Caught bf in lie, he says he won't do it again, but found out he went against his word.

[Ladiixmk]

My boyfriend (26M) and I (28F) have been dating for almost 2 years now. In the beginning of the relationship, we spoke about social media boundaries. I told him that I don't mind if he follows or likes pictures of half-naked girls, as long as he's not leaving comments or DM'ing them. He told me he feels the same for me.

Fast forward 1 year later, and we're hanging out and he shows me his Instagram's explore page. It was filled with half naked women. He told me that he doesn't understand why it's filled with these pictures and that he doesn't want to see them. I joked around with him and said "it's due to Instagram's algorithm, let me find out you like those type of pictures". He completely denied it, said he wasn't interested in that type of stuff, and even started following Fitness Instagram pages to change his explore page.

Well, I'm not going to explain the details, but a couple of months later I found out that he follows a LOT of those pages, and likes the pictures - even before that original talk we had. This caught me by surprise, but I didn't say anything about it. For the following months afterwards, if we were together and watching YouTube/on TikTok/browsing Instagram, and we came across a picture/video of a girl clearly trying to show off, my boyfriend would say things like "wow, she's thirsty for attention" or "I can't believe guys fall for this type of stuff"  or "as a guy, I don't understand why other guys follow these accounts" etc. But behind my back, he was still liking and following those accounts. THIS is when the liking started to really bother me - as I found it as dishonesty from his end.

In June of this year, I finally confronted him. I told him that this goes against his words about how he doesn't understand why guys do this, etc, and that the liking was bothering me. And that I wish he was just open and honest with me from the get go. He told me that every time he said that, he was "just joking" and he thought that I knew he was joking. Later on, he actually deleted his Instagram account, opened up a new account, and started following friends + fitness pages. He apologized to me and told me that he won't follow those accounts in the future and I have nothing to worry about anymore.

Fast forward again to last Monday. I'm browsing my Explore page, came across a random picture of a girl. She was wearing shorts and a cropped bra top and was posing to obviously show off her butt. I found out that my boyfriend not only follows her, but he liked the picture. He liked many more, mainly the ones of her showing off her body. I confronted him about this, and told him that I thought he wasn't going to do this anymore. This is when the excuses came in - "well I mean she's not half naked"; "I only followed her for her fitness content"; "well I'm a guy, all because I'm dating you doesn't mean I'm not going to be attracted to other women"; etc. And once again, I told him that I'm not hurt by the liking, I'm hurt at the fact that you said you wouldn't do this anymore and you did. He asked "ok let's start from the beginning - what are your social media boundaries?" I said "all what I want is for you to be honest with me".

After the argument, I started to feel sadness and even cried. We talked about it a bit, and he apologized. But he also told me that he spoke to his friend about it, and "even he said his wife doesn't care". I told him that I believe it's not about a matter of right vs wrong, it's about your partner's boundaries, and if those boundaries go against your boundaries as well.

Anyways fast forward to today. I'm looking for pictures of him for an anniversary gift. I go onto his Instagram page, and realized that his following count greatly increased. I got curious, and saw that he followed wayyyy more half-naked/fitness-girl accounts after our talk.

It kinda feels like a slap in the face, like he doesn't care about how I feel, etc... IDK what to do. I know it's just social media, but the dishonesty is what's really getting to me.

[ShyViolet]

I think you are creating a problem here where there doesn't need to be.  Why do you feel that policing his Instagram activity is your place or a good idea?  What does it matter what he "likes" on Instagram, honestly?  He's not even talking to other girls, he's just "liking" things on Instagram.  Is it really worth causing a huge rift in the relationship over this?

I've never cared about this in my own relationships, honestly.  Because I think it's just a little ridiculous.  "Liking" things on Instagram is not cheating, it's not dishonest, it's not your business as long as he's not doing anything along the lines of cheating.  Which this is not.  What's next, policing his thoughts and what he looks at?  I just think this is a little over the top.

[Ladiixmk]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you are creating a problem here where there doesn't need to be.  Why do you feel that policing his Instagram activity is your place or a good idea?  What does it matter what he "likes" on Instagram, honestly?  He's not even talking to other girls, he's just "liking" things on Instagram.  Is it really worth causing a huge rift in the relationship over this?

I've never cared about this in my own relationships, honestly.  Because I think it's just a little ridiculous.  "Liking" things on Instagram is not cheating, it's not dishonest, it's not your business as long as he's not doing anything along the lines of cheating.  Which this is not.  What's next, policing his thoughts and what he looks at?  I just think this is a little over the top.

I said in the post - it's not the liking. It's the dishonesty, it's him saying he wouldn't do it again but then doing it again.

[ShyViolet]

24 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

I said in the post - it's not the liking. It's the dishonesty, it's him saying he wouldn't do it again but then doing it again.

True, he shouldn't have said he wouldn't do it and then gone and done it again.  But maybe the very idea of you putting his Instagram activity under a microscope and getting so upset about it is unreasonable and not healthy behavior in a relationship.  If you are secure in your relationship and trust him, you wouldn't need to do this.  

If you don't trust him and feel that he has a tendency to lie to you and be dishonest, then you shouldn't be with him.

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

I said in the post - it's not the liking. It's the dishonesty, it's him saying he wouldn't do it again but then doing it again.

Well that was his bad then, for saying he wouldn't do it anymore.  

I sort of understand why he said it though, because he knows you don't like it, so to avoid unnecessary drama, he agreed to not do it. 

I'm curious to know how would you have responded if he had not agreed, told you it didnt mean anything, that they're just pictures?  And he would not agree to stop looking?

Would you have understood and respected his feelings about it?

Or would you have become offended and considered breaking up with him?  

If it's the latter, this is why guys lie to their girlfriends even when it's something relatively harmless such as liking pics on SM.

Back in the day men, including married men and men in serious relationships, would buy magazines like Playboy and Penthouse and NOT for the articles. 

Girlfriends and wives not liking it or taking offense and demanding he stop is one of those unreasonable expectations that have the power to destroy versus build. 

Same with men liking pics on SM, imo.

My husband watches porn.  Sometimes we watch together, sometimes he watches alone. 

Do I take offense to it?  No.  Does it bother me? No.

We have a great marriage, a great sex life; his watching porn occasionally does not threaten those things or take away from, in fact it enhances it!

I would advise a change in mindset, if you want.to sustain your relationship long term. 

If you can't, then end your relationship and look for a man with no social media.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

 It's the dishonesty, it's him saying he wouldn't do it again but then doing it again.

He is quite immature and acting like a naughty little boy. It's unwise to monitor and police his social media and get into a mommy-child dynamic like this.

However it's unwise to drag this out and stay with someone you don't have the same values as and who is not a good match for you. This spankbank count going up on IG is more symptomatic of a power struggle. You seem to be trying to solidly and fast forward the relationship but he's acting more like a fratboy. reflect if you're compatible.

[Acacia98]

So I've not been in your situation before, OP. But what you're going through reminds me a bit of my dynamic with this guy I was dating who was a smoker and decided to quit because he assumed I wanted him to. He somehow managed to turn policing him into my responsibility (in his mind).  So, at some point, he claimed he'd stopped smoking (without my ever asking him to). But when it turned out he was lying, I became the bad guy...

It sounds like your boyfriend thinks he has a problem and he's ashamed of it. He probably learned earlier in life to lie about this kind of thing (maybe he comes from a strictly religious family?). I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help beyond encouraging him to get counselling.

[Ladiixmk]

24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

True, he shouldn't have said he wouldn't do it and then gone and done it again.  But maybe the very idea of you putting his Instagram activity under a microscope and getting so upset about it is unreasonable and not healthy behavior in a relationship.  If you are secure in your relationship and trust him, you wouldn't need to do this.  

If you don't trust him and feel that he has a tendency to lie to you and be dishonest, then you shouldn't be with him.

Yea, I just reread my post and realized it looked like I was monitoring his Instagram activity haha. I'm not - the first time I found out he was following those pics, I found a picture on my Explore page because at that time I was searching up bikinis for a vacation coming up. That's when I got curious and started digging.

Same thing happened the second time around, and same thing happened the third time around. I'm also into fitness, so that girl's picture came up on my explore page.

[Ladiixmk]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well that was his bad then, for saying he wouldn't do it anymore.  

I sort of understand why he said it though, because he knows you don't like it, so to avoid unnecessary drama, he agreed to not do it. 

I'm curious to know how would you have responded if he had not agreed, told you it didnt mean anything, that they're just pictures?  And he would not agree to stop looking?

Would you have understood and respected his feelings about it?

Or would you have become offended and considered breaking up with him?  

If it's the latter, this is why guys lie to their girlfriends even when it's something relatively harmless such as liking pics on SM.

Back in the day men, including married men and men in serious relationships, would buy magazines like Playboy and Penthouse and NOT for the articles. 

Girlfriends and wives not liking it or taking offense and demanding he stop is one of those unreasonable expectations that have the power to destroy versus build. 

Same with men liking pics on SM, imo.

My husband watches porn.  Sometimes we watch together, sometimes he watches alone. 

Do I take offense to it?  No.  Does it bother me? No.

We have a great marriage, a great sex life; his watching porn occasionally does not threaten those things or take away from, in fact it enhances it!

I would advise a change in mindset, if you want.to sustain your relationship long term. 

If you can't, then end your relationship and look for a man with no social media.

 

Yea I put it in the post - even in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't care if he liked pictures like that at all. And when we had talks about this, all what I asked him was for honesty and to stick to his word, and how I wouldn't care about the picture liking if he had only been open and honest throughout our relationship.

I also don't care about porn too lol - shoo we even talk about porn in our relationship as well. When we didn't live together, we would send each other videos of what we found hot. Now that we live together, I've caught him watching porn before, and just closed the door and went about my business lol.

So it's not the action of liking the pictures that bothers me. It's the fact that he says one thing, and doesn't stick to his word. I just wish he was open and honest about this, but instead for some reason he kept this hidden. Honesty is a huge thing for me, so that's why I was so triggered by this.

 

I guess I can tell you the example that I gave him the other day when we had a talk. My boyfriend is against dating weed smokers. I don't smoke weed, but let's say I did. And I told him that I wouldn't do it anymore, and he has nothing to worry about. But then, he finds a stash of weed in my closet. Wouldn't that make me look dishonest?

Edited October 1, 2022 by Ladiixmk

[Ladiixmk]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is quite immature and acting like a naughty little boy. It's unwise to monitor and police his social media and get into a mommy-child dynamic like this.

However it's unwise to drag this out and stay with someone you don't have the same values as and who is not a good match for you. This spankbank count going up on IG is more symptomatic of a power struggle. You seem to be trying to solidly and fast forward the relationship but he's acting more like a fratboy. reflect if you're compatible.

The thing is, I'm not monitoring his social media though. I barely look at his following - I'd only find out that he's liking these accounts if I encounter a picture on my Explore page. Sorry if I made it seem like that in the original post. 

[Ladiixmk]

13 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

So I've not been in your situation before, OP. But what you're going through reminds me a bit of my dynamic with this guy I was dating who was a smoker and decided to quit because he assumed I wanted him to. He somehow managed to turn policing him into my responsibility (in his mind).  So, at some point, he claimed he'd stopped smoking (without my ever asking him to). But when it turned out he was lying, I became the bad guy...

It sounds like your boyfriend thinks he has a problem and he's ashamed of it. He probably learned earlier in life to lie about this kind of thing (maybe he comes from a strictly religious family?). I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help beyond encouraging him to get counselling.

Got it, the thing is I don't think there's anything wrong with the liking pics thing. It's just the dishonesty behind all of it. But maybe he does feel some shame? I don't know...

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

Yea I put it in the post - even in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't care if he liked pictures like that at all. And when we had talks about this, all what I asked him was for honesty and to stick to his word, and how I wouldn't care about the picture liking if he had only been open and honest throughout our relationship.

I also don't care about porn too lol - shoo we even talk about porn in our relationship as well. When we didn't live together, we would send each other videos of what we found hot. Now that we live together, I've caught him watching porn before, and just closed the door and went about my business lol.

So it's not the action of liking the pictures that bothers me. It's the fact that he says one thing, and doesn't stick to his word. I just wish he was open and honest about this, but instead for some reason he kept this hidden. Honesty is a huge thing for me, so that's why I was so triggered by this.

 

I guess I can tell you the example that I gave him the other day when we had a talk. My boyfriend is against dating weed smokers. I don't smoke weed, but let's say I did. And I told him that I wouldn't do it anymore, and he has nothing to worry about. But then, he finds a stash of weed in my closet. Wouldn't that make me look dishonest?

OK thanks for clarifying.  I went back for second read and yes you did say it was about honesty and not that he likes the IG pics.  My bad, apologies. 

And I get it, honesty is huge for me too!  And from the beginning I have always encouraged it even if/when it was something I didn't necessarily want to hear or like. 

But made a promise to try to understand; mutual understanding is huge for me too. 

The only thing I suggest is you having a good heart to heart and telling him no lying, no hiding things, that you won't tolerate it. 

You can say it nicely, it does not have to be said in an aggressive heavy-handed or accusatory manner. 

But be strong.  Wiseman is right he's acting like a little boy afraid of being punished by mum. 

He needs to grow up. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I think his social media behavior is a problem. 

You have a right (I'd say duty) to notice things on his social media--and you can do this as you suggest without surveilling him.

There are two issues here. You focus on the lying. That is a serious issue for sure and I would not minimize that. Major red flag.  What I can't tell is what you think of all the liking of the bikini women. I sense that is a problem for you as well. Don't let fear of prudery shame you away form admitting that the bikini liking unnerves you as well.

I see his behavior as a major red flag. Proceed with caution. The more he lies to you now about social media, the more practice he gets, the more comfortable he gets with possibly lying to you later about seeing other women or hanging out in places and lying about it. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

The thing is, I'm not monitoring his social media though. I barely look at his following - I'd only find out that he's liking these accounts if I encounter a picture on my Explore page. Sorry if I made it seem like that in the original post. 

So then stop concerning yourself with what he is "liking" and stop telling him what he should and shouldn't "like" on IG, and you will find that you are happier and less stressed unnecessarily.  Focus on how your relationship is in real life.

[BaileyB]

He has a right to follow whatever he likes on Instagram. If you don’t like it, you do t have to date him. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He has a right to follow whatever he likes on Instagram. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to date him. 

My apology for the spelling mistake. 

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds immature, OP. 

The right guy for you will naturally be a little more discreet and classy, and stick to his word. This guy isn't it. 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

I said in the post - it's not the liking. It's the dishonesty, it's him saying he wouldn't do it again but then doing it again.

Except this wouldn’t be tan issue if it were cars or food recipes….

[Maldives]

Don't take it personally. That's men we all do it. Doesn't necessarily mean he's gonna cross a boundary. Having said that though, he should probably be a little bit more discreet and take your feelings into consideration and unfollow those models because it obviously impacts yourself. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

 It's just the dishonesty behind all of it. But maybe he does feel some shame? I don't know...

Unfortunately you seem to want to be the parent in the relationship and that alone is a romance killer. Unfortunately you two seem to be at different life stages.

Here you are deciding on anniversary gifts as if you are married and he's more in a beer pong frame of mind. You may do better with men who are more emotionally mature.

[smackie9]

So not worth it girl. There are nice honorable guys out there that would respect your feelings and adjust accordingly. Your BF in none of that. He doesn't care because to him he's entitled, lying is no big deal to him. You have to wonder what else is he been lying about. I doubt his friend's wife doesn't care, she probably doesn't know what her husband is up to. I say this is another possible lie. I would find this unacceptable and boot him to the curb. He's way too immature. 

[glows]

Even if him liking these pages is ok with you it’s his duplicity that seems immature. It’s all one big joke it appears. He says he thought you took it as a joke. People use humour or apparent humour to often cope with situations less than ideal. Or lie to say things are funny when they’re not. My next questions have more to do with his personal life, aspirations, what motivates him? Does he have other hobbies and things he likes to do aside from clicking on photos or images like this to offset stress or tension in other areas? 

While theres nothing wrong with what he likes to look at or how he wants to spend his time in this case you’re also looking at this person overall as a partner. You found he’s dishonest. Aside from being upset (if you put aside that for a second), does this person also bore you? Ie not compatible? 

[Ladiixmk]

Hey everyone. So I have a mini update - something else happened last night (on our anniversary, of all days) that is not related to this situation, but similar.

Long story short, he recorded us being intimate without my consent, and without telling me after he made the video (until I asked him this morning). I knew something was up because at one point I thought I heard his phone unlock. The next second, I saw his phone on top of a bottle pointing towards me. This is actually the second time he's done something like this, and I told him that it made me uncomfortable and that he should let me know if he's going to do this.

So how is this related to what I posted before? Well, in the beginning of our relationship, we spoke about a time when my ex did the exact same thing to me - record us having sex without me knowing. My boyfriend's response? He was silent for a few seconds, then finally said, "wow, that's [messed up]. He said my ex is a complete *sshole, that he can't believe there are guys out there that would stoop this low, and he would never do something like that to me. So once again - acting one way when he's talking to me, but then doing another thing down the road.

I'm not asking for advice on this, just giving an update. But I feel like he's broken my trust...

Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

 . But I feel like he's broken my trust...

Only you can decide how many times you want to throw your hands in the air saying he's such a naughty little boy, but then condone this utter disrespect by continuing with someone like this.

 

[Ladiixmk]

On 10/1/2022 at 3:13 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

I think his social media behavior is a problem. 

You have a right (I'd say duty) to notice things on his social media--and you can do this as you suggest without surveilling him.

There are two issues here. You focus on the lying. That is a serious issue for sure and I would not minimize that. Major red flag.  What I can't tell is what you think of all the liking of the bikini women. I sense that is a problem for you as well. Don't let fear of prudery shame you away form admitting that the bikini liking unnerves you as well.

I see his behavior as a major red flag. Proceed with caution. The more he lies to you now about social media, the more practice he gets, the more comfortable he gets with possibly lying to you later about seeing other women or hanging out in places and lying about it. 

Thank you. I think the bikini-liking does upset me, but I don't think it would've upset me had he been honest about it. What I'm 80% upset about is the lying....