What exactly does being vulnerable mean?

[its_me_123]

Hi there,

I have seen the word "vulnerable" come up in relationships, but can't seem to understand what it means, if it's a good thing? Is it basically feeling like someone can take advantage of you in a way?

Any ideas would be great!

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, its_me_123 said:

 Is it basically feeling like someone can take advantage of you in a way?

Just be yourself . Don't worry about popular therapy-speak and remember, if it's not broken, don't fix it.

[salparadise]

It means opening your heart and allowing yourself to have feelings for someone. When we love another person we give them the ability to break our heart. Being vulnerable is opening up despite knowing the risk. It's often used in the sense that you go first –– saying ILU first, or telling someone you really care for them while not having any guarantee that they will feel and express the same. This as opposed to holding back or keeping your walls up out of fear... or the inability to be vulnerable. It takes courage to love, and your ability to love is dependent on your ability to tolerate vulnerability.

People who were affirmed as young children usually don't have a problem with vulnerability, but if the parents were cold or emotionally abusive it may cause the child to become hardened. Basically, if you truly believe that you are lovable then you don't have an issue with it. If you believe you are defective somehow and live in fear of being outed as unlovable, you will not be able to be vulnerable.

Edited October 10, 2022 by salparadise

[ZA Dater]

58 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It means opening your heart and allowing yourself to have feelings for someone. When we love another person we give them the ability to break our heart. Being vulnerable is opening up despite knowing the risk. It's often used in the sense that you go first –– saying ILU first, or telling someone you really care for them while not having any guarantee that they will feel and express the same. This as opposed to holding back or keeping your walls up out of fear... or the inability to be vulnerable. It takes courage to love, and your ability to love is dependent on your ability to tolerate vulnerability.

People who were affirmed as young children usually don't have a problem with vulnerability, but if the parents were cold or emotionally abusive it may cause the child to become hardened. Basically, if you truly believe that you are lovable then you don't have an issue with it. If you believe you are defective somehow and live in fear of being outed as unlovable, you will not be able to be vulnerable.

This will be the biggest truth I read today. Thank you for this post and OP for posing a question I have long wondered.

[Alpacalia]

Argh.

Vulnerability.

Me no like-y.

In a nutshell it's like handing someone a terrible weapon to hurt you with and trusting them not to hurt you. It also does not mean divulging every detail of your life for consumption to anyone with a head.

It's about intention. 

Some that you feel are worth taking a risk for; those who you hold dear, or want to hold close to you. You open up, you let them know, you offer some of yourself and hope it will be received. Then there are those who you know, but who may not have merited your vulnerability. 

There was a podcast by Dr. Brene Brown I listened to once that I came across in an article.

Brene said:

"Those who are the most brave will be the most broken-hearted. The more you put yourself out there, the more you risk it all, the more you love, the more you want to succeed, the more you will inevitably fail. It’s what you do in those times of failure that counts."

I prefer to look at it as sometimes our inner world takes a bit of time to open up. When we feel safe, we're more honest with our inner world and deeply vulnerable. Kind of like having a good lock on a front door. It helps you differentiate between who is safe and untrustworthy. 

[smackie9]

There's a time and place for everything. Showing vulnerability is all about timing. One guy I just met, about 4 hours later things were heating up between us, all of a sudden he started pouring his heart out about his sad childhood. That killed the mood/total downer and didn't want to see him again. BUT when I'm seeing someone seriously and they tell me how much they like/care for me..that's really nice/endearing/a feeling of being desired that way.

Edited October 10, 2022 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

I think vulnerability (in a relationship context) means allowing yourself to develop a deep emotional bond with the other person. That entails that, should you break up, you will be emotionally distressed by it (hence "vulnerable").

Some people are better at and/or more interested in and able to "be vulnerable" than others. I think there can be a variety of reasons for this. Some very interesting and insightful ones were mentioned above and that is something one can explore; however, those may not be the only possible reasons for "difficulty being vulnerable".

Edited October 10, 2022 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

@salparadiseexplained it perfectly, and personally I believe if one cannot be vulnerable or rather allow themselves to be vulnerable, they will never truly love another, never truly connect with their significant other.. 

I think the key to allowing yourself to "fall" and become vulnerable is resilience.

Some people fear vulnerability because they fall so hard that should it not work out, they will never get up and always remain in the deep dark pit of despair.

But when one is resilient, they are able to love deeply and fully, and should it not work out, they KNOW they will be OK no matter what, having learned and grown from the experience, and able to love deeply again. 

I may be one of the most  resilient people out there and also the most vulnerable; I've had many many people, including men tell me this.  I embrace it. 

Very early in, they've noticed it.  Not needy, not anxious, there's a difference between those things and vulnerability.

My ability to be open and vulnerable has made it easier for them to be vulnerable.

Read Brene Brown, she has written many books on vulnerability, I've learned a lot from reading her work..

 

Edited October 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[flaxcapacitor]

As I see it being vulnerable requires four things.

Resilience, as @Poppy fields said, the ability to take rejection in your stride.

Openness, not to be stuck in your comfort zone, or (especially for men) be stuck thinking that your identity and self-worth are dependent on you not showing any emotion. For some people it's not that they fear what might happen after being vulnerable, it's just that they are part of a culture that makes a virtue out of not being vulnerable.

Self Worth, you have the expectation that you are good enough... if you have low self-worth then you will resist being vulnerable because you fear not just a polite 'no thanks' but a scathing 'how dare you think you might have a chance with me, it disgusts me to think you even consider me in that way' or the ridicule of your peers for having the gall to think someone might be interested in you.

Trust, this one is harder to have if you've been betrayed in the past, trust that someone wont use your vulnerability as a way to exploit/harm you. Not just in the person you might be asking out, but also in the other people around you who saw you being vulnerable. If you have something like PTSD then you might be triggered by becoming vulnerable because of how it was used to hurt you in the past.

 

I have the first two but not the last two.

Edited October 15, 2022 by flaxcapacitor

[mortensorchid]

Vulnerable was a pop therapist word in the 80s - it means you are capable of being hurt or secepible to being hurt.  We've replaced it with "you have issues" and that seems to be sticking.  But I digress...

We have theraposts because we need to talk about things with them.  Things we can't talk about with anyone else.  We also have social networking and the internet where we are sharing things with the world that we wouldn't have otherwise.  Life is complicated.  

It's not okay to be vulnerable or let yourself be known as weak to others.  Why?  They will take it and use it against you.  Keep yourself locked down, mysterious and hard as a rock.  That's how you roll.