poppyfields Posted October 1, 2022 Posted October 1, 2022 The pressure he's feeling is NOT coming from you directly. It comes from this now being a "serious" relationship versus an easy breezy casual FWB situation wherein there were no expectations, no responsibilities, he could come and go as he pleases. It's his own internal conflict and there may be nothing you can do, except to go back to being FWBs or stop seeing him altogether. If me, I would end it but then again I'd never agree to FWB in the first place. 1
Author Msblueeyez Posted October 1, 2022 Author Posted October 1, 2022 32 minutes ago, poppyfields said: The pressure he's feeling is NOT coming from you directly. It comes from this now being a "serious" relationship versus an easy breezy casual FWB situation wherein there were no expectations, no responsibilities, he could come and go as he pleases. It's his own internal conflict and there may be nothing you can do, except to go back to being FWBs or stop seeing him altogether. If me, I would end it but then again I'd never agree to FWB in the first place. I am not going back to being fwb and he shouldn’t have agreed to wanting this to become serious if he lacks the integrity to keep his word and put his money where his mouth is. I am seeing him in a different light now and I don’t tolerate lack of integrity or wishy washy emasculated boys who don’t know what candy flavour they want. I am fed up as you can probably tell and I am out.
poppyfields Posted October 1, 2022 Posted October 1, 2022 7 hours ago, Msblueeyez said: I just responded to him "ok take care" and nothing else. He responded "take care too". This^ sounds like it's already over and done. Nothing more needs to be said, simply move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out. 1
glows Posted October 1, 2022 Posted October 1, 2022 2 hours ago, Msblueeyez said: I am not going back to being fwb and he shouldn’t have agreed to wanting this to become serious if he lacks the integrity to keep his word and put his money where his mouth is. I am seeing him in a different light now and I don’t tolerate lack of integrity or wishy washy emasculated boys who don’t know what candy flavour they want. I am fed up as you can probably tell and I am out. Yes, it’s time to be done with him. Block and delete or just mute the number so you don’t get notifications. Doesn’t matter if he reaches out. Don’t respond. 1
Hopeful30 Posted October 3, 2022 Posted October 3, 2022 It could be many things. He feels no need to try so hard because you guys are officially an item. He feels pressure because you are officially an item and is withdrawing as a coping mechanism. It's possible how you approach him also changed, and that made him feel differently about the transition. It's also possible you are feeling insecure because now that you're an item, you have more expectation of him. On a regular FWB, you would simply reschedule instead of anticipating effort. As I mentioned in another thread, the romantic element changes the entire dynamic of any relationship. I suspect that's why romance is the most challenging relationships of them all.
NuevoYorko Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) On 10/1/2022 at 5:23 AM, Msblueeyez said: He said last week he wanted to try something more serious between us. Sorry, but I've never heard of any real relationships being built on a foundation like this. I posted on your first thread about this, so I know the backstory. You messed around for a few weeks, then didn't see or talk for a long time, he wanted to just have casual sex with you when convenient, then the cousin told you he was trying to decide between you and some other lady. Now, suddenly, a few days later he wants to "try something more serious." Serious relationships develop. It's not like, say, trying a new restaurant. DATING is the part where the two people spend time together checking each other out and seeing if they are compatible. Looks like you haven't even made it to the Whatever was going on with him when you posted your first thread - which was not even a week ago - hasn't changed. And why would it have changed? You've not spent any real time together. Back way off. If he actually wants to be your boyfriend, you will be hearing from him a lot. Otherwise, forget him. Should be easy. Edited October 4, 2022 by NuevoYorko 1
Author Msblueeyez Posted October 4, 2022 Author Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: It could be many things. He feels no need to try so hard because you guys are officially an item. He feels pressure because you are officially an item and is withdrawing as a coping mechanism. It's possible how you approach him also changed, and that made him feel differently about the transition. It's also possible you are feeling insecure because now that you're an item, you have more expectation of him. On a regular FWB, you would simply reschedule instead of anticipating effort. As I mentioned in another thread, the romantic element changes the entire dynamic of any relationship. I suspect that's why romance is the most challenging relationships of them all. Romance is the most challenging relationships of them all because people are selfish. They are in a relationship to serve their own selfish needs and the other person has to cater to their needs and expectations. And because we are humans and that is humanly impossible to sustain, the relationships have all kids of issues. But that is not love. Love is being there FOR THE OTHER. To help the other grow and grow together and that sometimes means putting out selfish needs on the side. It means being devoted to the other, nurture the relationship, know the other person well and be there for them. Long lasting relationships are between two emotionally available and open people who are devoted to each other. When people are focused on taking from the other instead of providing, then yes you become insecure, all sorts of traumas come up and this kind of dynamics happen like with this guy. Edited October 4, 2022 by Msblueeyez
Author Msblueeyez Posted October 4, 2022 Author Posted October 4, 2022 6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Sorry, but I've never heard of any real relationships being built on a foundation like this. I posted on your first thread about this, so I know the backstory. You messed around for a few weeks, then didn't see or talk for a long time, he wanted to just have casual sex with you when convenient, then the cousin told you he was trying to decide between you and some other lady. Now, suddenly, a few days later he wants to "try something more serious." Serious relationships develop. It's not like, say, trying a new restaurant. DATING is the part where the two people spend time together checking each other out and seeing if they are compatible. Looks like you haven't even made it to the Whatever was going on with him when you posted your first thread - which was not even a week ago - hasn't changed. And why would it have changed? You've not spent any real time together. Back way off. If he actually wants to be your boyfriend, you will be hearing from him a lot. Otherwise, forget him. Should be easy. Is not easy because this story has been going on for too long. But yes you are right, I have an idea of the type of partner I want and he hasn't showed me in any way he is that person. So I am backing off and am not available. I feel he is with me with one foot in and one foot out, and unless is a clear FUC* YES then is a no.
Hopeful30 Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 8 hours ago, Msblueeyez said: Romance is the most challenging relationships of them all because people are selfish. They are in a relationship to serve their own selfish needs and the other person has to cater to their needs and expectations. And because we are humans and that is humanly impossible to sustain, the relationships have all kids of issues. But that is not love. Love is being there FOR THE OTHER. To help the other grow and grow together and that sometimes means putting out selfish needs on the side. It means being devoted to the other, nurture the relationship, know the other person well and be there for them. Long lasting relationships are between two emotionally available and open people who are devoted to each other. When people are focused on taking from the other instead of providing, then yes you become insecure, all sorts of traumas come up and this kind of dynamics happen like with this guy. So then it looks like your idea of relationships is different than your FWB. He appears to think it's for selfish purposes, while you want a person to grow with and be devoted to. Looks like it's time to move on... 1
poppyfields Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) 14 hours ago, Msblueeyez said: Romance is the most challenging relationships of them all because people are selfish. They are in a relationship to serve their own selfish needs and the other person has to cater to their needs and expectations. And because we are humans and that is humanly impossible to sustain, the relationships have all kids of issues. But that is not love. Love is being there FOR THE OTHER. To help the other grow and grow together and that sometimes means putting out selfish needs on the side. It means being devoted to the other, nurture the relationship, know the other person well and be there for them. Long lasting relationships are between two emotionally available and open people who are devoted to each other. When people are focused on taking from the other instead of providing, then yes you become insecure, all sorts of traumas come up and this kind of dynamics happen like with this guy. I am going to challenge you on this^ as what I have learned is that love is about giving AND receiving (taking). And yes that also means being selfish sometimes, NOT all the time, but if we are not selfish sometimes, we risk being exploited, taken advantage of and/or used. So by all means be selfish, think of yourself and your needs and be sure you are with someone who is able to meet your needs. Your partner should be doing the same. On the other hand, it's also what you have written above, it's about giving and compromising. Being there for your partner - for each other. It's a balance, often times a very delicate balance between giving and taking, and the best relationships are when you both respect each other, care about each other, have the ability to listen to each other, communicate, and compromise. None of this applies to you and this man imho because between this thread and your previous, he was never "all in" even when he said he wanted to "try" serious. It was always a game to him, pitting you against another woman. This is NOT a man you should want anything to do with, not even a friendship imo. That was YOUR cue to become selfish, think of yourself and walk away. See how that works? PS. My mum once said something to me that has always resonated. She said "poppy, we weren't placed on this Earth to be martyrs. That was not God's plan. Be there for him (your partner), be the best you can be, but it's important you are there for yourself too. Because at the end of the day, YOU are all you've got." Granted she said this after my dad left her and she was hurting but I still think those were very wise words and I have never forgotten them. Oh and by the way, I recently got married and I have shared my mom's words with him and HE agrees. Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields 1
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