I met a huge giver!

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Look, it's your call of course, but don't you think 6 weeks is just way too soon for all these gifts?

I recognize it's soon. (Beats the last boyfriend who didn't do b'days and holidays and gifts.) 

I'm not ending it because he's ...motivated. He's not controlling, I don't feel invaded, I just see a man that's smitten. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Chocolates, electronics, work lunches, gifts for your kid... that's another thing entirely and just way too soon IMO. Especially the "gifts for your kid" part.

Agree, to me this looks like lovebombing and unsustainable.

[glows]

On 10/9/2022 at 7:47 AM, Gaeta said:

My male friend told me it's not important I reciprocate in the same matter, I just need to be loving and generous in the bedroom. 

Gaeta, I read this and wasn’t sure what to think. I do think he sounds lovely but the comment about what you need to be (from your friend) made the back of the hairs on my neck stand. I wouldn’t consider this flattering in the least nor would it have anything to with who is masculine or feminine. It sounds like your friend is encouraging you to trade gifts for affection.

So while it feels good and it remains to be seen what kind of person this is, I would remain wary.

Edited October 11, 2022 by glows

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, to me this looks like lovebombing and unsustainable.

Of course, it's not sustainable! No honeymoon phase is sustainable.

Do not confuse love bombing with someone who's just excited at the beginning of a relationship. Giving compliments, offering chocolate, a veal dish or a wireless headset you got on special isn't love bombing. 

Here are signs of love bombing: 

• Intense Idealization then devaluation and repeat
• Get upset when you establish boundaries
• Excessive flattery
• Soulmate claims
• Neediness
• the receiver feels overwhelmed and unbalanced, feeling of walking on eggshell. 

 

 

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not ending it because he's ...motivated. He's not controlling, I don't feel invaded, I just see a man that's smitten. 

And would it be safe to assume you are also smitten, which if so has a huge bearing on this!

Another woman not so smitten might find it too over the top, too overwhelming.  It might even turn her off. 

I can relate to what you're experiencing G.

My ex, the one I spoke of earlier, was always buying me little gifts, from the very beginning. 

A pair of earrings he thought I might like, he once noticed a turquoise sweater in a shop and bought it for me, candy, wine/champagne, food (take out), he rarely came over empty-handed -- all very early in. 

He also wrote me notes, love notes if you will, and would leave them for me to find.

He was not trying to buy me although I realize that's how it appears.  It actually gave him pleasure, he was a giver, he enjoyed giving and providing.

I was so touched by all these gestures, why?

Because I was equally as smitten, I was literally crazy about him, at that time of course. 

We were together six years, so it was obviously not lovebombing, not in a negative sense anyway. 

Had I not been so smitten, I would have felt completely differently.

That said, I will admit I became quite entitled because of this.  I had a difficult time dating after we broke up because of my high expectations in this regard. 

I am more balanced now - give and take, in different ways. 

I tend to view men buying me gifts early in as them trying to buy me.

But then I think back to my ex, who in truth I haven't thought about until this thread, and remember how much pleasure it gave him to provide, bring me gifts etc.

To bring me joy, a smile to my face.

My husband is more of a "doer" and given my love language is "acts of service" draws me closer to him.

Our natures blend perfectly.

Edited October 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Gaeta, I read this and wasn’t sure what to think. I do think he sounds lovely but the comment about what you need to be made the back of the hairs on my neck stand. I wouldn’t consider this flattering in the least nor would it have anything to with who is masculine or feminine. It sounds like he’s trading gifts for affection and I’m not a woman who can be bought.

A male friend told me this, not the man I am dating. Maybe this friend and I have been friends for too long, he tells me anything crossing his mind he may need to keep to himself. 

The man I am dating has never EVER made sexual innuendoes. We were intimate once so far and it was very romantic, and he's been nothing but a gentleman to me, before & after. It was my choice to be intimate after a month, he was ready to wait as long as I wished. Before we made it to the bedroom, we only kissed.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for your time! and suggestion on how to reciprocate. 

He's happy about the comedy show and looking forward to going. 

I'm having a great time and I don't want to jinx it by dissecting it on here. 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Gaeta