yogathenwine Posted October 19, 2022 Posted October 19, 2022 1 hour ago, tangytom said: She told me herself. I’m sorry TT, I know the pain your having, my ex MM went through the same as you and I saw the struggles he went through wanting us to be together but didn’t want to hurt his very large family, I never asked him to leave, I didn’t want that for him. I knew it was a dead end and I needed to end the 2 1/2 year affair. I couldn’t see him causing all that pain, he had grown kids and several grandkid’s. I still hurt over him, we had beautiful memories together, sometimes people just have that connection and fall in love, it can happen to anyone, I never thought or expected to get into such a situation but I did, I will probably never get over him, I think about him every day and miss him I’m sure she feels the same about you, she just couldn’t handle the pain anymore like myself and wants a healthy relationship.
notmyfinestmoment Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 Thank you for sharing your story. It's not easy to look for advice on this topic, especially in this forum where it is loaded with people who have never been in your position and are quick to offer opinion/judgement. Treat it is a "cafeteria" where you can take what you need to help you get past this storm of feelings. I had a similar experience to yours, only as the OW. Never thought I would be in that situation and neither did he. But once those feelings are shared and that first kiss happens, the rabbit hole opens and it is a long way down as the feelings grow deeper and deeper. Equally, it is a LONG way to climb out of it. My exMM had the same struggle as you...could not bring himself to rip his family apart as much as he though he could. And I didn't want that for him either (same story as @yogathenwine). I saw what the future would be and I bowed out to let him work on his family. We have bee NC for two years. I have since moved on and found an amazing man. I would be lying if I said I never thought of him. There are plenty of triggers out there (songs, places, etc.), but it is like that with any person you loved I suppose.....you never forget them. The only advice I can give you is in the future know your limitations and avoid triggers. Any contact (including looking them up on social media) will be a big setback in moving forward. I don't entertain any of that because I don't want to know. I know you are hurting now and it may sting for a bit, but you will move past this with having the knowledge that it hurts to much to have contact in any form. That is the lesson I learned. I'm sorry you are going through this.....I know how heartbreaking it is. 2
yogathenwine Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 1 hour ago, notmyfinestmoment said: Thank you for sharing your story. It's not easy to look for advice on this topic, especially in this forum where it is loaded with people who have never been in your position and are quick to offer opinion/judgement. Treat it is a "cafeteria" where you can take what you need to help you get past this storm of feelings. I had a similar experience to yours, only as the OW. Never thought I would be in that situation and neither did he. But once those feelings are shared and that first kiss happens, the rabbit hole opens and it is a long way down as the feelings grow deeper and deeper. Equally, it is a LONG way to climb out of it. My exMM had the same struggle as you...could not bring himself to rip his family apart as much as he though he could. And I didn't want that for him either (same story as @yogathenwine). I saw what the future would be and I bowed out to let him work on his family. We have bee NC for two years. I have since moved on and found an amazing man. I would be lying if I said I never thought of him. There are plenty of triggers out there (songs, places, etc.), but it is like that with any person you loved I suppose.....you never forget them. The only advice I can give you is in the future know your limitations and avoid triggers. Any contact (including looking them up on social media) will be a big setback in moving forward. I don't entertain any of that because I don't want to know. I know you are hurting now and it may sting for a bit, but you will move past this with having the knowledge that it hurts to much to have contact in any form. That is the lesson I learned. I'm sorry you are going through this.....I know how heartbreaking it is. Thank you for your post, I too do not ever want to go back to the pain I endured over the last 2 1/2 years, also for exMM, I’m so glad I have climbed out of that rabbit hole and the fog has cleared. You have excellent advice, you are an inspiration and so many of us here come for help need to hear your story. I’m so happy for you to hear your happy ending and congratulations to you and your family 1
Will am I Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 2 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said: The only advice I can give you is in the future know your limitations and avoid triggers. This is excellent advice. Understanding what made you vulnerable to fall into infidelity is key. Some of that may be fixed, possibly through therapy or couples counseling if you’re in an ongoing relationship and your partner wants to cooperate. Realistically, not everything that caused you to be vulnerable will be fixed. Some of it is in your nature or your bonding style which is developed quite early on. So recognizing and avoiding triggers is also a big part of the solution. Finally, if you had real feelings for your ex AP, accept that these feelings will fade but not die. And that it’s ok. I still think “my” xOW is an amazing young lady, I’m impressed with her academic achievements and with how she’s recovering after facing some nasty things earlier in life. And I think the guy she will eventually settle with may consider himself lucky to have found such a lovely and playful partner. I have accepted these feelings, but they won’t ever get me to break NC.
Birdies Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 Hi Tom, I can relate as I was in a similar position (although without kids, which I know changes everything). Especially after such a long affair, you very well may be truly in love with your AP and she in love with you. I know this because my former MM and I are now very happily married after our affair blew up. It was a horrible experience for everyone, especially for our spouses of course, and I deeply regret hurting them. That said, we have a truly happy and loving marriage. Since you have decided (wisely, I think) that you aren't willing to uproot your family's lives for your affair, now you just need to crack down and deal with getting over OW. It's a very painful process.... I tried several times. But it can't get better until you start. ou need to: Establish and keep No Contact. EVERY contact, or even looking at her social media or dating sites or whatever, sets you back to square one. Block her number and email, block her social media, and just accept that she is gone. Get into individual counseling. It sounds like you have extra time on your hands. Use that to dig deep into why you allowed yourself to do something so hurtful to your wife and kids. Read some books. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" would be good, because you could implement some of the healing techniques even if you don't tell your wife about it. Your marriage needs healing either way. Consider telling your wife. Now I completely understand why you wouldn't.... there was absolutely 0% chance that I would have ever confessed. But remember that other people know, and your secret is never safe. It's much better to tell her yourself, than to have it exposed. It's also the kindest thing to do, to allow her to have some agency over her own life. But again, I get how hard that is to contemplate. Fake it til you make it. This sh*t sucks, but don't be so disrespectful to your wife and kids as to mope around over your OW and make their home life unpleasant with your bad mood. Slap on a smile and pretend to be happy, and sooner or later you will get there. Good luck to you 2
notmyfinestmoment Posted October 21, 2022 Posted October 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Birdies said: Hi Tom, I can relate as I was in a similar position (although without kids, which I know changes everything). Especially after such a long affair, you very well may be truly in love with your AP and she in love with you. I know this because my former MM and I are now very happily married after our affair blew up. It was a horrible experience for everyone, especially for our spouses of course, and I deeply regret hurting them. That said, we have a truly happy and loving marriage. Since you have decided (wisely, I think) that you aren't willing to uproot your family's lives for your affair, now you just need to crack down and deal with getting over OW. It's a very painful process.... I tried several times. But it can't get better until you start. ou need to: Establish and keep No Contact. EVERY contact, or even looking at her social media or dating sites or whatever, sets you back to square one. Block her number and email, block her social media, and just accept that she is gone. Get into individual counseling. It sounds like you have extra time on your hands. Use that to dig deep into why you allowed yourself to do something so hurtful to your wife and kids. Read some books. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" would be good, because you could implement some of the healing techniques even if you don't tell your wife about it. Your marriage needs healing either way. Consider telling your wife. Now I completely understand why you wouldn't.... there was absolutely 0% chance that I would have ever confessed. But remember that other people know, and your secret is never safe. It's much better to tell her yourself, than to have it exposed. It's also the kindest thing to do, to allow her to have some agency over her own life. But again, I get how hard that is to contemplate. Fake it til you make it. This sh*t sucks, but don't be so disrespectful to your wife and kids as to mope around over your OW and make their home life unpleasant with your bad mood. Slap on a smile and pretend to be happy, and sooner or later you will get there. Good luck to you All solid points @Birdies !!!! The whole process of forgetting someone you love deeply, not because you don't want to be together, but because it would cause too much damage to everyone involved, does indeed suck! It's a process for sure and I think everything you have mentioned is what has to happen to move forward. @tangytom don't beat yourself up. You know now that it is just too hard to stay in touch. My xMM and I made the same mistake. As soon as we heard each other's voice, even though it had been months, the yearning to start talking again was brutal. BUT, in that last conversation is when we agreed we couldn't talk anymore and that it was the only way if we wanted to move on. It brought me back to square one in healing. That was two years ago. I know you don't want to let her go. She didn't want to let you go either, but to keep your family together it is what has to happen. 1
Author tangytom Posted October 22, 2022 Author Posted October 22, 2022 To notmyfinestmoment, Birdies, Will am I and yogathenwine thank you for sharing yours stories, experience and advice. You have all given me hope that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) the pain will ease. I have so much to be grateful for in my life and in the cold light of day I’m mortified that I put myself in a position that I could have jeapordised everything. I am trying to appreciate these things rather than taking them for granted. 1
notmyfinestmoment Posted October 22, 2022 Posted October 22, 2022 Him looking back and being mortified at jeopardizing everything is one of the main reasons I got off the hamster wheel when my xMM could not follow through when he would say he was going to leave (i never asked him to, he would come to that conclusion on his own, same as you). There was so much at stake. I SO worried about him having regret. If he was going to end his marriage, it had to rise or fall on it’s own and not because I was a safe place to land. He thought a lot like you. At one point, he said “I didn’t know I was capable of this” (ie having an affair). He was married 15 years at the time. I hope he has found a way to fix what was broken in his marriage and is happy. I hope the same for you too! 1
Will am I Posted October 22, 2022 Posted October 22, 2022 12 hours ago, tangytom said: I have so much to be grateful for in my life and in the cold light of day I’m mortified that I put myself in a position that I could have jeapordised everything. I am trying to appreciate these things rather than taking them for granted. That’s a good mentality. Being appreciative of the things you have instead of taking them for granted and be constantly on the lookout for the next thing. About jeopardizing: this may sound a little counterintuitive. In order to make progress in my marriage, I needed to ditch the fear of divorce first. Essentially fear is a force that holds people captive. Fear of major life changes can be an influence that always prefers “small steps”. Yielding to the attention of someone outside the marriage is a smaller step than sitting down with your spouse and having an honest conversation. 1
pepperbird2 Posted November 3, 2022 Posted November 3, 2022 On 10/14/2022 at 1:10 PM, poppyfields said: Good question and why I put "in love" in quotes. Even in new relationships, it's that intense chemistry we feel which is powerful, no question. It eventually fades and gets replaced with a deeper connection, not quite as intense but beautiful nevertheless. In affairs, that "in love" feeling never fades for the reasons stated in above quote. In a long term relationship or marriage, those early intense feelings can be recaptured bringing new life and passion to an otherwise mundane and lifeless marriage. If those intense feelings were never there, then obviously nothing can be recaptured and they're left with a dull lifeless marriage. That's all I meant. As I said, my dad married his AP and was the happiest he'd ever been. He never cheated on her and loved her deeply. She was his "person" as they say and vice versa. And I was happy for him. I would even go so far as to say people need to divest themselves of the notion that a marriage that isn’t all sunshine and rainbows is somehow flawed. 2
pepperbird2 Posted November 10, 2022 Posted November 10, 2022 On 11/3/2022 at 3:43 PM, S2B said: Why don’t you do individual therapy for yourself to gain some idea about why you cheat and try and learn how to have integrity? if you won’t, you should tell your wife what is real - because if you don’t fix what’s broken about yourself…you’re sure to cheat again - when you want that ego boost again. This makes a lot of sense. OP, you didn’t cheat because of your wife. You cheated because something in you allowed yourself to do it. You can’t control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it. Perhaps figuring out what it is in you that made it okay for you to ask others to assume the risk for your behaviour…without them even knowing it, no less, would be a good start. 3
AmyO90 Posted November 28, 2022 Posted November 28, 2022 On 10/14/2022 at 1:48 PM, tangytom said: No, she has no clue. Yes. Yes she does she would have 100% caught the off vibes, you're her husband she will know you better than you may think! I think you need to be honest with her and get some professional help - so that you have people to talk to and shows you're willing to move on and focus on your marriage!
pepperbird2 Posted November 29, 2022 Posted November 29, 2022 On 10/15/2022 at 2:37 PM, tangytom said: Having encountered a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 3.5 years or so both during the affair and post affair there is more to it than boredom, I wish it was as simple as boredom. Be it limerance or true love, I had/have genuine feelings for OW. I'm not so sure about that. What you had feelings for is what she allowed you to see. You never got to see all of her.
Poppy47 Posted November 30, 2022 Posted November 30, 2022 On 10/16/2022 at 4:43 AM, BaileyB said: I was being somewhat fasciitis but only because there are SO MANY women who come on this site citing the fact that that the affection their affair partner shows them must mean that the marriage is bad and that they intend to leave. You are proof positive that a man can be content in his marriage with no intention to leave AND still engage in all the behaviors that the OW are usually only to quick to take as fact that ‘he doesn’t love her, he loves me more than one day he will leave and we will be together…’ As was said above, and I said it in my first post, many people work shifts and have time on their hands and very few cheat on their spouses. Your job now is to figure out what led YOU to make this decision. And while you may be content in your marriage, it’s time to really take stock and see where you both stand because your affair may well be a harbinger that something is missing - through no fault of your own or your spouse. No fault, prior to the affair as now there is a crack right through the centre of your foundation that you created, or which your spouse many have some idea but no real knowledge. I agree... the problem is with Tom. for some reason he cannot spend time happily alone.
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