Hooked up with a coworker

[kovalchoke123]

I've had feelings for a coworker of mine for a few months. I am 29, she is 26. We've had light flirting and she has always initiated texts/snaps. I've noticed in the past few weeks she has been orbiting me, sitting close to me etc. Last weekend there was a company event where everybody got drunk and afterwards i was invited to another coworker's place for drinks, there were about 5-7 people here, some roommates and some other coworkers. I was a little drunk but otherwise okay to drive there. I saw her by herself on her phone and i went up and talked to her. After blurting out i thought she was hot she said the same and asked "what do you want to do about it?". She then dragged me to another room and we sat and talked. She said she's known I've liked her this whole time and said i was the 3rd guy at work she's had a thing for. She also admitted she thinks I'm hot when we're playing coed hockey together.  She also said another coworker messaged her about a month ago asking what she thought of me, to which she said something i can't remember. At this point I didn't think too much of her being drunk, because she talked in a civil manner. I confessed my feelings for her, i ask her why she keeps going for the a**h***s and she should stop. she tells me her life is a mess and she really doesn't deserve anything. After this we take some hits from a bong with weed in it, and i am totally baked. I start hugging everyone and following her around the house. We talk more and make out a few times, and I also held her hand for a bit. I ask her what she thinks of me and she says i'm a funny guy, "but you're my coworker" and "what if our boss finds out". I also remembered some of the other people in the house came and checked up on us. After this she kind of pushes me away and says we should just be friends. She blacks out and spends the night, so I leave and am okay to drive home. 

The next few days are awkward, she ignores me and i am sensing a bad vibe. I ask the other coworker that was there that night and she says i was trying to take advantage of her being drunk when i "wasn't". I tell her I was drunk but I didn't even do anything, just talked for the most part. the next day i tried apologizing for my behaviour to the girl i liked and she says "there's nothing to talk about? it's all swept under a rug lol i'm not mad i don't even remember anything but i was told "things" and honestly just pretend nothing happened and move on". I try to make small talk at work and she brushes me off. 

What exactly happened here? Did she really not remember anything? Did the other coworker spread a rumor to her that I assaulted her? I just find it unfair that I was partially drunk and also baked and she doesn't want to listen to my side of the story? This really sucks because I really liked her and miss talking to her. I feel like this will never go back to normal like before. 

One thing I also noticed is the coworker that accused me has been trying to set her up with her boyfriend's brother (who was also there). But she has told me she isn't into him. Could there have been an ulterior motive to make me look bad to her?

 

tl;dr I have feelings for a coworker that i confessed while we were both drunk/baked, made out but now she ignores me at work and I think somebody said something bad about me. I know i shouldn't s*** where i eat, but all these months i haven't actively pursued her or done anything inappropriate, i was just being a good guy that listened to her problems, gave her advice and talked to her like any other good person would do. this just sort of slipped and happened. 

Edited September 30, 2022 by kovalchoke123
added more

[flitzanu]

it sounds like she has pretty clearly said she isn't interested, so pushing even further is all going to end badly.  be concerned with what she is saying to you, not worrying about "what someone else is saying to her"

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said:

"but you're my coworker" and "what if our boss finds out".  she kind of pushes me away and says we should just be friends. She blacks out.  I ask the other coworker that was there that night and she says i was trying to take advantage of her being drunk when i "wasn't".

I would step far away from this. First of all she mentioned work. The you two were too wasted.

Then a friend claims you 'took advantage". You really need to leave her alone now and be professional before she reports you or worse, her friends convince her to charge you with date rape. Your title states you hooked up but now you state you didn't, which is it?

Stay far far away from women who are too wasted to consent. Add to this that, this is a work event. She wants to forget this drunken wasted mess so let it fade away and be professional at work and work events.

[kovalchoke123]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would step far away from this. First of all she mentioned work. The you two were too wasted.

Then a friend claims you 'took advantage". You really need to leave her alone now and be professional before she reports you or worse, her friends convince her to charge you with date rape. Your title states you hooked up but now you state you didn't, which is it?

Stay far far away from women who are too wasted to consent. Add to this that, this is a work event. She wants to forget this drunken wasted mess so let it fade away and be professional at work and work events.

Was I in the wrong here? 

I get it, I am staying away. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said:

Was I in the wrong here? I get it, I am staying away. 

It doesn't matter. She wants to forget this mess and so should you.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kovalchoke123 said:

She blacks out and spends the night, so I leave and am okay to drive home. 

You drove home when you were partially drunk and smoking weed? Be careful with this, you shouldn’t be on the road. 

She has clearly had a change of heart. You would be wise to take some distance and keep it professional at work. 

[kovalchoke123]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You drove home when you were partially drunk and smoking weed? Be careful with this, you shouldn’t be on the road. 

She has clearly had a change of heart. You would be wise to take some distance and keep it professional at work. 

I know, but I'm just trying to say i wasn't 100% myself and they shouldn't be blaming me for my actions that night. 

I get it, that's what i'm doing. But it hurts me that she won't ever talk to me anymore because I was so happy just talking to her and being her friend. Now i am just lonely at work 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said:

I know, but I'm just trying to say i wasn't 100% myself and they shouldn't be blaming me for my actions that night. 

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are always responsible for yourself. I understand that you are hurt by her rejection, but you need to accept responsibility here. Things got out of control for both of you, and this is the consequence. If you don’t like it, I suggest that you tone down the alcohol and the weed. Be glad you didn’t hit anyone when you were driving home. The police wouldn’t except - “I’m sorry, I wasn’t 100% myself” either. 

Give it some time. Be polite and respect her decision. Maybe things will change with time…

Edited September 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said:

 they shouldn't be blaming me for my actions that night. 

It doesn't matter. Her people are already talking that you ran around wasted and being obnoxious with her while she was too wasted to consent to anything. Live and learn. The last thing you need is a sexual harassment accusation, date rape accusation or DUI. 

[kovalchoke123]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would step far away from this. First of all she mentioned work. The you two were too wasted.

Then a friend claims you 'took advantage". You really need to leave her alone now and be professional before she reports you or worse, her friends convince her to charge you with date rape. Your title states you hooked up but now you state you didn't, which is it?

Stay far far away from women who are too wasted to consent. Add to this that, this is a work event. She wants to forget this drunken wasted mess so let it fade away and be professional at work and work events.

Well we just made out, thats not really hooking up i guess. 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's never smart to engage with a coworker while you both are high.  You can't even guarantee consent with someone is high.

You both were dumb. If you have a real emerging relationship and some chemistry, you do NOT want to be high or in some drug-altered state. The excitement is a natural high.

Heads up: ignorance is no excuse for fooling around with someone who is intoxicated. "I didn't know" is not a legitimate excuse. It's your job to know whether they are intoxicated or not (same with you) when you put your hands on someone. 

[kovalchoke123]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are always responsible for yourself. I understand that you are hurt by her rejection, but you need to accept responsibility here. Things got out of control for both of you, and this is the consequence. If you don’t like it, I suggest that you tone down the alcohol and the weed. Be glad you didn’t hit anyone when you were driving home. The police wouldn’t except - “I’m sorry, I wasn’t 100% myself” either. 

Give it some time. Be polite and respect her decision. Maybe things will change with time…

I'm more hurt by the fact she ignores me and won't even talk to me anymore. I feel so useless and full of despair. I have a feeling she will never be cordial with me ever again...this hurts me so much because we were all a tight knit group and me being obnoxious and careless under the influence just rips it all apart. 

[Lotsgoingon]

She's likely ignoring you to draw a boundary and to make clear that she isn't interested in getting with you while sober. She may also be embarrassed that she was so intoxicated.  

This coldness will pass. Takes time. But it will pass. 

You are not useless. But if you feel that way, get to therapy. You will not win her over to friendliness by feeling useless. 

[mark clemson]

Don't bother trying to win her over either, IMO. Just move on to someone less "complicated". There are people who have a personal "policy" not to date or fool around with co-workers, and this sort of thing is exactly why (and frankly at the low end of "negative consequences" at least so far). It's awkward and distracting and there's the potential for real trouble.

De-escalate things from here and move on.

[glows]

6 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said:

I'm more hurt by the fact she ignores me and won't even talk to me anymore. I feel so useless and full of despair. I have a feeling she will never be cordial with me ever again...this hurts me so much because we were all a tight knit group and me being obnoxious and careless under the influence just rips it all apart. 

I get why you’re feeling upset and confused. We don’t know either what happened that night but from her reaction and what she’s saying to you now, keep cool and keep your distance. She’s not filing any police reports or complaints or causing issues with your employment or accusing you of harassment. Take this more as a learning experience and try not to get so high or drunk around anyone that you don’t know what’s happened. 

I think this will blow over and things will go back to normal or at least less awkward at work if you don’t keep pushing her or reacting to how you feel. Just let it go, greet with hi and bye and don’t get too personal at work. When you clock out leave and make sure you have friends outside of workmates too. Join a club or volunteer if you’re not sure where to start and want to make new friends.

Edited October 1, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said:

..this hurts me so much because we were all a tight knit group and me being obnoxious and careless under the influence just rips it all apart. 

Go to work to work. She doesn't owe you anything. All you can do is be friendly and professional at work from now on. Sadly you made a fool of yourself at a work related event.

Live and learn. Getting wasted and stupid is never a good look. Try to stop feeling sorry for yourself and remember that friendship and respect are earned, not a given by virtue of showing up for work.

Just toe the line and act with professionalism from now on. You're actually lucky you still have the job and she didn't file a harassment claim or sexual assault charge or that you weren't pulled over for a DUI.

Why not look into keeping clean and sober for now?

[salparadise]

22 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said:

After blurting out i thought she was hot she said the same and asked "what do you want to do about it?". She then dragged me to another room and we sat and talked.

I don't believe any of this is your fault, and all of this man-shaming or whatever, is bogus. 1. she initiated as much if not more than you by dragging you to another room, 2. it doesn't sound like she was so drunk that she had no ability to consent –– you both knew what you were doing at the time, 3. nothing really happened anyway beyond some kissing, which I assume she willingly participated in given that she didn't run for the exit, 4. you aren't responsible for her next-day regret by virtue of you being male. 

She had a few drinks, got to feeling a little frisky, took you to another room, talked and kissed some... and the next day she and the friend are acting like you're an evil predator. BS. The only way this shifting of blame could be legitimate is if she was so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing (unable to say no), or you pushed yourself onto her. And based on what you've said here that was not the case (the exact conditions for being unable to consent aren't well defined). Next-day regrets, embarrassment or whatever does not absolve her from responsibility for her own judgement and behavior.

I'd bet that this is mostly coming from the friend. She may have been fine the next day if the friend wasn't feeding her this narrative and telling her how she's supposed to feel. Your big mistake was mixing it up with coworkers and alcohol in a place where everyone could see everything. I think the fact that all of this occurred when everyone could see is the reason for the reaction. She's embarrassed at her own behavior and lack of self control after a few drinks. 

Lay low and see if it blows over, and in the meantime you might want to be sending out some resume's. I don't think it's actionable, but I also don't think they're going to have an epiphany any time soon and invite you back into the clique.  

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by salparadise

[kovalchoke123]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

I don't believe any of this is your fault, and all of this man-shaming or whatever, is bogus. 1. she initiated as much if not more than you by dragging you to another room, 2. it doesn't sound like she was so drunk that she had no ability to consent –– you both knew what you were doing at the time, 3. nothing really happened anyway beyond some kissing, which I assume she willingly participated in given that she didn't run for the exit, 4. you aren't responsible for her next-day regret by virtue of you being male. 

She had a few drinks, got to feeling a little frisky, took you to another room, talked and kissed some... and the next day she and the friend are acting like you're an evil predator. BS. The only way this shifting of blame could be legitimate is if she was so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing (unable to say no), or you pushed yourself onto her. And based on what you've said here that was not the case (the exact conditions for being unable to consent aren't well defined). Next-day regrets, embarrassment or whatever does not absolve her from responsibility for her own judgement and behavior.

I'd bet that this is mostly coming from the friend. She may have been fine the next day if the friend wasn't feeding her this narrative and telling her how she's supposed to feel. Your big mistake was mixing it up with coworkers and alcohol in a place where everyone could see everything. I think the fact that all of this occurred when everyone could see is the reason for the reaction. She's embarrassed at her own behavior and lack of self control after a few drinks. 

Lay low and see if it blows over, and in the meantime you might want to be sending out some resume's. I don't think it's actionable, but I also don't think they're going to have an epiphany any time soon and invite you back into the clique.  

 

when we sat and talked she was the one that stuck her face out and I kind of just went along with it. I did not force myself onto her at all and the only thing that was remotely close was when I reached out and held her hand but she didn't pull away. 

So you are saying she's embarrassed and regrets it is why she is so cold to me? Or that she has this idea I'm a predator from what she was told? 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, kovalchoke123 said:

So you are saying she's embarrassed and regrets it is why she is so cold to me? Or that she has this idea I'm a predator from what she was told? 

It doesn't matter. Let the dust settle and go to work and be polite and professional to everyone. That is the best recourse. Trying to figure all this out is not working.

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said:

So you are saying she's embarrassed and regrets it is why she is so cold to me? Or that she has this idea I'm a predator from what she was told? 

Well, they're not entirely separate, and I am guessing of course... but I'd bet that this friend of hers sold her the victim narrative. It's a shame, because you did nothing wrong. It was entirely consensual and your intentions were good. She led you on and then plays the victim. I hope you can find a way out of this toxic environment. 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, salparadise said:

I'd bet that this friend of hers sold her the victim narrative. It's a shame, because you did nothing wrong. It was entirely consensual and your intentions were good. She led you on and then plays the victim. I hope you can find a way out of this toxic environment. 

This^ was my read on it too OP.  

This person does not deserve the pedestal you have placed her on and my advice is distance yourself as far as you can from her and the situation.

She could make things very difficult for you if she wanted to and create an extremely toxic and hostile work environment and then blame you. 

Who you miss is who you thought she was, not the person she actually is.

You idealized her and petestalized her which clouded your judgment; now you know the "true" her, a Jezebal of sorts who is only out for herself, move on you can do better. 

I might even suggest finding another job if that's possible. 

Good luck moving forward from this mess, including her.

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited October 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

23 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said:

when we sat and talked she was the one that stuck her face out and I kind of just went along with it. I did not force myself onto her at all and the only thing that was remotely close was when I reached out and held her hand but she didn't pull away. 

So you are saying she's embarrassed and regrets it is why she is so cold to me? Or that she has this idea I'm a predator from what she was told? 

Eh nobody knows. It’s all speculation what she thinks. All you need to know is she’s cold, distancing, appears aloof. Be respectful and do the same remaining nothing short of professional only. The time for letting the emotions and personal stuff bleed into work is over.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Calmandfocused]

Your focus is all wrong Op. You’re missing the point. 

The worst thing you did here was drink, drug, and drive. That was completely unacceptable. This is what you should be feeling guilty and ashamed for. 

Know that a lot of women are turned off by irresponsibility. Maybe that swung it for her? Who knows? 

However stop taking responsibility and blame for her regrets. You didn’t do anything wrong. You responded to a woman who was hitting on you. Nothing more. 

Take the appropriate learning from this and let the mis appropriated blame go. 
 

Leave her alone and write her off as a drama queen. 
 

 

[kovalchoke123]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This^ was my read on it too OP.  

This person does not deserve the pedestal you have placed her on and my advice is distance yourself as far as you can from her and the situation.

She could make things very difficult for you if she wanted to and create an extremely toxic and hostile work environment and then blame you. 

Who you miss is who you thought she was, not the person she actually is.

You idealized her and petestalized her which clouded your judgment; now you know the "true" her, a Jezebal of sorts who is only out for herself, move on you can do better. 

I might even suggest finding another job if that's possible. 

Good luck moving forward from this mess, including her.

I'm sorry. 

 

I appreciate your insight....this has been a really tough week for me...i am a very sensitive guy.. I don't know how or why this became such a big deal when I really didn't do anything. It's been so tough. I hang out with friends and family and have hobbies, but I still feel lonely and this always creeps into my mind and I feel like a villain. I feel like I need to go to some isolated island and just live alone for an extended period or something 

Edited October 3, 2022 by kovalchoke123

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said:

I feel like a villain. I feel like I need to go to some isolated island and just live alone for an extended period or something 

You are not a villain. You drank irresponsibly and made a mistake - if you learn the lesson here, it won’t be wasted. You need to be more responsible with the drink and the drugs and you need to make another plan to get home if you are using. Regarding this woman, all you can do is give it some time, find something else to do and focus on other relationships. Relationships will come and go throughout your life, you need to let this go and focus on moving forward.