What did I do wrong?

[Seekinghappydays2000]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If this post was for me, @Seekinghappydays2000 virtually every person responding in this thread felt you pushed too hard.

You didn't make a "big fool of yourself," yes you made some errors by not reading him correctly and backing off, but that is how you learn!  

By making mistakes and learning therefrom.

If this had been me, I would have backed off the SECOND he started distancing himself after the trip and making excuses.  I might have chosen to simply wish him well and walk away.

Clearly things had changed for him and by attempting to stay connected, again all you succeeded in doing was pushing him further away.

I am sorry you find this harsh, I don't think it is, I think it's a great learning opportunity.

Your choice, good luck.

 

I have very low self esteem and already struggle with self love. This experience seems to just have confirmed my subconscious beliefs that I'm truly not loveable. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Seekinghappydays2000

[Seekinghappydays2000]

I don't intend to ever reach out to him again. 

 

But do you think not reaching out to him would at least redeem what's left of my tattered image in his mind?

 

I told him i would respect his desires and honour them. Do you think he doubts i can actually do without talking to him given my history with him? 

[mark clemson]

The simple thing to do is let him go. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy," particularly WRT to breakups, but nonetheless your course is clear here. Chasing, pining, none of that will get you anywhere.

There are other fish in the sea. In the meantime, grow comfortable being on your own so you can feel more secure for the start of your next potential relationship. There are men who like a lot of "closeness." This guy wasn't right for you, and all the chasing in the world wouldn't have fixed it.

Edited October 3, 2022 by mark clemson

[Seekinghappydays2000]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

The simple thing to do is let him go. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy," particularly WRT to breakups, but nonetheless your course is clear here. Chasing, pining, none of that will get you anywhere.

There are other fish in the sea. In the meantime, grow comfortable being on your own so you can feel more secure for the start of your next potential relationship. There are men who like a lot of "closeness." This guy wasn't right for you, and all the chasing in the world wouldn't have fixed it.

Thanks for your response.

I don't intend to ever reach out to him again. 

 

But do you think not reaching out to him would at least redeem what's left of my tattered image in his mind?

 

I told him i would respect his desires and honour them. Do you think he doubts i can actually do without talking to him given my history with him?

[mark clemson]

3 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

But do you think not reaching out to him would at least redeem what's left of my tattered image in his mind?

I told him i would respect his desires and honour them. Do you think he doubts i can actually do without talking to him given my history with him?

We have only heard your side of the story. I have no solid idea what he may or may not be thinking and could only offer guesses.

However, I would ask - if you're never going to be in touch again, what does it really matter.

He has a different attachment style (I suspect) and level of interest in the relationship. He was never going to be right for you LT, it only "worked" for the short fling it ended up being.

It's easier said than done, but just let this go and move on.

[mark clemson]

Despite your emotional "need" - don't cling to "just anything". Look for someone who's on the same page as you WRT dating and relationship goals and attachment style.

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:.

I don't intend to ever reach out to him again. 

This is the best course of action. No contact, and block him from contacting you.

 

4 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

But do you think not reaching out to him would at least redeem what's left of my tattered image in his mind?

For him, I doubt it matters. He lost interest. I doubt he’s imagining you at all on his mind. 

 

6 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 

I told him i would respect his desires and honour them. Do you think he doubts i can actually do without talking to him given my history with him?

I don’t think he cares. He lost interest. That’s what happens when dating. You get to know each other and both decide to keep moving forward or one or both choose not to. It happens all the time. The reason this is impacting you so much has nothing to do with him. It’s do to with your insecurities and self worth issues that existed prior to meeting him. You need to fix that before dating, or these incidences, which realistically aren’t that big a deal, will continue to impact your emotional well-being.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Meanwhile, I was dealing with finding a new place, the end of an abusive marriage with a man I had been codependent with, being a mother to our son and ensuring he feels love and unimpacted by the separation and handling work matters not to mention family issues. I never received any support from him even on basic matters like “hey what do you think about this new apartment over the other”.

 

43 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

His concern at the time was that he wanted me totally detached from my estranged husband whom I was separated from.

Look at the two quotes above.  Do you see the difference between what he needed and what you needed?   There's nothing at all in his words to suggest that he wanted to be an ongoing support for you.  And I'm not seeing a facade.  Rather, it sounds like he was very transparent about not wanting to get too involved when he realised just how much you still had to tidy up. 

 I understand that all the drama is over now, but due to the two of you being on such different pages in the previous months, it's too late. 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is the best course of action. No contact, and block him from contacting you.

 

For him, I doubt it matters. He lost interest. I doubt he’s imagining you at all on his mind. 

 

I don’t think he cares. He lost interest. That’s what happens when dating. You get to know each other and both decide to keep moving forward or one or both choose not to. It happens all the time. The reason this is impacting you so much has nothing to do with him. It’s do to with your insecurities and self worth issues that existed prior to meeting him. You need to fix that before dating, or these incidences, which realistically aren’t that big a deal, will continue to impact your emotional well-being.

I decided during the relationship or whatever it was that if it didn'twork out, I would give up on love. Which is why it is particularly devastating. It feels like it signals the end of many things heart related.  Not an optimistic outlook considering I'm 34. I don't know if I have the capacity to open up my heart to another man.

 

 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

55 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Look at the two quotes above.  Do you see the difference between what he needed and what you needed?   There's nothing at all in his words to suggest that he wanted to be an ongoing support for you.  And I'm not seeing a facade.  Rather, it sounds like he was very transparent about not wanting to get too involved when he realised just how much you still had to tidy up. 

 I understand that all the drama is over now, but due to the two of you being on such different pages in the previous months, it's too late. 

I didnt ask to cry on his shoulders or do that much for me really.

 

 

1. Asked him to help me select a new apartment based on videos I sent him. A request i made to other people who obliged.

 

2. Asked him if he would be willing to please take an attachment style test as I felt it would teach him a lot about himself. He agreed to take the test but ended up not doing so because "he didn't want to do any form of self analysis or assessment".

 

3. Once I was sick and wanted to speak to him to cheer me up. He failed me again.

 

I haven't made big requests of him...just regular things you can expect from someone close to you.

 

 

And I made it a habit to never discuss my estranged husband with him and nor dump all that load on him. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I decided during the relationship or whatever it was that if it didn'twork out, I would give up on love. Which is why it is particularly devastating. It feels like it signals the end of many things heart related.  Not an optimistic outlook considering I'm 34. I don't know if I have the capacity to open up my heart to another man.

This is why people seek therapy.  It's also why you found yourself in a toxic relationship with an abusive man.  It's all related to your low self-esteem and lack of self-love.

There is no reason to "give up" on love, that type of mindset is overly-dramatic, unnecessary and doesn't solve anything.

Lord if you know the BS I have experienced, in relationships way WAY longer than yours by YEARS, you might not feel so devastated by this one experience with a man you spent very very little time with.  Who was a mere blip in the grand scheme of things called your entire life.

I bounced back from those experiences, most people do.

So can you, and so WILL you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I will give you some advice my mom gave me -- stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and carry on, for yourself and your son.  You owe him (your son) that, don't you think?

You are stronger than you think, I promise you.

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Seekinghappydays2000]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is the best course of action. No contact, and block him from contacting you.

 

For him, I doubt it matters. He lost interest. I doubt he’s imagining you at all on his mind. 

 

I don’t think he cares. He lost interest. That’s what happens when dating. You get to know each other and both decide to keep moving forward or one or both choose not to. It happens all the time. The reason this is impacting you so much has nothing to do with him. It’s do to with your insecurities and self worth issues that existed prior to meeting him. You need to fix that before dating, or these incidences, which realistically aren’t that big a deal, will continue to impact your emotional well-being.

Why does it matter if I block him? Based on everything I've read on this thread seems the general idea is the guy can't stand me. So wondering if it makes a difference to block him or not.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Why does it matter if I block him? Based on everything I've read on this thread seems the general idea is the guy can't stand me. So wondering if it makes a difference to block him or not.

Block him for you, for your own peace of mind, so you're not jumping every time you receive a text or call and hoping it's him.

That only keeps you STUCK and prevents you from moving on

 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Why does it matter if I block him? Based on everything I've read on this thread seems the general idea is the guy can't stand me. So wondering if it makes a difference to block him or not.

The bolded is more of the over-dramatic mindset.  I don't think anyone has suggested anything remotely like 'he can't stand you'  It's just that it wasn't working for him and he distanced himself.  

Anyway, you block him so that he can't come back into you life and cause you more upset.  Consider the blocking to be like putting a fence up between you.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Anyway, you block him so that he can't come back into you life...

I know what you're thinking OP.  That the above is reason to NOT block, so he can come back into your life.  Lol, I know all the tricks the mind can play on you.

I very highly doubt he is going to contact you, so you're not blocking for that.

Again, block him for you, so every time a text comes in, your heart doesn't drop hoping it's him, which only serves to keep you stuck and prevents you from moving on with your life.

You're allowing this person too much space in your head, block him and be done with it once and for all.

Choose to be happy.  Choose to be at peace.  And it IS a choice.

For both yourself and your son.

Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I didnt ask to cry on his shoulders or do that much for me really.

1. Asked him to help me select a new apartment based on videos I sent him. A request i made to other people who obliged.

2. Asked him if he would be willing to please take an attachment style test as I felt it would teach him a lot about himself. He agreed to take the test but ended up not doing so because "he didn't want to do any form of self analysis or assessment".

3. Once I was sick and wanted to speak to him to cheer me up. He failed me again.

I haven't made big requests of him...just regular things you can expect from someone close to you.

And I made it a habit to never discuss my estranged husband with him and nor dump all that load on him. 

To be fair, a few of us have interpreted your actions as described in your first post as potentially suffocating. But this seems the opposite.  It's kind of hard to know where the truth lies.

But of these examples

1. Note that he didn't offer to help you select a new apartment.  It's best to ask help of those who appear interested...such as your friends. 

2. Yeah nah, my husband wouldn't an attachment style thing either as he feels much the same as this guy.  Because I know how he feels, I respect that.  There's nothing wrong with him refusing to do a DIY analysis thing which he has no interest in   Let's face it, even if he had done it to humour you, the answers would have been given without much thought and the whole exercise would have been pointless.  

3. Assuming that he wasn't busy on a deadline, were you sick at a time when he was distancing himself from you?  If so, his actions remained consistent.

[poppyfields]

44 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I didnt ask to cry on his shoulders or do that much for me really.

1. Asked him to help me select a new apartment based on videos I sent him. A request i made to other people who obliged.

2. Asked him if he would be willing to please take an attachment style test as I felt it would teach him a lot about himself. He agreed to take the test but ended up not doing so because "he didn't want to do any form of self analysis or assessment".

3. Once I was sick and wanted to speak to him to cheer me up. He failed me again.

Did you ask for these things before or after your in person visit?  If it was after, when he was distancing himself and making excuses to not talk to you and see you, then these requests, as minor as they seem, were too much.

He most likely looked upon those requests as you being too needy, that is how a disinterested person looks upon such requests.

My guess is HE was hoping by distancing himself and making excuses to not see you and even talk to you, you would heed the message he was no longer interested in pursuing anything and back off, or simply let the whole thing fade.

While you on the other hand, were thinking this was the beginning of a great romance!

You were in two completely different headspaces after your visit, can you see that now?

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

if it didn'twork out, I would give up on love.

Nooo, don’t tie your happiness to that one failed situationship. Make your son the love of your life for now. Build a life with him, help him through the divorce, help him get accustomed to the (new) parenting schedule, and so forth. You’re building a new life. That’s exciting! A whole new life as a single parent! You don’t need a man just yet. You’ll be so busy, and once you’ve gained more and more confidence, because you can do it all, and all by yourself, you’ll feel so much better about yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

1. Asked him to help me select a new apartment based on videos I sent him. A request i made to other people who obliged.

2. sked him if he would be willing to please take an attachment style test as I felt it would teach him a lot about himself. He agreed to take the test but ended up not doing so because "he didn't want to do any form of self analysis or assessment".

3. Once I was sick and wanted to speak to him to cheer me up. He failed me again.

This is all too much to ask of someone you are not dating, OP. Especially the second point. That's for established couples, not for two people who actually don't know each other very well. It's also quite presumptuous of you to assume this would teach him a lot about himself - he knows himself already. He doesn't need a test to figure it out. It was you who wasn't comfortable with this very casual arrangement, but that doesn't mean he needs to learn about himself. 

You treated this like a relationship, but it just wasn't. It was a man you met in person...once? Look, he lost interest quite a while ago and while you pushed to make this an insta-relationship, he was likely hoping you would take the hint and leave him be. He should have been honest with you, but you also should have read between the lines there that he wasn't into you that way. 

This all reads to me like you're desperately searching for that emotional life-raft after your marriage ended. You are grasping around looking for comfort and some sense of security, but you are looking in the wrong places by trying to slot this man into your life to fill the void. You can find love again, but you have to be more responsible with your heart and not set yourself up for failure by attaching too quickly to someone you are not actually dating. 

Time to end all contact with him. Don't reach out to him anymore. Block and delete and work on healing from the end of your marriage. Then you will be in the right head-space to date. 

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I didnt realise I was being needy and pushy by wanting some level of consistency and reliability ? Is that too much to ask of a man?

I guess I ruined everything like you said. I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

You didn't ruin everything. And you'll get over this experience because you've been through worse and survived.

I think he lost interest for whatever reason (as happens in probably 90% of dating situations--so it's normal; it doesn't mean you're unlovable) and instead of telling you directly, tried to do the slow fade, hoping you'd take the hint and go away. 

Me, personally, I'm not a fan of the slow fade because it is possible to misinterpret the other person's actions, continue making an effort, then end up feeling humiliated once you figure out he's checked out. I wish folks would just be honest and straightforward about not wanting to continue a relationship or friendship. But realistically, my wishing it doesn't mean it's going to happen. That's why it's in the best interest of every human being (including me, you) to learn to read between the lines and to figure out when someone isn't right for them based on his actions.

There's nothing wrong with wanting consistency and reliability in a dating situation. In fact, I'm happy for you that you know what you want. Those things matter to you, so you should observe the person you're dating to see if he displays them. If he doesn't, i.e., if he reads a message then takes ages to respond to it, or if he tells you you should ask him direct questions rather than making assumptions then ignores you when you ask direct questions, it is perfectly okay for you to say this is not the right person for you and to shut that door.

Now, I think your reaction to being rejected ("I will never love again;" and "I am unlovable") is extreme. And it tells me you're not ready to date yet. You need to spend some time getting counselling and getting to know yourself outside the context of an abusive relationship. It will take time. Dating can be quite brutal for most folks, and if your self-esteem is low, you have no business subjecting yourself to it just yet.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 wanting some level of consistency and reliability ? 

There's nothing wrong with that, but a therapist and attorney and domestic abuse hotlines could help you with that. A long distance fling is a fun distraction, but not a reliable form of support through the throes of divorce.

[Seekinghappydays2000]

I guess I misread everything. I genuinely thought the only stumbling block to a relationship was my ties with my estranged husband. This man i was seeing even asked me how long it would take to tidy things up at home. And that even if we were casual, he wanted something meaningful.

 

 

We shared very good times together and bonded a lot not only in person but over the phone. I didnt for a second regard him as a fling. He was the first man I'd been intimate with but in over 8 years and he knew this.

 

And even if he lost interest in me, he should have told me instead of doing what I now recognise is the slow fade. I asked him a few times if the issue was me and encouraged him to be upfront but he always had an excuse such as "there are only very people I talk to on the phone for 30mins-1hour amd you're one of them.

 

"Nobody can reach me consistently except maybe my close family members so this is the way I am to everyone not just you".

 

He gave me those bitecrumbs of assurance that made me feel somewhat special inspite of his hectic schedule/avoidance/unavailability.

In August  after a 2 week period of not speaking to him, he sent me a message asking if wencouod talk that day. I responded saying sure we could. He never called that day (said he had fires to put out) or for then next few days. Eventually he called after i asked him if we were planning to have the call he proposed.

 

But now after reading this thread, I realise it was just a fling to him and he was distancing himself so I would dump him rather than him doing the dirty work. He didn't even accord me the respect of a phone call to deliver the news.

 

I've been nothing but supportive and kind to him.Ll Sometimes I tried to lean on him for support- was that such a bad thing? 

 

I accept now that i probably repulse him and he has lost respect for me. It hurts cos this is  someone I really cared about. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 Sometimes I tried to lean on him for support- was that such a bad thing? 

It's not good or bad, it's just not effective for  a complex situation such as exiting an abusive situation and being in the throes of divorce, relocating, custody, etc.. A therapist and attorney can help you much more with support along with trusted friends and family. A fling is a distraction, nothing more, nothing less. Try not to seek out a knight in shining armor right now. Instead focus on navigating your situation to come out ok on the other side.

[Seekinghappydays2000]

Hi Guys,

 

Really need some support and understanding in knowing where I went wrong here. It is a very long story but I will try to summarise it to the best of my ability.

 

I am a 34 year old woman involved with a 42 year old man. He has no kids and has never been married. But he was engaged in 2016 and broke it off because according to him, his fiancé changed and therapy did nothing to help their issues. So he suggested postponing the wedding (2 months before the scheduled date) nut his finance gave him an ultimatum – we are either going ahead with the wedding now or saying goodbye to this relationship.  He chose to end the relationship rather than go ahead with the wedding happening 2 months away.

 

I separated from my estranged husband earlier this year- he was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive to me over the period of our 5 year marriage. We have a wonderful 5 year old son together.  He also extra marital affairs with many women (some whom he told me blatantly had nicer bodies than me) and had various sexual partners. We were already staying in separate rooms for 2 years before we officially separated this year.

Recently I met a man I really felt a connection with. He knew about everything that was happening including the abuse. We became friends and I naively believed he would be a source of strength in  navigating this painful process. We come from the same country, but he lives abroad. A few months ago, I flew abroad to see him and we spent 2 lovely weeks together.

 

When I got back, he got a bit distant but was still present. He went through a series of personal crises including a few deaths of extended family members and other things he never really shared with me. My understanding was that he was going through a series of personal, family and health issues that he always recovered from. Two weeks ago, he attended a film festival and seemed elated. A month before he attended another one and posted pics with his friends at a concert having a good time. I thought he was at least stable.

But our communication really changed for the worse and I really missed the connection but he seemed caught up in his world and when I expressed my needs  he accused me of not being sensitive enough.

He also had the habit of ignoring calls and not returning them until days later. When I spoke to him about it he said that "most people can't reach him consistently except maybe his close family members". And also that "I was one of the very few people he was having 30mins- 1hour conversations with. 

Meanwhile, I was dealing with finding a new place, the end of an abusive marriage with a man I had been codependent with, being a mother to our son and ensuring he feels love and unimpacted by the separation and handling work matters not to mention family issues. I never received any support from him even on basic matters like “hey what do you think about this new apartment over the other”.

 

He has this habit of disappearing/ not reaching out or reading messages and not responding until 24-36 hours later.

I found myself doing all the hard work in keeping us connected. I was contacting him on average once a week, mostly via whats app. If I wanted to talk to him on the phone, I would have to schedule pre book a call the day before to let him know. Even then, it would take days before the call eventually happened.

 

Last month, I decided I wouldn’t reach out anymore to see if he cared enough to check up on me. I did not contact him for THREE whole weeks. I didn’t hear a word from him. It was quite devastating but I played it cool.

 

I sent him a funny emoticon and a recoding of my son making funny jokes. He responded warmly and said he felt he needed to have a Q and A with him and asked how we were doing.

 

I responded telling him we were fine, things were getting better after a rough time, I had found a new apartment and was excited for new beginnings and then asked how he was doing.

 

24 hours later, he hadn’t responded.  So I sent him a quick message asking if we could talk tonight?

He said it would be kind of difficult to find time to talk  and mentioned they had lost another member of their family (the 2nd this year).

I expressed my deepest sympathy and sent kind words to him.

 

The next day in a bid to cheer him up I suggested we go on a nature holiday or trip somewhere as we both deserved it! Anyway! Vermont, Big Sur, Senegal, just someplace we would  have nice cocktails, dance, eat home cooked meals, relax, go hiking and adventuring  and reconnect with nature after everything we’ve been through.

He responded saying he appreciated the idea but right now he couldn’t just do it. He said he had duties to attend to and was not focusing on himself right now. And that such a trip wouldn’t happen for some time he didn’t think. But he appreciated the thought.

 

So I responded saying I understood that duty came first and that was fine.

 

But I wanted to know if he was still interested in maintaining a meaningful bond/ connection and if he wanted a place in my life and vice versa because I could not longer read him and needed him to give me a sense of where I stand.

 

He hadn’t responded by day 2 by which time my phone had shut down. So when he did respond I never received it.

 

So the next day I sent him a message from my other phone informing him that I never received his message if he did reply to me because the phone was out. He didn’t respond.

 

The next day I called him but there was no response. So I sent him a message that I had been trying to reach him since Saturday with no luck. Also asked him why he blocked his other phone. NO RESPONSE.

Next day, naturally I started feeling uneasy and vulnerable  sent him a message saying “hey good morning. I hope you are doing okay. I feel sad and confused by you going silent on me.. It is giving me “ghosting” “slow fading” vibes. You told me to stop making assumptions/ inferences and always ask directly about anything. So can you tell me what’s going on? Would appreciate a prompt response or a call might be better if you wish. – still no response that day.

 

The day after I sent him a picture of a bottle of whiskey and told him to remind me to tell him about it and spiraling because I felt he had been there before.

 

The next day (Sunday)  I saw him online (whats app) and tried calling him having received zero responses to any of my messages since Tuesday or so.  He didn’t pick up and I could see he was online. So I sent a message saying I needed to talk to him and asked if he was there?

 

He never answered the call but sent me this message a few minutes later :

 

“Lilian, I went camping to get away from it all and it seems like you won’t t let me be with myself. I responded to your other phone that that your question requires a conversation. Tried reaching you then realized it was down. But if somebody doesn’t respond you need to give the person time.

You know what I have been through but I don’t think we are aligned on what I need/is good for me. I blocked you because i asked you several times to not reach me there and you still do. I needed time alone camping and still you wouldn’t give me that. I think it best to just remain friends. I know you mean well, but this is not good for me. I need to prioritize my well-being. Perhaps formally being recognized as platonic friends will remove that pressure of having to reach me for emergencies or whatever might be. Wish you all the best. Sorry”

 

My heart was crushed. I didn’t even know he went camping. He never told me. Not even when I suggested we go on a trip together.

 

I responded in a  voice note but im too tired to even type out what I said.

 

What did I do wrong? Was I not patient enough? Is it excessive to expect a  simple response to a message within a reasonable time grame?  Bear in mind I didnt contact him for 3 weeks to see if he would reach out.  

 

Is he an avoidant? Did I mess things up? Please talk to me. I feel so sad and once again abandoned.

 

 

I figure he wants nothing to do with me anymore and it really hurts as I deeply cared for him..

 

Thanks for reading.

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

But now after reading this thread, I realise it was just a fling to him and he was distancing himself so I would dump him rather than him doing the dirty work.

It doesn’t have to have been a fling to him, for him to want things to end. Like a few of us have said, it might just have been regular dating / getting to know each other on the early stages, and for whatever reason he lost interest - which again is very common. Nothing unlovable about you.

As for the slow fade, not great, but also common, especially I suspect with long distance relationships. Focusing on him and the “why” is useless. It won’t bring you “closure”. That’s something you do for yourself. 
 

You’ve acknowledged you have issue with self worth and self esteem. What are you doing about that? Improving those things will put you on a better place to start dating.