absolutely necessary and have been avoiding beneficial events and things.

As of now, I avoid everything and look straigh ahead if I hve to speak with him to avoid any connotation of flirting back if that is what it is.

This is a very odd response on your part.  Is this also how you interact with all your other lecturers?   

[BrinnM]

It’s super-uncomfortable to get unwanted attention from somebody you’re supposed to be having a professional relationship with, so I totally get it.
We don’t know if he really is flirty, though, or just friendly & supportive. Maybe he has noticed that you’re socially a little bit awkward, or not used to being around people a lot, so he wants to make it easier for you by being extra friendly. 

Could that be what’s happening?

Just try to stay out if his way for a while (as much as you can), and see what happens…..

[rando1234]

Just now, basil67 said:

This is a very odd response on your part.  Is this also how you interact with all your other lecturers?   

No because I don't think the other lecturers are being flirty. I am pretty laid back and professional and sometimes joke around with them because I know without a doubt it wouldn't be perceived as flirting. 

[rando1234]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

It’s super-uncomfortable to get unwanted attention from somebody you’re supposed to be having a professional relationship with, so I totally get it.
We don’t know if he really is flirty, though, or just friendly & supportive. Maybe he has noticed that you’re socially a little bit awkward, or not used to being around people a lot, so he wants to make it easier for you by being extra friendly. 

Could that be what’s happening?

Just try to stay out if his way for a while (as much as you can), and see what happens…..

Thank you for understanding what I'm trying to say lol I think the others do not. 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, rando1234 said:

No because I don't think the other lecturers are being flirty. I am pretty laid back and professional and sometimes joke around with them because I know without a doubt it wouldn't be perceived as flirting. 

I would suggest you treat everyone in the same manner.  Getting weird and strange with one lecturer just makes you seem odd. 

If you aren't flirting with this lecturer, then you will have nothing to worry about.

[Alpacalia]

OP, this really just sounds like someone doing their job. Normally, if someone is interested in dating you, they will ask you deeper, more probing questions and will reach out to you outside of the professional sphere in an attempt to find out more about you.

[rando1234]

 

On 10/16/2022 at 6:28 PM, Alpacalia said:

OP, this really just sounds like someone doing their job. Normally, if someone is interested in dating you, they will ask you deeper, more probing questions and will reach out to you outside of the professional sphere in an attempt to find out more about you.

This is what I am trying to avoid happening due to the subtleties he is giving off now. 

[]

Edited October 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Alpacalia]

On 10/16/2022 at 6:35 PM, rando1234 said:

 

This is what I am trying to avoid happening due to the subtleties he is giving off now. 

[]

 

It's okay, then just keep the tone light and stick to the topic of school.

[]

Edited October 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator