I feel he is pulling away after we decided to try to go serious

[Msblueeyez]

I posted here not while ago about a fwb I have and discovered I have feelings for him. 

We talked last week and he confessed he has feelings for me too and wants to try a serious relationship. 

We met last week and it was lovely. He asked for me to tell him when I can meet again. I told him I can meet Friday (yesterday) and he said he is going to work until late but if he finishes early he'll let me know.

He said nothing yesterday and this morning sent me a message saying sorry but he arrived late yesterday. I told him that is fine and that I can meet today later on as well.

He responded saying he can't meet today because his mother is coming back from a 2 week vacations and he is going to have dinner with her... 

Last year when we got involved there was a day he said he was going to have dinner with his family but he came afterwards to meet me. This time he said he simply cannot meet me.

I feel this is BS to avoid see me and that he is just giving an escuse. What man prefers to have dinner with his mom instead of meeting the woman he likes? And even if that was true we could meet after the dinner, after all I am having dinner with my parents today as well but would be ok to meet after dinner.

But no he just closed the door saying he can't today.

I just responded to him "ok take care" and nothing else. He responded "take care too". 

I feel rejected and like I am an idiot or something like that. If he doesn't want to see me or is pulling away fine, but just don't give me BS excuses because I am not stupid. 

I am starting to decide to leave him for good and just move on. 

Do you also feel this is a BS excuse of him? Thank you.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Despin]

What kind of a man prefers to have dinner with his mom [on occasion] rather than meeting the woman he likes?

A good, caring, loving man.

What sort of a woman triggers and is considering dumping a guy because he doesn't meet her for dinner one time?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

He responded saying he can't meet today because his mother is coming back from a 2 week vacations and he is going to have dinner with her...

He mentioned he does not want a relationship and is seeing another woman. So perhaps that's what he is telling you? This seems quite one sided with you chasing and him running, no?

Edited October 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Msblueeyez]

6 minutes ago, Despin said:

What kind of a man prefers to have dinner with his mom [on occasion] rather than meeting the woman he likes?

A good, caring, loving man.

What sort of a woman triggers and is considering dumping a guy because he doesn't meet her for dinner one time?

 

 

Because he is using it as an excuse. Is clear as water.

He could have dinner with his mom and meet with me afterwards.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Msblueeyez]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He mentioned he does not want a relationship and is seeing another woman. So perhaps that what he is telling you?

He said last week he wanted to try something more serious between us.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

He said last week he wanted to try something more serious between us.

But he's not doing that. He's running from you to be with his other FWB. Let him go. You'll be a lot happier.

[glows]

I felt bad reading what you wrote and also knowing that you have feelings for this person. I agree with you, OP, that he’s not as interested.

It’s been an fwb for some time and this wasn’t just a casual hook up once or twice. You’ve been seeing him for some time and only just reconnected. You also had the guts to tell him how you felt and his response in your previous thread was so severely off putting you needed to hear other opinions about him possibly seeing someone else. He then apparently seems he wants to try a relationship with you but declined meeting with you without alternatives. Did he suggest meeting another time? 

My thoughts are he’s simply going with the flow to get sex and agreed to date you to keep seeing you for sex. He’s been unavailable emotionally for some time. You are the one who is now open and available to date but he doesn’t seem to be a good option.

Theres a lot of lead up to this and it’s not just about declining now without alternatives. Don’t make yourself so available to him and certainly not for sex or meeting up later. If he wants to date you then he can date you. Go out and do things together but not do overnighters or meet up late at night.

[Msblueeyez]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

I felt bad reading what you wrote and also knowing that you have feelings for this person. I agree with you, OP, that he’s not as interested.

It’s been an fwb for some time and this wasn’t just a casual hook up once or twice. You’ve been seeing him for some time and only just reconnected. You also had the guts to tell him how you felt and his response in your previous thread was so severely off putting you needed to hear other opinions about him possibly seeing someone else. He then apparently seems he wants to try a relationship with you but declined meeting with you without alternatives. Did he suggest meeting another time? 

My thoughts are he’s simply going with the flow to get sex and agreed to date you to keep seeing you for sex. He’s been unavailable emotionally for some time. You are the one who is now open and available to date but he doesn’t seem to be a good option.

Theres a lot of lead up to this and it’s not just about declining now without alternatives. Don’t make yourself so available to him and certainly not for sex or meeting up later. If he wants to date you then he can date you. Go out and do things together but not do overnighters or meet up late at night.

I cannot date a man I like with restrictions. Not being too available, not meeting at night, etc. That can work yes for a man I am starting to date, but in his case we already know each other well so having restrictions is ridiculous. 

And is ridiculous because if I do have restrictions is because I sense he is not that into me. And why date a man who is not that into me? I think I needed this to happen to open my eyes. And no he gave no alternatives.

He either dates me properly or I am out.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[glows]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

I cannot date a man I like with restrictions. Not being too available, not meeting at night, etc. That can work yes for a man I am starting to date, but in his case we already know each other well so having restrictions is ridiculous. 

And is ridiculous because if I do have restrictions is because I sense he is not that into me. And why date a man who is not that into me? I think I needed this to happen to open my eyes.

He either dates me properly or I am out.

It’s not about having restrictions. It’s about starting at a different pace and getting to know one another on a much more cerebral or intellectual level instead of throwing yourself at him in the same way as an fwb. Meeting late at night isn’t dating properly.

[Msblueeyez]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But he's not doing that. He's running from you to be with his other FWB. Let him go. You'll be a lot happier.

I was thinking the same. He is not meeting his mother, he is meeting his other fwb.

But his excuse is ridiculous.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

He either dates me properly or I am out.

Then just free yourself. He has not indicated that he is going to give up his other FWB nor indicated that you two are dating, "serious" or in an exclusive relationship. Try not to chase indifferent, damaged, confused, wounded, busy, etc., men who want to continue sleeping around. It's a headache and heartache you don't need.

[Msblueeyez]

Just now, glows said:

It’s not about having restrictions. It’s about starting at a different pace and getting to know one another on a much more cerebral or intellectual level instead of throwing yourself at him in the same way as an fwb. Meeting late at night isn’t dating properly.

Well he said he couldn’t meet anyway with a BS excuse and gave no alternative. That is not dating properly either.

There’s nothing wrong with meeting after dinner on a Saturday night to me.

[glows]

Just now, Msblueeyez said:

Well he said he couldn’t meet anyway with a BS excuse and gave no alternative. That is not dating properly either.

There’s nothing wrong with meeting after dinner on a Saturday night to me.

I don’t think this is going to work. You’re very angry and offended and I agree he could have offered alternatives. I’m sorry but I do think you’re still acting like an fwb. The nature of the relationship has changed. If you want changes, don’t respond to the same patterns as before. 

[Msblueeyez]

2 hours ago, Despin said:

 

 

No I picked up he was making an excuse not to see me. There were many times before we would have dinner with parents and met afterwards. This time was a total ‘can’t meet’ from him.

I am not stupid and could sense his BS.

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I am not stupid and could sense his BS.

Yes the dinner with mom story is a lie as usual so he can avoid you and sleep with his other FWB. You've been around him long enough to know all his excuses by now. Dump him completely and find a man who respects you, wants to see you and only you and wants what you want. Why waste your time sitting home listening to excuses and lies when you know he's probably rolling in bed with his other FWB?

Edited October 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

I am done with this guy.

Good call. You owe him nothing and he is still as disrespectful as always. Free yourself.

[Msblueeyez]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes the dinner with mom story is a lie as usual so he can avoid you and sleep with his other FWB. You've been around him long enough to know all his excuses by now. Dump him completely and find a man who respects you, wants to see you and only you and wants what you want. Why waste your time sitting home listening to excuses and lies when you know he's probably rolling in bed with his other FWB?

You are so right. Looking back, I think those months I was abroad and didn’t see him I was much happier than when I am with him.

Actually I have another guy who is been wanting to go out on a date with me for a long time. I am going to tell him I am free and go on that date.

I am done with this guy and his wishy washy behaviour. I want a man who wants me and things are easy.

[BaileyB]

If my boyfriend declined meeting me because he had plans to have dinner with his mother I would simply say, “That’s great. Have a nice time.” 

It would not bother me in the least and I would not feel rejected.

You feel rejected because you are trying to turn a FWB relationship into a legit boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You are trying to make wine out of water here. So, this perceived “slight” means much more than it would otherwise be perceived. 

ETA, I think you would be wise to let this go. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[Msblueeyez]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If my boyfriend declined meeting me because he had plans to have dinner with his mother I would simply say, “That’s great. Have a nice time.” 

It would not bother me in the least and I would not feel rejected.

You feel rejected because you are trying to turn a FWB relationship into a legit boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You are trying to make wine out of water here. So, this perceived “slight” means much more than it would otherwise be perceived. 

ETA, I think you would be wise to let this go. 

I felt rejected because I know him well enough to know that was a lie and an excuse not to meet me. 

But you are right, I am better to let this go.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

He either dates me properly or I am out.

You're not giving him the chance to do that. Dating a woman properly is NOT running to her late at night, even if you know her well. You want a relationship from him but you're keeping him in the fwb dynamic 'coming over for sex'. Men build feelings of love by experiencing the fun of life with you. Next time offer him to do an activity together, get concerts tickets, go to a comedy night club, flea market, try a fun restaurant, etc. 

A man that truly value you will want to spend day time with you. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

We talked last week and he confessed he has feelings for me too and wants to try a serious relationship. 

This^ conversation sounds awkward.  He wants to "try" a serious relationship?  

That's not how it works, not in my experience. When two people develop feelings for each other, getting serious is a natural progression. 

It's not something you "try" but rather something you "do," often times it doesn't even need to be discussed. 

So I'm curious how that conversation came about because again it sounds awkward and forced. 

Here's what I think is happening.  Since deciding to try serious, he now feels pressured.  It's clear you now have certain expectations, as evidenced by your use of the word "should" - he should do this, he should do that- and he's recoiling from those expectations and pressure and becoming turned off and as such distancing himself.

In turn, you're hurt and angry which only causes him to become more turned off and distancing. 

Lather rinse repeat 

My advice OP is chill.  Give him some space and room to breathe.  

This sudden transition from FWB to "serious" with all the expectations has the potential to destroy what you had even as FWBs.

Let things progress naturally and gradually.  No pushing. 

If he's busy, go do your own thing.  Show him through your actions you're okay with a little space and you won't envelop and suffocate him with your expectations and needs. 

With that attitude you might find him wanting to move closer to you, not distancing himself.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Normally I would say that you are being far too sensitive. 

However....Just days ago, you had a thread all about how he didn't want a relationship and had been hurt by his ex and only offererd you FWB. 

I have a very hard time believing he's had a sincere change of heart in less than a week. He still doesn't seem to want what you want, and I have a feeling he told you he wanted to "try" something serious to appease you . This isn't working. It's time to admit to yourself that he's not in your future, so you can find a man who doesn't have all these doubts and reservations and lukewarm interest. 

[Msblueeyez]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You're not giving him the chance to do that. Dating a woman properly is NOT running to her late at night, even if you know her well. You want a relationship from him but you're keeping him in the fwb dynamic 'coming over for sex'. Men build feelings of love by experiencing the fun of life with you. Next time offer him to do an activity together, get concerts tickets, go to a comedy night club, flea market, try a fun restaurant, etc. 

A man that truly value you will want to spend day time with you. 

We do all that already, not just meeting for sex.

[Msblueeyez]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Normally I would say that you are being far too sensitive. 

However....Just days ago, you had a thread all about how he didn't want a relationship and had been hurt by his ex and only offererd you FWB. 

I have a very hard time believing he's had a sincere change of heart in less than a week. He still doesn't seem to want what you want, and I have a feeling he told you he wanted to "try" something serious to appease you . This isn't working. It's time to admit to yourself that he's not in your future, so you can find a man who doesn't have all these doubts and reservations and lukewarm interest. 

I totally agree! Actions speak louder than words.

[Msblueeyez]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

This^ conversation sounds awkward.  He wants to "try" a serious relationship?  

That's not how it works, not in my experience. When two people develop feelings for each other, getting serious is a natural progression. 

It's not something you "try" but rather something you "do," often times it doesn't even need to be discussed. 

So I'm curious how that conversation came about because again it sounds awkward and forced. 

Here's what I think is happening.  Since deciding to try serious, he now feels pressured.  It's clear you now have certain expectations, as evidenced by your use of the word "should" - he should do this, he should do that- and he's recoiling from those expectations and pressure and becoming turned off and as such distancing himself.

In turn, you're hurt and angry which only causes him to become more turned off and distancing. 

Lather rinse repeat 

My advice OP is chill.  Give him some space and room to breathe.  

This sudden transition from FWB to "serious" with all the expectations has the potential to destroy what you had even as FWBs.

Let things progress naturally and gradually.  No pushing. 

If he's busy, go do your own thing.  Show him through your actions you're okay with a little space and you won't envelop and suffocate him with your expectations and needs. 

With that attitude you might find him wanting to move closer to you, not distancing himself.

 

All well with what you said, but it was HIM who asked me to tell him when I am available to meet this weekend.

I told him when twice and twice he was busy with other things and offered no alternatives to meet.

So no I didn’t ‘pressure’ him and also I didn’t show him I was angry. I simply said ok to him. I am showing my frustration and anger here on this forum, I didn’t show it to him.

So why ask when I am available to meet, I tell him twice and he rejects me? Makes no sense.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Msblueeyez