Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Hi my husband wants an open marriage. He says he will be here and support the girls and I 90% of the time. I found out he is on an expensive trip with the woman he now says he is in love with. He had told he was going alone. Here’s the point that complicates things further — I have stage four cancer. I will not be able to move on and will need support— both financially and emotionally. I have two young children. I will need the medical benefits as well. But this is torture. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 He has told our kids he’s in love with another woman but nothing will change — he will live in our house and be there for them. I am so hurt and disgusted. The kids are “ok” with things because they say it’s no different to them. This breaks my heart to know what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 As I sit here literally fighting for my family and life, he’s in Europe spending our money with her… fancy hotels and all. My medication is not affordable without his benefits.($10,000 per month). He even tells me how wonderful their sex life is. Disgusting. So hurtful and painful. I know he’s traumatized from the cancer (it’s been a long ten years of it…) but this is too much. Other than my children, it makes me want to quit fighting. I’m so hurt, heartbroken, disgusted and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Oh Sally I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and we are here to talk to, get advice and hopefully offer some support to help you. How long has your husband been in this affair? Is the OW married also and does she know that you know about her and what your condition is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 (edited) Yes she knows about my health and she knows I know about her now. This has been going on for many months now. She is in a broken marriage and they are splitting. Thanks for your support. Edited October 14, 2022 by Sally smith Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 By telling you and his kids it somehow legitimizes the affair in his eyes and in the eyes of the Other Woman. It’s faulty logic and selfish, perhaps extraordinarily naive as well on her part. “If his wife knows about me, it must be ok.” Do you have family close by? As painful as this is accept that the marriage is over. This is a marriage only of convenience and for financial support. Tell him directly you don’t need details about what he does with her. Do you attend counselling as a cancer patient? Please see if you have access to counselling and therapy services. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 I do have family close by and they know something is up. I have had some counseling but it doesn’t help the awful pain and heartache. I always thought he would be with me for the end of my days. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Sally smith said: I do have family close by and they know something is up. I have had some counseling but it doesn’t help the awful pain and heartache. I always thought he would be with me for the end of my days. He is, in a warped or twisted way, on his terms. He justifies his support by paying for your meds and medical needs, and supporting his children while you don’t have to or worry about having to. He also justifies his affair by announcing it and dragging the children into it, normalizing his actions when they seem anything but normal or ok to you, the spouse. He has everything but divorced you and he won’t do that because you need his financial support. I’d consider this marriage completely over, emotionally, mentally. Heal and give yourself a chance to enjoy your remaining time. Stage 4 isn’t yet the end. Are you still physically mobile or able to move? See your family or have them over. He’s gone. I would not consider him any kind of emotional support. My heart goes out to you but don’t let this break you. Edited October 14, 2022 by glows 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally smith Posted October 14, 2022 Author Share Posted October 14, 2022 Yes I am mobile and aside from my Diagnosis and medications, appear somewhat healthy Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 Keep posting if it helps. Try reading around other threads and the forum if you find any of it helpful or interesting. If you’re mobile spend every single moment enjoying your life. Be with your close friends and loved ones instead of opening yourself up to someone who doesn’t want to be with you or says brainless things about his sex life with another woman. He’s an ex now. The focus is on your quality of life, not him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 From what I understand, men leaving their wives when the wife has a very bad diagnoses is, unfortunately, far from unheard of - there has been research on this and you can look it up online. This seems to be a case of not fully leaving, but instead "branching out". Did he start the affair before he found out about your diagnosis? It's certainly an unfortunate situation to be on both counts. 🙁 Watch out for your own best interests, particularly if he attempts to divorce you. Don't sign anything under duress or "just to be rid of him" without taking your needs into account. Quote A cancer diagnosis can strain any relationship. But when a woman gets news of a life-threatening illness, her husband is six times more likely to leave her than if the tables were turned and the man got the bad news, according to new research. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 This is cheating, not an "open marriage". A genuine open marriage requires the spouse's consent before anything has developed with anyone else, not after. He's just using the term as an excuse for infidelity. What a horrible situation for you. If you do divorce, wouldn't he be liable to pay you spousal support? Can you afford your treatment on that? Please don't waste another minute of your life on this sorry turd. Spend it with people who care about you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 If you decide to look into divorce, you may be able to stay on his insurance. A lawyer can advise you on this, as so much depends on where you live as well as specific situations. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2022 Share Posted October 16, 2022 (edited) When I was young, my best friend’s father did this. Her mother was in hospital, she was home alone (or at our house), while her father was spending nights with his new girlfriend. He clearly couldn’t cope, but it was a disgraceful thing to do. He was a negligent parent and a terrible husband. I’m so very sorry that you are having to experience this. Is there any way that you can stay married to keep your benefits but move yourself and your children to your family? Your children will need the support as much as you do. You should all be in counselling - both yourself and your children. I’m so sorry Sally. And no, I would not call this an open marriage. In an open marriage, both partners agree to open the marriage. He is not doing this with your consent. Edited October 16, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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