Author glamtran Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 8 hours ago, smackie9 said: You want marriage, children, a house someday? Well I don’t want children or step children but I do want a LTR in which we could travel, have a half decent dwelling, enjoy new things around the city. Grow learn and laugh together. I suppose that’s why cut him some slack because too because he doesn’t want/have kids and in our bracket that’s very hard to find.
stillafool Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 48 minutes ago, glamtran said: Well I don’t want children or step children but I do want a LTR in which we could travel, have a half decent dwelling, enjoy new things around the city. Grow learn and laugh together. I suppose that’s why cut him some slack because too because he doesn’t want/have kids and in our bracket that’s very hard to find. Nope there are many men in their late 30s early 40s who don't want children and wouldn't have a problem with LBGQ who actually are mature and have their lives on track. You are selling yourself short trying to hold onto this guy. 3
Weezy1973 Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 (edited) Op you’re right, you shouldn’t judge him. He’s not doing anything wrong. At all. Regardless of his age. [ ] He’s fine. If hanging out with his friends makes him happy, and you love him, that means you want him to be happy. Of course he doesn’t want kids! Considering his lifestyle kids would make him miserable. [ ] Knowing yourself and whether or not he’s right for you is another matter. If this was still his lifestyle 10 years from now would that be okay with you? Don’t get into a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. Either they’re compatible now or they’re not. That’s what you should be judging. Edited October 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 (edited) Does he want the same things as you? Can he afford to travel and share the expense of a decent dwelling? Does he have other interests you two can share? Edited October 12, 2022 by smackie9 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 Don't kid yourself: dating is all about judging. It's judge from the start (do I want to talk to this person?--) to the first date, to seeing how the person treats you when you are sick, to judging whether this person has the (name it!) musical interests, intellectual interests, appreciation for rural areas/cities, a family that I can deal with, a good enough job history and on and on. You're judging compatible characteristics. You're not judging their value as a human being. You better get extremely judgmental as things go along. I can think of any number of ex girlfriends who are amazing people, wonderful people. But I judged that I couldn't have a happy relationship with them because of very specific issues and disagreements and styles and so on. Sometimes just basic attraction was missing. Now, just to be clear: judging is an ongoing process with lots of flexibility built in. One of my best friends gets constant phone calls and text messages and emails from work and she pretty much takes all of them at the moment. I could be talking life and death with her, and she's going to check that email ring. This behavior is totally against what I like. But my friend is still wonderful and she jumps back into our conversations with intensity and focus. She's available when I need to talk to someone urgently. She's funny as hell. On and on. At the end of hanging out with her or talking to her, I always feel good, no matter the interruptions. In good friendships and romance relationships partners are quite aware of the qualities and behaviors the other can't stand--and they work to minimize any bad effects on the relationship. So lose this fear of judgement. What's next: my boss is incompetent and mean and unreliable and steals from the company--but I don't want to judge him? I had better judge his behaviors or else I'm a clueless robot. 2
notbroken Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 This guy is exactly who he is right now. It is on him - not his friends. He is unlikely to change and if you force him to he will resent you for it. He wants to hang out and smoke weed with his friends regularly. Teenagers do that. Some grown men do it too. If that's what you want then continue to be him. If not, you should move on. Expect the same in 10 years from him - also 20 years. He is unlikely to ever change. He is not likely to succeed wildly with this lifestyle - professionally or personally. You'll always be second to video games and weed. 4
Els Posted October 12, 2022 Posted October 12, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, glamtran said: Well it’s kind of like a “shared” custody situation haha. He gets with them during the week normally and I get weekends with him. To be fair, I live in the city and he lives in a small town about 40 mins outside of town (where his friends live). So I think it might be a convenience/logistical thing too? I guess I should have mentioned that in the OP. and thank you everyone for the thoughts so far. This would be reasonable if those people were actually his children... it's not the same if they are just adults acting like children. Quote Well I don’t want children or step children but I do want a LTR in which we could travel, have a half decent dwelling, enjoy new things around the city. Grow learn and laugh together. I suppose that’s why cut him some slack because too because he doesn’t want/have kids and in our bracket that’s very hard to find. Anecdotally, apparently women who want children tend to outnumber men who want children, so you'd actually be at an advantage here if you two were to split up. As for you being LGBTQ+, I guess we would need more specifics in order to suggest what impact that might have on your choice of a partner. For instance, if you were bisexual I doubt that would be an issue for most men, but if you were asexual that would limit your options severely. And if you were transgender that would be somewhere in between. That being said, I think that your number of options is irrelevant - regardless of whether you have many or few options, it's not a good reason to stay with a person who is so hugely misaligned with your lifestyle preferences and maturity level. Edited October 12, 2022 by Elswyth
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2022 Posted October 13, 2022 23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Don't kid yourself: dating is all about judging. This^^^^ 100%. And why wouldn't you? This is about you, what's in your best interest, and your future. It's a no brainer. 1
Recommended Posts