Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 I've been with my girlfreind for about a year, and she seems to have these "moments" where she just needs her space. We broke up once because I assumed she was with someone else, she assured me that wasn't the case. It's like every couple months she just needs space to regroup. Could be a week to two where she just needs to be alone her her space. Then she fine again. We've even talked about marriage, but I'm like how is that possible? If we're married and you need this space, where are you going to go? I don't understand, but I try to be considerate and leave her alone at these times, and she is best left alone because it seems it's not a happy space when these moments happen. Anyone else experience this? 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 13 minutes ago, Lovesick2112 said: I've been with my girlfreind for about a year, and she seems to have these "moments" where she just needs her space. We broke up once because I assumed she was with someone else, she assured me that wasn't the case. It's like every couple months she just needs space to regroup. Is there a lot conflict in the relationship? Is this the same woman?:
Author Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Author Posted September 28, 2022 No, there really is no conflict. We don't argue, no fighting... there are just periods she needs space it seems. To me a relationship us someone you want to be with all the time, with her she doesn't feel the need to spend all her free time with someone. Maybe I'm the one being a bit needy? I just send my morning hellos, she responds she loves me everyday. I just don't see her in that period.
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lovesick2112 said: No, there really is no conflict. We don't argue, no fighting... there are just periods she needs space it seems. To me a relationship us someone you want to be with all the time, with her she doesn't feel the need to spend all her free time with someone. Maybe I'm the one being a bit needy? I just send my morning hellos, she responds she loves me everyday. I just don't see her in that period. Then that means you are not compatible. She is not willing to change this because this is how she is. I say you run because think about how it's going to be like when you have the responsibility raising kids. She can't just walk away for 2 weeks leaving you with screaming babies. IMO this is not ok or normal. She needs to seek out therapy and find other ways to "cope" with life. Edited September 28, 2022 by smackie9 1
Author Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Author Posted September 28, 2022 Yea, I see what you are saying. She had said things that she feels stressed, or overwhelmed with life. I think her getting away is her way of decompressing and dealing with things. I really don't think she means to hurt me, this is just how she deals with life. I have heard of other women needing space every so often and it can be healthy. I just thought this might be excessive.
Els Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 A whole week is a really long time. People can need space for hours or maybe even a day or two, but a week is very uncommon IMO. 1
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 3 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: I've been with my girlfreind for about a year, and she seems to have these "moments" where she just needs her space. Yes. I definitely need my space occasionally, as does my partner. 3 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: It's like every couple months she just needs space to regroup. Could be a week to two where she just needs to be alone her her space. That seems an excessively long time to me. We usually take a few hours, an evening, a day.
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 3 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: To me a relationship us someone you want to be with all the time, with her she doesn't feel the need to spend all her free time with someone. Neither way is really right or wrong. What’s important is just that you are on the same page. It helps if you have similar expectations regarding a relationship. It’s generally a healthy thing for relationship partners to have some individual interests, friends, spend some time apart. It can be very smothering for some people when their partner expects to be together all the time/do everything together. Especially for introverts, people who take their energy and recharge from spending time alone/pursuing individual interests. These people NEED to have some time to themselves. How much time is something that you would negotiate together. 1
Author Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Author Posted September 28, 2022 That is what happened when we broke up. I felt she was cheating, so I was asking a lot of questions, which made her feel as though I was smothering her. So the relationship ended. Then we talked through things that she just needs space one in awhile, and I agreed to that. Which all in all its fine. I just have these moments were I don't see her for a week and it feels weird. Kind of lonely. Like, I have a girlfriend out there, somewhere?? I think?? They she'll send a daily text saying she loves me and it helps, but sometimes it's hard, and mind still wonders. What is she doing? You know?? I guess it really depends on me and if I can put up with it.
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 27 minutes ago, Lovesick2112 said: I just have these moments were I don't see her for a week and it feels weird. Kind of lonely. Have you told her how you feel? As was said above, a week seems to be an excessively long time to want to be alone. Does she stay in contact by text or phone calls when she takes this distance? What was her response to your feelings? 38 minutes ago, Lovesick2112 said: I guess it really depends on me and if I can put up with it. Often the case, regardless of the issue, in many relationships. None of us control our partners, if something they are doing is not working for us and they are unable to compromise, our only option is to end the relationship.
Author Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Author Posted September 28, 2022 Well she has her own place, and yes we text at least once a day. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 Woman here. I like my alone time, too. But, the only time I have ever gone that long without seeing a boyfriend was in my much younger (and less mature) years and not that into the guy I was dating. I just didn't feel much desire to spend time with him. There is a reason that relationship didn't last.
glows Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 She may not be compatible with you. I’m sorry about that. Those are her needs. It’s time to address what your needs are. If they don’t align and can’t compromise you’re not a match. It’s not a good idea to agree to terms or a dynamic you really aren’t ok with.
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 7 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: I've been with my girlfreind for about a year, We've even talked about marriage, but I'm like how is that possible? It's too soon for marriage or living together, particularly if you need this many breaks from each other and already have had breakups about it. How old is she? Is this a distance situation?
Author Lovesick2112 Posted September 28, 2022 Author Posted September 28, 2022 She's 32. About an hour drive. Enough distance where I can't just drive over there. I think that might be part of it too. She don't feel like driving that far especially when you work the next day. Weekends though... yea I don't understand. She just wants to spend some weekends on her own I guess. She doesn't do a whole lot either. Just spends time to herself.
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 29 minutes ago, Lovesick2112 said: She's 32. About an hour drive. Enough distance where I can't just drive over there. I think that might be part of it too. She don't feel like driving that far especially when you work the next day. Weekends though... yea I don't understand. She just wants to spend some weekends on her own I guess. She doesn't do a whole lot either. Just spends time to herself. I can appreciate her reluctance to drive an hour (two hours return) - I wouldn’t do it often during the week. That would be exhausting. I will also say, when I was dating my partner I loved the weekends when he had his son. I enjoyed having the weekend to myself - if only to clean my house, rest, spend time with family and friends. But then again, we were seeing each other a few times a week. 1
basil67 Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 Yes, we sometimes need space in our household too. As other posters have said, it usually involves a few hours or an evening. Or one person staying home while the other does the groceries. But when a couple lives together, it's simply not sustainable to need more alone time than this. 1
Ami1uwant Posted September 28, 2022 Posted September 28, 2022 9 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: No, there really is no conflict. We don't argue, no fighting... there are just periods she needs space it seems. To me a relationship us someone you want to be with all the time, with her she doesn't feel the need to spend all her free time with someone. Maybe I'm the one being a bit needy? I just send my morning hellos, she responds she loves me everyday. I just don't see her in that period. Do you know her medical conditions …especially in mental health, handling stress, or anxiety. do you know if you can cause her stress but she hasn’t said anything. She hasn’t felt “ herself” around you during these “ spells “ she has. Have you noticed any patterns tied to something like PMS? It’s possible her cycle is not every month but e ery 2-3 months and coincides with these moods she gets.
Wiseman2 Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 11 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: About an hour drive. Enough distance where I can't just drive over there. I think that might be part of it too. She don't feel like driving that far especially when you work the next day. Do you think this is working? Because it's only a year of dating and there's already a lot of logistical, emotional and other issues. Particularly frequent breaks and breakups. Maybe it is time to stop trying to force fit this? The hour distance, while not impossible,does limit quality time together.
glows Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 15 hours ago, Lovesick2112 said: She's 32. About an hour drive. Enough distance where I can't just drive over there. I think that might be part of it too. She don't feel like driving that far especially when you work the next day. Weekends though... yea I don't understand. She just wants to spend some weekends on her own I guess. She doesn't do a whole lot either. Just spends time to herself. It’s probably not working but you’re both reluctant to let go and start over. She appears disengaged and has cited feeling smothered by your questions or suspicions about her cheating. There isn’t enough understanding and trust. What sticks out to me is that you don’t seem to understand her need or question it a great deal. For couples who understand one another this weekend apart now and then isn’t an issue. It’s a problem for you and you seem insecure about the relationship as a whole. Why? Dig deeper - are either of you that compatible with one another? Where do you see this relationship going?
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 (edited) OP, I think what's happening is she feels pressured by you to spend more time, smothered and suffocated. She senses your frustration which only serves to push her further away and NOT want to spend more time with you. I have experienced that with boyfriends and that is exactly how I felt. The more they pushed to spend more time or to not understand my needing some lone time, the LESS time I actually wanted to spend with them and I ended up breaking up with them. I don't think a week is that long, I mean assuming you both have jobs, friends, hobbies. There were weekends when I didn't see my boyfriend (now husband) for various reasons. So it would sometimes be two weeks where we didn't see each other, but we always stayed connected through phone, text and email. I am somewhat of an introvert and I need my lone time no matter how in love I am, it's just the way I am wired and if a boyfriend couldn't understand that and kept "hassling" me about it (which is how I perceived it) then well, he's just wasn't the man for me. I will end (and have ended) the RL. My advice is leave her alone about it, stop mentioning it, just go do you own thing. Be happy when she reaches out to talk, don't mention anything about spending time together, and give her the time and space to miss you and let her come to you! Let her wonder why you've stopped hassling her about it, and trust me she WILL wonder which is a good thing. It might serve to reignite her attraction and desire for you, including her desire to spend more time with you. Biggest mistakes men can make is to act too thirsty for her, too needy, too clingy, it's a pressure and turn off. Just leave her alone and if she still acts aloof or distant, then consider ending the RL yourself. Edited September 29, 2022 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, glows said: What sticks out to me is that you don’t seem to understand her need or question it a great deal. For couples who understand one another this weekend apart now and then isn’t an issue. It’s a problem for you and you seem insecure about the relationship as a whole. I just read this^ and it's how I view the situation as well, especially the bolded. Also the insecurity, which I think is the major reason why couples have issues such as this surrounding space needs and lone time. When you feel centered and secure with your partner, their needing space or lone time isn't nearly as huge an issue as when you're feeling insecure, anxious and off balance. Which I sense is what's happening here. OP, read my last post. I know there are women who would have a huge issue with their husbands working until 9:00 pm six nights a week and then when home, retreating to his office. But I do not, why? Because I feel centered and secure, and I understand his nature as he understands mine. In short, we are compatible in this regard which is hugely important. You and your gf may not be. Edited September 29, 2022 by poppyfields
Ami1uwant Posted September 30, 2022 Posted September 30, 2022 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: OP, I think what's happening is she feels pressured by you to spend more time, smothered and suffocated. She senses your frustration which only serves to push her further away and NOT want to spend more time with you. I have experienced that with boyfriends and that is exactly how I felt. The more they pushed to spend more time or to not understand my needing some lone time, the LESS time I actually wanted to spend with them and I ended up breaking up with them. I don't think a week is that long, I mean assuming you both have jobs, friends, hobbies. There were weekends when I didn't see my boyfriend (now husband) for various reasons. So it would sometimes be two weeks where we didn't see each other, but we always stayed connected through phone, text and email. I am somewhat of an introvert and I need my lone time no matter how in love I am, it's just the way I am wired and if a boyfriend couldn't understand that and kept "hassling" me about it (which is how I perceived it) then well, he's just wasn't the man for me. I will end (and have ended) the RL. My advice is leave her alone about it, stop mentioning it, just go do you own thing. Be happy when she reaches out to talk, don't mention anything about spending time together, and give her the time and space to miss you and let her come to you! Let her wonder why you've stopped hassling her about it, and trust me she WILL wonder which is a good thing. It might serve to reignite her attraction and desire for you, including her desire to spend more time with you. Biggest mistakes men can make is to act too thirsty for her, too needy, too clingy, it's a pressure and turn off. Just leave her alone and if she still acts aloof or distant, then consider ending the RL yourself. My ex gf had short periods of anxiety bouts. These weren’t common but when it happened she’d want to be alone. No it was not me smothering her. OP said it was longer than a couple days which makes me feel it might be tied to her female cycle.
poppyfields Posted September 30, 2022 Posted September 30, 2022 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: No it was not me smothering her. Fair enough, but the way the OP described how he responds to her needing space (doubting and questioning), it sounds (at least to me) like HE may be smothering her. In fact, I felt smothered just reading, so I can only imagine how his gf might be feeling if she's anything like me. I read a great book a few years ago entitled "Loving Men More, Needing Men Less." It was written by Judith Sills, a renowned psychotherapist The book is geared towards women but it applies to both men and women. One of the book's tenets states that just because your partner doesn't need to spend as much time with you, that does NOT mean they love you less than a person who needs to spend more time with you. In fact, it was presented in the book that the person wanting to spend less time with you may love you more because that love doesn't stem from a co-dependent need or insecurity, it's pure love and can stand on its own, without need, without co-dependence and without insecurity. Edited September 30, 2022 by poppyfields
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2022 Posted September 30, 2022 On 9/28/2022 at 8:58 AM, Lovesick2112 said: Yea, I see what you are saying. She had said things that she feels stressed, or overwhelmed with life. I think her getting away is her way of decompressing and dealing with things. I really don't think she means to hurt me, this is just how she deals with life. I have heard of other women needing space every so often and it can be healthy. I just thought this might be excessive. This IS excessive.
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