Maldives Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) What is it that you do for work that makes it so difficult to have a relationship? Are you a spy or something? Lol Edited October 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed long quote 1
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I'll be frank and honest intimacy I struggle with but I try. Everything about me just seems so unsuited to dating, I loved going away for a weekend with her, I love the thought she puts into everything, she has shown me such kindness, really done things I'll never forget, like surprising me with a cake for my birthday, it sounds ridiculous but that meant so much, nobody has ever done that before. My entire life is geared toward others, there is very little appreciation for any of it so it was nice to be on the receiving end of appreciation. Can I ask what you have done for her in return?
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Fundamentally I guess I am just a loner. Have you gone to counseling?
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 9 hours ago, ZA Dater said: This is an almost impossible task due to the sheer volume of diverse responsibility I have. I do however try. If your family and work will fall into a hole without your presence, then you have been remiss in not ensuring that load is spread in order to keep those things sustainable long term. What if you get hit by a truck tomorrow? Who is going to pick up the load? When you manage your responsibilities well, you will also find that you have time to commit to a relationship. Also, I note that you opened by saying that you've never had a relationship. What term do you use to describe the connection with the lady you've been seeing these many months? 2
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2022 Author Posted October 5, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: If your family and work will fall into a hole without your presence, then you have been remiss in not ensuring that load is spread in order to keep those things sustainable long term. What if you get hit by a truck tomorrow? Who is going to pick up the load? When you manage your responsibilities well, you will also find that you have time to commit to a relationship. Also, I note that you opened by saying that you've never had a relationship. What term do you use to describe the connection with the lady you've been seeing these many months? The problem is I generally don't connect with people easily, having said that though she is fully involved in what I do in my spare time, I take interest in what she does. Again I can't help but think I am better suited in general as a friend to people.
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 26 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: The problem is I generally don't connect with people easily, having said that though she is fully involved in what I do in my spare time, I take interest in what she does. Again I can't help but think I am better suited in general as a friend to people. You opened the post citing lack of time as the problem and now you're saying that the problem is you don't connect easily with others. Are both things true, or just one of them true and the other is an excuse?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2022 Author Posted October 5, 2022 2 hours ago, basil67 said: You opened the post citing lack of time as the problem and now you're saying that the problem is you don't connect easily with others. Are both things true, or just one of them true and the other is an excuse? Both are true. Problems to greater and lesser degrees. Slept on this or rather didn't sleep. Reality is if her mind is made up then there is not much I can do to change it. Planned something really nice for us next week but looks like I'll be going on my own. Maybe I am an truly more stupid than even i give myself credit for, there are things I am sort of good at but to think at 38 I could try pick up dating may have truly been the most foolish idea yet.
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 @ZA Dater She's told you that she wants things to escalate - to have a more committed relationship. You've been seeing her for many months and this is the regular progression of a relationship. But you're speaking as if she's about to leave you. Thing is, people who are about to leave don't try and work through problems with their partner. Rather, they get fed up and just walk out the door. Importantly, what exactly does "escalation" and "commitment" mean in her eyes? Becoming official bf/gf? Sex? Moving in together? Are these things you also want with her? 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2022 Author Posted October 5, 2022 18 minutes ago, basil67 said: @ZA Dater She's told you that she wants things to escalate - to have a more committed relationship. You've been seeing her for many months and this is the regular progression of a relationship. But you're speaking as if she's about to leave you. Thing is, people who are about to leave don't try and work through problems with their partner. Rather, they get fed up and just walk out the door. Importantly, what exactly does "escalation" and "commitment" mean in her eyes? Becoming official bf/gf? Sex? Moving in together? Are these things you also want with her? Well lack of communication is not exactly a great indicator. She is more upset because things haven't escalated. She has for most purposes just walked out at least that is my perception. Official, that has been brought up before but again I am not seeing the purpose or reason.
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 Oh dear, so she gave lack of escalation as the reason she left? I'm so sorry. 57 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Official, that has been brought up before but again I am not seeing the purpose or reason. Becoming official means that she wants to be known as your girlfriend or partner. It's about the verbal commitment you make to each other and the purpose or reason for this is emotional security and knowing that you are on the same page as each other in terms of affection for each other and a desire to jointly explore the future. It may also mean moving in together or getting engaged. In your past threads about dating her, you never mentioned sex when the topic was raised. I don't know if it's because you're discreet or because it wasn't happening. If you were being discreet, ignore what I am about to write. But if it wasn't happening, this would also have been an issue in her getting fed up. That she'd want sex is something which was flagged repeatedly during your previous post. If we are fond of a partner, we want to feel physically close, physically loved and of course enjoy giving physical pleasure. Of course, there could be religious reasons why sex doesn't happen but for this to work, the couple need to be on the same page and jointly look forward to when it happens after they marry. All this said, perhaps you didn't really see her in your future and that's why you didn't act on those things. If so, she's make the right decision. She's free to find someone who wants a future with her and you're free to give your future to someone who you really want to give it to. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2022 Author Posted October 5, 2022 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: Oh dear, so she gave lack of escalation as the reason she left? I'm so sorry. Becoming official means that she wants to be known as your girlfriend or partner. It's about the verbal commitment you make to each other and the purpose or reason for this is emotional security and knowing that you are on the same page as each other in terms of affection for each other and a desire to jointly explore the future. It may also mean moving in together or getting engaged. In your past threads about dating her, you never mentioned sex when the topic was raised. I don't know if it's because you're discreet or because it wasn't happening. If you were being discreet, ignore what I am about to write. But if it wasn't happening, this would also have been an issue in her getting fed up. That she'd want sex is something which was flagged repeatedly during your previous post. If we are fond of a partner, we want to feel physically close, physically loved and of course enjoy giving physical pleasure. Of course, there could be religious reasons why sex doesn't happen but for this to work, the couple need to be on the same page and jointly look forward to when it happens after they marry. All this said, perhaps you didn't really see her in your future and that's why you didn't act on those things. If so, she's make the right decision. She's free to find someone who wants a future with her and you're free to give your future to someone who you really want to give it to. See here a lot my shortcomings are exposed, I have said many times on this forum that I think I make a better friend than a partner and the bold really just emphasizes that point, in my mind when I am taking someone on weekends away, going to dinners, introducing them to my world, sharing my life its a given that I see them as a partner. The other fundamental problem, I have spent years and years on my own, doing what I want when I want and its easy to see how hard it would be to transition out of that. As for affection, I am not an affectionate person at all, another reason I am better as the platonic friend. Unfortunately the hard knocks of life have taught me that what we want is seldom actually what we actually get. I like the idea of building something with her though, there are lots of things I adore about her but I cant help feeling that I am the one failing at this. Part of me wants to put her first and take the pain of missing out on building anything because I know how flawed I am and how difficult it would be to build anything with me and ultimately she can do a lot better than me. My judgement is also very flawed at the moment, family member is gravely ill after an emergency operation yesterday. One thing I know I might regret not trying more than I would regret trying but I need to somehow try mitigate everything that is bad about me, that is a very tall order.
Weezy1973 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 @ZA Dater It’s the same story as when you were single honestly. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. These things are holding you back. You designed your life so you didn’t have to confront your fears, and despite being very busy, your endless posts on here were testament to how empty a busy life can be. Now you’ve met someone that fills some of that void and yes, that has triggered those fears (as many of us told you would happen). You now are faced with the choice of overcoming your fears or succumbing to them. Spoiler alert: succumbing to your fears doesn’t end well. And if you do choose to face those fears, tell her. Tell her you’re afraid that you’re not a great partner, but that you want to be because she’s worth it. Tell her you’ve always dismissed therapy as useless but are now ready to go to help you be a better romantic partner for her. There’s a movie called “As Good as it Gets” and the main character has a bunch of mental issues that makes it hard for him to connect with people. Then he meets a woman and he falls for her and at a certain point in the movie her tells her “You make me want to be a better man.” And that’s the choice you can make. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted October 5, 2022 Author Posted October 5, 2022 29 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: @ZA Dater It’s the same story as when you were single honestly. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. These things are holding you back. You designed your life so you didn’t have to confront your fears, and despite being very busy, your endless posts on here were testament to how empty a busy life can be. Now you’ve met someone that fills some of that void and yes, that has triggered those fears (as many of us told you would happen). You now are faced with the choice of overcoming your fears or succumbing to them. Spoiler alert: succumbing to your fears doesn’t end well. And if you do choose to face those fears, tell her. Tell her you’re afraid that you’re not a great partner, but that you want to be because she’s worth it. Tell her you’ve always dismissed therapy as useless but are now ready to go to help you be a better romantic partner for her. There’s a movie called “As Good as it Gets” and the main character has a bunch of mental issues that makes it hard for him to connect with people. Then he meets a woman and he falls for her and at a certain point in the movie her tells her “You make me want to be a better man.” And that’s the choice you can make. Lots of people make me want to be better, point is it will take a lifetime to be the bare minimum of what people seem to want. I have told her pretty much exactly what you said, more than that I cannot do l. My life is about helping others frankly and I always come second to that. Apparently she needs time to think so I am going to just give space.
BrinnM Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 What does escalation refer to? Have you had sex yet?
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 You don't need to do any grand gestures, or spill your guts. Just do things in baby steps....one foot in front of the other. 1
BaileyB Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 4 hours ago, ZA Dater said: It will take a lifetime to be the bare minimum of what people seem to want. My life is about helping others frankly and I always come second to that. I’m not sure how you developed such limiting beliefs, but neither are particularly true for anyone. 2
bene Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 8 hours ago, ZA Dater said: My life is about helping others frankly and I always come second to that. Do you believe these others want you to give up living your own life for them? Do they even know the cost of helping them? Maybe they’d be happy to see you doing things for you? I think you have actually evolved quite a bit in interpersonal relationships after you started seeing this woman, there is clear progress compared to your earlier threads. 1
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Posted October 5, 2022 16 hours ago, ZA Dater said: in my mind when I am taking someone on weekends away, going to dinners, introducing them to my world, sharing my life its a given that I see them as a partner. This is brilliant work on your part. And yes, they should know that you see them as a partner. But let me take it a little further, do you bring her as a plus one to events? Has she met your friends and family? Has there been talk of the future? Importantly, do you love her, and if so, have you told her? Has she said that she loves you? 16 hours ago, ZA Dater said: As for affection, I am not an affectionate person at all, another reason I am better as the platonic friend. I'm asking the following without judgement: when you say that you're not affectionate, what does this describe? I'm pretty sure you mentioned kissing her in your previous thread. Did you enjoy that or was it uncomfortable for you? Do you have a sexual desire for women in general or are you possibly asexual? Or perhaps you have sensory issues where you don't like being touched? Again, no judgement on my part. Alternately, it could also be that you do have a sexual desire for women, but this woman in particular didn't get you going in that way. It can happen that we simply don't have sexual attraction for the nicest and kindest people and maybe that happened for you. 12 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I have told her pretty much exactly what you said, more than that I cannot do You wrote the above in response to the comment >>Tell her you’ve always dismissed therapy as useless but are now ready to go to help you be a better romantic partner for her.<<. Are you willing to get therapy if it means being able to be the partner she wants?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 9, 2022 Author Posted October 9, 2022 It's done " I think it's best we just be friends '
glows Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 6 hours ago, ZA Dater said: It's done " I think it's best we just be friends ' I’m sorry to hear this. Best for a clean break away if this is the case. Find support among your actual friends. This is a recent ex. She’s not a friend.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 9, 2022 Author Posted October 9, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: I’m sorry to hear this. Best for a clean break away if this is the case. Find support among your actual friends. This is a recent ex. She’s not a friend. I have no friends.
glows Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I have no friends. Then stay busy and no contact.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 9, 2022 Author Posted October 9, 2022 11 minutes ago, glows said: Then stay busy and no contact. Why I want to try again. I purely messed this up based on a lack of experience which I guess just proves that having no experience is a total deal breaker.
glows Posted October 9, 2022 Posted October 9, 2022 Just now, ZA Dater said: Why I want to try again. I purely messed this up based on a lack of experience which I guess just proves that having no experience is a total deal breaker. Sometimes but it’s not always the case. It takes two to reconcile or make up. Has she said she wants to try again?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 9, 2022 Author Posted October 9, 2022 33 minutes ago, glows said: Sometimes but it’s not always the case. It takes two to reconcile or make up. Has she said she wants to try again? She does not seem to want to.
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