I met a huge giver!

[Gaeta]

So I should just relax and enjoy being on the receiving end? 

I've never experienced a man like him before (and I dated many). He's always 2 steps ahead so I have not found an opportunity to reciprocate yet! He's firmly refused for me to pay for any of our outings, when we meet he always has gifts for me and often a gift for my kiddo, he cooks and brings me food for my lunch at work. My male friend told me it's not important I reciprocate in the same matter, I just need to be loving and generous in the bedroom. 

I still have this nagging feeling I have to show my appreciation by spending money, on him or us,  somehow! 

Thoughts & Suggestions? 

Thank you!

[FMW]

Pick him up a little gift, something that uniquely reminds you of him, and then choose a time to surprise him with it.  Otherwise - enjoy!

[Weezy1973]

Yes, relax and enjoy. Keep in mind that you’re still in the honeymoon stages and he’s likely still trying to “court” you so some of these gestures might diminish over time. But enjoy these early stages! 

[poppyfields]

Hi Gaeta!

This may surprise you, but contrary to popular belief, men are the givers, women are the receivers. 

I actually read this on a popular men's forum posted by a man!  A very wise man, a bit older (60ish). 

My dad was the same as well as a couple of my brothers AND my husband.

As a woman receiving, all he needs from you is your appreciation and enthusiasm, not just in the bedroom as your male friend advised, although that IS important too. 

You can make him feel like a King by surprising him with his favorite dinner, jumping into his arms, or any other type of physical affection.  Your appreciation and enthusiasm for him and all he does. 

Thats all he needs as far as reciprocation, he does not need gifts, in fact this may insult him, as a man. 

Learn to appreciate his style, as long as you don't feel he's trying to buy you or win your love and his giving comes from his heart, these are the best men, imo

Enjoy!

 

 

Edited October 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

I'm such a giver too and I like balanced reciprocation. A guy like that would have me feeling overwhelmed and smothered....but that's me, I like my space/independence/don't like to be fussed over. BUT I say listen to your male friend and see where it takes you. If this type of stuff makes the guy happy and he takes joy in doing it, then just let him do his thing. Don't feel guilty, this is on him and he certainly has made it clear that he insists/is ok with it. If it doesn't work out, who cares...at least you got to be pampered like a queen, which is a rare, rare! occurrence for many of us women. Enjoy! Let us know how it goes.

[mark clemson]

Glad you've found someone fun and nice who makes you feel special!

[Alvi]

Oh, wow! He sounds like a keeper. A total old-fashioned gentleman! Just keep showing your enthusiasm (not just in the bedroom) to him. Maybe cook him a nice meal here and there, give him a small gift or a token once in a while. But relax and let him take the reins.

[Happy Lemming]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

he cooks...

I still have this nagging feeling I have to show my appreciation by spending money, on him or us,  somehow!

How about a small kitchen gadget (that he doesn't own) -- maybe a potato ricer or something along those lines.

Or maybe an gourmet ingredient that he could use in the food he prepares (for both of you) -- Sesame oil, avocado oil or a higher end red wine vinegar.

[Gaeta]

@Happy Lemming that's a great idea! Thanks

[Gaeta]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This may surprise you, but contrary to popular belief, men are the givers, women are the receivers. 

I've read that too while reading about feminine and masculine enerdy. 

Men & women have both feminine and masculine energy but at different levels. In my last relationship my masculine side was called upon often. This is new territory, at my age, to have a more traditional man with a strong sense of 'taking care of me'. 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In my last relationship my masculine side was called upon often...

Yes I know and it's a sad state of affairs in today's dating culture imo.

Women are almost being forced to act like men (giving, buying, doing, take care of things) because many men have either forgotten how to act like men, or have become lazy and complacent or gender roles have become so blended, no one knows how to act anymore.

I"m not into material gifts so much but my husband is definitely the "doer and planner" in our marriage (as my dad was in his marriages), which may be one reason why I married him.  (Because he was so much like my dad).

Gaeta, try and get rid of your old ways of thinking - you spending money, buying things, taking care of things, which are all masculine energy. 

This is NOT what a man like him needs. 

I may get flack for this but he needs you to be in your feminine energy - let him lead, you follow and show appreciation, loyalty and love.

You're keeping hush about this but I'm really hoping this works out for you!

 

Edited October 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I'm glad to hear this. 

I once dated an ex who loved boats. I picked up this unusual framed picture of a boat while I was heading home from work one day. I just thought it looked really neat. He kept it above his bed in his bedroom.

I'm glad that he's thoughtful and attentive and treating you well. He should have qualities that you respect - ideally he gains respect on first impression, and then it continues to grow. It is also fine to share things you value about him with him. 

Be mindful that this is also a two-way street, so let him lead the way, but not everything.

[Weezy1973]

@Gaeta I’d advise to just be yourself. The relationship will find a rhythm of its own and masculine and feminine tendencies won’t even be a thing because it will feel natural. Your previous relationship naturally evolved so that you “led” and this one will be different because it’s between different people. Just don’t try to be something you’re not because you think it’s what he “needs”. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Wiseman2]

On 10/9/2022 at 10:47 AM, Gaeta said:

My male friend told me it's not important I reciprocate in the same matter, I just need to be loving and generous in the bedroom.

Have you invited him over for dinner or is it too soon for that? It may be nice for him to be invited and cooked for rather than him doing all this all the time .

Keep in mind this the pursuit stage and that won't last forever. At some point reciprocity is needed

Your male friend is wrong. Don't make sex a "reward" for anything. It has to be a thing in itself.

[Alpacalia]

 

I was going to mention your male friend's advice.

Don't follow that advice.

Edited October 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, agree with be yourself, I never suggested otherwise. 

It was you yourself who acknowledged we all possess both masculine and feminine energies, and admittedly in your previous relationships you took the more masculine role. 

You're a strong independent financially successful women and from what I know of you, your tendency is to lead and take charge. 

Those relationships did not work out so my suggestion was to try something different this time.  

Perhaps tap into your feminine energy and behave and respond from that frame this time.

Given how he's a giver, a leader, more traditional, it's a win-win.  Or has the potential to be. 

That's all. 

Always always be yourself though.

Edited October 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, I think if you want to express your appreciation and give back in the bedroom, that's fine. 

Sexual intimacy is an activity you both should enjoy, a way be close and give to each other.

Never a reward, that's a very unhealthy way of viewing it.

[Alpacalia]

I don't know.

One doesn't just say, "He took me out to dinner so now I'm going to sex him up a little."

Oftentimes, my appreciation for sex comes from an intimate moment we've shared and there have been plenty of instances in which I was so touched by a gesture that I couldn't resist physically expressing myself IN THE MOMENT.

Check, please! 

[basil67]

It looks like his love language is acts of service and gifts.  If your love language is also like his, then there's nothing wrong with returning that affection in kind if you want to.  It could be very rewarding for both of you..  But given that his is give, give, give, don't kill yourself trying to keep up - you don't want to exhaust yourself or your wallet.  Of course, you can also show your enthusiasm in other ways.

One caution I would give is that it's highly likely that this degree of giving on his part highly likely to be unsustainable in the long term.  Whether this is genuine enthusiasm born of excitement or whether it's bait-and-switch remains to be seen.  Please continue with the knowledge that one way or another, this level of giving will likely end and things will become more 'normal'

Question to end:  Are you actually comfortable with this level of giving on his part.  The fact that you've asked friends and us about it makes me wonder if it's all a bit OTT.  And I will fully acknowledge that I'm projecting as I know I'd be uncomfortable with it, mostly because I'd also feel the pressure to respond and I'd be waiting for it to end.

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oftentimes, my appreciation for sex comes from an intimate moment we've shared and there have been plenty of instances in which I was so touched by a gesture that I couldn't resist physically expressing myself IN THE MOMENT.

I agree with this!  Exactly how I feel. 

Which includes planning a nice dinner out or at home.  Or any other kind gesture. 

It's very subtle. And a win-win for both of us. ❤

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you invited him over for dinner or is it too soon for that? 

Keep in mind this the pursuit stage and that won't last forever. At some point reciprocity is needed

Your male friend is wrong. Don't make sex a "reward" for anything. It has to be a thing in itself.

oh I tried to invite him over for dinner lol.

First time he said: I'd love to come over for dinner...tell you what! I will cook dinner for us, you won't have to do a thing! It was a great dinner at my place he did from A to Z, I've discovered he's very comfortable in a kitchen.

Second time I tried he said he's been wanting to take me to this Indian restaurant, so we went out.

Our next date is Wednesday and it's my b'day so even if I try to provide in any way he'll object.

I know that will settle down eventually. 

I think the best way for me to participate to our outings would be to get tickets to a show I know he'd enjoy, and this without telling him ahead of time. 

 

[basil67]

I think tickets is a lovely idea.  But do be aware that while he may have the best of intentions, what you describe above is him bulldozing over your own suggestions.  It's Ok to say "No, I would like to cook for you".  

Edited October 10, 2022 by basil67

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Question to end:  Are you actually comfortable with this level of giving on his part.  The fact that you've asked friends and us about it makes me wonder if it's all a bit OTT.  And I will fully acknowledge that I'm projecting as I know I'd be uncomfortable with it, mostly because I'd also feel the pressure to respond and I'd be waiting for it to end.

I am not uncomfortable but touched and I feel the need to reciprocate but he makes it hard for me to do. I am a generous women, I don't want him to think/feel otherwise about me.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 It's Ok to say "No, I would like to cook for you".  

You're right, I'll have to say that eventually but I rarely had a man cook for me so when he counter-offered I didn't resist. 

[Alpacalia]

Take him apple picking.

I did that once. I made him pull the little red wagon.