Should I just block him or tell him honestly how I feel?

[glows]

10 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

That’s what he deserves yes. Just ignore him and if he contacts me again wanting to meet I tell him ‘no thanks’ or even better, tell him ‘I’ll let you know when I am available’ and then say nothing more.

You’re better off blocking him completely if you’re doubting or unsure like this. I agree he’s taking up way too much mental energy and space in your mind. Free yourself up to think and do things you really like to do rather than how to respond to some guy who didn’t give you the time of day. 

Id have completely switched and started thinking or doing other things, not bothering to make any decision or response to this person but everyone is different and I think you’re still quite hurt. Distance yourself and block him if you need to. It’s not worth the extra space he’s taking up right now in your mind/life.

[Msblueeyez]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re better off blocking him completely if you’re doubting or unsure like this. I agree he’s taking up way too much mental energy and space in your mind. Free yourself up to think and do things you really like to do rather than how to respond to some guy who didn’t give you the time of day. 

Id have completely switched and started thinking or doing other things, not bothering to make any decision or response to this person but everyone is different and I think you’re still quite hurt. Distance yourself and block him if you need to. It’s not worth the extra space he’s taking up right now in your mind/life.

I think the reason I haven’t blocked him yet is because somehow I am waiting for him to come back with an apology or a justification for his behaviour, which I know of course is not gonna happen.

I am realizing now how his behaviour has always been inconsistent and hot/cold and that’s just how he is.

I am focusing on myself and building up to the point where I am ready to block him for good. I am still hurt now yes.

[Msblueeyez]

5 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Block delete and move on.  Not sure what kind of game he is playing but he is certainly doing so with you.  

He is either playing a game or just completely focused on himself and not giving a sh**. Elther way I am done.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I think the reason I haven’t blocked him yet is because somehow I am waiting for him to come back with an apology or a justification for his behaviour, which I know of course is not gonna happen.

I am realizing now how his behaviour has always been inconsistent and hot/cold and that’s just how he is.

Would it make a difference even if he apologized? That trust is broken and you’ve seen him hot/cold. Logically the apology seems empty coming from a person like this. In reality there are conflicting emotions and hurt bundled in there but give yourself more time like you say. 

For future reference-

What I’d be more inclined to do is learn to react to these cues earlier in a way that makes more sense to you. If someone is hot/cold or seems inconsistent, step back. Don’t draw nearer or become more involved. The only way you’ll see someone’s true colours is in observing them regularly in person and through your communication over a steady or longer period of time. There are no shortcuts to this at all. Trust comes slowly and is built over time, bit by bit.

Edited October 17, 2022 by glows

[Msblueeyez]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Would it make a difference even if he apologized? That trust is broken and you’ve seen him hot/cold. Logically the apology seems empty coming from a person like this. In reality there are conflicting emotions and hurt bundled in there but give yourself more time like you say. 

For future reference-

What I’d be more inclined to do is learn to react to these cues earlier in a way that makes more sense to you. If someone is hot/cold or seems inconsistent, step back. Don’t draw nearer or become more involved. The only way you’ll see someone’s true colours is in observing them regularly in person and through your communication over a steady or longer period of time. There are no shortcuts to this at all. Trust comes slowly and is built over time, bit by bit.

You are right, trust is broken. He told me to tell him when I am available and when I did, he acted like I am a burden and annoying him.

This in itself breaks trust because I cannot trust what he says.

You are right I should have watched past cues and red flags.

Actually when we met in the beginning of summer the first time we were intimate at his place, after the deed was done we were talking on his bed and he saw I was getting sleepy (it was around 1am) and he told me to get dressed and took me back to my car that was parked 10 minutes from his house.

I still had to drive about 20 minutes back to mine and he didn’t even care if I arrived safe at mine. He only messaged me next day.

I was shocked by this as I was mever kicked out of a man’s house like this before. So yes he showed many things before and I didn’t pay attention, but now enough is enough.

[glows]

That’s the risk taken when sleeping with someone on the first meeting or date. I agree it could have been handled differently but you both had a misunderstanding there. You assumed you were welcome to sleep over after having just met which proved to be untrue. He doesn’t owe you anything at all because he doesn’t know you past one evening or one day, the same day you just met.

Any time you’re not comfortable with something step back and reevaluate. You can’t change others but you can change the way you go about things. 

I’m really sorry this ended like this. I’d avoid a person who doesn’t meet expectations. You both are looking for different things and he seems disrespectful to you(not what you’re searching for).

[Msblueeyez]

44 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s the risk taken when sleeping with someone on the first meeting or date. I agree it could have been handled differently but you both had a misunderstanding there. You assumed you were welcome to sleep over after having just met which proved to be untrue. He doesn’t owe you anything at all because he doesn’t know you past one evening or one day, the same day you just met.

Any time you’re not comfortable with something step back and reevaluate. You can’t change others but you can change the way you go about things. 

I’m really sorry this ended like this. I’d avoid a person who doesn’t meet expectations. You both are looking for different things and he seems disrespectful to you(not what you’re searching for).

We didn’t have sex on the first date. 

Actually it was on the 5th date, after several dates and him saying he was looking for a relationship.

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I think the reason I haven’t blocked him yet is because somehow I am waiting for him to come back with an apology or a justification for his behaviour...

Of course, I totally get this^.

It's human nature to want that when we really like someone.

It's also human nature to want the last word; not saying it's a healthy way to think, but as emotional beings, it's human nature. 

It's so easy for others to say "block, delete, move on" even I suggested blocking earlier.

But having thought more about it, I've been in your shoes and it's not how it works in my experience.

If you block him, you will always wonder whether or not he tried to contact you and that in and of itself can keep you in a sort of mental prison too. 

Been there, done that. So have many others which explains why people block /unblock/ block/ unblock - blocking someone we really like can be crazy making.

That wondering can sometimes be worse than simply leaving them unblocked and playing it out.

There is no easy answer or right or wrong way to do this imo.

Continue living your life, talk to and meet other men, and in time the memory of him will fade until there's nothing left.

I've never been "pumped and dumped" but I can only imagine it's very very hurtful and I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

 

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ray_xx]

On 10/15/2022 at 10:13 AM, Msblueeyez said:

I met this guy before last summer, we went on a few dates and seemed to get along fine. 

At that time he complained I never say anything and has to be always him to contact me and arrange the dates. 

We didn’t talk for a few weeks and then started talking again a month ago.

We went on a date and got along fine. He told me for me to tell him when I am free to meet again.

So I decided to do different this time and instead of waiting for him to reach out like before, I contacted him telling him when I’ll be free. 

So last week I told him I will be free on Friday but he came with a work excuse for not being able to meet. Then I told him I can meet Saturday as well and again he had another excuse not to meet, not offering any alternative, like meeting Sunday or other day.

He said nothing else and this week I told him I am free again on Friday, and again he said he is busy with work but will let me know if he can meet. He said nothing. 

So before he was complaining I never initiated contact, now I do he has been rejecting me left and right.

I am fed up and thinking he is either playing games or just not interested anymore.

I am annoyed with his behaviour and am thinking of just block, delete and move on. 

But I feel this urge to say something to him, to be honest and tell him that he was the one asking me to tell him when I am free, I was trying to do different and be more proactive than before but he’s been rejecting me so he won’t hear from me again. At least I have more courage than him to tell the truth.

What do you advise? Thank you!

Reading this, I feel this guy is just messing about and allowing his ego to play the game. He was probs just wanting your attention initially and couldn't understand why you didn't reach out to him first. Now you have, you have filled his ego and sounds like he's not bothered. Block him - waste of energy and space.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, DonaldStanley said:

I am annoyed with his behaviour and am thinking of just block, delete and move on. 

Why have you returned with a new handle?  In any case,  you've been "thinking" about this for too long.  The whole point of blocking him would have been to detach yourself emotionally from a person and situation that was absolutely going nowhere for you.  That hasn't changed, and won't change, but you're still living in that place.  Obviously you have your reasons for choosing to stay enmeshed in this little drama.  Your life will be better when you get to a place where you stop overthinking and analyzing minutia that really has no bearing on the big picture.  We've already gone through what the big picture here means.   None of that is going to change whether you have the last word or even see this guy some more.  You know who he is, and you know how important you are to him.  That's information you have.  

 

[Msblueeyez]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Of course, I totally get this^.

It's human nature to want that when we really like someone.

It's also human nature to want the last word; not saying it's a healthy way to think, but as emotional beings, it's human nature. 

It's so easy for others to say "block, delete, move on" even I suggested blocking earlier.

But having thought more about it, I've been in your shoes and it's not how it works in my experience.

If you block him, you will always wonder whether or not he tried to contact you and that in and of itself can keep you in a sort of mental prison too. 

Been there, done that. So have many others which explains why people block /unblock/ block/ unblock - blocking someone we really like can be crazy making.

That wondering can sometimes be worse than simply leaving them unblocked and playing it out.

There is no easy answer or right or wrong way to do this imo.

Continue living your life, talk to and meet other men, and in time the memory of him will fade until there's nothing left.

I've never been "pumped and dumped" but I can only imagine it's very very hurtful and I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

 

 

Thank you. Yes I feel I am not ready to block and delete just now as I am hurt and still in the ‘would like to talk’ stage. So I don’t want to block now.

I feel that as time passes and he doesn’t reach out, I am disconnecting from him and will get to the point of blocking and deleting or it won’t make a difference anymore.

I guessed I liked him and his sudden change hit me hard.

 

[Msblueeyez]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why have you returned with a new handle?  In any case,  you've been "thinking" about this for too long.  The whole point of blocking him would have been to detach yourself emotionally from a person and situation that was absolutely going nowhere for you.  That hasn't changed, and won't change, but you're still living in that place.  Obviously you have your reasons for choosing to stay enmeshed in this little drama.  Your life will be better when you get to a place where you stop overthinking and analyzing minutia that really has no bearing on the big picture.  We've already gone through what the big picture here means.   None of that is going to change whether you have the last word or even see this guy some more.  You know who he is, and you know how important you are to him.  That's information you have.  

 

You are right. I was emotionally involved with him so that is why I still am not at the point of blocking and deleting just yet, but will get there.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, DonaldStanley said:

I am annoyed with his behaviour and am thinking of just block, delete and move on. 

Are you @Msblueeyez?

[Msblueeyez]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you @Msblueeyez?

That is not me.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

I guessed I liked him and his sudden change hit me hard.

 

You guessed you liked him? You clearly liked him which is why his "sudden" change hit you hard. I will say sex often is what sparks a change. If you're a "maybe" to the guy, sex kind of has to solidify things one way or the other (i.e. either you move towards a relationship or things end). As most people aren't compatible long term anyways, often the result is that things end. That's dating. There are no guarantees. But I would also do some introspection - are you upset that you won't be moving towards a relationship with this particular guy because you thought he was a really good long term catch and compatible with you? Or are you upset because he's not interested in you, which triggers your insecurities? Either way, I agree with most of the others that blocking and deleting will allow you to move on more quickly.

[Msblueeyez]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

You guessed you liked him? You clearly liked him which is why his "sudden" change hit you hard. I will say sex often is what sparks a change. If you're a "maybe" to the guy, sex kind of has to solidify things one way or the other (i.e. either you move towards a relationship or things end). As most people aren't compatible long term anyways, often the result is that things end. That's dating. There are no guarantees. But I would also do some introspection - are you upset that you won't be moving towards a relationship with this particular guy because you thought he was a really good long term catch and compatible with you? Or are you upset because he's not interested in you, which triggers your insecurities? Either way, I agree with most of the others that blocking and deleting will allow you to move on more quickly.

This was not the first time we had sex, we had it before when we met and dated before summer.

The reason I am upset is simple: when we dated before I was affraid of going too deep so I leaned back and acted a bit aloof and he complained it was always him contacting me to get together. He was chasing me at the time.

I realised at the time I wasn’t emotionally available and did some work on myself, so when he came back now I wanted to do different, and I was soft, kind, open, available, and contacting him, and then he does this.

So I just feel like when I was cold and leaning back he was sooooo keen and chasing me, now I wanted to be open and available and I thought he was going to see the change and like it, and he rejects me and withdraws. 

I don’t feel like he did it on purpose because of my previous behaviour with him, but I just don’t understand.

 

[Beachead]

@Msblueeyez

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

I realised at the time I wasn’t emotionally available and did some work on myself, so when he came back now I wanted to do different, and I was soft, kind, open, available, and contacting him, and then he does this.

So I just feel like when I was cold and leaning back he was sooooo keen and chasing me, now I wanted to be open and available and I thought he was going to see the change and like it, and he rejects me and withdraws. 

Just remember there are other factors that contribute to why people do what they do beyond your quality as a partner.  We all have a past.  We all have baggage.  We all have experiences.  As such, we are shaped and influenced by these things and they play a role in how we see ourselves and how we see and interpret the world and ultimately affects the choices we make.   You could be an amazing person to him but because of something he might be going through or things that pertain to his past like trauma, he behaves in this manner and makes these choices.  

Don't solely wear the responsibility.  He also has a role in making it work.  If he doesn't, then you have to make peace with the fact that you've done everything you could.   If who you are and what you two shared isn't enough for him, your relationship was never going to happen.

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by Beachead

[Msblueeyez]

4 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Msblueeyez

Just remember there are other factors that contribute to why people do what they do beyond your quality as a partner.  We all have a past.  We all have baggage.  We all have experiences.  As such, we are shaped and influenced by these things and they play a role in how we see ourselves and how we see and interpret the world and ultimately affects the choices we make.   You could be an amazing person to him but because of something he might be going through or things that pertain to his past like trauma, he behaves in this manner and makes these choices.  

Don't solely wear the responsibility.  He also has a role in making it work.  If he doesn't, then you have to make peace with the fact that you've done everything you could.   If who you are and what you two shared isn't enough for him, your relationship was never going to happen.

 

True. This all means we are not compatible. And has a friend of mine says, rejection is protection.

If we were meant to be, this wouldn’t be happening.

Maybe I can start being thankful to him because he helped me open up emotionally and be available and ready for a relationship and now I can move on and find the right person.

[NuevoYorko]

17 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

Maybe I can start being thankful to him because he helped me open up emotionally and be available and ready for a relationship and now I can move on and find the right person.

Right.  Well, maybe you don't have to be thankful, because he is a lowlife.

You can't have a successful relationship if you are just passive.  

I'm not sure if you have other accounts on here, but there are a few posters who write similarly to the way you do.  All they  seem to connect with in the posts  is how much attention a man is paying to them, whether they act interested, ask questions, call / text enough, plan dates.  Those things are important, for sure, but I notice that these posters literally NEVER write anything about the man himself, good or bad, or what it's like to be together.  

It's mostly like they are passively receiving only.  

No relationship like that will be able to go anywhere.   There are so many things wrong.   For one, of course, the person doing all the work is not feeling much in return.  But for the poster(s)' sake,  they seem to be so hung up on the man doing these acts to "prove" his interest that they are completely not registering any facts about his character, personality, lifestyle, whether the two of them are even compatible, or even if they LIKE the fellow (I noticed right away that all you had to say was "we got along fine.  That's not much) .  They don't write about their own personality or lifestyles either:  Just how much the guy shows interest and what does that mean.  

So don't be a passenger in your relationships.   Be a full participant.  But this guy?  Loser.

 

[Msblueeyez]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Right.  Well, maybe you don't have to be thankful, because he is a lowlife.

You can't have a successful relationship if you are just passive.  

I'm not sure if you have other accounts on here, but there are a few posters who write similarly to the way you do.  All they  seem to connect with in the posts  is how much attention a man is paying to them, whether they act interested, ask questions, call / text enough, plan dates.  Those things are important, for sure, but I notice that these posters literally NEVER write anything about the man himself, good or bad, or what it's like to be together.  

It's mostly like they are passively receiving only.  

No relationship like that will be able to go anywhere.   There are so many things wrong.   For one, of course, the person doing all the work is not feeling much in return.  But for the poster(s)' sake,  they seem to be so hung up on the man doing these acts to "prove" his interest that they are completely not registering any facts about his character, personality, lifestyle, whether the two of them are even compatible, or even if they LIKE the fellow (I noticed right away that all you had to say was "we got along fine.  That's not much) .  They don't write about their own personality or lifestyles either:  Just how much the guy shows interest and what does that mean.  

So don't be a passenger in your relationships.   Be a full participant.  But this guy?  Loser.

 

Well I didn’t write more about him or our interactions because I don’t want to write an essay about him and that is now irrelevant. 

My focus is on his behaviour and how it made me feel and my actions going forward.

 

[Beachead]

@Msblueeyez

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

True. This all means we are not compatible. And has a friend of mine says, rejection is protection.

Good way to put it.  Easy to remember.  If they do this, then it means they very likely know something you don't about the outcome of you and them.  Their absence is their answer and that's all you need to focus on.  Trust it.

Edited October 17, 2022 by Beachead

[Alvi]

You know what? I thought about it and I know I told you to block him. But why not do something opposite since you are unable to block him? Why not break up with him instead? You could send him a message where you thank him for whatever good time the two of you have shared and also tell him that you don't believe that the two of you a good match. Wish him well and that is it. Keep it nice, short and to the point. He may or may not reply to your message. If he does, tell him that while this is difficult for you, you believe that breaking up is for the best. Perhaps a soft approach like that is going to be able to set you free and put this chapter behind you.

4 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

My focus is on his behaviour and how it made me feel and my actions going forward.

This is a mistake. Why his behavior is so important to you? Your main focus needs to be on you, you are the queen. Sorry to say, but he is irrelevant, his behavior is no longer relevant. He is either completely out or is on his way out of your life. I know, it sounds selfish, but this is all about you, you and you some more. Make yourself a primary focus.

Maybe it is worthwhile to explore with a phycologist why you are allowing this guy to treat you so badly and why you cannot let him go completely.

[Msblueeyez]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

You know what? I thought about it and I know I told you to block him. But why not do something opposite since you are unable to block him? Why not break up with him instead? You could send him a message where you thank him for whatever good time the two of you have shared and also tell him that you don't believe that the two of you a good match. Wish him well and that is it. Keep it nice, short and to the point. He may or may not reply to your message. If he does, tell him that while this is difficult for you, you believe that breaking up is for the best. Perhaps a soft approach like that is going to be able to set you free and put this chapter behind you.

This is a mistake. Why his behavior is so important to you? Your main focus needs to be on you, you are the queen. Sorry to say, but he is irrelevant, his behavior is no longer relevant. He is either completely out or is on his way out of your life. I know, it sounds selfish, but this is all about you, you and you some more. Make yourself a primary focus.

Maybe it is worthwhile to explore with a phycologist why you are allowing this guy to treat you so badly and why you cannot let him go completely.

Thank you, but I had a few days to calm down and think things through and I went from being angry and wanting to tell this guy off to just want to ignore him.

Breaking up is a good idea, but I just realised that yes I am the queen and he is irrelevant and so I do not wish to engage with him anymore or give him my energy at all.

Well I think is normal to feel this way and take time to let go, after all I liked him and was intimate with him and I am a human being with feelings.

I don’t need a psychologist to tell me I am emotionally open and I feel things. But he is out now and I won’t allow him to treat me any other way.

[Alpacalia]

Go dark Msblueeyez, that's all you need to do.

The moment someone’s patterns show you they don’t want the best for you, cut them off.

It will sting like hell, but this saga has mind ****** (insert expletive), broke, and damaged you MORE than the relationship you have not-so-gracefully exited. Being the training wheels for toxic people makes you toxic yourself. Kindly.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

 just want to ignore him.

 

At the very least, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media.

Since you are uncertain if you want further communication with him, that is a good place to start. You could ignore him, but if you were to delete and block him from messaging apps also, he would automatically be ignored.