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Why is this 31/f coworker acting so strange with me 30/m

accnt2312131

By accnt2312131
in Business and Professional Relationships

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@accnt2312131

I don't see anything that suggests romantic interest on her side based on your post.  

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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If you are senior to her be polite and professional at work, but be aware if the sexual harassment policy. The best approach is to be professional with her and dating outside of work.

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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18 minutes ago, accnt2312131 said:

i mean what should i do? 

Decide IF you want to actually ask her out, which entails the risk of dating a co-worker, and the more trivial "emotional" risk of her saying no and things becoming awkward between you. IF yes, you should also probably check your workplace's policy on co-worker relationships too, to make sure they are allowed in your workplace.

Probably what you should do is not date her (despite her possible interest) and find non-co-workers to date. You might try meet ups as sometimes single people looking to meet others go to those. Try to look your absolute best (without going over the top) - that gives you an edge in garnering initial female interest, I've found.

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accnt2312131 Member

accnt2312131

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5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Decide IF you want to actually ask her out, which entails the risk of dating a co-worker, and the more trivial "emotional" risk of her saying no and things becoming awkward between you. IF yes, you should also probably check your workplace's policy on co-worker relationships too, to make sure they are allowed in your workplace.

Probably what you should do is not date her (despite her possible interest) and find non-co-workers to date. You might try meet ups as sometimes single people looking to meet others go to those. Try to look your absolute best (without going over the top) - that gives you an edge in garnering initial female interest, I've found.

so u think she has a possible interest in me... what makes u think that? 

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accnt2312131 Member

accnt2312131

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Thanks for answering this.. just curious about something. this girl i work with, i saw her outside, like i hung out with coworkers, when i first saw her she hugged me but afterwards she pretty much ignored me. when i tried asking how she was doing, she said fine and asked someone else how he was doing. she pretty much avoided having to be with me 1 on 1 and looking at me or anything
like she ignores me but when she came to one of my hangouts that i didn't inite her too but someone esle did, she was saying things to me.
she ignored me she was saying like 'Oh u like cats look at these cats i found' 'oh hey dad hes a giants fan' 'ur a good cook right?' and i played this bar game and i did terrible. and she was like 'oh u did good' NO i didn't i said to her no id din't she said 'u did better than me'
next time i see her at work, she ignores me and doesn't talk ot me. U know? and before i saw her and she said those things, she pretty much ignored me the same. u kno she talks to nearly everyone but me ignores me though but when i saw her outside she was saying things to me.
i wanted to be one on one, but i was disappointed because i felt she didn't want to be alone with me so i then later said 'sorry i can't make it i have other plans, sorry'
and she said 'alrighty'
i made it to the same event, and she saw me, she came with other friends, she hugged me but then ignored me the rest of the night
Like i tried asking how she was, quickly barely answered. and she quickly changed topics
like responds but moves quickly to something else.
like she was trying her best to ignore me.
And then i had a fight with one of her friends and i basically removed him from my
whatsapp hangout group because i would be about to having being around her and then
we kinda made up and he readded me to another whatsapp group AND SHES IN IT

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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^^ like I said before, IMO her behavior's ambiguous in that regard. That's based on your description above.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@accnt2312131

The information you've provided about her behavior could also be displayed by non-interested women as well.  Hence, it's insignificant.   If you want to know for sure, you're going to have to incur risk to your position at work and to your pride and ask her out on a date.  That's what it comes down to.   From there, you'll get real answers and then you can move forward with her or without her. 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted (edited)

[ ] 

Why did you argue with one of her friends? Keep things professional only. It strongly sounds like she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you romantically. She’s avoiding you and appears to be keeping the peace/civil but tolerating you.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
comment redundant, post merge
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accnt2312131 Member

accnt2312131

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Hello everyone, I'm just really confused about something. i mean this girl is really strange with me. I've noticed she doesn't have a lot of friends but only a couple of friends..... I mean I noticed she is pretty close friends with 2 particular people. But I worked with her a couple times and I felt she gradually became ok with talking to me. It even came to a point after I hung out with others that she close me, 'let me know when you are going out.' .... I didn't know what that meant because we didn't really talk much. I mean we joked around quite a bit at work but wasn't more than that...

Why would she ask me to let her know when I was going out if she just seemed to be ok being acquantances or 'friends?' I tried texting her individually and we texted back and forth but eventually she didn't respond to one of my texts and I Felt that she wasn't interesting in giving me any ideas.. Ok message received..

I tried making plans to see other coworkers and friends and low a behold someone else invited her. And when I saw her she just pretended that she didn't stop responding to my messages and when I tried to talk to others she was tring to make small talk with me.. Later i didn't do good at this game I played with others and she did I did well when I didn't. I told her i didn't and she said 'you did better than me..'

Well a few days later i mean we didn't talk at all to each other and we didn't evne talk with each other at our break room, we did many times before. and idk I all of a sudden tried to go up to her and tell her we should hang out some time, I said i wanted to and she said yeah we should. Then I texted her and asked if she was free Saturday night, and she said she has a plan for someone's birthday.... I was kinda sad because I was trying to make a date with her.... and I felt once against let down.

I Later said to her 'sorry i can't make it, i have other plans, sorry.' I then did actually attend the birthday party since I didn't have other plans I was bsing cuz I didn't want to go out with her. Wehn I saw her at the birthday party I mean she hugged me like she hugged everyone else and didn't proceed to try to give me any extra attention.... But Idk if it was intentional but I felt like she was giving way more attention to her close friends than me.... When I tried to talk to her... she didn't even try to continue the conversation.

I mean what is going on? I am trying to avoid her and not talk to her, but she still occasionally tries to talk ot me and hug me.....

I feel like shes someone that only interacts closely with 2-3 people and I'm not one of them... but she did give me weird vibes like me letting her know when I was going out.

... We later had a disagreement about a work related thing and since I was her superior, I basically told her that I didn't agree with what she was doing. I did say things like 'shouldn't u know what to do?' In addition... i noticed whenever I give a message on whatsapp on our work group... she always seems to respond immediately. Idk I noticed that I feel she is trying to one up me now... idk if she feels bad about what i said to her before and is just trying to give me weird vibes...

I guess what I'm asking is.... how to get close to a girl who only has a few close friends and feels bad about things I might have said to her..?

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accnt2312131 Member

accnt2312131

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I am 30 and I think I'm a good person. I have a career and will soon make 200k+ soon.... I just never had a relationship or even a serious date. I never had a good that showed that she cared about me or liked me.

Maybe times in the past there were girls I liked and what happened is that they played games with me. I was never desperate I tried to act cool. I promised afterwards that I would never try again and that I jsut want to focus on myself.

 

I saw a good at my workplace and sorta tried to get to know her and I feel she doesn't want to get close to me.... And that once again reinforced the notion that I will always be alone...

 

I have been focusing on myself in the meanwhile, exercising, focusing on my career, focusing on hobbies and just trying to be a better person.... I go out with colleagues without this girl and Just try to be good..

 

Am I destined to be alone?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, accnt2312131 said:

Am I destined to be alone?

You can definitely do something about it. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a brief coffee/drink. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. You can make more friends outside of work as well as get used to talking to women.

Don't date at work or only socialize with co-workers or women in bars. Try to round out your life outside of work a bit more.

Edited by Wiseman2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
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No you are not destined to be alone.  That girl isn't the only one out there.  As Wiseman said do a good profile and pics and get on a reputable dating site.  There are a lot of women looking for a guy like you.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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It's clear you're obsessing over this girl and need some answers.  Why don't you ask her when SHE'S FREE and take her out and ask her these questions.  Just because you asked her once for a date and she had the b-day party thing doesn't mean you can't ask her again.

MeadowFlower Established Member

MeadowFlower

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 10/2/2022 at 11:48 AM, accnt2312131 said:

Just curious about something. this girl i work with.  I am in a senior position but only by 1 level. She acts super hot/cold and I don't know why. Why is she like this? What does she feel about me? 

I saw her outside, like i hung out with coworkers, when i first saw her she hugged me but afterwards she pretty much ignored me. when i tried asking how she was doing, she said fine and asked someone else how he was doing. she pretty much avoided having to be with me 1 on 1 and looking at me or anything

like she ignores me but when she came to one of my hangouts that i didn't inite her too but someone esle did, she was saying things to me.

she ignored me she was saying like 'Oh u like cats look at these cats i found' 'oh hey dad hes a giants fan' 'ur a good cook right?' and i played this bar game and i did terrible. and she was like 'oh u did good' NO i didn't i said to her no id din't she said 'u did better than me'

next time i see her at work, she ignores me and doesn't talk ot me. U know? and before i saw her and she said those things, she pretty much ignored me the same. u kno she talks to nearly everyone but me ignores me though but when i saw her outside she was saying things to me.

i wanted to be one on one, but i was disappointed because i felt she didn't want to be alone with me so i then later said 'sorry i can't make it i have other plans, sorry'

and she said 'alrighty'

i made it to the same event, and she saw me, she came with other friends, she hugged me but then ignored me the rest of the night

Like i tried asking how she was, quickly barely answered. and she quickly changed topics

like responds but moves quickly to something else.

like she was trying her best to ignore me.

And then i had a fight with one of her friends and i basically removed him from my

whatsapp hangout group because i would be about to having being around her and then

we kinda made up and he readded me to another whatsapp group AND SHES IN IT

She sounds immature or young. But the ignoring thing can be a sign that a girl likes you. However you won't know that she likes you for sure. But if you like her, please please ask her out! And make it super clear that you are interested in her.

Edited by MeadowFlower
glows Established Member

glows

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17 hours ago, accnt2312131 said:

We later had a disagreement about a work related thing and since I was her superior, I basically told her that I didn't agree with what she was doing. I did say things like 'shouldn't u know what to do?' In addition... i noticed whenever I give a message on whatsapp on our work group... she always seems to respond immediately. Idk I noticed that I feel she is trying to one up me now... idk if she feels bad about what i said to her before and is just trying to give me weird vibes...

I guess what I'm asking is.... how to get close to a girl who only has a few close friends and feels bad about things I might have said to her..?

I think you’re asking for serious issues and a sexual harassment case. I cannot in good faith suggest to you to proceed any further with this. Avoid nasty comments like “shouldn’t you know what to do” and remain professional. You don’t want a reputation of being temperamental and irate even if she doesn’t report to you and you’re more senior. Remember that your colleagues are there to earn a paycheque and learn. Don’t create a toxic work culture.

Try working on yourself and being a mentor or role model to anyone junior. Stop hitting on her. I’d let this one go and keep your career intact. She is not interested in spending time with you. You both attended the same birthday party and she could have suggested an alternate time if she liked you at all. Instead she spent more time with her friends than speaking with you. Why not try dating outside of work? 

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

Posted
Posted

She honestly doesn’t sound interested in you as more than coworkers or friends… which should be the case anyway. 

Don’t date your coworkers especially if you’re their superior. And stop trying to figure out every interaction with her. It’s not healthy. Let it go, remain professional and find someone else to date. 

  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted
22 hours ago, accnt2312131 said:

 We later had a disagreement about a work related thing and since I was her superior, I basically told her that I didn't agree with what she was doing. I did say things like 'shouldn't u know what to do?' In addition... i noticed whenever I give a message on whatsapp on our work group... she always seems to respond immediately. Idk I noticed that I feel she is trying to one up me now... idk if she feels bad about what i said to her before and is just trying to give me weird vibes...

Yes, it's likely she's p*ssed about what you said. This is a completely unacceptable way to speak to anyone under your supervision.  As a manager, your role is to lead and develop your staff, not to mock them.   Honestly, if she was remotely interested in you before, I imagine she would be quite put off by your behaviour now. 

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 10/18/2022 at 11:33 PM, accnt2312131 said:

... We later had a disagreement about a work related thing and since I was her superior, I basically told her that I didn't agree with what she was doing. I did say things like 'shouldn't u know what to do?' In addition... i noticed whenever I give a message on whatsapp on our work group... she always seems to respond immediately. Idk I noticed that I feel she is trying to one up me now... idk if she feels bad about what i said to her before and is just trying to give me weird vibes...

Agree with Basil.

My experience with a female professor saying something similar was quite off-putting. Her response to a question I had during class (where I had asked for her help) was "why are you asking me such a question?" Well, I didn't know the answer to the question/material I was asking, that's why I asked her for help.

 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it's likely she's p*ssed about what you said. This is a completely unacceptable way to speak to anyone under your supervision.  As a manager, your role is to lead and develop your staff, not to mock them.   Honestly, if she was remotely interested in you before, I imagine she would be quite put off by your behaviour now. 

 

Edited by Alpacalia
account1112 New Member

account1112

Posted
Posted

I am just curious about something ... i mean this girl is really strange with me. I've noticed she doesn't have a lot offriends but only a couple of friends..... I mean I noticed she is  pretty close friends with 2 particular people. But I worked with her a  couple times and I felt she gradually became ok with talking to me. It  even came to a point after I hung out with others that she close me,  'let me know when you are going out.' .... I didn't know what that meant  because we didn't really talk much. I mean we joked around quite a bit  at work but wasn't more than that...
Why  would she ask me to let her know when I was going out if she just  seemed to be ok being acquantances or 'friends?' I tried texting her  individually and we texted back and forth but eventually she didn't  respond to one of my texts and I Felt that she wasn't interesting in  giving me any ideas.. Ok message received..


I  tried making plans to see other coworkers and friends and low a behold  someone else invited her. And when I saw her she just pretended that she  didn't stop responding to my messages and when I tried to talk to  others she was tring to make small talk with me.. Later i didn't do good  at this game I played with others and she did I did well when I didn't.  I told her i didn't and she said 'you did better than me..'
Well  a few days later i mean we didn't talk at all to each other and we  didn't evne talk with each other at our break room, we did many times  before. and idk I all of a sudden tried to go up to her and  tell her we  should hang out some time, I said i wanted to and she said yeah we  should. Then I texted her and asked if she was free Saturday night, and  she said she has a plan for someone's birthday.... I was kinda sad  because I was trying to make a date with her.... and I felt once against  let down.

I Later said to her  'sorry i can't make it, i have other plans, sorry.' I then did actually  attend the birthday party since I didn't have other plans I was bsing  cuz I didn't want to go out with her. Wehn I saw her at the birthday  party I mean she hugged me like she hugged everyone else and didn't  proceed to try to give me any extra attention.... But Idk if it was  intentional but I felt like she was giving way more attention to her  close friends than me.... When I tried to talk to her... she didn't even  try to continue the conversaiton.
I  mean what is going on? I am trying to avoid her and not talk to her,  but she still occasionally tries to talk ot me and hug me.....

I  feel like shes someone that only interacts closely with 2-3 people and  I'm not one of them... but she did give me weird vibes like me letting  her hwen I was going out.
...  We later had a disagreement about a work related thing and since I was  her superior, I basically told her that I didn't agree with what she was  doing. I did say things like 'shouldn't u know what to do?' In  addition... i noticed whenever I give a message on whatsapp on our work  group... she always seems to respond immediately. Idk I noticed that I  feel she is trying to one up me now... idk if she feels bad about what i  said to her before and is just trying to give me weird vibes...
I  guess what I'm asking is.... how to get close to a girl who only has a  few close friends and feels bad about things I might have said to her..?
 

  • 2 weeks later...
bobdole1123 Member

bobdole1123

Posted
Posted

there is this guy who works at the same place as me. I mean he just acts sorta strange...? I mean we don't talk much but whenever I post something on a group chat he individually messages me and asks me about it and asks if I'm going....
We worked together for 1 month and he sort of my supervisor, i mean hes fun to work with, Hes more chill than others....
But when I saw him at this coworker gathering I just wanted to get in on the fun since i heard he went out with some other colleagues and had lots of fun. I just asked him 'let me know when you are going out' and he didn't respond....
The next week I saw him texting me and saying things like 'when you are going out?' and just trying to make small talk and joking around with me. He said 'oh u cook,' i said no i don't but sometimes, but he said 'oh you cook wisconsin cheese dishes?' since i'm from Wisconsin. And then a few days later I saw he was going out with coworkers and he didin't even tell me, someone else told me. He also has a whatsapp group where he included certainc oworkers but not me...
There was then a group project we had to do work on and I felt like he wasn't contributing. I asked him if he was doing stuff and he said to me 'shouldn't you know what to do? this is your job, don't you agree?' I just wanted himt o contribute a little, but as my superior i couldn't say anything.
... Next time he texted me agian asking 'are you free to go out?' I said 'sure! we are doing something for david's birthday!.' He then later said 'i have other plans sorry.' and i said 'alrighty.'..... Later i found out he was texting david and made plans to go out... i mean idk why he did that? I thought he had to go somewhere.
I saw him at david's party and I saw him i just hugged him and just ignored him. I noticed him trying to ask me hows life but i just said its going and proceeded to talk to others. 
The next day he texted me saying 'don't text me on my personal phone about work realted things, contact me on my work number for work related things.'....
Later he had an argument with one of our coworkers about something idk.
Later a few weeks later i said him asking me'u ready for ur new night shift.' I said yup, and he said 'i miss nights..' And I said to him that things aren't going great that i'm depressed and anxious, I told him my dad was coming to visit me.
And Idk i just noticed him texting me on and off....
Idk, i just find him peculiar. I talk to my uncle about him and about this guys' interests and everything he wants to do...
Idk why is this guy acting like this... ? 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

He seems to be asking if you're going places so he can avoid you.  IDK, do you like him in a romantic way or are you worried because he's your boss and may not like you?

  • Like 1
bobdole1123 Member

bobdole1123

Posted
Posted

I mean... what do u mean...? Why is he avoiding me? 

Why do you think I like him..? lol 

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)

His lack of interest in personal interaction with you is quite clear from this:

34 minutes ago, bobdole1123 said:

The next day he texted me saying 'don't text me on my personal phone about work realted things, contact me on my work number for work related things.'....

Is there a reason you're reaching out to him on his personal phone?

Edited by Alpacalia
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted (edited)

Back off  from this person and just do your job.  He is your supervisor and is clearly trying to steer clear of you on a personal level while at the same time functioning in a supervisory role  at work.  Also it seems like he's trying to be nice to you and not just shut you down.  Seems like a generally outgoing and sociable sort of guy. 

 You know that often, people are actually friends with SOME work mates. This doesn't mean that all people at work are included in the friend group though.  Some "friendly" chit-chat like you have from time to time doesn't mean that you are actually friends.  Just amicable work mates.

Watch it though.  A few of the things you mentioned, especially calling him out on his work,  give me the impression that you might be treading on thin ice already.  Maybe this will be a non-issue with you moving onto a different shift - hope so.

From your post I get the impression that you don't observe boundaries very well.  Try harder on that.

Edited by NuevoYorko
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