Author Hopeful30 Posted September 29, 2022 Author Posted September 29, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: May I ask what you are moving on from? The man you recently dated for whom you felt no attraction? Have you heard from him? Last I heard, you had not but perhaps that's changed. Yes, moving on from him. No, I still have no heard, so it looks like the doubt is mutual.
Wiseman2 Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 12 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: I have asked them to find me a partner, so they are looking. I have a choice in the matter of course, however they handle the initial selection process. My current situationship was by their matching. Ok then there's no need to ruminate about all these past creeps and the size of their manhood, is there? Your parents set this up for you, so you'll have to decide based on your, your parents and your cultural expectations, what is best for you. 4
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 On 9/24/2022 at 7:45 AM, Hopeful30 said: Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with. 16 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: I have asked them to find me a partner, so they are looking. My current situationship was by their matching. By 'current situationship', do you mean the man you met at the party was by your parents' matching? If so, it might have been helpful to know that from the get-go, I think it changes things some. Or is it another situation you haven't discussed? In any event, agree with @Wise's last post. 2
Weezy1973 Posted September 29, 2022 Posted September 29, 2022 21 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: Sexual chemistry / attraction is an important component of relationships, I just don't want to accept that because it makes finding a partner that much more challenging. And considering my age bracket and goals, it feels like another delay. How many men do you meet and how are you meeting them? It’s a bit surprising that you haven’t come across even one man in the past 6 years that you’ve found even remotely attractive. I think this could be due to a few reasons: 1. You don’t come across many men in your day to day life. 2. Your standards are so high that even significantly above average looking men still won’t float your boat. 3. You’re subconsciously using defense mechanisms that keep the possibility of a meaningful relationship basically at zero. A version of “reject them before they can reject me”. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 3, 2022 Author Posted October 3, 2022 On 9/29/2022 at 3:26 PM, Weezy1973 said: How many men do you meet and how are you meeting them? It’s a bit surprising that you haven’t come across even one man in the past 6 years that you’ve found even remotely attractive. I think this could be due to a few reasons: 1. You don’t come across many men in your day to day life. 2. Your standards are so high that even significantly above average looking men still won’t float your boat. 3. You’re subconsciously using defense mechanisms that keep the possibility of a meaningful relationship basically at zero. A version of “reject them before they can reject me”. I believe it's a combination, and majorly not meeting enough men. I work f/t from home and I'm completing a master's program. Both places are female majority by at least 2/3. There some great guys but they're married or have someone. On Friday nights, I go to a sports bar/pub with a friend, but she recently met someone there and now they're dating ... makes me feel even shittier about myself. And if there's anything else to do that weekend, I participate when friends are available. I have a cottage on the lake where I spend time in the summers. I regularly take my dog to off-leash areas -- great guys, usually married. I take him hiking when weather permits and I've met men on these trails, it's never led to anything. I go to symphonies, theaters, and ballets too. I walk downtown for hours because I don't know what else to do, and I want to be among people and out there. I'm versatile in my activities and I make efforts to be accessible. I'm beginning to understand why two of my friends, who are now happily married with children, moved to Europe/Asia to start their families. By single I mean sexually inactive or outside a romantic involvement. I was dating the last few years, met some nice guys, nothing developed from those (current situation included). I am, therefore, reconfiguring my standards at this time. I'm not sure about "Reject them before they reject me". I've been rejected and its inevitable. Life goes on. You're right about a blockage though, which I cannot figure out what it is.
Weezy1973 Posted October 3, 2022 Posted October 3, 2022 3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: You're right about a blockage though, which I cannot figure out what it is. I suspect it’s exactly what you describe in this thread. You’re just not getting any opportunities with men that would make a good husband and father that you’re also attracted to. I heard a rather glib comment about what women in their 30s who want a family face in choosing a husband. If you had to choose a man, you can have any of the following two qualities: 1. Financially stable 2. Physically attractive (to you) 3. Emotionally healthy (good husband and father) Which two would you choose? Or you can remain single indefinitely….
stillafool Posted October 3, 2022 Posted October 3, 2022 On 9/28/2022 at 12:13 PM, Hopeful30 said: I'm a late bloomer (19 years) because it took that long to find a man I felt sexually attracted to. Disclosure: I don't have any history of sexual abuse or molestation. Are you saying you lost your virginity at 19 and that makes you a late bloomer? So did I, and I started dating at 16; but I don't think that's a late age to lose your virginity.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 3, 2022 Author Posted October 3, 2022 10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I suspect it’s exactly what you describe in this thread. You’re just not getting any opportunities with men that would make a good husband and father that you’re also attracted to. I heard a rather glib comment about what women in their 30s who want a family face in choosing a husband. If you had to choose a man, you can have any of the following two qualities: 1. Financially stable 2. Physically attractive (to you) 3. Emotionally healthy (good husband and father) Which two would you choose? Or you can remain single indefinitely…. Financially stable and emotionally healthy. 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Are you saying you lost your virginity at 19 and that makes you a late bloomer? So did I, and I started dating at 16; but I don't think that's a late age to lose your virginity. I was one of the last of my friends to have sex, so I am basing on that context.
stillafool Posted October 3, 2022 Posted October 3, 2022 On 9/28/2022 at 12:43 PM, poppyfields said: I don't have the tools to enlighten you, it comes from within. It relates to self-esteem, self-worth, and how much you value yourself and is something a good qualified therapist can help you work through. I will tell you that I have developed attractions to men who weren't right for me for one reason or another and I left before any damage was done. However, married men, men with no jobs, anger issues, abusive - no I have never been sexually drawn to such men in any way shape or form. I was able to identify such men very early on and said no thanks. Exactly. I've been physically attracted to good looking, sexy guys but when and if I find out they were married, criminals, con men, constantly jobless, losers, too young, I'd politely excuse myself from the situation. We can be physically and sexually attracted to someone without getting involved with them. It's called self control. 2
Alpacalia Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) A lot of women are mostly NOT attracted to most men. I'm curious though. What's the rush with finding a husband? It's something you've mentioned a few times. Are babies the goal? My curiosity arises because sometimes situations arise where people enter into marriage even when their intuition warns them it's the wrong person or situation. Feeling it's what they need to do, or feeling pressured by society or feeling like "it's time." Do any of these factors resonate with you? If yes (or possible), it might one day turn into a case of sacrificing certain things for a relationship that isn't right for you. This added pressure to find "the one" can create a barrier by itself. Though, if you saw the man that I drove past on my way home not too long ago, it might have broken that *blockage* for you. Edited October 4, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2022 Posted October 4, 2022 12 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: Financially stable and emotionally healthy. What about the arranged dating and marriage situation? How important is that in the equation of finding a husband? There's many factors to consider and you stated this last man was arranged dating by your parents, but you're not that physically attracted to him even though he's financially and emotionally stable. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 4, 2022 Author Posted October 4, 2022 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: What about the arranged dating and marriage situation? How important is that in the equation of finding a husband? There's many factors to consider and you stated this last man was arranged dating by your parents, but you're not that physically attracted to him even though he's financially and emotionally stable. Ideally parents want everything for their child, but consider how romance is a new age thing. You think "can my child build a good life with this person", not how passionate is the sex. A woman and man can sustain their love with deeper values and qualities, and it grows enough for a sexual relationship and children. This is why I don't believe that men and women can only be friends. Sex is always a possibility. I would be lying if I said I never considered my guy friends as sex partners. Even just once to entertain the thought, because after all I am a woman I feel that most men have 2/3 elements you mentioned. I've dated other variations. Physically attractive and emotionally sound is great, but I can't build a family with a man who cannot stay in alignment (e.g., imagine going on vacation alone or not going at all because your man can't afford it... is that really fair?) I've dated financially stable and physically attractive, and these men are usually players and try to be with multiple women. So i'm left with emotionally sound and financially stable, which aligns with my family goals. Honestly if this man didn't ghost me, I would have let it unfold. (Although on further reflection, does this behaviour reflect someone who is emotionally sound?) It's not about hate being single anymore. It's about releasing the fantasy of meeting a person with 3/3. The last 20 years have taught me that meaningful relationships can be built without all the ingredients. Considering my age, I am more willing now to lower my standards and open myself to a wider spectrum of men. Is this not the practical thing to do?
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