Does physical attraction need to be immediate? or can it develop overtime?

[Hopeful30]

Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with. However, he's not good looking. I did not feel any attraction or physical chemistry. My question is... can this develop as I get to know him? Is it possible to be physically aroused by liking someone intellectually or emotionally? Physical intimacy and sex is important to me, so I want to consider whether this is possible with someone I don't feel is physically attractive at all. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by Hopeful30

[BaileyB]

Attraction does grow over time, I truly believe that. You can meet someone and they can become more attractive to you as you get to know them and develop a relationship.

That said, if you don’t think he is attractive at all and you don’t want to kiss him when you meet him - I don’t think it will grow to be the relationship that you want to have with a man. Sorry. 

[glows]

How much “not good looking”? Most people are average and while you may not feel sexual attraction at the start, it can build with time especially if you’re attracted intellectually or emotionally on other levels. It doesn’t have to be instant. 

On the other hand, there are times when there’s just nothing there or no physical attraction whatsoever. It’s best not to lead anyone on if that’s the case.

[Hopeful30]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

How much “not good looking”? Most people are average and while you may not feel sexual attraction at the start, it can build with time especially if you’re attracted intellectually or emotionally on other levels. It doesn’t have to be instant. 

On the other hand, there are times when there’s just nothing there or no physical attraction whatsoever. It’s best not to lead anyone on if that’s the case.

When I saw him, I didn't have any reaction at all. I didn't find him repulsive or ugly. Just another person. My ideal man would be pleasing to the eye, so I look at him and think "he's so handsome". At the very least to think he's cute. Of course, this isn't the most important quality. I've been with good looking and attractive men, and that wasn't enough to sustain the relationship. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by Hopeful30

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with. However, he's not good looking. I did not feel any attraction or physical chemistry. My question is... can this develop as I get to know him? Is it possible to be physically aroused by liking someone intellectually or emotionally? Physical intimacy and sex is important to me, so I want to consider whether this is possible with someone I don't feel is physically attractive at all. 

Yes it can. 
 

when I meet someone at a social gathering, I’m not thinking about who is the hot one and try to talk to them.

for me , I find attraction builds from getting to know the person.

sure ican objectively look at someone and rate them on a 1-10 based on superficial looks on that day.

 

i can see a woman who is attractive but is not coming off as bright and it absolutely turns me off.

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

When I saw him, I didn't have any reaction at all. I didn't find him repulsive or ugly. Just another person. My ideal man would be pleasing to the eye, so I look at him and think "he's so handsome". At the very least to think he's cute. Of course, this isn't the most important quality. I've been with good looking and attractive men, and that wasn't enough to sustain the relationship. 

Get out of storybook fantasyland…..

[Alpacalia]

It can definitely grow over time OP.

The wiring of women is a little different. Physical attraction is usually a peak almost immediately after we find ourselves emotionally attached to someone and our body attraction becomes almost like an afterthought.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

When I saw him, I didn't have any reaction at all. I didn't find him repulsive or ugly. Just another person. My ideal man would be pleasing to the eye, so I look at him and think "he's so handsome". At the very least to think he's cute. Of course, this isn't the most important quality. I've been with good looking and attractive men, and that wasn't enough to sustain the relationship. 

It sounds like you’re level about this. See how it goes and don’t place undue pressure on yourself to feel or think a certain way. If it’s not working out part ways respectfully. Absolutely no shame in that and don’t lead him on.

You both get along so wait and see.

[ShyViolet]

I've definitely dated guys who weren't very attractive by conventional societal standards.  Yet, I had to have some attraction to them myself, to be dating them.  Their intelligence and their personality was what made me attracted to them.  But that translated into a physical attraction also.  There's a difference between knowing that a person isn't conventionally attractive by general standards but at the same time you having some personal attraction to them, vs. YOU not feeling any attraction whatsoever to the person.  In order to date them, I think it needs to be the former and not the latter.

If you meet a person and feel no spark, no attraction, then there isn't much reason to think there would be anything more than a platonic friendship.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

When I saw him, I didn't have any reaction at all. I didn't find him repulsive or ugly. Just another person.

Yes, the attraction can grow over time. And can diminish over time as well. And can remain as it is now, neutral. If you get to know him better, he’ll no longer be just another person. He’ll be someone you know, and that can influence your attraction. Positively or negatively or not at all.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with.

Has he asked you out? Are you dating? If he doesn't turn your crank it may not work a out unless you want to be friends.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with. However, he's not good looking. I did not feel any attraction or physical chemistry. My question is... can this develop as I get to know him? Is it possible to be physically aroused by liking someone intellectually or emotionally? Physical intimacy and sex is important to me, so I want to consider whether this is possible with someone I don't feel is physically attractive at all. 

Is HE physically attracted to you?  Are you an option for him?  

Has HE expressed a romantic interest in you, asked you out on a date? 

Whether or not you are attracted is moot if he has not expressed a romantic interest in you. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[Hopeful30]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he asked you out? Are you dating? If he doesn't turn your crank it may not work a out unless you want to be friends.

 

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Is HE physically attracted to you?  Are you an option for him?  

Has HE expressed a romantic interest in you, asked you out on a date? 

Whether or not you are attracted is moot if he has not expressed a romantic interest in you. 

 

Yes he asked me out, and we spent the entire day on the town yesterday. I really enjoy his company and I like him, but can I get sexual with him? I'm not sure. How long is too long to decide if you like someone in this way? I don't want to lead him on, but at this point I'm still not sure. 

[Gaeta]

I remember going on a first date with a man that had a weird looking face. Other than that there was nothing wrong with him, and while we were chatting l was thinking he wasn't for me. When we left the coffee place he unexpectedly kissed my lips and a switch went on!! I had to see him again.

Later in my dating life l kept more open minded with men l did not feel attracted to right away. I knew it could switch on with a kiss, a gesture, a few words. But l've also learn if it's not there within 2-3 dates then it won't grow out of thin air.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

How long is too long to decide if you like someone in this way? I don't want to lead him on, but at this point I'm still not sure. 

Yup, I agree with Gaeta, two or three dates. I once went on five dates with someone hoping attraction would develop but it never did. Probably should have cut it off after 3. 
 

I’m assuming OP you don’t have any problems getting dates with men you are attracted to physically?

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Yes he asked me out, and we spent the entire day on the town yesterday. I really enjoy his company and I like him, but can I get sexual with him? I'm not sure. How long is too long to decide if you like someone in this way? I don't want to lead him on, but at this point I'm still not sure. 

If you're this ambivalent and lukewarm about him after spending an entire day with him, then I think continuing this any further would be leading him on.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

 

 

Yes he asked me out, and we spent the entire day on the town yesterday. I really enjoy his company and I like him, but can I get sexual with him? I'm not sure. How long is too long to decide if you like someone in this way? I don't want to lead him on, but at this point I'm still not sure. 

I’m leaning towards having your answer already. An entire day is long enough to sense whether there’s enough attraction physically to go on. 

[Red2016]

Curious if the reverse is also true (for men, that is):

Would a dude go out with a woman on for a second date if there was little/no physical attraction? 

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

Curious if the reverse is also true (for men, that is):

Would a dude go out with a woman on for a second date if there was little/no physical attraction? 

That is up to the individuals involved. Everyone is different and there’s no right or wrong unless someone is lying or putting on an act when there’s no attraction just to use someone out of loneliness or boredom. And sometimes both are lonely and it’s mutual. 

Needs in some are also stronger than needs in others whether out of curiosity and not exclusive to any one gender or sex, ie need for intimacy and sex or companionship or generally not accepting there’s not enough attraction.

Someone else might not spend the extra time either if there are other options readily available.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

Curious if the reverse is also true (for men, that is):

Would a dude go out with a woman on for a second date if there was little/no physical attraction? 

This is going to sound crude but if he thought there was a chance for sex, then yes he would.

Or some men would anyway, certainly not all.

It's a mistake imo to compare genders, as men and women are different and thus respond and react differently and can be motivated by different things. 

Best to judge by how YOU feel.

You know yourself best.  If you truly believe you might feel differently after a few more dates or after he kisses you, then continue on

If me, knowing myself as I do, I would not and did not when single.

I knew within a very short period of time if that "spark" and energy/chemistry between us was there or not.

It was a mutual thing, and NOT solely based on physical appearance although that played a part. 

But physical attraction is subjective and I recall once developing a deep attraction to a man who was not conventionally good looking. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Red2016 said:

 

Would a dude go out with a woman on for a second date if there was little/no physical attraction? 

Attraction is on a continuum. Say 10 is “oh my god I want to rip your clothes off immediately and have at ‘er” and 1 is “never in a million years even if we were the last two people on the planet”. I’d happily go on a second date with anybody that was a 5 and above as long as there was some chemistry in the first date. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Els]

Quote

Is it possible to be physically aroused by liking someone intellectually or emotionally?

It really depends on your personality and your attraction style. For me, personally, the answer is yes. However, I also know some people whose answer would be no. You have to know yourself, perhaps by drawing on previous experiences. Have you ever grown attracted to a person over time?

@glows also makes a good point: Do you find him extremely UNattractive physically, or just neutral/"not very attractive"? The latter is much more salvageable than the former.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Yes he asked me out, and we spent the entire day on the town yesterday. I really enjoy his company and I like him, but can I get sexual with him? I'm not sure. How long is too long to decide if you like someone in this way? I don't want to lead him on, but at this point I'm still not sure. 

I say give it a couple of dates.

Sexual attraction is different then physical attraction too.

The speed at which sexual attraction develops for me each has been different. Sometimes instant. Sometimes after a couple of dates. Sometimes longer.

I think the point is is that attraction, like most things, is subjective.

If others are quick to dismiss him as a candidate — precisely because you’re not thinking of bedding him — I’d be more wary of them than him! 

Trust your mind and your privates will follow. It either will or it won't.

[slippinglimpse]

Yes, It has happened with me more than once.

That attraction only builds, it doesn't lessen.  Looks are surface...... who you are, how you treat me and others is what speaks to me.  

Intelligence, empathy and caring are my jam.

[Stret]

On 9/24/2022 at 4:45 PM, Hopeful30 said:

Met someone at a party that I feel comfortable and compatible with. However, he's not good looking. I did not feel any attraction or physical chemistry. My question is... can this develop as I get to know him? Is it possible to be physically aroused by liking someone intellectually or emotionally? Physical intimacy and sex is important to me, so I want to consider whether this is possible with someone I don't feel is physically attractive at all. 

It is possible and I wouldn't have known it if it weren't for one out of many relationships I had. He was not attractive but he was well kept and he was crazy about me. We saw each other every day at work and than hang out after work for months. His love for me was so intense even though we didn't discuss it, it was obvious. One evening he came over to my place and we just had a drink as usual, and I looked at him sitting on a sofa and in that moment there was something, like a magic, and he was the only man I wanted to be with. We had a short relationship after that but it wasn't about lack of physical attraction. So it may happen for you if you keep the friendship going, and it might not. In either case, you can enjoy in your conversations at least.