I met a huge giver!

October 10, 2022

Gaeta, allow me to share a story about one of my ex's. Long term relationship, six years.

He was a giver too, he actually enjoyed giving, it was his pleasure to give! Just like my dad.

Whenever I tried to "do" something for him, he actually felt insulted.

Like pay for a night out or once my car was towed when we were out together and he got insulted when I offered to pay. Just two examples.

He would also open doors for me, get up from his chair when I would get up, things like that.

It was how he was raised, very polite and traditional, and he was NOT a 'white knight' or anything like that

He was strong and dominant (in a good way). A gentleman, a man.

The way I reciprocatied was in the form of verbal and/or physical appreciation and enthusiasm, and he loved it.

It made him feel like a King, literally!

That was our dynamic and it worked for many years.

I'm confused why you feel you have to contribute monetarily. It's possible he might feel insulted like my ex did.

It may actually turn him on providing and giving and if you attempt to thwart his desire to provide and proceed to "take charge," I'm not sure how well that will go down.

You know it's possible a man like him may not be right for you.

You may actually need to take the reigns sometimes, be the giver, the "doer" - that gives YOU pleasure.

Which is OK. There's no wrong or right.

It's all about how compatible your natures are and the mere fact you've created this thread suggests you're not comfortable with it.

True? Not true?

Imo, the best relationships are about balance. He gives, I give. In different ways or sometimes in the same way.

Giving can mean so many things, it's not always about doing or giving gifts.

It can be as simple as giving a hug, a warm smile, a compliment.

Those things are giving too.

Edited October 10, 2022 by poppyfields

October 10, 2022

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The way I reciprocatied were in the form of verbal and/or physical appreciation and enthusiasm, and he loved it, it made him feel like a King, literally!

It's all about how compatible your natures are and the mere fact you've created this thread suggests you're not comfortable with it.

True? Not true?

I have a feeling I'm gonna get used to a man taking care of me

I'm not uncomfortable, just looking for a way to reciprocate.

Reading this, added to a couple of things he told me, I realize I should be more verbally expressive.

October 11, 2022

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I realize I should be more verbally expressive.

I don't think you can ever overdo this, most men love it, as long as it's genuine and sincere, spoken from the heart.

October 11, 2022

I was lucky! I found tickets to his favorite stand-up comedian for the end of the month

October 11, 2022

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I was lucky! I found tickets to his favorite stand-up comedian for the end of the month

That's very thoughtful and sounds fun!

It will be interesting to see how he responds to it, considering how he responded to your invite to cook him dinner which was taking the reigns and cooking himself.

Let us know and hope it works out!

Edited October 11, 2022 by poppyfields

October 11, 2022

How long have you been dating? In the early stages, most guys are not expecting too much other than making yourself available and being exclusive.

As the relationship goes on, providing this man is consistent with his behavior and this isn't just some kind of facade, so long as you're comfortable with this arrangement, it looks like you could be onto a winner!

As a guy who is similar (I work away for weeks at a time but love to spoil my partner when I'm home) to this guy, I don't really expect my partner to do too much.

My partner is a very busy professional and has little time during the week. I usually plan a getaway or two in my weeks home, to really make her feel valued an special.

However, of there is something I love her to do, it is to cook me a really nice meal. She's a fantastic cook and she always puts her heart and soul into whatever culinary delight she's creating.

I can't speak for all men, however I believe that my experiences speak for the many like-minded male friend I have; at the end of the day, us men are pretty simple creatures. Our wants and needs are not too complicated.

I am a firm believer in leading, but without being controlling. I'm a firm believer that whilst rigid '50s-era gener roles are totally gone with the times, respecting masculine/feminine energy is key to a happy and loving relationship.

My partner is one of the most intelligent, capable and independent women I've ever met. Yet, she understands the importance of giving plenty of rope for me to be the very man I've strived to be in past relationships, but ultimately failed because I was seen as competing with, rather than completing what those women previously were after.

I wouldn't over-think things. Go with it, take it all in. Enjoy a man who wants to spoil you, and provide all that feminine energy that he craves. If his intentions aren't genuine, he won't be able to keep it up.

October 11, 2022

On 10/9/2022 at 9:47 AM, Gaeta said:

My male friend told me it's not important I reciprocate in the same matter, I just need to be loving and generous in the bedroom.

Your friend is telling you what you want to hear, which is why he's in the friend zone.

There is no such thing as a person that doesn't believe reciprocation is important. Would you ever cook, clean, buy gifts and do headstands in bed for a man and who just sits back and enjoys? Then why would you expect someone else to?

The idea that women are "receivers" and men are givers that the women in here are saying is silly, and the opposite rhetoric will get moderated if stated by a man on this forum. Men and women give and receive in different ways, but the healthiest relationship involve both giving generously in different ways.

The idea that worthy men are out there doing all this just for some enthusiastic sex is female fantasy.

October 11, 2022

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I was lucky! I found tickets to his favorite stand-up comedian for the end of the month

Ok that's good. See what he does for your birthday. Make sure you surprise him with the tickets after your birthday so it doesn't look like a hint .

He is in pursuit mode/best behavior so hold your judgement for when you get to know him better and remember that all that glitters isn't gold.

If it becomes a red flag at some point, slow down . Remember that you don't want to be beholden to anyone especially sexually or someone who may be what you seem to describe as love bombing.

Slow down take your time.

October 11, 2022

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Remember that you don't want to be beholden to anyone especially sexually or someone who may be what you seem to describe as love bombing.

I've read many descriptions of what love bombing is and what these people do, he doesn't fit any of the criteria.

October 11, 2022

On 10/10/2022 at 12:47 AM, Gaeta said:

when we meet he always has gifts for me and often a gift for my kiddo, he cooks and brings me food for my lunch at work.

How long have you two been dating?

In the culture that I grew up in, the vast majority of guys pay for dates, so I guess it's just something that I got used to. But the things you describe above: the immense volume of gifts, and visiting you at work to bring you lunch... that feels a bit over-the-top to me. It's one thing if you two are in a long-term relationship and he does this once in a while or for special occasions... that's normal and great. But if it's only been a short while, I'd worry that you're being "love bombed". And if it happens very often, it wouldn't be sustainable long term.

October 11, 2022

11 hours ago, CollinW said:

The idea that women are "receivers" and men are givers that the women in here are saying is silly

I agree with you in general, but to be fair to the posters here, there is literally only ONE woman in this thread saying that.

October 11, 2022

16 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

How long have you two been dating?

In the culture that I grew up in, the vast majority of guys pay for dates, so I guess it's just something that I got used to. But the things you describe above: the immense volume of gifts, and visiting you at work to bring you lunch... that feels a bit over-the-top to me. It's one thing if you two are in a long-term relationship and he does this once in a while or for special occasions... that's normal and great. But if it's only been a short while, I'd worry that you're being "love bombed". And if it happens very often, it wouldn't be sustainable long term.

The culture he grew up in, men pay.

Correction: I never said *immense volume of gifts*. I said he brings gifts, no one asked what they were. They're box of chocolate, food he cooked, electronic gadget like wireless earbuds (he noticed I still use the wire ones), none of those gifts are over the top.

He also never visited me at work. When he visits me at my place, if he cooked something he will bring me a plastic container with food for my lunch at work the following day.

If you guys are unsure, please don't assume, just ask.

October 11, 2022

On 10/10/2022 at 8:23 AM, poppyfields said:

Women are almost being forced to act like men (giving, buying, doing, take care of things) because many men have either forgotten how to act like men, or have become lazy and complacent or gender roles have become so blended, no one knows how to act anymore.

People are being challenged to explore and behave outside of the narrow paths laid out for us by society, culture and hormones. It's interesting to read here and on other similar forums how many people still feel fine just figuring out how to "act feminine" or "act like a man." Sounds like entire lives lived out via role playing - with the roles written by producers of Lifetime movies. Seems sad to me.

October 11, 2022

13 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

How long have you been dating? In the early stages, most guys are not expecting too much other than making yourself available and being exclusive.

As the relationship goes on, providing this man is consistent with his behavior and this isn't just some kind of facade, so long as you're comfortable with this arrangement, it looks like you could be onto a winner!

As a guy who is similar (I work away for weeks at a time but love to spoil my partner when I'm home) to this guy, I don't really expect my partner to do too much.

My partner is a very busy professional and has little time during the week. I usually plan a getaway or two in my weeks home, to really make her feel valued an special.

However, of there is something I love her to do, it is to cook me a really nice meal. She's a fantastic cook and she always puts her heart and soul into whatever culinary delight she's creating.

I can't speak for all men, however I believe that my experiences speak for the many like-minded male friend I have; at the end of the day, us men are pretty simple creatures. Our wants and needs are not too complicated.

I am a firm believer in leading, but without being controlling. I'm a firm believer that whilst rigid '50s-era gender roles are totally gone with the times, respecting masculine /feminine energy is key to a happy and loving relationship.

My partner is one of the most intelligent, capable and independent women I've ever met. Yet, she understands the importance of giving plenty of rope for me to be the very man I've strived to be in past relationships, but ultimately failed because I was seen as competing with, rather than completing what those women previously were after.

I wouldn't over-think things. Go with it, take it all in. Enjoy a man who wants to spoil you, and provide all that feminine energy that he craves. If his intentions aren't genuine, he won't be able to keep it up.

Thank you for posting this^ TB. All of it but especially the bolded.

Not saying this holds true for everyone or every couple, but it was how my late dad was and how I was raised.

No wrong or right, every couple has their own dynamic, what works them.

@Gaeta, what TB described above is very similar to the dynamic my husband and I have and it works for us.

My advice is continue observing. Try to not analyze or over-think, but rather relax and enjoy.

No one can say if he's "lovebombing" it doesn't sound like that to me, but time will tell.

It's still very very early stages.

Stay positive and be happy!

Edited October 11, 2022 by poppyfields

October 11, 2022

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

People are being challenged to explore and behave outside of the narrow paths laid out for us by society, culture and hormones. It's interesting to read here and on other similar forums how many people still feel fine just figuring out how to "act feminine" or "act like a man." Sounds like entire lives lived out via role playing - with the roles written by producers of Lifetime movies. Seems sad to me.

I think it's a case-by-case subject. We are the result of our environment, culture, up bringing, our generation, etc. What works for one person (man or woman) may not work for another. I don't think anyone plays a 'role', who wants to live their life playing a role that's not them, people play their reality. My new guy acts like himself, I act like myself. His ways are new to me, but I sure enjoy it so far.

October 11, 2022

Just now, Gaeta said:

I think it's a case-by-case subject. We are the result of our environment, culture, up bringing, our generation, etc. What works for one person (man or woman) may not work for another. I don't think anyone plays a 'role', who wants to live their life playing a role that's not them, people play their reality. My new guy acts like himself, I act like myself. His ways are new to me, but I sure enjoy it so far.

I get that, and of course there are some male and female people who just happen to align almost perfectly with the gender roles set forth by the societies in which they live.

Where I jump ship immediately is when I read the phrase "act like men" or "act like women," especially when the poster is then advised on how to do it. Or directed to books on how to do it. That's putting the stereotype at the fore and the real person, along with what their true hearts desire for their relationships and lives, last.

As far as the idea, presented here as a fact, that men are the "givers," I would not be surprised. We are conditioned to "win" women by providing ...

I'm not denying that there are biological urges behind all of this gender stereotyping. Of course there are. We are animals and most of what we do is based on our personal survival as well as that of our species. That said, a whole bunch of us are not using our time here on earth to propagate, and there is no reason why we need to be constrained that way.

October 11, 2022

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm not denying that there are biological urges behind all of this gender stereotyping. Of course there are. We are animals and most of what we do is based on our personal survival as well as that of our species. That said, a whole bunch of us are not using our time here on earth to propagate, and there is no reason why we need to be constrained that way.

Civilization as we know it started 6,000 years ago. We started challenging those gender roles like 50 years ago. You and l will not witness the complete abolition of gender roles. We're just starting to noticed less wisdom teeth and we stopped eating raw meet 200,000 years ago. Evolution is a slow slow process.

October 11, 2022

Lucky you, @Gaeta! I like how he treats you. Is this another guy from OLD? I wouldn’t mind the gifts either, would probably feel slightly smothered with the home cooked food containers, though, but still - nice and thoughtful. Enjoy!

[Not sure about the giver & receiver “theory”, and that the man should “lead”, albeit w/o being controlling (I sure hope that’s a given ) …… do you feel like your current guy acts “leader-ish”, and would that make you uncomfortable or would you be ok with that? I don’t think it’s natural at all; there must be a balance, except for in the bedroom maybe]

Edited October 11, 2022 by BrinnM

October 11, 2022

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Civilization as we know it started 6,000 years ago. We started challenging those gender roles like 50 years ago. You and l will not witness the complete abolition of gender roles. We're just starting to noticed less wisdom teeth and we stopped eating raw meet 200,000 years ago. Evolution is a slow slow process.

Of course.

But do you think that a good solution to relationship problems is for people to try to "act like men / women"? I don't. That's where I think a lot of Internet relationship advice goes astray. Also general life advice. I think you have 2 daughters. I have one. She's an amazing adult woman and it really gives me the creeps to think about how little she would have blossomed if her mom and I spent any time at all teaching her how to "act feminine" or "like a woman" while she was developing.

Maybe she would have had more boyfriends, but I'm very confident that her overall quality of life would not have been anything but stepped on.

Back to your "giver" boyfriend: I think he is showing that he cares for you by giving you gifts. I guess you might want to keep an eye on him for possible love bombing behaviors, because it sounds like a lot - but nothing about it seems wrong, as you've described it.

Edited October 11, 2022 by NuevoYorko

October 11, 2022

In my opinion, feminine /masculine polarity/energy is not about "acting" or being raised to "act" a certain way.

It's innate, our natures, naturally and genuinely.

Gaeta, personally speaking I wasn't taught to act "feminine" nor were my brothers taught to act "masculine".

I am the only girl, but I have five brothers and they all "act" quite differently based on their natures, unique to them.

My values with respect to relationships and now marriage come from what I witnessed growing up.

How I witnessed my dad interacting in both his marriages, to my mom and later, step mom.

He was the provider, the giver, and he enjoyed it, it gave him pleasure to give and to provide.

It was innate. His nature, as it is for many men, NOT all.

Yes, times are certainly changing and such genders roles are being challenged.

This is good in many ways but also bad in some ways as these gender roles have become blurred which from what I'm witnessing in today's dating culture, has become confusing for some men and women.

Again, JMO.

Edited October 11, 2022 by poppyfields

October 11, 2022

@NuevoYorko: I still don't know how to multi quote after almost 9 years on here.

I don't agree that women and men should act a certain way. I have a number of feminine qualities in me, I also have a number of masculine qualities. I have to respect what I am composed of. Some of those feminine/masculine qualities are very strong and cannot be forced into something else, others are flexible. If a man wants to pay each time we go out, I'm super flexible on that, if a man wanted me to be submissive that would be nonnegotiable.

My oldest daughter is a welder, she bench-presses, rock-climbs, can't cook to save her life, she has a lot of masculine character traits, she found a great guy that gets a kick out of her strong personality, he's happy to do all the cleaning and cooking. He's protective and handy and all but he's the one telling her that her top doesn't match her pants. They complement each other perfectly. She was 6 years old when she told me ponytails were too girly lol. - let's respect who we are.

My current bf is like everyone else. He has strong masculine qualities, but it's balanced with several feminine qualities, he's sensitive toward my feelings, he asks me to tell him if he's too much and he'll adjust to what every pace I'm comfortable with, he's flexible, he's open like a book I don't have to drill down his throat for him to share himself.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Gaeta

October 11, 2022

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The culture he grew up in, men pay.

Correction: I never said *immense volume of gifts*. I said he brings gifts, no one asked what they were. They're box of chocolate, food he cooked, electronic gadget like wireless earbuds (he noticed I still use the wire ones), none of those gifts are over the top.

He also never visited me at work. When he visits me at my place, if he cooked something he will bring me a plastic container with food for my lunch at work the following day.

I said "immense volume", not "immense expense". Your post stated "when we meet he always has gifts for me and often a gift for my kiddo", which implies at least one gift per meet, if not more. That is... an immense volume. I don't know any other way to describe it.

Quote

If you guys are unsure, please don't assume, just ask.

Okay. I ask again, how long have you two been dating? That is something that I am definitely unsure about.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Elswyth

October 11, 2022

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My oldest daughter is a welder, she bench-presses, rock-climbs, can't cook to save her life, she has a lot of masculine character traits, she found a great guy that gets a kick out of her strong personality, he's happy to do all the cleaning and cooking. He's protective and handy and all but he's the one telling her that her top doesn't match her pants. They complement each other perfectly. She was 6 years old when she told me ponytails were too girly lol. - let's respect who we are.

Exactly my point. She was 6 years old when first discovering who she was - not liking "girly" things like ponytails.

You didn't teach her this, it was/innate, her nature.

Your point about possessing both feminine and masculine characteristics I also agree with.

We are all a mix, some people possess more of certain traits than the other.

No wrong or right, as long as our respective natures and traits complement each other versus repel, that's all that matters.

Your boyfriend sounds lovely G, I really hope this works out for you, stay positive.

Edited October 11, 2022 by poppyfields

October 11, 2022

3 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I ask again, how long have you two been dating? That is something that I am definitely unsure about, therefore I am asking it, as per your request.

lol, 6 weeks.

October 11, 2022

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

lol, 6 weeks.

Oh... wow.

Look, it's your call of course, but don't you think 6 weeks is just way too soon for all these gifts? Paying for dates is one thing, and especially if he grew up in a culture where men pay, that's "normal". Chocolates, electronics, work lunches, gifts for your kid... that's another thing entirely and just way too soon IMO. Especially the "gifts for your kid" part.

It does seem like you have your mind made up about this already, so I'll say my piece and move on. All the best.

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