max3732 Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 Just as I was getting ready for our 3rd date I get a text from her that something came up with work that she had to tend to and couldn't make it and that she was very sorry about it. I told her I understood and asked if she'd like to reschedule and haven't heard back for a few days. I understand that things happen and she might have to cancel, but why haven't I heard from her since then? Maybe just to say she would/wouldn't like to reschedule. Why would she agree to the date and then cancel with no follow up?
glows Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 Why not shoot her a quick text to ask how she’s doing and if she’d like to go out? A second try won’t hurt as she may have forgotten to follow up. What is the situation with her work? Does she work long hours or just started a new job?
Ami1uwant Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 What day was the cancel? She is probably dating others 1
Author max3732 Posted October 9, 2022 Author Posted October 9, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: Why not shoot her a quick text to ask how she’s doing and if she’d like to go out? A second try won’t hurt as she may have forgotten to follow up. What is the situation with her work? Does she work long hours or just started a new job? Well a few hours after we were supposed to have our date I asked if she'd like to try it another time and she hasn't replied in a couple days. She does work long hours and has a job where I can see she could be asked to work at the last minute. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: What day was the cancel? She is probably dating others It was on Saturday
Maldives Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 2 hours ago, max3732 said: Just as I was getting ready for our 3rd date I get a text from her that something came up with work that she had to tend to and couldn't make it and that she was very sorry about it. I told her I understood and asked if she'd like to reschedule and haven't heard back for a few days. I understand that things happen and she might have to cancel, but why haven't I heard from her since then? Maybe just to say she would/wouldn't like to reschedule. Why would she agree to the date and then cancel with no follow up? The reason is she's changed her mind for whatever reason. I would just move on from this one 3 1
glows Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 I’d let this go. She’s not interested or is too busy to fit someone new in her social/dating life (not actually prepared to date). I am sorry this happened but no one here can give you the answer why she hasn’t followed up yet since Saturday. Only she can tell you that. I suggest reading between the lines and calling it a day. 1
Alvi Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 (edited) Sadly, this is very common when it comes to early stages of dating. The work excuse seems to be very popular if a person is looking to weasel out of a date. I had so many guys come up with the lame excuses to cancel our date. I have heard it all. Too busy at work, something unexpected came up, a mysterious case of an allergy 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, ate a hamburger earlier in a day and feeling sick (later I find out that he has a GF), child is in a hospital, too lazy to get out of bed and go on a date, etc... But at least she didn't ghost or stood you up (not that it makes you feel any better). She knows how to find you if she wishes to do so. She has your phone number. She might come back to you, you never know. But don't wait for her, talk and date other people. Edited October 10, 2022 by Alvi 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 If the person who cancels doesn't follow up with a new appointment time, then generally that means they're not interested. In other words, there should be no cancellations in dating--only postponements and rescheduling. I can't do tonight, but give me two days and I'll send you times I am available. If you don't get that, they're not interested. BTW: lose this here. This is fake on your part (I've done, many of us have done it, but it's still fake): I told her I understood and asked if she'd like to reschedule and haven't heard back for a few days. The point is you do NOT understand because half of your brain thinks she's pulling away. You feel abandoned and disappointed with the last second change. Just say, "OK" and see if she proposes a new time. Drop the fake "I understand move." Now, if she tells you convincingly that her brother was in a car accident, OK, then you can do the "I understand." Otherwise, no. 6
ShyViolet Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 The fact that you texted her asking if she'd like to reschedule, and she never replied to that, shows pretty clearly that she is not interested. Do not text her again.... take the hint and leave her alone. 2
Ami1uwant Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 58 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: If the person who cancels doesn't follow up with a new appointment time, then generally that means they're not interested. In other words, there should be no cancellations in dating--only postponements and rescheduling. I can't do tonight, but give me two days and I'll send you times I am available. If you don't get that, they're not interested. BTW: lose this here. This is fake on your part (I've done, many of us have done it, but it's still fake): I told her I understood and asked if she'd like to reschedule and haven't heard back for a few days. The point is you do NOT understand because half of your brain thinks she's pulling away. You feel abandoned and disappointed with the last second change. Just say, "OK" and see if she proposes a new time. Drop the fake "I understand move." Now, if she tells you convincingly that her brother was in a car accident, OK, then you can do the "I understand." Otherwise, no. Short time cancelling for an emergency reason I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt if they didn’t say right then when they can cancelled. in this case she had dated him a couple times so this situation could be a little different. her not responding for days says this is a blow off. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 I agree with others, move on. This seems to be a pretty clear blow off. If she really had an emergency for work, she would still have all the time in the world at lunch, on a break, going to the restroom...to respond, "Yes, let's reschedule". She won't even give you 6 seconds of her time over a few days. I like to put things in perspective. Like if you took your car to a mechanic and had a scheduled time for them to work on your car and you dropped it off and they said, "Sorry, we got busy, can't work on your car right now" and you asked when they could fit it in and they stared blankly at you and didn't respond for 5 minutes, you'd leave and never go back. Here she is not even a stranger and basically did just that to you. You wouldn't accept that from a stranger, you shouldn't accept that from someone you have dated a bit. I have found if someone is interested and it's a true emergency, they'll apologize up and down and try to set a date right away, offer that they'll pay on the next date, reschedule other plans to accommodate you, etc. It's usually pretty obvious when they feel bad vs they are cancelling because they lost interest. The interest is evident if you pay attention. Not responding for days = done. 4
Beachead Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 (edited) OP, The girl blew you off unfortunately. Interested people don't behave in a manner that risks losing the person they're interested in. If she was interested in a 3rd date, she would have rescheduled with you and would have responded to your text, much sooner. She did neither. If a person cancels, it's on them to reschedule. If they don't reschedule, it's because they don't want to. You don't need to suggest it to them. Edited October 10, 2022 by Beachead 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 On 8/24/2022 at 4:08 PM, max3732 said: Met someone for lunch halfway who lives 1.5 hours away. I went for kiss and got her cheek. Driving 45 minutes+ is a bit of a commitment, which I wouldn't mind if I knew she was interested romantically. Would she agree to keep seeing me if she wasn't interested? By the 2nd date wouldn't most women be ok with a little kiss at the end? Unfortunately pursuing distance dating like this will lead to a lot of disappointments. She could have given you more notice, but the thought of all that driving time is a real disincentive for people when local dating is much easier. Also she was lukewarm at best on date 2 so sadly she should have simply said no rather than acquiesce to a date only to blow it off later. Perhaps try not to use strict extreme dating criteria so much so that your distance setting is unrealistically way to far. You'll have to lighten up on the severe criteria and try being more open minded if you plan on having successful daring experiences.
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 That really sux but you have to remember these days it's not uncommon for people to be muti dating and have other options. 1
Author max3732 Posted October 10, 2022 Author Posted October 10, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately pursuing distance dating like this will lead to a lot of disappointments. She could have given you more notice, but the thought of all that driving time is a real disincentive for people when local dating is much easier. Also she was lukewarm at best on date 2 so sadly she should have simply said no rather than acquiesce to a date only to blow it off later. Perhaps try not to use strict extreme dating criteria so much so that your distance setting is unrealistically way to far. You'll have to lighten up on the severe criteria and try being more open minded if you plan on having successful daring experiences. This one lives a little more than an hour from me and we were planning on meeting about 50 minutes from me/15 minutes from her. For some reason the women in my area don't ever reply to me and I only get a chance to meet ones 45 min +. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. There have been a bunch of other times lately where she replies to my initial message and then just stops responding. Like this one said she likes pineapple on pizza and I told her I do too and one of my favorites is the Hawaiian pizza and commented that she must know something about that since one of her pics was in Hawaii. She replied about her trip and said how cool it was I liked that pizza. Then she stopped responding to me. I have these kinds of conversations all the time. A few messages and then nothing. I tried lowering my criteria and went out with someone and regretted it since even though she liked me and seemed really nice it wouldn't work for me. Since this last one agreed to a 3rd date and said she was excited about seeing me and that she loved the place that she wouldn't blow me off.
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 11 minutes ago, max3732 said: I have these kinds of conversations all the time. A few messages and then nothing. Women may not want chat buddies, you need to suggest meeting and not try to "build rapport" through to much mundane chitchat. Confirm plans the day before. 1
Author max3732 Posted October 10, 2022 Author Posted October 10, 2022 42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Women may not want chat buddies, you need to suggest meeting and not try to "build rapport" through to much mundane chitchat. Confirm plans the day before. I've been sending 2 or 3 messages and then asking them out. One lately said something like "slow down there cowboy" and unmatched me. With the one I asked about for the 3rd date I confirmed plans the day before.
basil67 Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 7 minutes ago, max3732 said: I've been sending 2 or 3 messages and then asking them out. One lately said something like "slow down there cowboy" and unmatched me. With the one I asked about for the 3rd date I confirmed plans the day before. You know how many posters have different advice on how to do dating? Well the women you start talking with will also have a variety of reactions. Some don't want to spend loads of time talking and others don't want to feel rushed. For this reason, it's best that you do what feels right for you. You'll never please everyone. 4
Beachead Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 (edited) @max3732 1 hour ago, max3732 said: For some reason the women in my area don't ever reply to me and I only get a chance to meet ones 45 min +. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. There have been a bunch of other times lately where she replies to my initial message and then just stops responding. Like this one said she likes pineapple on pizza and I told her I do too and one of my favorites is the Hawaiian pizza and commented that she must know something about that since one of her pics was in Hawaii. She replied about her trip and said how cool it was I liked that pizza. Then she stopped responding to me. ..and she did you a favor because she basically told you she wasn't worth your time. It's not all on you OP. Perhaps in some extreme occasions, yes, it can be, but not likely, because there are a lot of factors that go into why people do what they do and most of it is usually out of your control; their past trauma, the way they grew up, their past partners, their social circle etc. You don't have any control over that so how can you own the blame entirely? All you can do is be the best you, you can be in that moment, and if that isn't enough for them, then you have to make peace with the fact that you did your best. Also, bare in mind, what one person might perceive as a fault or a flaw in you, might actually be what attracts the next person and makes them stick. You can certainly make some changes in your approach or your life, but if you do, you do it for you. Not for them. Sometimes we adopt that blame because it means we can work on getting the outcome we want..but again, it's not all on us, to make something work. They have to put the work in too. I hope that makes some sense. - Beach Edited October 10, 2022 by Beachead 1
Author max3732 Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 17 hours ago, Beachead said: @max3732 ..and she did you a favor because she basically told you she wasn't worth your time. It's not all on you OP. Perhaps in some extreme occasions, yes, it can be, but not likely, because there are a lot of factors that go into why people do what they do and most of it is usually out of your control; their past trauma, the way they grew up, their past partners, their social circle etc. You don't have any control over that so how can you own the blame entirely? All you can do is be the best you, you can be in that moment, and if that isn't enough for them, then you have to make peace with the fact that you did your best. Also, bare in mind, what one person might perceive as a fault or a flaw in you, might actually be what attracts the next person and makes them stick. You can certainly make some changes in your approach or your life, but if you do, you do it for you. Not for them. Sometimes we adopt that blame because it means we can work on getting the outcome we want..but again, it's not all on us, to make something work. They have to put the work in too. I hope that makes some sense. - Beach Yes that makes sense. This person also seemed to have a lot of issues so maybe I dodged a bullet. This other one I really liked and thought we had a great connection, but again she lives 45 minutes away. She stopped responding as well. Every day I go through all the possible matches on Hinge, Bumble, the League and Match and get nothing. I had Tinder and Ok Cupid but deleted it after so many fake profiles and it was just a waste of time
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 32 minutes ago, max3732 said: Every day I go through all the possible matches on Hinge, Bumble, the League and Match and get nothing. I had Tinder and Ok Cupid but deleted it after so many fake profiles and it was just a waste of time Are you using free or paid versions? It sounds like you are spreading yourself too thing being visible on too many (low quality) apps. You know your specific criteria, so try eHarmony.
Beachead Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 @max3732 53 minutes ago, max3732 said: This other one I really liked and thought we had a great connection, but again she lives 45 minutes away. She stopped responding as well. Every day I go through all the possible matches on Hinge, Bumble, the League and Match and get nothing. I had Tinder and Ok Cupid but deleted it after so many fake profiles and it was just a waste of time Sounds about right. You'd probably have to burn yourself out, giving your all to100's of people, before you find someone who may want to give you the time of day. Even then, people today are very flaky. They ghost or things might be going well for a couple of dates and then suddenly they cancel plans and disappear and you won't even know why. All kinds of things happen, for reasons out of your control. You blame yourself. You try to make adjustments based on what you think you did wrong. In actuality, you may have done nothing wrong. Then you have to start over with good energy and good vibes which you progressively lose, with each failing experience. Go through that enough and it's a wonder why people burn out and leave this behind. If you feel it's burning you out, take a break or just altogether leave. Don't subject your mental-health to that kind of abuse, just for the purpose of meeting someone. It'll change how you view yourself. Take your confidence anyway. You may have even less of a chance then because you're in a bad mood. You won't be open and approachable when someone decent comes along and might miss out on something potentially good . Not only that, the rest of your life may start to suffer. Better to take time off and replenish yourself and see if you're still willing to try again. - Beach 2
glows Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 19 hours ago, max3732 said: I've been sending 2 or 3 messages and then asking them out. One lately said something like "slow down there cowboy" and unmatched me. With the one I asked about for the 3rd date I confirmed plans the day before. It’s not easy to keep asking people out only to be met with rejection. I noticed equally there were a lot of men who held back and didn’t ask me out as quickly as I’d have liked so conversations became tedious. Hang in there. I agree with the comment from Basil that it’s difficult to please everyone. I’m just here to cheer you on! 1
mortensorchid Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 It sounds like she blew you off. If you want an answer, shoot her a text asking how she is. If she doesn't respond, that's your answer. If she does then you can ask if everything is ok and when she wants to get together again. But don't hold your breath that she'll be positive. 1
basil67 Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, max3732 said: Every day I go through all the possible matches on Hinge, Bumble, the League and Match and get nothing. I had Tinder and Ok Cupid but deleted it after so many fake profiles and it was just a waste of time You've mentioned previously that you are looking for woman who is a minority race in your area. Finding limited options is a natural consequence of narrow parameters. If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results. And if you're getting fed up with those results, you're best to either make peace with it or change what you're looking for Edited October 11, 2022 by basil67 grammar
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