What did I do wrong?

[Seekinghappydays2000]

Hi Guys,

 

Really need some support and understanding in knowing where I went wrong here. It is a very long story but I will try to summarise it to the best of my ability.

 

I am a 34 year old woman involved with a 42 year old man. He has no kids and has never been married. But he was engaged in 2016 and broke it off because according to him, his fiancé changed and therapy did nothing to help their issues. So he suggested postponing the wedding (2 months before the scheduled date) nut his finance gave him an ultimatum – we are either going ahead with the wedding now or saying goodbye to this relationship.  He chose to end the relationship rather than go ahead with the wedding happening 2 months away.

 

I separated from my estranged husband earlier this year- he was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive to me over the period of our 5 year marriage. We have a wonderful 5 year old son together.  He also extra marital affairs with many women (some whom he told me blatantly had nicer bodies than me) and had various sexual partners. We were already staying in separate rooms for 2 years before we officially separated this year.

Recently I met a man I really felt a connection with. He knew about everything that was happening including the abuse. We became friends and I naively believed he would be a source of strength in  navigating this painful process. We come from the same country, but he lives abroad. A few months ago, I flew abroad to see him and we spent 2 lovely weeks together.

 

When I got back, he got a bit distant but was still present. He went through a series of personal crises including a few deaths of extended family members and other things he never really shared with me. My understanding was that he was going through a series of personal, family and health issues that he always recovered from. Two weeks ago, he attended a film festival and seemed elated. A month before he attended another one and posted pics with his friends at a concert having a good time. I thought he was at least stable.

But our communication really changed for the worse and I really missed the connection but he seemed caught up in his world and when I expressed my needs  he accused me of not being sensitive enough.

 

Meanwhile, I was dealing with finding a new place, the end of an abusive marriage with a man I had been codependent with, being a mother to our son and ensuring he feels love and unimpacted by the separation and handling work matters not to mention family issues. I never received any support from him even on basic matters like “hey what do you think about this new apartment over the other”.

 

He has this habit of disappearing/ not reaching out or reading messages and not responding until 24-36 hours later.

I found myself doing all the hard work in keeping us connected. I was contacting him on average once a week, mostly via whats app. If I wanted to talk to him on the phone, I would have to schedule pre book a call the day before to let him know. Even then, it would take days before the call eventually happened.

 

Last month, I decided I wouldn’t reach out anymore to see if he cared enough to check up on me. I did not contact him for THREE whole weeks. I didn’t hear a word from him. It was quite devastating but I played it cool.

 

I sent him a funny emoticon and a recoding of my son making funny jokes. He responded warmly and said he felt he needed to have a Q and A with him and asked how we were doing.

 

I responded telling him we were fine, things were getting better after a rough time, I had found a new apartment and was excited for new beginnings and then asked how he was doing.

 

24 hours later, he hadn’t responded.  So I sent him a quick message asking if we could talk tonight?

He said it would be kind of difficult to find time to talk  and mentioned they had lost another member of their family (the 2nd this year).

I expressed my deepest sympathy and sent kind words to him.

 

The next day in a bid to cheer him up I suggested we go on a nature holiday or trip somewhere as we both deserved it! Anyway! Vermont, Big Sur, Senegal, just someplace we would  have nice cocktails, dance, eat home cooked meals, relax, go hiking and adventuring  and reconnect with nature after everything we’ve been through.

He responded saying he appreciated the idea but right now he couldn’t just do it. He said he had duties to attend to and was not focusing on himself right now. And that such a trip wouldn’t happen for some time he didn’t think. But he appreciated the thought.

 

So I responded saying I understood that duty came first and that was fine.

 

But I wanted to know if he was still interested in maintaining a meaningful bond/ connection and if he wanted a place in my life and vice versa because I could not longer read him and needed him to give me a sense of where I stand.

 

He hadn’t responded by day 2 by which time my phone had shut down. So when he did respond I never received it.

 

So the next day I sent him a message from my other phone informing him that I never received his message if he did reply to me because the phone was out. He didn’t respond.

 

The next day I called him but there was no response. So I sent him a message that I had been trying to reach him since Saturday with no luck. Also asked him why he blocked his other phone. NO RESPONSE.

 

Next day, naturally I started feeling uneasy and vulnerable  sent him a message saying “hey good morning. I hope you are doing okay. I feel sad and confused by you going silent on me.. It is giving me “ghosting” “slow fading” vibes. You told me to stop making assumptions/ inferences and always ask directly about anything. So can you tell me what’s going on? Would appreciate a prompt response or a call might be better if you wish. – still no response that day.

 

The day after I sent him a picture of a bottle of whiskey and told him to remind me to tell him about it and spiraling because I felt he had been there before.

 

The next day (Sunday)  I saw him online (whats app) and tried calling him having received zero responses to any of my messages since Tuesday or so.  He didn’t pick up and I could see he was online. So I sent a message saying I needed to talk to him and asked if he was there?

 

He never answered the call but sent me this message a few minutes later :

 

“Lilian, I went camping to get away from it all and it seems like you won’t t let me be with myself. I responded to your other phone that that your question requires a conversation. Tried reaching you then realized it was down. But if somebody doesn’t respond you need to give the person time.

You know what I have been through but I don’t think we are aligned on what I need/is good for me. I blocked you because i asked you several times to not reach me there and you still do. I needed time alone camping and still you wouldn’t give me that. I think it best to just remain friends. I know you mean well, but this is not good for me. I need to prioritize my well-being. Perhaps formally being recognized as platonic friends will remove that pressure of having to reach me for emergencies or whatever might be. Wish you all the best. Sorry”

 

My heart was crushed. I didn’t even know he went camping. He never told me. Not even when I suggested we go on a trip together.

 

I responded in a  voice note but im too tired to even type out what I said.

 

What did I do wrong? Was I not patient enough? Is it excessive to expect a  simple response to a message within 24-36 hours? Bear in mind I gave him 3 weeks of space where I did no contact him once.

 

Is he an avoidant? Did I mess things up? Please talk to me. I feel so sad and once again abandoned.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I was dealing with finding a new place, the end of an abusive marriage with a man I had been codependent with, being a mother to our son and ensuring he feels love and unimpacted by the separation and handling work matters not to mention family issues. I never received any support from him even on basic matters.

The best advocates to help you navigate a separation/divorce and particularly abuse are a qualified  therapist and attorney. While is is an escape, a long distance lover you met once for a 2 week vacation is not the right person to lean on.

[glows]

This reads more like he was pulling away for some time and then decided to be rude about it and blame it on you. He wasn’t meeting your needs and you were too accommodating. You’re already in different countries and this is ldr. How much more space can one ask for? 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

This reads more like he was pulling away for some time and then decided to be rude about it and blame it on you. He wasn’t meeting your needs and you were too accommodating. You’re already in different countries and this is ldr. How much more space can one ask for? 

I'm so flabbergasted. I never asked for anything apart from phone calls and messages to keep me company. Someone to share laughs with and gain a bit of support which I do from other friends. But this man didn't even give an iota of friendship.

[BrinnM]

I’m a little bit confused as to where you guys actually met. And how long you’ve been friends. However, I feel like after the first few attempts to have a conversation with him, he was really very reluctant to reply, and I feel like you came on wayyyy too strong & too insistent - and he really didn’t reciprocate, so it feels like you are the pushy one -  you want more and he doesn’t really want to deal with you, one way or another. At this point anyway. So where did you guys meet and how do you know him?

Edited October 3, 2022 by BrinnM

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I’m a little bit confused as to where you guys actually met. And how long you’ve been friends. However, I feel like after the first few attempts to have a conversation with him, he was really very reluctant to reply, and I feel like you came on wayyyy too strong & too insistent - and he really didn’t reciprocate, so it feels like you are the pushy one -  you want more and he doesn’t really want to deal with you, one way or another. At this point anyway. So where did you guys meet and how do you know him?

This was my take too.   In fact, while I was reading, I found myself asking you (silently to myself), what are you doing?  Why do you continue to chase this man who has clearly indicated to you he wants time and space alone for himself? 

Which is OK imo, everyone needs their lone time and when they do you graciously give it to them.  But instead of doing that, you continued to push, asking questions, wanting to talk to him, needing and seeking reassurance.

 

32 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I found myself doing all the hard work in keeping us connected.

Going forward, please stop doing this.  When a man indicates to you either with words or actions or both that he needs space and time for himself, this is not the time to attempt to "stay connected."  It's suffocating and eventually he will become annoyed and shut down which I think is precisely what happened here.  

No I do not think this man is an avoidant.  What I think is that your needs are too overwhelming for him to deal with or even want to deal with, I am sorry.

I think moving forward, before you embark on another relationship (this one is done), seek professional help with respect to your previous relationship that was abusive.

You are carrying around some pretty heavy baggage from that experience that needs to be addressed and resolved otherwise, this pattern will repeat with every relationship you attempt to have going forward.

There are lessons to be learned from this if you're open to introspection, taking responsibility for your own role and learning.

I am sorry it didn't work out.

 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I'm so flabbergasted. I never asked for anything apart from phone calls and messages to keep me company. Someone to share laughs with and gain a bit of support which I do from other friends. But this man didn't even give an iota of friendship.

When you continue to reach out to someone and they aren't getting back to you it's called chasing.  He is not interested in you but didn't have the balls to come out and tell you this so he thought you would get the hint because he was constantly ignoring you.  You didn't get the hint and kept chasing him and it pissed him off.  Now he wants you to leave him alone.  Please don't reach out to him again.  There are plenty men near you to share laughs and phone calls with.  Leave this one alone.

[Weezy1973]

He just wasn’t into you. Nothing much you can do about that.

[Seekinghappydays2000]

40 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I’m a little bit confused as to where you guys actually met. And how long you’ve been friends. However, I feel like after the first few attempts to have a conversation with him, he was really very reluctant to reply, and I feel like you came on wayyyy too strong & too insistent - and he really didn’t reciprocate, so it feels like you are the pushy one -  you want more and he doesn’t really want to deal with you, one way or another. At this point anyway. So where did you guys meet and how do you know him?

We met in January our home country before he flew back. We struck up a friendship since then. He was very enthusiastic and things were good until after I returned from the trip to visit him which was a nice trip. But then he started distancing and making lots of excuses 

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I'm so flabbergasted. I never asked for anything apart from phone calls and messages to keep me company. Someone to share laughs with and gain a bit of support which I do from other friends. But this man didn't even give an iota of friendship.

You said earlier that you thought he could be a "source of strength" for you going through this process.  This is a lot to ask of someone.  While he was probably quite happy to be a casual/moderate support, it sounds like you asked far more of him than he could give.   Instead of reading the room and backing off accordingly, you needed to have conversations about the state of your friendship and he felt it was all too much.    

[Seekinghappydays2000]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This was my take too.   In fact, while I was reading, I found myself asking you (silently to myself), what are you doing?  Why do you continue to chase this man who has clearly indicated to you he wants time and space alone for himself? 

Which is OK imo, everyone needs their lone time and when they do you graciously give it to them.  But instead of doing that, you continued to push, asking questions, wanting to talk to him, needing and seeking reassurance.

 

Going forward, please stop doing this.  When a man indicates to you either with words or actions or both that he needs space and time for himself, this is not the time to attempt to "stay connected."  It's suffocating and eventually he will become annoyed and shut down which I think is precisely what happened here.  

No I do not think this man is an avoidant.  What I think is that your needs are too overwhelming for him to deal with or even want to deal with, I am sorry.

I think moving forward, before you embark on another relationship (this one is done), seek professional help with respect to your previous relationship that was abusive.

You are carrying around some pretty heavy baggage from that experience that needs to be addressed and resolved otherwise, this pattern will repeat with every relationship you attempt to have going forward.

There are lessons to be learned from this if you're open to introspection, taking responsibility for your own role and learning.

I am sorry it didn't work out.

 

Thanks for your comments.

He didnt tell me he was going camping. I had no idea he was put camping.

 A bit of our history, we went from talking every other day and speaking on the phone once a week before my trip. It dwindled down to a whats app message every week and then one phone call in a month. i never complained. Eventually we were communicating once every 2 weeks. Most of the initiation made by me But he was responsive because we did have something going on. Most recently I went 3 weeks without contacting him. And he would take days to respond to simple messages and days of scheduling to have one phone call.

 

Does this still sound like like I was pushy and overly needy and never gave him space? 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

things were good until after I returned from the trip to visit him which was a nice trip. But then he started distancing and making lots of excuses But then he started distancing and making lots of excuses 

Something happened when or after you met in person that caused him to change his mind about you. 

Re above quoted, that was your cue to back off or end it altogether.

[ ] After meeting and spending time in person, he wasn't into it. 

This is the risk you take when developing a relationship on line. 

Again, I'm sorry.  

Edited October 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to hidden content.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Thanks for your comments.

He didnt tell me he was going camping. I had no idea he was put camping.

 A bit of our history, we went from talking every other day and speaking on the phone once a week before my trip. It dwindled down to a whats app message every week and then one phone call in a month. i never complained. Eventually we were communicating once every 2 weeks. Most of the initiation made by me But he was responsive because we did have something going on. Most recently I went 3 weeks without contacting him. And he would take days to respond to simple messages and days of scheduling to have one phone call.

 

Does this still sound like like I was pushy and overly needy and never gave him space? 

Yes. I'm sorry to say this, but I felt a bit suffocated just reading. 

May I ask why you continued reaching out when it was clear he was pulling back?  

Read your initial post as if you were an objective observer.

What do you see?  

A woman heeding a man's message he wants space or out?

Or a woman desperately attempting to stay connected?

Edited October 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Seekinghappydays2000]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said earlier that you thought he could be a "source of strength" for you going through this process.  This is a lot to ask of someone.  While he was probably quite happy to be a casual/moderate support, it sounds like you asked far more of him than he could give.   Instead of reading the room and backing off accordingly, you needed to have conversations about the state of your friendship and he felt it was all too much.    

He stopped giving me support after I returned. But when he was going through a series of crises I gave him a lot of support.

 

I actually wasn't getting much from the friendship in later months. We stopped having frequent and meaningful chats. Not even casual discussions about day to day stuff. He told me when he was going through his own crises and then shut off completely for months. And then resurfaced later. He wasn't consistent or reliable in my time of need.

 

I felt emotionally bonded to him but it was likely in my head because we were hardly talking/chatting on a semi- regular basis.. 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Actually there was.  She could have left him alone. Giving him the opportunity to wonder about HER and miss her.

By her not giving him that space, all she succeeded doing was pushing him further away until there was nothing left. 

OP, I truly believe you could have turned this around, and brought about a different outcome. 

How?

By leaving him alone.  I think many problems couples experience today could be avoided by doing that. 

And it's not just men needing to time alone either. 

I didnt contact him for 3 weeks. When I did send a message, he responded happily the first time but didn't respond to my follow up question. 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

I think you're being zoharsh on me. I feel broken already and really worthless about this experience. I didnt realise I was being needy and pushy by wanting some level of consistency and reliability ? Is that too much to ask of a man?

 

 

I guess I ruined everything like you said. I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

[Seekinghappydays2000]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Actually there was.  She could have left him alone. Giving him the opportunity to wonder about HER and miss her.

By her not giving him that space, all she succeeded doing was pushing him further away until there was nothing left. 

OP, I truly believe you could have turned this around, and brought about a different outcome. 

How?

By leaving him alone.  I think many problems couples experience today could be avoided by doing that. 

And it's not just men needing to time alone either. 

 I guess it's done and over now because of my errors. I'll forgive myself someday for making a big fool of myself 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes. I'm sorry to say this, but I felt a bit suffocated just reading. 

May I ask why you continued reaching out when it was clear he was pulling back?  

Read your initial post as if you were an objective observer.

What do you see?  

A woman heeding a man's message he wants space or out?

Or a woman desperately attempting to stay connected?

Yeah I really wanted to stay connected because I cared a lot about him. I guess the feelings weren't mutual. If they were, I wouldn't have to make so much effort to get a call or text from him. It would happen naturally.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I think you're being zoharsh on me.

If this post was for me, @Seekinghappydays2000 virtually every person responding in this thread felt you pushed too hard.

You didn't make a "big fool of yourself," yes you made some errors by not reading him correctly and backing off, but that is how you learn!  

By making mistakes and learning therefrom.

If this had been me, I would have backed off the SECOND he started distancing himself after the trip and making excuses.  I might have chosen to simply wish him well and walk away.

Clearly things had changed for him and by attempting to stay connected, again all you succeeded in doing was pushing him further away.

I am sorry you find this harsh, I don't think it is, I think it's a great learning opportunity.

Your choice, good luck.

 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Yeah I really wanted to stay connected because I cared a lot about him. I guess the feelings weren't mutual. If they were, I wouldn't have to make so much effort to get a call or text from him. It would happen naturally.

Exactly, you got it! 

 

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 I didnt realise I was being needy and pushy by wanting some level of consistency and reliability ? Is that too much to ask of a man?

 

I find it interesting that you refer to him as a "man" rather than a "friend".   Was there a little amount of romantic interest with him?

Anyway, be it male or female, we need to have a degree of flexibility with friends.  While we can  and do support friends, those friends need to understand that we aren't counsellors with endless amounts of time and patience.  

Edited October 3, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I feel broken already and really worthless about this experience. I didnt realise I was being needy and pushy by wanting some level of consistency and reliability ? Is that too much to ask of a man?

Kindly, yes it is.  He was someone you met rather recently and had chats about your ex partners.  He viewed you as a platonic acquaintance but you wanted more.  He probably isn't over his ex and is probably still trying to get back with her.  Never expect a stranger to be your support system.  You don't know him and a support system is a lot to expect from someone who isn't a close friend, relative or partner.  When a man isn't replying back to your texts, phone calls and messages, don't continue to pursue him.  It's rude and intrusive.  No one here is trying to be harsh to you.  We're trying to help you so you don't put yourself in this position again.

[glows]

25 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I felt emotionally bonded to him but it was likely in my head because we were hardly talking/chatting on a semi- regular basis.. 

That’s my read on it too. I am so sorry. Take a time out and recoup, make friends locally. Find support systems locally. 

[glows]

22 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 I guess it's done and over now because of my errors. I'll forgive myself someday for making a big fool of myself 

Oh no. Please don’t be too harsh on yourself. Take a breather and step back. Get into your other hobbies and forget this blip. You know better now. This person was hardly worth the headache. 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I find it interesting that you refer to him as a "man" rather than a "friend".   Was there a little amount of romantic interest with him?

Anyway, be it male or female, we need to have a degree of flexibility with friends.  While we can  and do support friends, those friends need to understand that we aren't counsellors with endless amounts of time and patience.  

Yes there was romantic interest. I stayed at his place for two weeks and we were intimate. I cooked meals for him and we went shopping together. Got him a birthday gift. His concern at the time was that he wanted me totally detached from my estranged husband whom I was separated from. But I explained that it would take some time because we have a son together and have reach mutual agreements for his sake. But now I think it was all a facade because now I'm more separated from my ex husband than I ever was - new apartment, minimal communication and family support to ensure I never return to the abusive  marriage. So he was maybe just using that as excuse to have fun with me. He never truly cared about me it seems.