Should I give this guy a chance and a second date?

[Msblueeyez]

I met this guy on Bumble, we chated for a few days and then he asked me on a coffee date.

He works in a company near where I live, so we agreed to meet at a coffee shop in the morning before lunch. 

So we agreed to meet at 11am and at 10:55am he sends me a message saying he is about to leave the office. It takes him about 2 minutes to get there.

I waited for him and it was already 11:15h and he hasn’t arrived. I was getting annoyed and was about to leave when he arrived.

He said his boss was at the office today and was asking him questions and so he arrived late. He also said he told his boss he was going out to go to the supermarket to buy a few things.

So the whole time there he was nervous about getting caught by his boss and then after a while his boss sends him messages asking where he is, and he rushed back to the office.

Then he sent me a message apologizing and saying that next time we’ll have more time to talk.

I told him I didn’t like what he did, leaving me waiting, not focusing on the date and then endind the date abruptly and rushing back.

I found the whole thing very childish. If he couldn’t go it would have been better to text me hey can we reschedule, or even better, invite me to lunch so we could meet during his lunch break and in a calm way.

I found all that disrespectful and also I didn’t like he lying to his boss because I value integrity and he looked like a 12 year old lying to his parents and afraid to be caught. He is a 48 year old man!

Then he texted me again today and wants to continue talking to me, and I am deciding if I should give him another chance or is this just too much.

I believe men should be concerned with giving a good first impression and I feel he just didn’t care at all.

Thank you.

Edited October 13, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[_Bunny_]

Hmm if you value intergrity  and honesty than you should not meet him again. He is an full fledged adult he should know how to schedule his appointments and time and when he can leave work. I think this will not be the last time he will do something like that.  

[stillafool]

You seem to have strict standards and more than likely this guy will make another mistake so no don't give him another chance.

[Foxhall]

I would not like or allow a boss to have that much power over me , but that is a different issue!

He could be a nice enough man this all the same, 

sure no harm in giving him a chance to redeem himself.

[Alvi]

9 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

So the whole time there he was nervous about getting caught by his boss and then after a while his boss sends him messages asking where he is, and he rushed back to the office.

What is the reason that he didn't ask you to meet him after his work hours or on the weekend? Why did he suggest to meet before the lunch but not during the actual lunchtime? Why didn't you suggest meeting at a later time so that the two of you could have more time to chat? Are you sure that this guy is actually single? Are you sure there is an "angry" boss and not his wife? Or, could it be one and the same. Sounds very sketchy that he wants to meet you during the morning work hours. He could explain your presence as  a business meeting if he gets caught. 

Hiding from his boss, that's a new one, lol. 

Anyway, let's assume that he is single.  This guy is an adult and is fully capable of arranging a date if he wants to make this up to you. You could meet him again but be very clear that more morning or afternoon meets. Tell him what time you are free during the evening or on the weekends and see if he takes a hint.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I met this guy on Bumble, we chated for a few days and then he asked me on a coffee date.

He works in a company near where I live, so we agreed to meet at a coffee shop in the morning before lunch. 

So we agreed to meet at 11am and at 10:55am he sends me a message saying he is about to leave the office. It takes him about 2 minutes to get there.

I waited for him and it was already 11:15h and he hasn’t arrived. I was getting annoyed and was about to leave when he arrived.

He said his boss was at the office today and was asking him questions and so he arrived late. He also said he told his boss he was going out to go to the supermarket to buy a few things.

So the whole time there he was nervous about getting caught by his boss and then after a while his boss sends him messages asking where he is, and he rushed back to the office.

Then he sent me a message apologizing and saying that next time we’ll have more time to talk.

I told him I didn’t like what he did, leaving me waiting, not focusing on the date and then endind the date abruptly and rushing back.

I found the whole thing very childish. If he couldn’t go it would have been better to text me hey can we reschedule, or even better, invite me to lunch so we could meet during his lunch break and in a calm way.

I found all that disrespectful and also I didn’t like he lying to his boss because I value integrity and he looked like a 12 year old lying to his parents and afraid to be caught. He is a 48 year old man!

Then he texted me again today and wants to continue talking to me, and I am deciding if I should give him another chance or is this just too much.

I believe men should be concerned with giving a good first impression and I feel he just didn’t care at all.

Thank you.

 

i would have done this over lunch instead of trying to sneak out in work.

 

he might have thought boss wasn’t going to be in so he could easily walk away from the office.  With him in, he couldn’t do this.

 

during Covid period I’d sometimes go into work to do things.  I had no idea if/ when he’d be in.

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Then he texted me again today and wants to continue talking to me....

Did he ask you out again?

At first read, it sounded like a guy who didn't find you to be his cup of tea physically and used his boss as an excuse to end the meet quickly. 

The boss may have been a friend, I know men who do that type of thing.  I actually had a man do that to me, but when the friend called, he said "it's all cool" and winked at me, and we continued on with the date.  I teased him about it because I knew exactly what was going on with that.

Had he NOT liked me, he most likely would have excused himself politely and told me he had an emergency and had to leave.

However, if this man asked you out again, preferably after work when you can spend some quality time getting to know each other, that is probably not the case here.

It still sounds pretty lame though but many people get super nervous before or during first meets so you may want to consider cutting him some slack, again assuming he asks you out again at a reasonable time.

 

Edited October 13, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

It doesn't sound like there's much to work with.  Why bother.

I do have a question:  Why did you even agree to this weird meeting?  At 11:00?  Yes, that's before lunch.  RIGHT before lunch.  Not a reasonable time to be sneaking out of the office for a "date."   What was your reasoning for not simply meeting up at lunch time?  I know someone else asked this but I'm curious. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Did he ask you out again?

At first read, it sounded like a guy who didn't find you to be his cup of tea physically and used his boss as an excuse to end the meet quickly. 

The boss may have been a friend, I know men who do that type of thing.  I actually had a man do that to me, but when the friend called, he said "it's all cool" and winked at me, and we continued on with the date.  I teased him about it because I knew exactly what was going on with that.

Had he NOT liked me, he most likely would have excused himself politely and told me he had an emergency and had to leave.

However, if this man asked you out again, preferably after work when you can spend some quality time getting to know each other, that is probably not the case here.

It still sounds pretty lame though but many people get super nervous before or during first meets so you may want to consider cutting him some slack, again assuming he asks you out again at a reasonable time.

 

Umm…..what did you do?

[glows]

I’m not sure why you both didn’t meet at lunch as opposed to before lunch. Did you have other plans later?

I agree with you that first impressions do count. Mistakes happen though so personally it wouldn’t bother me if there was chemistry and some connection there or if the conversation was flowing. It sounds like you were completely annoyed and couldn’t enjoy the date at all. Is that true?

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I would not like or allow a boss to have that much power over me , but that is a different issue!

Depends on what his work actually is. Like, let's say he is a nurse. Pretty sure that he is not allowed to leave his scheduled unit whenever he wishes. What does he do?  It depends on a workplace or the work that he does. At some places, if you are scheduled for a shift, you not allowed to leave except for your break. I remember working at the restaurants eons ago. I think that I would pretty much get fired if I ever told any of my bosses in a middle of my shift that I have to go to the supermarket, lol

1 hour ago, glows said:

Did you have other plans later?

Even if she did, they could have met during some evening, weekend or on a day off. Strange.

[poppyfields]

An 11:00 am, office break meet is alot easier to escape from than a lunch meet or dinner meet. 

Which may be why he suggested it?

I'm now back to thinking the boss excuse was just that, an excuse to end the meet early because for whatever reason you weren't his cup of tea. 

The entire thing simply makes no sense. 

PS:  Between this thread and a couple of others, I'm being quite cynical today re these on line meets. 

Apologies for that but I've been through it, I know all the tricks of the trade, even employed a few myself not proud to admit. 

Anyway, if you like him OP, hope he reschedules and it works out. 

 

 

Edited October 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Msblueeyez]

Thank you to everyone who replied.

To respond to this question, we didn’t meet for lunch simply because he didn’t invite me to. He invited me for a cofffe before lunch.

So I thought it was ok for him to leave the office. Some people have flexible working schedules and do that. 

He sent a message after apologizing and saying next time we’ll have more time to talk. I was honest and told him I didn’t like how he handled the whole thing and made me feel uncomfortable. 

He apologized again and I responded ok no worries then. He then said nothing about meeting again. 

I was expecting him to say something like let me make it up to you and asking me when I am available to lunch or dinner, but no.

Instead, he continued texting mundane stuff like he is going home to do this and that, next day saying good morning, etc. 

So I stopped responding. He doesn’t know how to behave and I have lost interest. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[glows]

I might have done the same. It was poorly thought through. Onwards.

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I was expecting him to say something like let me make it up to you and asking me when I am available to lunch or dinner, but no.

I've mentioned this before and now thinking about this I don't think his guy is actually single. Meeting romantic prospect before lunch is not usual. Why not actually meet during the lunch, duh? The evenings and weekends for that  are more common as well.  If people that he knows see the two of you together, they would assume that it is a business meeting or something similar. Don't be surprised if you find out one day that he has a wife or a long term partner. Try to replace word "boss" with the word "wife" in your first narrative. It actually makes more sense, especially if he told you that his schedule is flexible. 

Either that or he is not that interested. It's like he tried to squeeze you in into his "busy" schedule. If he was, he would totally make it up to you by taking you out again. 

In any case, this guy is not a hero of your romance novel so NEXT. 

[poppyfields]

It was a first "meet" from on line. 

Quick coffee meets are not uncommon.

If there is an interest, you schedule a lunch or dinner date. 

Upon meeting, he wasn't interested is my take.  

That's why he cut the meet short.

Replace "boss" with "friend" who texted him giving him a quick out. 

Again, just my take and what makes the most sense since it's done all the time when meeting on line. 

The outcome was predictable.  I don't think he had any intention of seeing you again, despite his texts which were totally lame. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Msblueeyez]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

It was a first "meet" from on line. 

Quick coffee meets are not uncommon.

If there is an interest, you schedule a lunch or dinner date. 

Upon meeting, he wasn't interested is my take.  

That's why he cut the meet short.

Replace "boss" with "friend" who texted him giving him a quick out. 

Again, just my take and what makes the most sense since it's done all the time when meeting on line. 

The outcome was predictable.  I don't think he had any intention of seeing you again, despite his texts which were totally lame. 

Yes most probably that was it.

I don’t understand why he kept texting me afterwards but since he made no other plans to meet me immediately after what happened, I assume he is just lame and I already deleted him.

[Alpacalia]

While I used online dating years ago, I didn't come across these quick coffee dates before, I guess that's a thing?

I was on a coffee date several months ago that lasted for over an hour. That date was scheduled in advance and not through online dating so maybe it's different. I don't know.

I would prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this seems like simply a poorly executed last-minute meeting.

[poppyfields]

For many people, it starts out as a brief coffee meet to determine physical chemistry etc; if you're clicking, you can always extend it.

In this case, my take is had there been a mutual click, it would have extended into lunch. 

Meeting on line is such a crap shoot, you never know who you're meeting even if/when you've chatted for a bit prior.

Scheduling a brief 15-30 minute meet gives people an out if the person is not their cup of tea.

It's not how everyone does on-line, but many people do. 

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 10/13/2022 at 3:35 PM, Alvi said:

 Are you sure that this guy is actually single? Are you sure there is an "angry" boss and not his wife? 

Interestingly, this thought occurred to me as well from the almost needing to sneak away to meet up.

But, who knows. He may be poor at organization or so burned out that he thinks if he does all his first meets on his coffee break, he's not wasting his time.

Either way, simply delete and block him since there's no interest.

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

So I stopped responding. He doesn’t know how to behave and I have lost interest. 

To me, this is a happy ending. That level of inconsideration and flakiness on a first date does not bode well.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

For many people, it starts out as a brief coffee meet to determine physical chemistry etc; if you're clicking, you can always extend it.

In this case, my take is had there been a mutual click, it would have extended into lunch. 

Meeting on line is such a crap shoot, you never know who you're meeting even if/when you've chatted for a bit prior.

Scheduling a brief 15-30 minute meet gives people an out if the person is not their cup of tea.

It's not how everyone does on-line, but many people do. 

 

That's true, I imagine.

It seems I'm a bit behind the times.

Suppose I need to catch up!

There's just something that sounds a bit mechanical about churning out quick coffee dates at first glance. I suppose it makes more sense with online dating nonetheless.

Perhaps he had two dates lined up on the same day and was trying to fit both in and juggle both? It makes little sense to reach out to you again if there wasn't a mutual click. That sounds like a time-wasting game.

Looks like you made the right choice, OP.

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's true, I imagine.

It seems I'm a bit behind the times.

Suppose I need to catch up!

There's just something that sounds a bit mechanical about churning out quick coffee dates at first glance. I suppose it makes more sense with online dating nonetheless.

Perhaps he had two dates lined up on the same day and was trying to fit both in and juggle both? It makes little sense to reach out to you again if there wasn't a mutual click. That sounds like a time-wasting game.

Looks like you made the right choice, OP.

I agree with you @Alpacaliaand not how I did "on line", I prefer developing a rapport and connection (a mental connection) prior to meet, which didn't happen often.

I met only a very few men, one of whom became my husband.

But I've heard people say it's a numbers game, the more people you meet, the better chances of finding your "person."

And yes, I know people who have had back-to-back meets, having brief coffee meets with several people in one day. 

I'm more a "quality over quantity" person, but we're all different and have different dating styles. 

[Walter Kronite]

On 10/13/2022 at 12:25 PM, Foxhall said:

I would not like or allow a boss to have that much power over me , but that is a different issue!

He could be a nice enough man this all the same, 

sure no harm in giving him a chance to redeem himself.

Not a normal boss should have any power over. Definitely redemption is what you should permit

[Gaeta]

He's not single, pass.

He did not invite you out for lunch for fear someone from his work would see him with another woman. 

Normal men that are interested in a woman are on their best behavior to make a good impression. This guy treated you like you were an errand he had to run between 2 meetings, pleeeeease pass!