Frustrated husband (31)

[Friddle32]

Well yesterday was our anniversary. I got her flowers and a card. She got me a card and mailed a tray of cookies/strawberries to my office.

after work she was going to cook meatloaf as we had nothing planned. I spoke with my father on the way home and he said “you gotta go out for your anniversary, I’ll watch the baby.”

so I texted her and said hey, scratch the meatloaf…my dad is watching the baby I’m taking you out tonight.

she agrees then 20 minutes later calls me crying because she didn’t have time to go home and change and “wanted to look pretty for me.” I told her don’t worry about it you're always pretty to me.

she went on and on about having to go in her scrubs and how I was dressed up from work. I said hey I’ve got running clothes in my car I’ll put them on so you don’t feel under dressed. No dice so we went as is.

dinner was going okay until I talked about being stressed with a lot to do at work. She tried to tell me maybe I need to find a new job and how she will help me update my resume. I said thanks but I like my job I’ve just been stressed lately and can’t focus. She said she understood but went virtually silent for the rest of the meal.

i asked her what was wrong and she said “I just miss the baby I want to go get him” I said come on,we never get out together let’s enjoy ourselves, my dad is watching him he’s fine. She insisted and her attitude didn’t improve much so we left shortly after.

well when we get back to my dads he starts talking about how watching the baby on Fridays is tough on him and he suggested we reach out to my mom. He suggested we offer her an extra $100 a month to pick up Fridays. (I hadn’t told my wife I started paying my mom $200 a month so she could watch the baby and not go back to work part time.) mostly because it wasn’t worth the inevitable argument and finding child care is hard enough.

when we get home my wife is crying again. I ask her what’s wrong and she goes off on a tirade about how dare my mom ask for money, who does she think she is, etc. She says “I’m not sending him to your moms anymore on Tuesday/Thursday.” And I’m not taking that new job on Monday, I’m going to stay home and watch him because your mom is ridiculous asking for money.

She says we will put him in daycare if we have to. i said no. No we will not I’m not putting my son in Day care and my mom is barely asking for anything $200 is nothing compared to the cost of daycare. I also said and you have to take that job it’s a good opportunity and it will screw us over if we lose an income.

She says and we’re not going to that birthday party for her cousin this weekend! I don’t want anything to do with her.

i tried to calm her down saying she’s over reacting and she says “oh I’m always over reacting, I’m so difficult to have a discussion with” “go have a discussion with a lawyer then.”

i said something about this being a simple solution and she goes “I can’t solve anything, I can’t make anything right, not our relationship, not anything…I’ll just kill myself. I told her to stop but she kept repeating it and eventually stormed off to bed.

all of this was while I was trying to dress our 1 year old for bed so I finally told her to leave the room because I didn’t want him to be exposed to that talk or her yelling.

this morning I let her have it. I told her that I cannot stay in a marriage like this. That I deserve a loving and respectful partner. I told her that what she said was unforgivable and that I would never threaten her with divorce on our anniversary.

i told her I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is incredibly unhealthy and I love her enough to want her with whoever makes her happy because this clearly isn’t working.

I told her that she does not think of me at all when she says things like that and doesn’t consider how her words make others feel. She agreed and said she truly doesn’t when she’s that upset.

We didn’t talk all day today until lately she’s been texting me saying she’s called a therapist and just wants her family back. Saying she’s going to work on herself and hopes we can fix things and move forward together. She kept saying she loves me, how she appreciates me loving her even though she is “difficult and so tough to love” and I don’t even want to respond.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry that happened on your anniversary.  Marriage is hard and you guys sound like a young couple.  Try to forgive her and move on from this.  As you can see she's sorry about what she said.

[Wiseman2]

Try to get your parents less involved. That is a source of irritation for her. Your mother does this, your father suggests that etc., etc.

You need to be one with her and stop allowing your parents to run the show and teaming up with them to bulldoze over her needs, feelings, thoughts and wishes. You believe it's helpful. But it's not.

Then telling her she's "overreacting" .Yikes that is about the worst slap in the face you could give someone who's already upset by you and your family drowning her out and running the show.

Marriage therapy may help open up communication and get the cards on the table with the help of a neutral professional. Most of all stop calling our folks and letting them call the shots.

[basil67]

I'm sorry, but I didn't get any further than you taking her out for a special dinner when she's wearing scrubs.  What were you thinking????

[Alpacalia]

Awe, OP.

Your heart was in the right place but your poor wife. Still having to wear her scrubs? Oh no.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[spiritedaway2003]

Having a newborn is hard.  Do you think she might be struggling with post-partum depression?  You sound like a young couple - keep working on it together.  I know it's easier to have your parents watch the baby, but in-laws can be a source friction as well.  Everyone has their own idea of how things should be done and what's done well/not well.  Just something to keep in mind.

[glows]

There were several moments where you weren’t listening to her and dismissing or minimizing what she wanted or was feeling. She didn’t want to wear what she was wearing. Your father was basically handholding and telling you what to do as a couple. Your mother has taken over watching the baby without any discussion about paying her with your wife. You made that decision on your own without first speaking to your wife about it. Why not then just give your mother $800 a month as a stipend? Forget about “paying” anyone for services. She’s your mother so giving her money is not out of the question if she’s too old to be working part time or it’s backbreaking for her. Talk about any finances together as a couple before making decisions. Do you often fight about money? 

And lastly complaining about work at dinner is just not great. Keep work at work in future. Your partner doesn’t need to hear that as it’s your responsibility to detach from work and not let it affect you especially when you’re focusing on each other as a couple. When she said she missed the baby the least you could offer was missing the wee one too, not try to convince her to have fun because it’s a rare occasion. 

You both might communicate a little better and have better boundaries regarding your parents stepping in without consulting each other first and leave your work at work.

[Friddle32]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry, but I didn't get any further than you taking her out for a special dinner when she's wearing scrubs.  What were you thinking????

She was coming from work and it was all she had with her. I even offered to wear my gym clothes so she didn’t feel out of place. We didn’t go anywhere super fancy either so scrubs were fine.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Friddle32

[Friddle32]

4 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Having a newborn is hard.  Do you think she might be struggling with post-partum depression?  You sound like a young couple - keep working on it together.  I know it's easier to have your parents watch the baby, but in-laws can be a source friction as well.  Everyone has their own idea of how things should be done and what's done well/not well.  Just something to keep in mind.

Unfortunately my parents are the only child care we have available. I shouldn’t even say that actually because they are great with the baby.

 Her parents are irresponsible and can never be relied upon. Not to mention they aren’t the best supervision and i really don’t feel comfortable having them watch the baby.

We both work all day and day care is expensive.

 

[Friddle32]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Awe, OP.

Your heart was in the right place but your poor wife. Still having to wear her scrubs? Oh no.

Yeah unfortunately we were both coming from work so it’s all she had. I would have liked to just enjoy dinner and have her appreciate the thought regardless.

[Friddle32]

3 hours ago, glows said:

There were several moments where you weren’t listening to her and dismissing or minimizing what she wanted or was feeling. She didn’t want to wear what she was wearing. Your father was basically handholding and telling you what to do as a couple. Your mother has taken over watching the baby without any discussion about paying her with your wife. You made that decision on your own without first speaking to your wife about it. Why not then just give your mother $800 a month as a stipend? Forget about “paying” anyone for services. She’s your mother so giving her money is not out of the question if she’s too old to be working part time or it’s backbreaking for her. Talk about any finances together as a couple before making decisions. Do you often fight about money? 

And lastly complaining about work at dinner is just not great. Keep work at work in future. Your partner doesn’t need to hear that as it’s your responsibility to detach from work and not let it affect you especially when you’re focusing on each other as a couple. When she said she missed the baby the least you could offer was missing the wee one too, not try to convince her to have fun because it’s a rare occasion. 

You both might communicate a little better and have better boundaries regarding your parents stepping in without consulting each other first and leave your work at work.

She didn’t have any other clothes with her and i offered to change into my gym clothes to make her more comfortable.

 My father was more so offering us a solution and telling us how to deal with my mother and make it appealing to her as she can be tough to deal with and he was married to her for 20 years.

my parents have provided child care the babies who life because we both work and her parents are unreliable and irresponsible. My mom is only asking for $200 a month to cover gas/diapers and whatever else she might need watching the baby 2 days a week. That’s more than reasonable and a fraction of the cost of day care/keeps the baby with family.

 Lastly, she brought up my work and asked me how it was going. I said it was a long day/busy week and she started talking about me finding somewhere new. When i said no no i like my job it’s just been a tough week and tried to move on from it she got upset.

 Also, I did tell her i missed the baby as well but said we will see him soon. Let’s just enjoy this time together while we have it because she is always complaining we never get to go out together or spend time alone.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

She didn’t have any other clothes with her and i offered to change into my gym clothes to make her more comfortable.

 My father was more so offering us a solution and telling us how to deal with my mother and make it appealing to her as she can be tough to deal with and he was married to her for 20 years.

my parents have provided child care the babies who life because we both work and her parents are unreliable and irresponsible. My mom is only asking for $200 a month to cover gas/diapers and whatever else she might need watching the baby 2 days a week. That’s more than reasonable and a fraction of the cost of day care/keeps the baby with family.

 Lastly, she brought up my work and asked me how it was going. I said it was a long day/busy week and she started talking about me finding somewhere new. When i said no no i like my job it’s just been a tough week and tried to move on from it she got upset.

 Also, I did tell her i missed the baby as well but said we will see him soon. Let’s just enjoy this time together while we have it because she is always complaining we never get to go out together or spend time alone.

Thanks for clarifying. I think you’re both rubbed a bit raw and the spur of the moment dinner date is more or less the hair that broke the camel’s back. Too many tensions under the surface and hands in the cookie jar. You’re all trying to do your best with the best of intentions and it’s also not coming out right or ill-timed. The best part? The brightest thing I can see? It’s that you both care about each other. Your wife cares about you and your work stress and you care about her and want her to have a good time. 

Regarding your parents they seem to love and care about your family too. You both might need to make more time to have those difficult discussions about parenting and what role your parents play. Don’t talk disparagingly about your wife’s family ever if it comes up. I’m sure she’s aware of any gong shows and any circus going on. She doesn’t need to be reminded how great your parents are in comparison to yours. Carry on together and talk more. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Friddle32 said:

because she is always complaining we never get to go out together or spend time alone.

Ok then plan these things in advance. Springing this on her last minute was your father's (bad) idea. You should have picked somewhere nice, gotten a sitter In Advance and not rushed in work clothes after work. This is not a pal you grab a beer with after work. She is your wife.

You need to think for yourself and don't expect last minute "surprises" to go over big. You seem to missing the point entirely that she is a woman who wants to go for an anniversary dinner. You know dressed up, fancy, romantic, etc. This last minute rush job was insensitive. You need to plan romance and dates or soon your bedroom will be dead. This episode is a wake  up call. 

You also need to make decisions jointly not with your mother and father and keep her on a need-to-know, last-to-know basis. That infuriates people and the insensitivity about last minute and gym clothes is treating her like a pal and quite hurtful. Don't you think she wants to feel sexy and attractive not schlump around in scrubs? . Be very careful about that. Going from lovers to roommates is the slope your on, but you can fix that with communication and forethought.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Els]

You're as much at fault as she is for the state of your relationship at the moment, IMO. Neither of you seems to know how to pick your battles or compromise or back down. It has to be your way or the highway, and yet you perceive her as unreasonable for doing the same thing. Maybe she is... but if she is, then so are you.

Here's a recap of what you could have done differently:

1. Planned your anniversary dinner in advance instead of on the literal afternoon of

2. When she sounded upset, say you'll reschedule the dinner for the weekend instead of insisting on going

3. You were 100% wrong to not tell her about the arrangement you had with your mother, because it involves HER child as well

4. If she wants to send the kid to daycare, is it really the end of the world? Lots of kids go to daycare

5. Why are you telling her what she should do with her job situation when you refuse to take her input on board as to what YOU should do with your job situation?

[Weezy1973]

Yes I think the "surprise" was a mistake, as it pretty much will always be with a young family. I think if you apologize, and let her know next time you'll plan something together.

 

That being said however, your wife really did majorly overreact. Threatening to kill herself over this (in front of your child no less), is pretty egregious. She has now apologized, but it's up to you whether or not to forgive her. As is often the case, the thing you have to think about: is this a one off or a pattern? If it's a one off, forgiving and working on your communication together is a great plan. If it's a pattern, then marriage therapy is the next logical step.

[Lotsgoingon]

Therapy sounds like an excellent idea. She is struggling. Incredibly indecisive, self-rejecting (the whole thing of her worrying how she looked--the joy of marriage is you can go with the flow and not always look great or even very good!) ... And she's finding complaints about everything--getting into the weeds about all kinds of minor matters. 

That threat about killing herself--you need to take that far more seriously than you seem to have. Sounds like she badly needed a hug, as hard as that would have been given how infuriating she was to deal with. She is clearly struggling emotionally. Any chance she's got postpartum depression lingering?

People don't casually say, "I should kill myself."  One more time brother: people do NOT casually say "I feel like killing myself." That's an alarm going off. 

Tip when she goes there, she needs a hug. Even if you feel mad and  disconnected, that's a major cry for help. Give her a hug. She's spiraling into self-rejection and self-loathing. Give her some compassion at that moment.

Now, you may still want to leave the marriage eventually, but first bring some insight here. See if you can give her some warmth and some encouragement to go get therapy. And sounds to me, like she's so bad off, she would benefit from some meds to get her out of this negative, joy-blocking funk she's in. She needs to talk to her GP and ideally get to a psychiatrist for possible meds---IN ADDITION to weekly therapy. That's how bad off she is. 

See if you can give her time to get herself together.  Because even if you leave, you're doing to be negotiating with someone who is mentally suffering and really tough to deal with. You're still facing the reality that the mother of your children is unstable. 

Question: is this behavior new? Or has she been like this since the beginning and you simply missed it? Or was she always a bit insecure and depressive but things are now just getting worse? 

 

[basil67]

I too, see a lack of listening to your wife in your descriptions of what's going on.   

Let's break this down.  Despite her protests, you insisted she attend dinner dressed in a way in which she wasn't comfortable.  You said she "went on and on" about having to do dinner in her scrubs, but yet you didn't listen to her.  What would it have taken for you to respect the fact that she wasn't comfortable going out dressed like that? It doesn't matter that you were willing to dress down.  What matters is that you forced her to do this even though she clearly felt it was the wrong time.   This is not what an anniversary dinner should look like.

So she's come home mad at you for not listening and finds that your plans for child care are being arranged by you and your family without her input.   And paying for your family to mind the baby without discussing it with your wife first is not OK.  You're supposed to be a team, making decisions together.    

You tell her that she must take the new job and then lay a guilt trip on her saying that if she didn't, it would screw you over. 

Then you dismiss all her concerns by telling her she's over reacting. 

So basically, you took your wife to a surprise dinner which she didn't want to go to because she was wearing scrubs and you ignored her pleas.  She was still holding resentment at you for not listening when she found out that you were paying your mother behind her back.  Then you refused any discussion on professional childcare and insisted that she take a job

It's no wonder that lost her temper.  Granted, saying she'd kill herself is extreme, but they are clearly a reflection of how desperate she's feeling.  

All in all, you are in no position to be making comments about your wife not considering how her words make others feel when you're clearly unable to see how your own words and actions affect her.    I suspect her work with the therapist will be enlightening for her.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/2/2022 at 7:16 PM, Friddle32 said:

She didn’t have any other clothes with her and i offered to change into my gym clothes to make her more comfortable.

You're still not getting it. She told you repeatedly she was uncomfortable. And you conitnued to override that and insist that you were fine with...well, Friddle, she wasn't. And you were not listening to that. You should have had more respect for her feelings there. 

Not cluing her in to your childcare arrangement with your mother was also a significant error in judgment on your part. No wonder she is upset, when you unilaterally made a decision without even telling her. She probably doesn't feel like a team when you're making choices like that behind her back. 

She is clearly struggling a lot and mentioning suicide is a serious alarm bell. But you seem to lack a lot of insight into your own role in this, and foist it mostly on your wife. I am actually quite surprised you don't see how you are very clearly part of the problem. 

[mark clemson]

Relationships boil down to a choice to continue them or not. Hopefully, despite the temporary "storm" you both actually want to continue.

Babies are important, and people can get anxious and prefer to have them in sight/at hand much of the time until they're older. I'd suggest giving ground on this issue, as it may be very important to her/causing her distress via anxiety over the baby.

Your wife may feel "pulled in multiple directions" between keeping you happy and tending to the baby, and not be coping with it particularly well.

Those seem to be two issues among many. I think you might both benefit from marriage counseling as it can help to have a "referee" for difficult discussions that might need to be had.  Have her bring the baby to the session if need be.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/2/2022 at 8:03 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

That threat about killing herself--you need to take that far more seriously than you seem to have. Sounds like she badly needed a hug, as hard as that would have been given how infuriating she was to deal with. She is clearly struggling emotionally. Any chance she's got postpartum depression lingering?

I agree with you that she's in a need of a hug. Maybe a touch of depression.

Overwork makes me say that sometimes. It's what I say (to myself) when I feel like my head is about to explode.

Wife planned a nice meatloaf dinner for you two to enjoy and she wanted to look pretty for you.

Stress is affecting both of you.

It was kind of you to invite her out for dinner, but it was unkind of you to pour your stress straight onto her dinner plate.

There is an opportunity for both of you to complement the other more if you can both try to come together as a team.

Decide with her, not against her.

 

[Will am I]

@Friddle32you seem to be making all the rookie mistakes

It's nice that you're making efforts to please your wife. Next time listen to her on how she would like to be pleased.