ShyViolet Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 7 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: Was I wrong for going off on him? I think maybe I overreacted because he could actually be telling the truth. Yes, absolutely you were very wrong for going off on him. "Going off" on a guy when he tells you he's basically not interested in dating you anymore is a very immature reaction. It doesn't matter whether you believe his reasons. That's completely irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that he is letting you know he's no longer interested in dating you, isn't ready for a relationship or whatever the case may be. The mature and appropriate way to react is to accept it and walk away with self-respect and dignity. Not to throw a tantrum. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 Your over-the-top reaction suggests you are not okay with "going with the flow." I think you are trying too hard to be okay with casual when that's not actually what you want. You say you're okay with a friendly dynamic (what does that even mean?), but then you lose your cool when he opts out. What is friendly about that? It's his prerogative to opt out, whether that means he doesn't want to take it further or doesn't want to meet for sex anymore. It's okay not to be okay with a FWB situation. Be clear with yourself with what you want, and weed out the guys who aren't offering that. Going postal on them is a waste of time and will only confirm for them that it was best to call it off.
IrinaM Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 22 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: So just because you go to a guys house without going on dates means he doesn't like you? yes that's what it means. Please don't apologize to this man. I seriously doubt he had his feelings hurt by your angry outburst. It's more likely that he felt important by making a woman go all "psycho" over him. Apologizing will just inflate his ego further. Please re-evaluate how you go about dating and forming relationships. I know this doesn't sound very "modern," but men who lead with sex don't value you, and never will.
Acacia98 Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 22 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: So just because you go to a guys house without going on dates means he doesn't like you? I told him I was ok with just coming to his house because I knew he was trying to save money. He was telling me to forget about other men and he said he enjoys my company. If he didn't like me then why was he telling me to forget about other men? He's the one who made it seem like he wanted to date. I told him I was ok with our friendly dynamic. It typically means he wants to have sex. Whether or not he likes you is a separate topic. It's perfectly possible to have inexpensive dates if one wants to make an effort. Someone who wants to date you and have things develop into a relationship will make an effort. Someone who talks to you like he wants to date but simultaneously invites you over to his place in lieu of a date is being inconsistent. So it's best not to take his declarations seriously. 1
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 10, 2022 Author Posted October 10, 2022 20 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Yes, absolutely you were very wrong for going off on him. "Going off" on a guy when he tells you he's basically not interested in dating you anymore is a very immature reaction. It doesn't matter whether you believe his reasons. That's completely irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that he is letting you know he's no longer interested in dating you, isn't ready for a relationship or whatever the case may be. The mature and appropriate way to react is to accept it and walk away with self-respect and dignity. Not to throw a tantrum. Yes, I realize I was wrong for the way that I reacted. I wrote out an apology and I'm going to leave a voicemail and apologize.
basil67 Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Bear in mind that he may have blocked you after the rant, so your apology may not be delivered 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 8 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: . I wrote out an apology and I'm going to leave a voicemail and apologize. Well that was your goal all along. But why pursue this? It's unclear what he did that was so heinous that you went off on him like that. If that issue isn't resolved why bother trying to get back together? Make sure loneliness isn't driving this dysfunctional dynamic.
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 11 hours ago, basil67 said: Bear in mind that he may have blocked you after the rant, so your apology may not be delivered I don't think he blocked me when I called the phone rang five times and it went to voicemail It said my message was delivered.
stillafool Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 20 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: I don't think he blocked me when I called the phone rang five times and it went to voicemail It said my message was delivered. Why are you still calling him? 1
stillafool Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 23 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: I don't think he blocked me when I called the phone rang five times and it went to voicemail It said my message was delivered. Well now you've left your apology so just leave him alone and move on now. Forget about the sex stuff. 3
glows Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) If you apologized and left it out there, ready to drop this and accept that he has no time to date you, that might be fine. The irony is that he brushed you off claiming he has no time for you. I’m referring to your first opening post of the thread. Maybe it was a lame excuse to end things but I’m not sure if you see the irony. Now your message went to voicemail. I hope you’re not expecting a response or to beg a man to see your worth or suddenly activate interest in you. He let you go so best to accept that. Edited October 11, 2022 by glows 2
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 11 minutes ago, glows said: If you apologized and left it out there, ready to drop this and accept that he has no time to date you, that might be fine. The irony is that he brushed you off claiming he has no time for you. I’m referring to your first opening post of the thread. Maybe it was a lame excuse to end things but I’m not sure if you see the irony. Now your message went to voicemail. I hope you’re not expecting a response or to beg a man to see your worth or suddenly activate interest in you. He let you go so best to accept that. Who said anything about begging? I said I wanted to apologize for the way that I reacted. And that maybe we can be friends in the future. I never said I was going to beg I don't see how apologizing is begging.
glows Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 2 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: And that maybe we can be friends in the future. What does being friends accomplish? Move forward with more confidence. Seeking his validation in the form of friendship might hold you back. Are you sure you just want to be friends? 2
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 16 minutes ago, glows said: What does being friends accomplish? Move forward with more confidence. Seeking his validation in the form of friendship might hold you back. Are you sure you just want to be friends? Because for awhile things were good between us. I was able to get in touch with my emotions he was gentle towards me. And I just think I really wasn't fair to him in how I handled things. When he said he didn't have time to date I should have said ok I understand. And I don't think he would have stopped talking to me had I done that.
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 17 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: I wrote out an apology and I'm going to leave a voicemail and apologize. What if he answers the phone? Why "plan" a VM? He doesn't want to date so trying to reignite this is probably not a good idea. He knows how to contact you if he wanted to. 1
stillafool Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 9 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: Because for awhile things were good between us. I was able to get in touch with my emotions he was gentle towards me. And I just think I really wasn't fair to him in how I handled things. When he said he didn't have time to date I should have said ok I understand. And I don't think he would have stopped talking to me had I done that. He let you go. He didn't even say maybe you guys could resume when his schedule is less busy, he just said good bye to you the nicest way he could. Why are you so invested in this guy you've only known for 2 months that you are chasing him so hard? I think your chasing is what annoyed him before and now you want to continue after he let you go. Where is your self respect? He's not interested in being your friend. Why not turn your attention back to the other guys you're seeing? Edited October 11, 2022 by stillafool
glows Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 44 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: Because for awhile things were good between us. I was able to get in touch with my emotions he was gentle towards me. And I just think I really wasn't fair to him in how I handled things. When he said he didn't have time to date I should have said ok I understand. And I don't think he would have stopped talking to me had I done that. Ok that’s true. He may have continued to keep speaking to you but would that have satisfied you being a friend or just chatting? I ask as the intention originally was to date him. Did you stop seeing him in a romantic way? How do you intend to remain platonic? I’m moving down the lane here and trying to see what you see as this might have progressed. Would you have been happy?
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, glows said: Ok that’s true. He may have continued to keep speaking to you but would that have satisfied you being a friend or just chatting? I ask as the intention originally was to date him. Did you stop seeing him in a romantic way? How do you intend to remain platonic? I’m moving down the lane here and trying to see what you see as this might have progressed. Would you have been happy? Yes, us being friends and chatting would have been ok. I don't know that I actually saw him in a romantic way I just know that I felt emotional comfort with him. I felt safe and comfortable with him. I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions I felt safe to cuddle and actually let someone be close to be physically. I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. So when I was with him I felt really emotionally connected. And when he told me he didn't have time to date my mind only took me to "You aren't going to have that comfort" and I just overreacted. Instead of just thinking well hey maybe he just doesn't have time right now. It wasn't really about romance it was about feeling emotionally safe. What I'm trying to say is it's rare that I feel any kind of emotional connection with anyone as I have a difficult time expressing emotions. Edited October 11, 2022 by PinkIceCream
NuevoYorko Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: Yes, us being friends and chatting would have been ok. No it wouldn't have. You WERE supposedly friends. He "let" you come over once a week for 4 weeks. That equates to 4 booty calls. Then he pulled the plug. I understand that felt bad to you, but it was absolutely appropriate for him to have done it. Or, you could have done it. You two had "no strings attached," and he felt your arrangement had run its course. Your behavior when he cut it off was out of line. I'm not trying to beat you up over it. You felt upset, and what's done is done. But, clearly, you were NOT going to be "OK." A person who is able to take things as they come will not go off on someone in that scenario. More than trying to contort yourself to fit into relationship scenarios that really would not work for you, be true to yourself. If you want a relationship, or a safe place to express your emotions. do NOT get into casual sex routines, especially where you are the only one making any effort. It's clearly not your style. Edited October 11, 2022 by NuevoYorko 2
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: No it wouldn't have. You WERE supposedly friends. He "let" you come over once a week for 4 weeks. That equates to 4 booty calls. Then he pulled the plug. I understand that felt bad to you, but it was absolutely appropriate for him to have done it. Or, you could have done it. You two had "no strings attached," and he felt your arrangement had run its course. Your behavior when he cut it off was out of line. I'm not trying to beat you up over it. You felt upset, and what's done is done. But, clearly, you were NOT going to be "OK." A person who is able to take things as they come will not go off on someone in that scenario. More than trying to contort yourself to fit into relationship scenarios that really would not work for you, be true to yourself. If you want a relationship. do NOT get into casual sex routines, especially where you are the only one making any effort. It's clearly not your style. We didn't have sex all the time nor did we ever say we were friends he said he enjoys my company. And yes I would have been ok with us being friends I told him I liked the friendly dynamic between us which means I was ok with being friends. But he was the one telling me to forget about other men saying about how he would take me camping because he knew I had never been. If he knew he wanted to end things then why would he tell me he would take me camping? Not once but multiple times?
NuevoYorko Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 8 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: If he knew he wanted to end things then why would he tell me he would take me camping? Not once but multiple times? Have you ever dated before? People say all sorts of things. Some of them are trying to manipulate, but I think for the most part it sounded like a good idea at the time it was said and, as it turned out, was not. You saw him a mere handful of times. Surely you can acknowledge that he owed you no camping trips or anything else. Also - you've mentioned feeling emotionally safe with him a couple of times. Are you aware that going to that place with a person you barely know is not healthy? We are responsible for our own emotional well being, A lot of trust and experience needs to be developed before another person has earned the privilege of being entrusted with our emotional well being. It's also a big burden to lay on another person - clearly a guy who simply "LETS" (you've not given the impression that he actually WANTED you to) come over a few times is not intentionally signing up to take care of your emotional needs. One more thing: have you considered that you are not a safe person, emotionally? Going off on a person who decided to end a very short lived, casual, NSA connection like you did definitely will have him thinking twice about his judgement there. 4
glows Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 43 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: Yes, us being friends and chatting would have been ok. I don't know that I actually saw him in a romantic way I just know that I felt emotional comfort with him. I felt safe and comfortable with him. I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions I felt safe to cuddle and actually let someone be close to be physically. I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. So when I was with him I felt really emotionally connected. And when he told me he didn't have time to date my mind only took me to "You aren't going to have that comfort" and I just overreacted. Instead of just thinking well hey maybe he just doesn't have time right now. It wasn't really about romance it was about feeling emotionally safe. What I'm trying to say is it's rare that I feel any kind of emotional connection with anyone as I have a difficult time expressing emotions. I’m curious why this is so. See bolded. You recognize where you had made a mistake and are learning from it which is good. Why is it important to have him as an emotional safety net? What I’m really curious about is why there’s a need for that? Can you feel safe and supported through other ways such as family or community? Why place it on someone who’s virtually a stranger or whom you’ve known for a short time? It’s very natural to want to be around people we can feel safe with but be a little more choosy. He let you go before you reacted, choosing or opting not to be that comfort to you. He cited not having enough time. I suspect the time available for chatting might have decreased. He might see other people and make someone else a priority. If you do see him as a source of comfort would a decrease in that cause you to be uncomfortable over time? 1
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, PinkIceCream said: I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. If this is the case, you are choosing relationships that present a high risk of being hurt and reinforcing your belief that “people aren’t safe.” Of course, it’s not the same as the grief that you feel when you love another and they end a relationship/die. This is death by a thousand cuts… you meet a man, tell him that you are cool with whatever, develop feelings of attachment and expectation… and then, when it inevitably ends as these kind of “no strings attached, nothing risked/nothing gained” relationships tend to do - you are left feeling hurt and angry and striking out at the other person. In short, your chosen coping strategy may just be reinforcing your insecurity and feelings of being unsafe. Maybe it’s time to reconsider, get some counselling, decide what you really want to go after it. Edited October 11, 2022 by BaileyB 4
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: If this is the case, you are choosing relationships that present a high risk of being hurt and reinforcing your belief that “people aren’t safe.” Of course, it’s not the same as the grief that you feel when you love another and they end a relationship/die. This is death by a thousand cuts… you meet a man, tell him that you are cool with whatever, develop feelings of attachment and expectation… and then, when it inevitably ends as these kind of “no strings attached, nothing risked/nothing gained” relationships tend to do - you are left feeling hurt and angry and striking out at the other person. In short, your chosen coping strategy may just be reinforcing your insecurity and feelings of being unsafe. Maybe it’s time to reconsider, get some counselling, decide what you really want to go after it. I choose no strings attached so that I don’t end up hurt. But really how was I supposed to know that this situation was a no strings attached? When he was telling me how we were going to do this and that together? I mean he made it seem like he actually liked me. It didn’t seem like no strings attached we cuddled and talked about things I mean really. I guess I was supposed to automatically know it was no strings attached. I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. And that he was preoccupied with work and didn’t have time for anything or anyone. Which is what he had told me once before in person. That he was really busy with work but yet he let me come see him still. He was going to let me drop off something of his after he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship. But that’s when I went off. Edited October 11, 2022 by PinkIceCream
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Would have you wanted to remain friends if you found out his reason for ending this was an excuse? Or if you stayed friendly but later discovered he has met someone else who he does make time to date?
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