Should I just block him or tell him honestly how I feel?

[Msblueeyez]

I met this guy before last summer, we went on a few dates and seemed to get along fine. 

At that time he complained I never say anything and has to be always him to contact me and arrange the dates. 

We didn’t talk for a few weeks and then started talking again a month ago.

We went on a date and got along fine. He told me for me to tell him when I am free to meet again.

So I decided to do different this time and instead of waiting for him to reach out like before, I contacted him telling him when I’ll be free. 

So last week I told him I will be free on Friday but he came with a work excuse for not being able to meet. Then I told him I can meet Saturday as well and again he had another excuse not to meet, not offering any alternative, like meeting Sunday or other day.

He said nothing else and this week I told him I am free again on Friday, and again he said he is busy with work but will let me know if he can meet. He said nothing. 

So before he was complaining I never initiated contact, now I do he has been rejecting me left and right.

I am fed up and thinking he is either playing games or just not interested anymore.

I am annoyed with his behaviour and am thinking of just block, delete and move on. 

But I feel this urge to say something to him, to be honest and tell him that he was the one asking me to tell him when I am free, I was trying to do different and be more proactive than before but he’s been rejecting me so he won’t hear from me again. At least I have more courage than him to tell the truth.

What do you advise? Thank you!

Edited October 15, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I am annoyed with his behaviour and am thinking of just block, delete and move on. 

 I feel this urge to say something to him, 

It's best to block and delete him since it's been strained and annoying all along. 

A simple "we're not a match" is better than educating him on how not to be a jerk. Let him figure that out on his own.

Your only job is to prevent burnout and irritation from people like this by stepping away promptly and permanently.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Msblueeyez]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's best to block and delete him since it's been strained and annoying all along. 

A simple "we're not a match" is better than educating him on how not to be a jerk. Let him figure that out on his own.

Your only job is to prevent burnout and irritation from people like this by stepping away promptly and permanently.

Thank you. I am not going to educate him on how not to be a jerk, I would just like to tell him that makes no sense to ask me to tell him when I am available to meet and then when I do he keeps rejecting me with BS excuses. No need for that and he won’t hear from me again.

I just really feel the need to say something.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I just really feel the need to say something.

Yes he's being a jerk so don't invest even more time arguing with him.

[Msblueeyez]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes he's being a jerk so don't invest even more time arguing with him.

Maybe you are right. And perhaps he will say something that will make me feel even worse, so why bother.

[glows]

I agree with the above approach. Don’t argue about it. I would not even honour it/acknowledge the hypocrisy. Completely refocus on you and people who do make time for you. Reset here and then give someone else a chance to take you out and enjoy company.

[poppyfields]

Agree with Wiseman and Glows, any reaction from you (annoyance, frustration even confusion) gives him power over you and he knows it. . 

Indifference is best. 

NO reaction, simply block and delete.  Next.  

It took me awhile to learn this, learned the hard way.  And it does take strength and self-discipline.

Because wanting to react, needing to react is a very human thing. 

But it serves no good purpose, it gives the other person agency over you knowing they "got to you."

Ignore and delete.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I am fed up and thinking he is either playing games or just not interested anymore.

He’s not interested. If he was, he would make time to meet you. 

6 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

But I feel this urge to say something to him, to be honest and tell him that he was the one asking me to tell him when I am free, I was trying to do different and be more proactive than before but he’s been rejecting me so he won’t hear from me again. At least I have more courage than him to tell the truth.

That’s not courage, that’s just you asserting yourself to tell him that you were right and he is wrong because you think it will make you feel better. This is your ego talking. He doesn’t care - you are an acquaintance to him at this point. He will go on with his life and never think of you again. There is literally nothing to gain from telling him how you feel. Keep your dignity and just let this go…

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Thank you. I am not going to educate him on how not to be a jerk, I would just like to tell him that makes no sense to ask me to tell him when I am available to meet and then when I do he keeps rejecting me with BS excuses.

That's not really what happened, in the bigger picture.

You and this guy already had a go at it and it was a flop.  You reconnected and had one more date and clearly it was not enough to rekindle anything.  So that ship had already sailed.

The first time you contacted him after, and he excused himself, was enough for you to know that.   He's not being a jerk; he's just not interested in you now.  

You did get valuable information from your experience with this fellow:  Do not be completely passive when dating.  If you're not participating and letting the man know that you are definitely interested, and you are interested,  you might want to step that up a bit going forward.  

Edited October 15, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Msblueeyez]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's not really what happened, in the bigger picture.

You and this guy already had a go at it and it was a flop.  You reconnected and had one more date and clearly it was not enough to rekindle anything.  So that ship had already sailed.

The first time you contacted him after, and he excused himself, was enough for you to know that.   He's not being a jerk; he's just not interested in you now.  

You did get valuable information from your experience with this fellow:  Do not be completely passive when dating.  If you're not participating and letting the man know that you are definitely interested, and you are interested,  you might want to step that up a bit going forward.  

Yes I know, but the reason I think he is being a jerk is because it was HIM to ask me to tell him when I am next available.

If he’s not into me anymore fine, but why ask me to tell him when I am available and when I do, he excuses himself? Then I get confused because he is giving me mixed messages. 

It would have been better if after our date he had the courage to say he doesn’t want to see me again, os just say nothing. Don’t ask a person to tell you when they can meet and then reject them. That IS being a jerk in my opinion and the reason I am annoyed. Total lack of integrity.

[NuevoYorko]

18 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

Yes I know, but the reason I think he is being a jerk is because it was HIM to ask me to tell him when I am next available.

 

I understand where you're coming from,  yes he's being a jerk - but basically this is just some guy that you tried dating and it didn't turn out to go anywhere.   If you want to give him a lecture, go ahead, but I think that you're much better off just closing that door and moving on.  It's healthier for you.  He is nothing to you,  your lives barely intersected, and frankly he doesn't care a bit what you think about how he acted or else he would not have done it.  

Practice letting go of meaningless noise in your life.  

Edited October 15, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[poppyfields]

I agree with you @Msblueeyez it makes no sense that he would tell you to let him know when you're free, say No that time doesn't work for him, but not suggest another time?

Three times you did this!

I think next time a man tells you this, let him know once, if he rejects and doesn't offer another time, let it go. 

8 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I met guy before last summer, we went on a few dates and seemed to get along fine. 

At that time he complained I never say anything and has to be always him to contact me and arrange the dates. 

The bolded reads like he's harboring some sort of resentment from what went down last summer, which may have a bearing on his actions now.

But who knows, best to forget it and delete him. 

Edited October 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Msblueeyez]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Agree with Wiseman and Glows, any reaction from you (annoyance, frustration even confusion) gives him power over you and he knows it. . 

Indifference is best. 

NO reaction, simply block and delete.  Next.  

It took me awhile to learn this, learned the hard way.  And it does take strength and self-discipline.

Because wanting to react, needing to react is a very human thing. 

But it serves no good purpose, it gives the other person agency over you knowing they "got to you."

Ignore and delete.

 

 

 

 

But me blocking and deleting doesn’t also communicates to him that his actions hurt me?

[Beachead]

 

@Msblueeyez

Nice work hearing his complaint out and trying to do better.  Most people today would probably let their ego get in the way and move on at that point.  You took it and gave it a fair chance and gave him the benefit of the doubt.  

I think your annoyances are justified.  This guy told you to let him know when you were available.  You did that.  It didn't work for him so you offered Saturday which was a nice thing to do. It didn't work for him either.  By this point he should have offered up an alternative date but he didn't.  If he wasn't interested, the respectful thing to do would have been to be truthful, instead of wasting your time, making you jump hoops to schedule a date.

8 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

But I feel this urge to say something to him, to be honest and tell him that he was the one asking me to tell him when I am free, I was trying to do different and be more proactive than before but he’s been rejecting me so he won’t hear from me again. At least I have more courage than him to tell the truth.

I used to have the urge to do this with women who'd do this to me and their responses made me regret it.  At best, you'll get something that'll make you feel worse.  Then you'll feel you'd want to respond to that and it just spirals downhill. He knows he's treating in you a manner they wouldn't be okay with.    Don't waste your time trying to teach people things they should already know.

My advice is block, delete and move on.   Being hurt by something isn't weak.  It's human.  Who cares what he thinks about it. 

Edited October 15, 2022 by Beachead

[NuevoYorko]

21 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

But me blocking and deleting doesn’t also communicates to him that his actions hurt me?

No.  He is not deserving of any more of your energy.   Communicating to him is giving him energy and even, some would say, power.  Obviously you are still very invested in him and what he thinks or else you wouldn't even be considering this, right?  He is not worth it.

And, sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care if you are hurt.   If he did he would not have handled things this way.   

Many people, when they lose interest, just disappear.   I'm not defending it but it's part of the unpleasant side of dating.  

If you do block and delete him, there is a slim chance that some day he will try to contact you because he already probably thinks you are readily available to him (since you tried, appropriately enough, to participate in making plans with him).   He will get the message that he's been dismissed.  That's a lot more powerful than knowing that he hurt your feelings when he obviously does not care at all.

For your future reference: 

He probably already had lost interest in you by the time you two stopped talking, after he made his complaint to you.  It's likely he thought he'd give it a try but there was not enough there to go anywhere.  You said you "got along fine."  That's not grounds to continue dating.  

You behaved passively and I imagine there was just not much to hold onto.  Also, on your side, you have said not one word about the guy, why you are so into him, nothing.  Just, you "got along fine."   So ... forget him.  Next time you meet a man who really captures your interest, make sure he knows it.  This is a learning experience for you, or it has the potential to be.

Edited October 15, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Msblueeyez]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

No.  He is not deserving of any more of your energy.   Communicating to him is giving him energy and even, some would say, power.  Obviously you are still very invested in him and what he thinks or else you wouldn't even be considering this, right?  He is not worth it.

And, sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care if you are hurt.   If he did he would not have handled things this way.   

Many people, when they lose interest, just disappear.   I'm not defending it but it's part of the unpleasant side of dating.  

If you do block and delete him, there is a slim chance that some day he will try to contact you because he already probably thinks you are readily available to him (since you tried, appropriately enough, to participate in making plans with him).   He will get the message that he's been dismissed.  That's a lot more powerful than knowing that he hurt your feelings when he obviously does not care at all.

For your future reference: 

He probably already had lost interest in you by the time you two stopped talking, after he made his complaint to you.  It's likely he thought he'd give it a try but there was not enough there to go anywhere.  You said you "got along fine."  That's not grounds to continue dating.  

You behaved passively and I imagine there was just not much to hold onto.  Also, on your side, you have said not one word about the guy, why you are so into him, nothing.  Just, you "got along fine."   So ... forget him.  Next time you meet a man who really captures your interest, make sure he knows it.  This is a learning experience for you, or it has the potential to be.

Yes blocking and deleting communicates he is dismissed. I don’t want to leave any door open this time because he is hurting me and he doesn’t care about that or if he loses me. So I am stopping caring about him too.

[NuevoYorko]

Just now, Msblueeyez said:

Yes blocking and deleting communicates he is dismissed. I don’t want to leave any door open this time because he is hurting me and he doesn’t care about that or if he loses me. So I am stopping caring about him too.

Do you think you can stop giving him so much power?  You are using language that would be fitting for a real breakup.   He isn't "losing" you - you casually dated a few times and "got along fine."  

I think your ego is bruised, and that's completely understandable,  but your choice to give him so much power over your feelings is not healthy under the circumstances.  

As I said, when single people are in dating mode, there are probably more times than not when things go nowhere and the way it ends is basically just somebody dropping  out of communication.  You need to be able to deal with this if you are dating. 

[Msblueeyez]

46 minutes ago, Beachead said:

 

@Msblueeyez

Nice work hearing his complaint out and trying to do better.  Most people today would probably let their ego get in the way and move on at that point.  You took it and gave it a fair chance and gave him the benefit of the doubt.  

I think your annoyances are justified.  This guy told you to let him know when you were available.  You did that.  It didn't work for him so you offered Saturday which was a nice thing to do. It didn't work for him either.  By this point he should have offered up an alternative date but he didn't.  If he wasn't interested, the respectful thing to do would have been to be truthful, instead of wasting your time, making you jump hoops to schedule a date.

I used to have the urge to do this with women who'd do this to me and their responses made me regret it.  At best, you'll get something that'll make you feel worse.  Then you'll feel you'd want to respond to that and it just spirals downhill. He knows he's treating in you a manner they wouldn't be okay with.    Don't waste your time trying to teach people things they should already know.

My advice is block, delete and move on.   Being hurt by something isn't weak.  It's human.  Who cares what he thinks about it. 

I think his behaviour now shows a lot of who he is that I haven’t seen before, and how he treats people.

I want a man who is a gentleman and respects women in general. This is the behaviour of a 20 year old immature kid, not a man. And he just doesn’t care. 

So one can imagine how a relationship with him would be. I am out.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[poppyfields]

46 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

But me blocking and deleting doesn’t also communicates to him that his actions hurt me?

I don't know, he might but who cares?  Right?

Many people including myself use(d) the block feature simply to avoid having to endure reading any more of their texts, it was a huge PITA sometimes, lol.

Same with delete. 

Didn't care what the guy thought. 

And on second thought, if you want to tell him off, for YOU, because it would make you feel better versus wanting to teach HIM some sort of lesson, then go for it. 

OR

Simply ignore, move on, next, which is what I recommend.

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Msblueeyez]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you think you can stop giving him so much power?  You are using language that would be fitting for a real breakup.   He isn't "losing" you - you casually dated a few times and "got along fine."  

I think your ego is bruised, and that's completely understandable,  but your choice to give him so much power over your feelings is not healthy under the circumstances.  

As I said, when single people are in dating mode, there are probably more times than not when things go nowhere and the way it ends is basically just somebody dropping  out of communication.  You need to be able to deal with this if you are dating. 

I understand but no I don’t deal with things that way. I like to live in integrity and respect other people.

If I am not interested in a guy anymore, I tell him. Last week I went on a first date with a guy  and I didn’t like his behaviour (I have another thread about it) and I told him about that before moving on, I didn’t just disappear. I am not an immature girl to do that. 

But I also understand other people might not be like that and dating is to find out how people are.

I guess the reason why I am feeling like this so much is because we were intimate in our last date.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

I guess the reason why I am feeling like this so much is because we were intimate in our last date.

Ok, that explains why it stings more that he's being a jerk. You shared more than just a cup of coffee so there's more hurt in this scenario. However yes delete and block.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Msblueeyez]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, that explains why it stings more that he's being a jerk. You shared more than just a cup of coffee so there's more hurt in this scenario. However yes delete and block.

Yes there is. And that is why I feel he is being a jerk. 

Edited October 15, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Msblueeyez]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't know, he might but who cares?  Right?

Many people including myself use(d) the block feature simply to avoid having to endure reading any more of their texts, it was a huge PITA sometimes, lol.

Same with delete. 

Didn't care what the guy thought. 

And on second thought, if you want to tell him off, for YOU, because it would make you feel better versus teaching HIM some sort of lesson, then go for it. 

OR

Simply ignore, move on, next.

 

I didn’t mention on my original post but we were intimate on our last date. And that is why I am feeling things like this and hurt.

If I say something to him is not to have an argument or to teach him any lesson, is just for me to get things out of my chest and move on knowing I spoke my truth.

I don’t even intend to let him reply. I just tell him what I need and then block and delete.

[Beachead]

@Msblueeyez

11 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I think his behaviour now shows a lot of who he is that I haven’t seen before, and how he treats people.

I want a man who is a gentleman and respects women in general. This is the behaviour of a 20 year old immature kid, not a man. And he just doesn’t care. 

So one can imagine how a relationship with him would be. I am out.

That's the way I would look at it, although I know it sucks. 

The things I've been through with people..brutal.  Absolutely brutal.  And it can sadden you into a bedridden state.

So make sure you take care of yourself.  Sleep well.  Eat right. Exercise.  Spend time with people who are genuine.  Ensure you are working in a place that treats you well.  Volunteer in a cause you believe in.  Do things you enjoy and are passionate for.    It'll keep your energy up which will help you absorb this kind of bs that comes with dating.

- Beach

Edited October 15, 2022 by Beachead

[Msblueeyez]

57 minutes ago, Beachead said:

 

@Msblueeyez

Nice work hearing his complaint out and trying to do better.  Most people today would probably let their ego get in the way and move on at that point.  You took it and gave it a fair chance and gave him the benefit of the doubt.  

I think your annoyances are justified.  This guy told you to let him know when you were available.  You did that.  It didn't work for him so you offered Saturday which was a nice thing to do. It didn't work for him either.  By this point he should have offered up an alternative date but he didn't.  If he wasn't interested, the respectful thing to do would have been to be truthful, instead of wasting your time, making you jump hoops to schedule a date.

I used to have the urge to do this with women who'd do this to me and their responses made me regret it.  At best, you'll get something that'll make you feel worse.  Then you'll feel you'd want to respond to that and it just spirals downhill. He knows he's treating in you a manner they wouldn't be okay with.    Don't waste your time trying to teach people things they should already know.

My advice is block, delete and move on.   Being hurt by something isn't weak.  It's human.  Who cares what he thinks about it. 

If I tell him how I feel, is not for him but for me. And I don’t intend to let him respond. I just want to tell him how I feel and then block and delete.