Looking for something serious - RED FLAGS

[Amanda92]

What are red flags while looking for a future husband?

I talk to guys that are 35-40 years old and most of them never were in a serious relationship, just maximum 2 years dating. Usually they say they didn't meet a woman they would want to spend the whole life with and they believe one day they just meet her. It seems weird for me that someone says they want a family and for 20 years dating they didn't meet a girl that would be enough for them?

What do you think?

[Calmandfocused]

Not necessarily no.

They may just be a victim of circumstance. Exactly as you are! 
 

Not having met the right person is not a red flag. Speaking badly about exes and not taking any responsibility for a relationship breakdown is. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Two years is somewhat a serious relationship.

I don't think it's a red flag. Maybe the guy got dumped, he wasn't the dumper. Maybe he did want a marriage but the ex didnt? A lot of things we don't know about their past.

You need to get to know more about them then decide whether YOU want to have a serious relationship with them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

What are red flags while looking for a future husband?I talk to guys that are 35-40 years old and most of them never were in a serious relationship, just maximum 2 years dating. What do you think?

Be careful about labeling men. Look for real and serious red flags. Personally I feel a bunch of divorces/failed long-term relationships is more of a red flag than someone who has the wherewithal to end things within 2 years if it's not working rather than dragging it out..

Edited September 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Els]

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It seems weird for me that someone says they want a family and for 20 years dating they didn't meet a girl that would be enough for them?

20 years dating? Are you expecting that everyone will start dating non-stop when they are 15?

Honestly, you're turning a non-issue into an issue. It's completely reasonable and sane for someone to spend their teens and twenties focusing on their career, themselves, travel, friends, education, etc. In fact I would be more concerned if a 15 (or even 20) year old boy's main priority was dating - that's never a good sign. Also, 2 years is a long term relationship in most people's books.

Also... errr... I might be remembering wrong, but aren't you the woman who says she won't date divorcees or men with kids? If it's a red flag that they haven't had a 2yr+ relationship but they also can't have been married or with children... how's that gonna work???

[glows]

It’s ok, OP. Look at the big picture - do you jive? Lives connect the dots? Background checks out? Similarities in outlook and goals? It’s better to be a bit more open minded and take blanket statements with a pinch of salt. Not to mention people are often nervous. Focus on the other things I listed above.

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Lotsgoingon]

Two years dating is an extremely serious relationship. I don't understand ....

[basil67]

Agreed, two years dating IS a serious relationship.   There could have been other issues which weren't related to the woman "not being enough for him".   Perhaps their life goals were heading in different directions?  Perhaps one wanted children and one didn't?  Perhaps they struggled with conflict resolution?  Perhaps he was focussed on his career till he was in his early 30's.  

You've previously stated that you want an educated, ambitious man.   There is a high chance that this kind of man could work long hours and it just didn't work for the relationship.  Do you want children one day?  If so, be careful that the guy you meet isn't so ambitious that you end up effectively being a single mother.

[Ami1uwant]

1-2 yrs is enough time to evaluate a relationship and decide on if this is something to lead to marriage or not. If you don’t see iypt going there then end it.

 

if someone said they never had relationships is going to be potentially a bigger concern.  Not necessarily a bad thing because. Thry could have had circumstances they didn’t persue a relationship in their 20s when it’s easier to meet people because of his career where he woukd move around often and he knew this was only 1-years so he might not have even tried.  In his20s he also could have decided to focus on his career like med school/ residency, law school/ getting parter, PhD/ being a tenured professor can take 10+ yrs to do.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShyViolet]

To me, two years is a pretty serious relationship.

This whole question is kind of hypocritical, don't you think?  You are judging them and acting like something is "wrong" with them for not having found someone to settle down with, basically for not having gotten married up until now, when the same exact thing can be said of YOU.  You are single and on the dating market and have never found someone to settle down with either.  

It's not fair to label someone or judge someone for being single, for not having found a permanent long-term relationship, at any age.  I mean, yes I would think it's a red flag if someone was over 30 and never had a relationship at all.  But if the person had two-year relationships in their past, that's normal.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

So you want to meet and marry someone but you hold it against the people you meet because they are single and not married. That's basically what you're saying. 

 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

What are red flags while looking for a future husband?

 

Husband hunting is generally considered a red flag, yes.  It makes men feel like a woman just wants a figurine on a cake more than the man himself.

It would be best to focus first on who is compatible with you and wants what you want .

[Lotsgoingon]

Dismissing people because they haven't been partnered more than two years--definite red flag. 

[max3732]

That's the situation I'm in and I don't think it's a red flag. Lots of guys spend time on their career or other things and didn't meet the right woman during that time. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

Having a few two year relationships sounds reasonable.

Would you prefer if he had a string of multiple marriages or multiple engagements?

How about date someone that has a similar relationship background.

Edited September 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dismissing people because they haven't been partnered more than two years--definite red flag. 

Amanda when is the last time you were in a relationship and how long did it last?

[Hopeful30]

I am this person. I want a family and kids, I'm in my mid30s and still have not met my husband. Red flags would be the obvious relationship no-no's, but I don't think lack of serious relationships is a red flag. I know within 6 months if a man is for me, and my longest relationship was also 2 years. I tried to make it work, and in the end, he wasn't for me. What's a girl like me to do? 

Consider the contrary: men who have been in serious relationships for a long period of time, and those relationships didn't work out, does that necessarily make them husband material?

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mark clemson]

Red flags are red flags, but no one is perfect.

I've heard it said that "settling" is how many actual families get made. The trick is to "settle" for pretty good, not just anything.

People who really want to be coupled LT tend to be coupled LT. Some of those folks met in their 20's or even teens, and I suspect those relationships are rarely perfect. But there is a mutual desire from both people to stick together and weather life's changes together. Some might disparage it as "clinging to each other" - and there's probably sometimes truth to that. But they are also actually in LT relationships.

The common denominator in all of your relationships and/or dry spells is you, although the limitations of your social environment could come into play for some folks.

Who are you selecting? Are you focused on creating "criteria lists" for a "future husband" that won't let anyone through? Are you "assessing" potential partners for their LT potential while not actually letting a mutual romantic and emotional bond naturally develop? Are you unconsciously uncomfortable with stable LT relationships and bailing once past the initial two year phase? Are you being emotionally closed off due to fear and/or expectations that the relationship will end? Are you letting "perfect" be the enemy of pretty good?

These aren't things I'm asking you to respond to - but are rhetorical questions to consider and reflect on.

Edited September 29, 2022 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

Consider the points being made in the post below as well, particularly the point about "satisfiers"...

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2022 at 1:09 PM, Amanda92 said:

What are red flags while looking for a future husband? I talk to guys that are 35-40 years old and most of them never were in a serious relationship, just maximum 2 years dating.

Sorry to say but if you are ruling out men based on having 2 year relationships you have narrowed your dating pool to very very few available men. Try not to confuse myths with red flags. Do not husband hunt. it's putting the cart before the horse. Seek out men you're compatible with and want what you want.

[poppyfields]

I have somewhat of a different take about this

In my mind, a man (or woman) not having had a serious relationship longer than two years by the time they hit their late 30s and 40s might suggest they have issues surrounding commitment, I actually know a few men like this.  And women!

Two years is the absolute longest they will go, after that they begin feeling pressured, smothered and pushed so they end the RL.

Of course that's not true across the board, there are always exceptions but I don't think the OP is that off base at least wondering about it.

There are many men like this, especially since the birth of dating apps, IG etc; men are more reluctant to settle down and will place a time limit on their relationships to avoid having to commit.  Two years tops is pretty standard from what I have witnessed.

EDITED TO ADD:  OP, I wouldn't dump a man because of this but it's important to stay aware.   It's all risk no matter how you slice and dice.

Edited September 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[Els]

It feels like a situation where the guy absolutely cannot win, lol.

No relationships over 2 years: commitment issues.

Relationships over 2 years but did not marry: Again commitment issues, because why date so long and not marry?

Married before: Divorcee.

Going by this logic, the only satisfactory man would be one who is still married...

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Nah.

I think that just leaves men in their early twenties.

Newbies. 

 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

No relationships over 2 years: commitment issues.

To clarify, I said it was a possibility and something to be aware of. 

I know men like this, a few actually, they exist, it's reality. 

Again it's not worthy of a rejection, it's all a risk no matter what their history. 

I don't think the OP is wrong for questioning it, it's smart to be aware, that was my only point. 

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

People can have commitment issues and still be in longer-term relationships. 

It could also mean he hasn't found someone with whom he has connected and doesn't want to spend anymore time with them. Or, maybe he has outside the box goals and ambitions and holds himself and others to a very high standard.

What is your point of connection, OP? Meaning, what is your reasoning for dismissing a man who has had relationships that have lasted two years? What drives your own standards?

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by Alpacalia