He insulted my music taste, red flag?

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

calls himself a "high value man"

He actually said this? To you? Sweetie, that's your clue. Normal people don't say shyte like that. Next thing you know he'll be telling you how lucky you are to be dating him. I usually lean toward working things out and saving relationships, but this is way too much.

On the comment about the rap... not terribly offensive but over the line. I'd have probably thought it but not said it. You have to understand that rap is a unique category, not just another music genre, and some people really can't stand it. And yes they form opinions because of it. A person's taste in music is often indicative of cultural background and other characteristics, and it would be pretty unusual for two people to fit personality wise if their musical taste is polar opposite. 

The music I listen to by choice falls within a pretty narrow range (jazz and classical), but I like a broad range. There are a few things that I won't tolerate at all, nor would I date someone who considers them their favorite. Sort of like a vegan dating someone who eats fast food burgers five times a week.  

I hope you tell hi that you disagree of his self-assessment and won't be supporting his delusions. I know you won't because you are smitten (it's apparent in that post). Cluster B diagnosable is my opinion.

Edited September 26, 2022 by salparadise

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

 calls himself a "high value man"

I just did a little vomit in my mouth 

He's either:

1 read too many PUA blogs

2 insecure and making up for it with bravdo

3 horribly conceited  

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

Thank you all for your advice. In terms of what else makes him so great, lets just say he's exactly what I've been looking for in every aspect (aside from his rude comment about music), he's ambitious, very successful, incredibly handsome, calls himself a "high value man", we are into the same topics, we have the same spiritual beliefs which are not very common in that community in terms of alternative spirituality, we have a lot of similarities, basically across the board everything fits except this one comment he made. Which is why I'm not saying its a deal breaker because I feel like THAT would be a bit too dramatic of a reaction if I did that.

I'm not willing to lose this guy over one comment. I am incredibly picky and have stayed single for over a year because of how picky I am (not a single date in a year other than this guy). So yes, I am prioritizing this connection. 

What he does for a living may play into his remark, too. He is a lifestyle motivational coach, and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. Yes, it does seem quite judgmental. Its also making me worry I'll have to walk on eggshells around him, because we are after all still in the "getting to know each other" phase where I'm not that comfortable yet.

 

curious….did you go online and get the lyrics and show that to him outside of the music and ask him his thoughts on it?

 

his positivity philosophy he has will likely affect many areas of his interest avoiding various things beyond some music, but also tv shows,movies, cultural things

 

him being a motivational coach could be an issue when it comes to disagreements

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I just did a little vomit in my mouth 

He's either:

1 read too many PUA blogs

2 insecure and making up for it with bravdo

3 horribly conceited  

How about all three?  Lol

A special lol @ No. 1, yes! 

OP, have a visit on one of those sites, nearly everything this person told you is a point of discussion on those sites. 

Having a high social market value (SMV) is a major point of discussion and making sure a chick you're dating knows it is of particular importance.

It's all about "Game" to them. Learn Game, up your Game.  Ugh. 

Good luck! 

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

52 minutes ago, salparadise said:

He actually said this? To you? Sweetie, that's your clue. Normal people don't say shyte like that. Next thing you know he'll be telling you how lucky you are to be dating him. I usually lean toward working things out and saving relationships, but this is way too much.

On the comment about the rap... not terribly offensive but over the line. I'd have probably thought it but not said it. You have to understand that rap is a unique category, not just another music genre, and some people really can't stand it. And yes they form opinions because of it. A person's taste in music is often indicative of cultural background and other characteristics, and it would be pretty unusual for two people to fit personality wise if their musical taste is polar opposite. 

The music I listen to by choice falls within a pretty narrow range (jazz and classical), but I like a broad range. There are a few things that I won't tolerate at all, nor would I date someone who considers them their favorite. Sort of like a vegan dating someone who eats fast food burgers five times a week.  

I hope you tell hi that you disagree of his self-assessment and won't be supporting his delusions. I know you won't because you are smitten (it's apparent in that post). Cluster B diagnosable is my opinion.

I agree in that things like one being a vegitarian/ vegan vs one being opposite is a core value issue when it comes to a relationship where neither is right/ wrong but it’s a bridge that can’t be built in a LTR but is perfectly fine and non issue in friendship.

 

i view music as not being a core issue nlrss (2) one works in the music industry, or (2) they are the type of person that likes to play music aloud in a house.

 

i recall in my childhood…in our house we had a converted back room that was our TV room while the living room had no television but had a stereo system.  My dad regularly played classical music ( either from radio station or from records). He’d also alway listen that that in the car when we drove.  I got to the point of rebelling against it and hating it.  To this day I rarely listen to it.  I can go and see it perform on a rare occasion.  Someone who was big into listening to this or regularly going to see this would be a turn off to me.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I just did a little vomit in my mouth 

He's either:

1 read too many PUA blogs

2 insecure and making up for it with bravdo

3 horribly conceited  

If he’s a successful motivational speaker he can probably feel inflated.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

If he’s a successful motivational speaker he can probably feel inflated.

I doubt he even is.  No motivational speaker would ever announce to a new woman (or anyone) how high his social market value is. 

This isn't even about different tastes in music.  

He used that as an opportunity to belittle her.  If it wasn't music it would have been something else. 

His goal is control and dominance.

And what a great way to achieve that  by insulting her, belittling her, setting up a sitch where she's walking on eggshells, per her previous post and her fear. 

And announcing how better he is than other mem, how high status he is. 

OP, if you choose to continue dating him, and have sex with him, please use protection, I highly doubt you're the only woman he's seeing and frankly imo bs'ing.

 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

5 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

Thank you all for your advice. In terms of what else makes him so great, lets just say he's exactly what I've been looking for in every aspect (aside from his rude comment about music), he's ambitious, very successful, incredibly handsome, calls himself a "high value man", we are into the same topics, we have the same spiritual beliefs which are not very common in that community in terms of alternative spirituality, we have a lot of similarities, basically across the board everything fits except this one comment he made. Which is why I'm not saying its a deal breaker because I feel like THAT would be a bit too dramatic of a reaction if I did that.

I'm not willing to lose this guy over one comment. I am incredibly picky and have stayed single for over a year because of how picky I am (not a single date in a year other than this guy). So yes, I am prioritizing this connection. 

What he does for a living may play into his remark, too. He is a lifestyle motivational coach, and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. Yes, it does seem quite judgmental. Its also making me worry I'll have to walk on eggshells around him, because we are after all still in the "getting to know each other" phase where I'm not that comfortable yet.

That’s where communication comes in if you continue to keep seeing this man. It’s only been a few weeks and you’re smitten he seems attracted and is giving you attention. Instead of walking on eggshells be yourself and be vocal about what you disagree with coming from him. If it seems he’s being judgmental then tell him you feel his comment is judgmental and it’s not going to change your taste in music. 

Do you usually have a habit of remaining quiet or subdued? There’s also no reason why he should be clueless about who he’s dating. You can be yourself and create better boundaries such as emphasizing that THAT aspect of you is not changing and you prefer not to hear such comments.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

calls himself a "high value man

He actually said that?

I lol'd. 

My oh my oh my.

[IrinaM]

6 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

He is a lifestyle motivational coach

^^^this is a major dealbreaker. He's a grifter.

[giotto]

10 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

He is a lifestyle motivational coach

That explains many things. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

 He is a lifestyle motivational coach, and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. 

Be careful he's not recruiting you. You seem enamoured with his Svengali like charm.

 

[SingFish]

11 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

He is a lifestyle motivational coach, and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. Yes, it does seem quite judgmental. Its also making me worry I'll have to walk on eggshells around him, because we are after all still in the "getting to know each other" phase where I'm not that comfortable yet.

Best not to walk on eggshells around anyone, and whilst it's nice he's enthusiastic about his work you're not seeing him in a professional capacity. I would hate to be lectured by someone about positive mindset and what's negative, I can work those things out for myself. Is it fun to go out with him? 

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I got to the point of rebelling against it and hating it.  To this day I rarely listen to it.  I can go and see it perform on a rare occasion.  Someone who was big into listening to this or regularly going to see this would be a turn off to me.

That's the point isn't it? And classical is about as non-offensive as it gets, while rap is probably the most offensive. It's just so in-your-face that you can't passively tune it out like you can many other types (genres).  

I play music aloud (as opposed to silently) in my house every day. I have a large, fairly expensive, stereo hifi system that I mostly built myself and which constitutes a serious hobby. In order for me to date or live with someone there would need to be some alignment in musical tastes. It wouldn't have to be perfect alignment, but I couldn't have rap for even five minutes. It hurts my ears and triggers something even more fundamental. You know how sometimes you're in traffic at a red light and the car next to you has the huge woofers playing loud thump-thump-thump rap crap... it drives me nuts, like what gives them the right to impose that on me? It's literally torture.

I'm not saying that OP doesn't have the right to like what she likes... she just needs to understand that rap is not some neutral personal preference like jazz or R&B or whatever, it elicits reactions in people.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, salparadise said:

 loud thump-thump-thump rap crap... she just needs to understand that rap is not some neutral personal preference like jazz or R&B or whatever, it elicits reactions in people.

 How is this a  conversation about the virtues of different music tastes? Are you one of her boyfriend's followers?  

Edited September 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

I know, the term high value man does sound pretentious. 

Have you read the book 1984?  "Big Brother", "doublethink", "Thought Police", "thoughtcrime" come to mind when you describe him.

[giotto]

56 minutes ago, salparadise said:

That's the point isn't it? And classical is about as non-offensive as it gets, while rap is probably the most offensive. It's just so in-your-face that you can't passively tune it out like you can many other types (genres).  

I play music aloud (as opposed to silently) in my house every day. I have a large, fairly expensive, stereo hifi system that I mostly built myself and which constitutes a serious hobby. In order for me to date or live with someone there would need to be some alignment in musical tastes. It wouldn't have to be perfect alignment, but I couldn't have rap for even five minutes. It hurts my ears and triggers something even more fundamental. You know how sometimes you're in traffic at a red light and the car next to you has the huge woofers playing loud thump-thump-thump rap crap... it drives me nuts, like what gives them the right to impose that on me? It's literally torture.

I'm not saying that OP doesn't have the right to like what she likes... she just needs to understand that rap is not some neutral personal preference like jazz or R&B or whatever, it elicits reactions in people.

 

This is clearly an OT (but I hope the moderators will allow it because relevant, IMO)... but I would have a problem if my musical tastes were too different from my partner's. My wife's musical tastes weren't really my cup of tea, but bearable. I was more the indie/rock/goth (and later metal) type and we clashed often... so, I get the rap rejection, but not the comment which went with it.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

That's the point isn't it? And classical is about as non-offensive as it gets, while rap is probably the most offensive. It's just so in-your-face that you can't passively tune it out like you can many other types (genres).  

The song she sent him she described as inspirational and motivational. 

Given he's a motivational speaker, sounds like he is more threatened by the song and not necessarily our OP.

That's his problem, not hers.

[Ami1uwant]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The song she sent him she described as inspirational and motivational. 

Given he's a motivational speaker, sounds like he is more threatened by the song and not necessarily our OP.

That's his problem, not hers.

I asked that of thr OP up thread….

 

is it the lyrics or the music.

if she googled the song lyrics snd just copied and pasted the lyrics with reference to artist/ title does it get a different reaction.

[introverted1]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I just did a little vomit in my mouth 

He's either:

1 read too many PUA blogs

2 insecure and making up for it with bravdo

3 horribly conceited  

And, in this case, 1+2+3=0.

No one who is actually "high value" has to say it.