Sexless Marriage for 5 years now.

[basil67]

Just now, Soxfaninfl said:

???? I haven’t really changed.

But other people can change how they view things.   

[mark clemson]

I think he's saying that "he's not all that" and neither is she, but it shouldn't matter, and doesn't to him. My read FWIW.

[AngryGromit]

19 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

Yeah I’m miserable! I just want to scream right now. I’m not in a good place right now mentally. I really need to see a counselor. I just don’t want to tell her and ruin her Christmas.

I had a similar situation, her sex drive was so low, i was lucky I got sex once every two weeks. I eventually decided that my happiness was more important than her's so I divorced her.  If she wants you to stay, I would tell her she needs to put out some effort, even it's an inconvenience for her, what about mind blowing Blow jobs?  

[Els]

21 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

If you were healthy and went 6 years without sex you’d be miserable.

His point, clearly, is that his wife was healthy and yet she went 6 years without sex... because she vowed to stay with him in sickness and in health. I'm just... really perplexed as to how you can miss that point. Do you actually believe that women have sexual desires of their own, and aren't just there to serve yours? Based on your responses, I'm not so sure anymore.

Quote

Today is not a good day. I just want to scream! I need to see a counselor soon.

Yes, you do. It has been over a month since you said this earlier in the thread. What is stopping you?

If you want to leave, then leave. You are a free person, nobody can stop you. You can get a divorce and then date other people. Or you can see a counselor and figure out how to handle your mental state.

But seriously, you need to do SOMEthing. Otherwise you are going to end up doing something that you will really, really regret in the near future.

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

What sort of a man wants sex form his wife knowing she's in pain? This isn't about inconvenience.

Right, or even just not into it for whatever reason. When I look back, the only sex I regret were a few times when the woman was submitting but not actually engaging. If OP's wife has no drive or desire, then talking (or coercing) her into doing something for his benefit only shouldn't even be a consideration. It's a bad idea from any perspective, and it's not going to give him the fulfillment he needs either.

 

7 hours ago, Elswyth said:

If you want to leave, then leave. You are a free person, nobody can stop you. You can get a divorce and then date other people.

Or date other women without leaving perhaps, and without going behind her back. Of course OP has to make his own decisions based on what he believes is acceptable and what he needs... but if I were in his situation I'd be inclined to lovingly explain to the wife that this celibacy thing cannot continue, and that I do not want a divorce. Something has to change. And that change would be for him to take a mistress. Hopefully not a professional sex worker, but someone willing to have an honest and real sexual relationship.

This is a compromise that has been made in a huge number of marriages over time. In Victorian England, for example, it was common for men of higher social station to take mistresses after the wives went through menopause, the assumption being that she was no longer interested. This was sort of a don't ask, don't tell situation; the men were careful not to humiliate the wife publicly, and the wives sort of went along with it (often gladly as I understand it) as long as he remained devoted to his family otherwise. 

Contrary to what we see on internet forums, most things in life are not black and white, but many shades of gray. This would solve or largely mitigate everyone's issues in OP's situation as long as it's [mostly] consensual. And even if she prefers that he just watch porn and wank, as long as she doesn't go nuclear it might still be the one compromise that keeps them together.

[Els]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

Or date other women without leaving perhaps, and without going behind her back. Of course OP has to make his own decisions based on what he believes is acceptable and what he needs... but if I were in his situation I'd be inclined to lovingly explain to the wife that this celibacy thing cannot continue, and that I do not want a divorce. Something has to change. And that change would be for him to take a mistress.

Sure, that's called asking for an open relationship. The modern/ethical way to do it is to open up the relationship on both sides - so she can also meet her needs (not necessarily sexual) by seeing other men, and he can meet his needs by seeing other women.

It's possible and some couples do successfully do it, but considering that both the OP and his wife are apparently staunch Christians, I dunno if how this suggestion will go down.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/1/2022 at 3:42 PM, Soxfaninfl said:

. I’m 5’6 and weight 200 pounds. Most of it is muscle but I need to reduce my gut still. 

This is a good place to start. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.

Start on a fitness and nutrition plan to improve your health. A BMI of over 32 can start causing health problems.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. This way you can get ongoing support in a private and confidential setting.

Both physical and mental health issues can affect both of you. As far as libido, physical capability and so on.

Start with yourself. If she wants to improve her health, that's her call, but it's a win-win for you in the sense that it improves your life whether you stay or go.

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by Wiseman2