He is indecisive between me and other woman

[Msblueeyez]

Hi everyone!

I met a guy earlier this year, we went on a few dates and then got involved.

He said he doesn’t want a relationship and neither did I at that time so we just saw each other casually. 

After 2 months I went abroad for work and we didn’t really talk for months. I thought it was over between us.

I came back a month ago and he contacted me wanting to meet again.

To my surprise, I ended up realising I do have feelings for this man. I like him more than I thought I did. 

He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t.

Then one day after this I was out shopping and saw his cousin which is a close friend of his and a friend of mine too. We went for a coffee and to catch up and I ended up telling him about me and him.

To my surprise, he said he does have feelings for me too, but he is indecisive between me and some other woman he met. And that is why he says he doesn’t want a relationship. 

I now feel awful. I mean is good to know he has feelings for me too, but being torn between me and some other woman?? I don’t like this.

I want a man who sees my value and has no doubts he wants me and only me. Usually in these situations I help him decide by walking away. The other woman can have him and I’ll find a guy who wants me.

Am I right? Or do I only have a bruised ego and shouldn’t walk away? Thank you!

Edited September 26, 2022 by Msblueeyez

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

He said he doesn’t want a relationship and neither did I at that time so we just saw each other casually.  He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t. but he is indecisive between me and some other woman he met.

Unfortunately you are looking for an exclusive loving relationship you can build on. He is looking for a harem. Just step out and don't be part of that . You'll get hurt if you stick around wishing and hoping he "picks" you eventually.

[Msblueeyez]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you are looking for an exclusive loving relationship you can build on. He is looking for a harem. Just step out and don't be part of that . You'll get hurt if you stick around wishing and hoping he "picks" you eventually.

He is not looking for a harem. In these months I was abroad he met someone else. And now he knows I am back, he wanted to see me because he feels something for me too. I understand that, but I just don’t like to be in a love triangle. I want to be chosen and valued and a man who has no doubts he wants me.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Msblueeyez said:

I just don’t like to be in a love triangle. I want to be chosen and valued and a man who has no doubts he wants me.

Then he is not the right man for you, unfortunately.

[smackie9]

if he really had feelings for you, he wouldn't be fussing over another woman or wanting to carry on having a FWB with you right? You made the right decision, instead of being strung along. 

[NuevoYorko]

What's different?  He doesn't want a more formal relationship with you than possibly FWB.  The reasons aren't really important.  If you want that, have at it.  Otherwise, move on.

Also - it's pretty weird for his "close friend" to divulge his personal business to you.  You only had a casual involvement with him for 2 months.  I would probably take anything this person said to you with a grain of salt.  Though it doesn't make any difference to your situation either way.

[poppyfields]

I would advise you to NOT listen to what other people say or claim to know about him and his feelings, towards you or anyone else. 

It's hearsay and unreliable.

Talk to HIM.

I will never understand why people who have no problem getting naked [ ] with each other are unable to communicate. 

When people show you who they are, believe THEM, and no one else. 

He has told you he's not interested in having a relationship with you, that is all you need to know. 

Edited September 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

3 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I want to be chosen and valued and a man who has no doubts he wants me.

Of course this is ok. It’s ok to want to be valued in a way that makes sense to you, the same way you would value someone special to you. 

There may be a little bruised ego there and it’s interesting you picked up on that. I’m sure you had some sense that his being non-committal meant there were others? Were you in denial? It’s an fwb situation going on this long and him remaining ambivalent and lukewarm.

Now that you recognize you do have feelings for him this isn’t necessarily an fwb or no strings situation any longer. I’d be realistic here and cut the guy loose. Meet someone else who feels the same thing for you if that’s ultimately what you want. Don’t go by the standards of anyone else including this man.

Edited September 27, 2022 by glows

[Rider on the Storm]

3 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Hi everyone!

I met a guy earlier this year, we went on a few dates and then got involved.

He said he doesn’t want a relationship and neither did I at that time so we just saw each other casually. 

After 2 months I went abroad for work and we didn’t really talk for months. I thought it was over between us.

I came back a month ago and he contacted me wanting to meet again.

To my surprise, I ended up realising I do have feelings for this man. I like him more than I thought I did. 

He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t.

Then one day after this I was out shopping and saw his cousin which is a close friend of his and a friend of mine too. We went for a coffee and to catch up and I ended up telling him about me and him.

To my surprise, he said he does have feelings for me too, but he is indecisive between me and some other woman he met. And that is why he says he doesn’t want a relationship. 

I now feel awful. I mean is good to know he has feelings for me too, but being torn between me and some other woman?? I don’t like this.

I want a man who sees my value and has no doubts he wants me and only me. Usually in these situations I help him decide by walking away. The other woman can have him and I’ll find a guy who wants me.

Am I right? Or do I only have a bruised ego and shouldn’t walk away? Thank you!

Do I understand correctly that it was the cousin who told you that this guy has feelings for you and not the guy himself? 

And he was out of the picture for months only to come back and tell you that he wants a FWB situation with you?

Is it possible that this guy is just looking to sleep with 2 different women and his cousin is attempting to help him do just that?

Edited September 27, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t.

This seems pretty clear.  Does it really matter why he only wants a FWB situation?

When/if he decides he wants an actual relationship with you, he knows where to find you.  Don't hold your breath.  Get on with your life and date other men.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t.

Don't ever wait around for a guy who is not that into you.  Have enough self-respect to walk away and find someone who actually wants you with his whole heart.  This guy doesn't.  What else is there to say?

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Usually in these situations I help him decide by walking away. The other woman can have him and I’ll find a guy who wants me.

Am I right?

Yes, you are right.

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Hi everyone!

I met a guy earlier this year, we went on a few dates and then got involved.

He said he doesn’t want a relationship and neither did I at that time so we just saw each other casually. 

After 2 months I went abroad for work and we didn’t really talk for months. I thought it was over between us.

I came back a month ago and he contacted me wanting to meet again.

To my surprise, I ended up realising I do have feelings for this man. I like him more than I thought I did. 

He wants to have a fwb situation again with me, but I told him now I am looking for something more serious. He said he isn’t.

Then one day after this I was out shopping and saw his cousin which is a close friend of his and a friend of mine too. We went for a coffee and to catch up and I ended up telling him about me and him.

To my surprise, he said he does have feelings for me too, but he is indecisive between me and some other woman he met. And that is why he says he doesn’t want a relationship. 

I now feel awful. I mean is good to know he has feelings for me too, but being torn between me and some other woman?? I don’t like this.

I want a man who sees my value and has no doubts he wants me and only me. Usually in these situations I help him decide by walking away. The other woman can have him and I’ll find a guy who wants me.

Am I right? Or do I only have a bruised ego and shouldn’t walk away? Thank you!

Fantasy vs reality…..let’s get real here.

with many relationships…especially those from online it’s about decisions and choices on who to pursue.

 

They are likely torn between two people.

this was 40 years ago.  I got together at a bar with a good friend of mine and we talked about his relationships.  I had not met either one. He had met two different women and he had dated both. It was time for him to decide who to focus on. Each had good traits about them as well as some uncertainty/ concern.  I just talked to him about what was important to him and what did he value more.

he picked one and they have been together almost 30 years. 3 kids, 2 in college, one in high school.

 

that’s the kind of thing he is likely dealing with right now.  He might be unsure about what your long term plans are such as going elsewhere or staying local.  He might not want to move away.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, forget this guy, OP. 

If he were really into you, there would be no hesitation between you and another person - and no hesitation about dating you instead of just offering a FWB. 

He's lukewarm about you at best. This won't end well for you if you stick around. 

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

He is not looking for a harem. In these months I was abroad he met someone else. And now he knows I am back, he wanted to see me because he feels something for me too. I understand that, but I just don’t like to be in a love triangle. I want to be chosen and valued and a man who has no doubts he wants me.

How can you be so sure he's not looking for a harem? Based on what you say, it sounds like he would like to have at least two women on standby for casual sex. 

If he really wanted to be with you, he would have said so without any hesitation when you revealed you wanted something more serious. And if he wanted to be with the other woman instead, he would never have reached out to you in the first place. Since you're looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, continuing to engage with this guy would be a waste of your time. 

[Alpacalia]

In terms of communicating with him, I wouldn't bother.

He already proposed friends with benefits.

No need to discuss beyond what's already been said.

If I were you I would just take myself out of the game completely.

[stillafool]

If he's into you why is he only offering to be a FWB instead of asking for a relationship?  If there is another woman she is probably receiving the same offer.  

[Msblueeyez]

Thank you all for your replies.

Ok so I talked to him today and he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

He admitted to like me but is having many fears around a relationship. 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

Thank you all for your replies.

Ok so I talked to him today and he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

He admitted to like me but is having many fears around a relationship. 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

Yet you have feelings for this person? How do you see this working out? He doesn’t sound available in the way you might want.

[BrinnM]

Oh, so the “other woman” is his ex, not anybody new? Doesn’t make a difference. You either do casual/FWB, or you don’t. As you already stated clearly, though, that casual isn’t an option any longer, I’m surprised that you’re entertaining that though now. What has changed for you?

8 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

You're not responsible for his healing, no matter the reasons he gives. You're only responsible for taking care of your own head and heart. In this case he is a damaging influence. It's very important to do what is right for you rather than wait in the wings while he plays the field with the excuse that it's due to being hurt. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

Thank you all for your replies.

Ok so I talked to him today and he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

He admitted to like me but is having many fears around a relationship. 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

The crux is how he got hurt.

 

with you he saw you leave and fears you will leave again.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

Why would you choose to be FWB with him?  What is in that for you?  You are going to be feeling rejected (because you were, in fact, rejected) every day.  Why would you do that to yourself?

A "casual" relationship works between 2 people who want a casual relationship.  You are already asking for "something more" and discussing all of this with his cousin (STOP that, it's out of line in  a huge way).  Not going to be fun for you.  

[Msblueeyez]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Yet you have feelings for this person? How do you see this working out? He doesn’t sound available in the way you might want.

Yes I do have feelings for him. Feelings is not something you can control, it’s either there or not.

But that doesn’t seem I am blind to things and I am starting to see how he feels due to his past relationship and I am not sure anymore I want a relationship with him. At least not now.

I might see him casually yes but date others too.

[Msblueeyez]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not responsible for his healing, no matter the reasons he gives. You're only responsible for taking care of your own head and heart. In this case he is a damaging influence. It's very important to do what is right for you rather than wait in the wings while he plays the field with the excuse that it's due to being hurt. 

He is not playing the field. And I never said I am responsible for his healing.

i do have feelings for him and it seems his ex cheated on him and left him. So I understand how he feels and I wonder if I leave him he’ll think I am the same.