Asking1 Posted October 6, 2022 Posted October 6, 2022 He broke up a couple of months ago with his ex, after many years together (his call). Nothing dramatic, they stayed friends. He asked me out recently (we've known each other for a few years, always got along well, but I went abroad for a while with my job). Now I returned and we reconnected immediately. He asked me out, we dated a couple of times, he showed interest, he was very romantic, went beyond himself to make me feel special, even discussed some future plans. All platonic, but sweet. But after both dates he went totally silent, no text, no call, takes days to reply if I initiate contact (I only texted him once a week, not to suffocate him). A common friend told me he behaves distant with him too lately, especially after changing his job to one that he is not happy with and it is stressful. When we met, however, everything worked great, we spent 5-6 hours laughing and sharing a lot, although I could tell he was a bit shy. He said and did all the right things during our dates. So now I feel confused and I don't dare to write or to call him anymore, I don't want to pressure him, since he hasn't replied to my last text message, a few days ago. Should I give him more space and time to clear up his mind? Or could he be ghosting me? We haven't met in almost three weeks (now we live two hours away and work a lot both of us, but I am supposed to move to his city with my job soon). If he was a guy I just met, I would understand. But having been friends before and being both more mature of age, I don't know what to think of this.
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 2 hours ago, Asking1 said: He broke up a couple of months ago with his ex, after many years together (his call). Nothing dramatic, they stayed friends. He asked me out recently (we've known each other for a few years, always got along well, but I went abroad for a while with my job). Now I returned and we reconnected immediately. He asked me out, we dated a couple of times, he showed interest, he was very romantic, went beyond himself to make me feel special, even discussed some future plans. All platonic, but sweet. But after both dates he went totally silent, no text, no call, takes days to reply if I initiate contact (I only texted him once a week, not to suffocate him). A common friend told me he behaves distant with him too lately, especially after changing his job to one that he is not happy with and it is stressful. When we met, however, everything worked great, we spent 5-6 hours laughing and sharing a lot, although I could tell he was a bit shy. He said and did all the right things during our dates. So now I feel confused and I don't dare to write or to call him anymore, I don't want to pressure him, since he hasn't replied to my last text message, a few days ago. Should I give him more space and time to clear up his mind? Or could he be ghosting me? We haven't met in almost three weeks (now we live two hours away and work a lot both of us, but I am supposed to move to his city with my job soon). If he was a guy I just met, I would understand. But having been friends before and being both more mature of age, I don't know what to think of this. he’s not ready yet to date. he might have felt great about you but wasn’t ready to commit to anything. 1 1
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 2 hours ago, Asking1 said: But having been friends before and being both more mature of age, I don't know what to think of this. That doesn’t actually matter when he has just recently ended a very long term relationship. He is just not ready to date, he is certainly not ready for anything serious. 1
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 30 minutes ago, BaileyB said: That doesn’t actually matter when he has just recently ended a very long term relationship. He is just not ready to date, he is certainly not ready for anything serious. I would gladly go back to our friendship, before all this happened, it is a shame we lost years of good moments because of two dates...
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 (edited) I am in a relationship with a man who left his marriage. He thought he was ready to date after 2 years only to then reconsider when our relationship started to become more serious. It was between 3-4 years from his separation before he was ready to be in another relationship. No matter how amicable the separation/divorce, you would be wise not to underestimate the transition and the grieving that comes from such a major life decision. Edited October 7, 2022 by BaileyB 3
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 Just now, Asking1 said: I would gladly go back to our friendship, before all this happened, it is a shame we lost years of good moments because of two dates... Give it time. He may reconnect with time, but for now I would give him some space before reaching out again. I’m sorry. 1
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Give it time. He may reconnect with time, but for now I would give him some space before reaching out again. I’m sorry. Thank you
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I am in a relationship with a man who left his marriage. He thought he was ready to date after 2 years only to then reconsidered when he realized it had the potential to be more serious. It was between 3-4 years from his separation before he was ready to be in another relationship. No matter how amicable the separation/divorce, you would be wise not to underestimate the transition and the grieving that comes from such a major life decision. You are absolutely right, I might have taken for granted the fact that he ended the relationship and all the confusion that this change brought into his life after 10 years with his partner. Thank you for sharing this.
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Asking1 said: You are absolutely right, I might have taken for granted the fact that he ended the relationship and all the confusion that this change brought into his life after 10 years with his partner. Thank you for sharing this. I am proof positive that if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, I do believe that there is a time for everything. If you try to force it before he is ready (not that it sounds like that is what you are doing at all), it will not work. The only way that you win here is to let go and give him the time and the space that he needs. Hopefully, your friendship will endure. Maybe, he will eventually be ready for another relationship. But, a few months is nothing when talking about separation and divorce. My partner told me - “It’s been two years, but it was bad before that. Really, it feels like it’s been much longer.” I thought because he made the decision to end the marriage, that was another sign that he was done. I thought because there had been one other short relationship before me, that meant that he was steady to move on… But when he realized that he had found something that had the potential to be serious… he came to me and said that after a lot of thought, he had realized he needed more time. He tells me know, had we stayed together then it would not have lasted. So, I tend to think that it will happen if/when it’s meant to happen. But some things can not be rushed… perhaps going out with you made him realize that he wasn’t actually ready even though he thought he was… Edited October 7, 2022 by BaileyB 2
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Asking1 said: You are absolutely right, I might have taken for granted the fact that he ended the relationship and all the confusion that this change brought into his life after 10 years with his partner. Thank you for sharing this. Time to heal before a new relationship depends on 1. how the relationship was and it’s length 2. how it ended. Was it unexpected by one 3. how much experience they had in relationships and dating outside this relationship 4. how did the break up and severing ties go? Was it easy or hard? How certain was the ending? Are they still tied together like sharing kids? if you had a long relationship that had more of a slow fade before ending it usually is easier to recover after it ends. If it was sudden and came out of the blue it’s scarring. Edited October 7, 2022 by Ami1uwant 1
NuevoYorko Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 5 hours ago, Asking1 said: I would gladly go back to our friendship, before all this happened, it is a shame we lost years of good moments because of two dates... Where did you get the impression that you've been "waiting so long to be together"? Your description of the relationship you've had with this guy doesn't give that impression. You said you'd known him for years and always got along well. That hardly sounds like a great loss, more of a friendly acquaintance. Clearly he was interested enough to ask you out twice, but I agree with others who've said that he's not ready to date now. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 He is not ready for someone new in his life at this time, and his interest level is too low. I would not hold my breath for this one, OP. Who knows, he and his ex might be working on trying again. I would not reach out to him anymore. He will be in touch if he wants to see you, but I wouldn't put yourself on hold for him. 1 1
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 7 hours ago, BaileyB said: I am proof positive that if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, I do believe that there is a time for everything. If you try to force it before he is ready (not that it sounds like that is what you are doing at all), it will not work. The only way that you win here is to let go and give him the time and the space that he needs. Hopefully, your friendship will endure. Maybe, he will eventually be ready for another relationship. But, a few months is nothing when talking about separation and divorce. My partner told me - “It’s been two years, but it was bad before that. Really, it feels like it’s been much longer.” I thought because he made the decision to end the marriage, that was another sign that he was done. I thought because there had been one other short relationship before me, that meant that he was steady to move on… But when he realized that he had found something that had the potential to be serious… he came to me and said that after a lot of thought, he had realized he needed more time. He tells me know, had we stayed together then it would not have lasted. So, I tend to think that it will happen if/when it’s meant to happen. But some things can not be rushed… perhaps going out with you made him realize that he wasn’t actually ready even though he thought he was… Thank you so much for this, I do feel you are right and that this is the answer. Reading what you wrote, I now remember small signs that indicate that he was indeed more affected by this major change than he wanted to show. I wouldn't want to start something now only to see everything falling apart in a few months. And I am going through grieving after family loss myself, no need to add this too. Like you said, if it's meant to be, it will eventually happen. The feelings have always been there between us throughout the years, we will see if they endure a little bit more or not. Thank you, really, for your kind answers.
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: Time to heal before a new relationship depends on 1. how the relationship was and it’s length 2. how it ended. Was it unexpected by one 3. how much experience they had in relationships and dating outside this relationship 4. how did the break up and severing ties go? Was it easy or hard? How certain was the ending? Are they still tied together like sharing kids? if you had a long relationship that had more of a slow fade before ending it usually is easier to recover after it ends. If it was sudden and came out of the blue it’s scarring. Thank you for your reply. It was a slow fade in this case, they gradually separated throughout the last couple of years when they realised all was left was friendship and there was no future for more. They are still friends, they have no kids. But he is a person who had a very stable life and change is very perturbing. In three months he became single for the first time in more than a decade, he took a new job that he doesn't like, left his comfortable home for a new city he hasn't adapted to after living 20 years in the same place.
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Where did you get the impression that you've been "waiting so long to be together"? Your description of the relationship you've had with this guy doesn't give that impression. You said you'd known him for years and always got along well. That hardly sounds like a great loss, more of a friendly acquaintance. Clearly he was interested enough to ask you out twice, but I agree with others who've said that he's not ready to date now. I was scarce in details. We have been good friends and we shared our feelings for each other throughout the years and our wish to be together. But the conditions were not there until recently, as I had to go away for a few years, for family and work. We were a continent away until now.
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: He is not ready for someone new in his life at this time, and his interest level is too low. I would not hold my breath for this one, OP. Who knows, he and his ex might be working on trying again. I would not reach out to him anymore. He will be in touch if he wants to see you, but I wouldn't put yourself on hold for him. Thank you. Yes, it could be that too.
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 9 hours ago, Asking1 said: Thank you for your reply. It was a slow fade in this case, they gradually separated throughout the last couple of years when they realised all was left was friendship and there was no future for more. They are still friends, they have no kids. But he is a person who had a very stable life and change is very perturbing. In three months he became single for the first time in more than a decade, he took a new job that he doesn't like, left his comfortable home for a new city he hasn't adapted to after living 20 years in the same place. He could be saying it was, but the way it ended dtill could have shocked him. All relationships go up and down 1 1
glows Posted October 7, 2022 Posted October 7, 2022 12 hours ago, Asking1 said: I was scarce in details. We have been good friends and we shared our feelings for each other throughout the years and our wish to be together. Were both of you in an EA (emotional affair) while he was still living with /partnered with his ex?
Author Asking1 Posted October 7, 2022 Author Posted October 7, 2022 35 minutes ago, glows said: Were both of you in an EA (emotional affair) while he was still living with /partnered with his ex? We didn't start an EA back then, as neither of us wanted to have this kind of a (shady) relationship. I was about to move abroad and I didn't want a long distance relationship. Instead we decided to see how we feel for each other once and if I was back. Once I returned and we met again this year, things started so well, he seemed so happy to be together, and all seemed to finally fall into place, being both single now and about to move to the same city again. Last time we met, he said he couldn't wait for me to finally move and be close to him and to start planning our first vacation together (I live two hours away now). So his silence afterwards, not replying to my text message about his new job and our upcoming dinner left me feeling lost and confused. We always communicated so well, so openly.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2022 Posted October 8, 2022 6 hours ago, Asking1 said: Once I returned and we met again this year, things started so well, he seemed so happy to be together To clarify, was he still with his ex then?
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2022 Posted October 8, 2022 9 hours ago, Asking1 said: I live two hours away now. So his silence afterwards, not replying to my text message Sorry this happened. It sounds disappointing. However, keeping something alive for decades with all sorts of obstacles can be different in reality than it has been in our minds all this time. Just step back and regroup. 2 hours seems close but it's still quite a distance. Take this time to evaluate why you've chosen impossible and difficult situations rather than being open to more realistic ones. 1
glows Posted October 8, 2022 Posted October 8, 2022 13 hours ago, Asking1 said: We didn't start an EA back then, as neither of us wanted to have this kind of a (shady) relationship. I was about to move abroad and I didn't want a long distance relationship. Instead we decided to see how we feel for each other once and if I was back. Once I returned and we met again this year, things started so well, he seemed so happy to be together, and all seemed to finally fall into place, being both single now and about to move to the same city again. Last time we met, he said he couldn't wait for me to finally move and be close to him and to start planning our first vacation together (I live two hours away now). So his silence afterwards, not replying to my text message about his new job and our upcoming dinner left me feeling lost and confused. We always communicated so well, so openly. He doesn’t sound reliable and this is also holding you back from living fully. I mean this in a way two people might otherwise share their lives openly. I would find it very difficult to justify waiting as it goes against the principle of living well, in my mind. You’re walking on eggshells and afraid to approach him too… why? He’s an adult fully capable of making decisions and dealing hands on with the things he starts. Why should you expect anything less? I understand you care about him but you have needs too such as reliable and consistent communication, openness, being vulnerable and mindful of each others’ feelings. If he can’t live up to that he’s not a good choice. Don’t settle for anything less. 1
Author Asking1 Posted October 8, 2022 Author Posted October 8, 2022 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: To clarify, was he still with his ex then? No, they had already broken up
Author Asking1 Posted October 8, 2022 Author Posted October 8, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. It sounds disappointing. However, keeping something alive for decades with all sorts of obstacles can be different in reality than it has been in our minds all this time. Just step back and regroup. 2 hours seems close but it's still quite a distance. Take this time to evaluate why you've chosen impossible and difficult situations rather than being open to more realistic ones. Thank you 1
Author Asking1 Posted October 8, 2022 Author Posted October 8, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: He doesn’t sound reliable and this is also holding you back from living fully. I mean this in a way two people might otherwise share their lives openly. I would find it very difficult to justify waiting as it goes against the principle of living well, in my mind. You’re walking on eggshells and afraid to approach him too… why? He’s an adult fully capable of making decisions and dealing hands on with the things he starts. Why should you expect anything less? I understand you care about him but you have needs too such as reliable and consistent communication, openness, being vulnerable and mindful of each others’ feelings. If he can’t live up to that he’s not a good choice. Don’t settle for anything less. You are right, thank you. I can't justify the waiting to myself anymore. We are not teenagers, we are both mature people. Maybe one could expect this when casual dating in their 20s, but I find it impossible to understand from someone who is 40 and used to be a friend. We should know better what respect is, if not anything else. 1
Recommended Posts