He insulted my music taste, red flag?

[ShyViolet]

It's fine if he doesn't like all the same music as you.  Chances are, two people are going to have some different music tastes.  He could have said "this isn't my cup of tea, it's not my thing".  But his comment "it's not a good look on you" was very rude and kind of insulting YOU as a person.  I'd have a big problem with that and I'd be very wary of this guy going forward.

[BaileyB]

As was said above ^^^

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but I would watch to see if other similar comments are made. 

[ShyViolet]

Just now, BaileyB said:

As was said above ^^^

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but I would watch to see if other similar comments are made. 

Right.  If he says ONE more rude or insulting comment, I'd be gone.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

NOOOOO LOL the rap community does not respect nick cannon as a rapper lol they find him goofy and lame so that would not be a great choice esp for this guy who hates rap music.. I think she should ditch this guy anyways.. he sounds super judgmental and if he was that way with music, there's no telling what's going to come out is mouth next thats even more offensive. 

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

I could understand if I sent him a rap song about dancing at the clubs or something really trashy, but it wasn't, it was a rap song about not giving up on yourself and dreaming higher. It was inspirational with a good beat. Now I'm worried he's super judgmental or thinks lowly of me for liking rap. 

Youare going to have differences.  You might not agree on the same music interest nor the same style/ type of movies.

This generally is not an issue unless….one of you likes to play thst music all day around the house…or that person us a wanna be musician into that music…thrn it’s a far bigger deal.

 

[Alpacalia]

Still, I recommend going with my first suggestion.

Send him another rap song.

Or next time you're driving in a car together have it blasting.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

What does he think if you like rock music?  Is that a bad look on you too?  I'm thinking he's thinking this is saying more about what you really like which is black guys, thugs, drugs, hoes and everything most hip hop is about.  I'm an older black lady and I love hip hop, rock, heavy metal, country, jazz, classical, pop, show tunes; if it's music I love it.  However most people think that the type of music you like says a lot about the person you are.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

For me, it's not that he doesn't like the music.

But that he said "it's not a good look on you" or however he phrased it. 

Apparently, your taste in music doesn't match the image he has of you, projected on to you, and yes that IS a red flag imo.

To add to my comment above^ which I still believe is the main issue, NOT that he isn't into the same music, a great response had you thought of it at the time, would have been:

"And what type of music do you think would be a good look on me"? 

You could have said it playfully but if me, I'd be interested to know what his "image" of me is and what type of music HE thinks fits that image. 

I'm sorry guy sounds like a certifiable a-hole.

After only three weeks, this could very well be a deal breaker for me.

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid unnecessary BS later. 

[mark clemson]

People can get along fine with different tastes in music. Also I think everyone has things they think it's ok to "bash." He was being honest, perhaps, but not particularly tactful.

If it turns out you have different tastes in music (and probably at least a few other things) that's fine.

IF he starts trying to "remake you into someone he sees as acceptable for a partner" and that person isn't really you, then you're incompatible (and he's a bit wrong headed here).

Ultimately, continuing the relationship or not will be a choice that both of you make (or not). There is such as thing as "trying to make it work," which can work, but OFTEN doesn't. IF it's too much effort or one or both of are asked to give up things they truly love or go against their deeply held and strongly preferred views, habits, tastes, etc, then it's probably wiser to just admit incompatibility.

[ccas93]

"it's not a good look on you" is a big red flag IMO. I would maybe give it another chance, but it almost sounds like he could be kinda controlling and the kind of guy who expects and projects what HE wants you to be, rather than who you are. 

[Noproblem]

Listen I don't care if he doesn't like rap songs, it's the comments that he said afterwards.

He shamed you for listening to rap songs and is trying to say  it's kinda unlady like and not good image for you to listen to such songs. He is actually trashing the whole community who listen to rap songs

and while I don't care much for rap songs, but I do love pop songs and I won't tolerate any nasty comments about my taste of music and even if there were such comments, I wouldn't accept that someone says oh it's not unbecoming of me to listen to x or y.. 

 

So yeah.. DROP THIS GUY

it starts with small things, little by little you let go of everything that makes you you, do not ever appologize for your taste and what you like.

Don't ever be hesistant to share what you like or love with others, be it a novel, a song, a movie.. It is what you like.. you should be able to share it without fear of jugement.

 

 

 

Edited September 24, 2022 by Noproblem

[giotto]

What kind of music was the song he sent to you? Just wondering... BTW, I would never go out with a person who says that stuff to me. Very rude and very judgemental.

[princessaurora]

13 hours ago, Noproblem said:

it starts with small things, little by little you let go of everything that makes you you, do not ever appologize for your taste and what you like.

Don't ever be hesistant to share what you like or love with others, be it a novel, a song, a movie.. It is what you like.. you should be able to share it without fear of jugement.

Exactly, it' ll start off with music, then he'll be telling you your preferred movie genre doesn' t suit you, then he' ll start critiquing how you dress. I would definitely keep my guard up with this guy. It sounds like he's trying to mold you into who he wants you to be, and not accepting you for who you are. Trust me, you do not want to change your identity to satisfy a man. I watched a very close friend of mine marry a man who did this to her and it made me so sad to see him strip her of the wonderful unique person she was. 

[poppyfields]

On 9/23/2022 at 10:14 PM, Lattes4Days said:

I'm seeing a new guy and things are going GREAT. Like, wow this could be IT, great

@Lattes4Dayscould you share with us the things about him, about you and him together, that make this new relationship so GREAT?

Other than s strong attraction and intoxicating chemistry?

Before I learned to apply logic to my relationships versus pure emotion as I used to do, all my relationships ended in disaster.

As the qualities that initially attracted me were the same qualities that later repelled me - controlling, possessive, domineering, mentally abusive.

It's somewhar difficult admitting that now, but it's true. 

So.   This one comment this man made, about your taste in music not being a good look on you, seems like such a small thing when you weigh it against the amazing chemistry and attraction.

But it's so NOT a small thing. 

It's a huge thing, it speaks volumes about his character, his image of you as a woman and romantic partner and your reaction to his comment also speaks volumes and will pave the way towards the type of dynamic you develop together.

So again if you could please share the positives; what makes him so great as per the above quote, it might help with understanding what's truly at play here for you. 

Can't speak for others but I'd feel better because I know none of what anyone says here is going to change your mind about him, at least not currently.

The attraction is too strong, so like most everything else in life, you will play it out and if/when you get hurt, you will learn and grow and take those lessons into your next relationship.

I wish you good luck.

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

My wife likes S Club 7 and we’re still married. Bad taste in music is not a deal breaker. Trying to introduce your partner to music also not a dealbreaker. Telling your partner what they should and shouldn’t like is a dealbreaker. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

Telling your partner what they should and shouldn’t like is a dealbreaker. 

As well as insulting your partner for what they like. 

"Not a good look on you"?  That was an insult or an attempt to insult and trust me, it was very much intentional. 

After only three weeks?  

I would still like to know what makes him so GREAT per your initial post.

This situation is so troubling, @Lattes4Days I hope you will return and tell us you dumped him although I realize that is highly unlikely.

 

[glows]

I don’t know how to warm up to someone who says something like this. Let us know how it goes.

[Alpacalia]

Early in our dating relationship, a man I dated made a similar comment (nothing to do with music), and I chose to stop seeing him.

It was difficult because I liked him a lot and he was kind and respectful otherwise.

The reason for such comments will never be known for certain, but you can make some educated guesses. You'll have some understanding of the person unless you're dealing with a total stranger and can determine if the person is intentionally malicious or just mindless and not worth wasting your energy on.

Moving forward it might help too to spend a little time reflecting on how certain comments affect if you want to better prepare yourself for the next time an insult comes your way (whether it be with a friend, family member or a boyfriend). Is there anything that you hold that contributes to your reactions based on the beliefs you hold? 

In my case, this answer took a while to come to me, but I now believe it was to do with pride-I felt as if my identity was being threatened. The idea that everyone should treat me kindly was deeply ingrained in my mind, so it was a dismaying sight for me when someone didn't do so.

I'm glad that you posted OP.

Having the self-respect to not overlook it is a testament to your good sense and self-respect. It was for that reason that you posted.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision either way!

Edited September 25, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Lattes4Days]

Thank you all for your advice. In terms of what else makes him so great, lets just say he's exactly what I've been looking for in every aspect (aside from his rude comment about music), he's ambitious, very successful, incredibly handsome, calls himself a "high value man", we are into the same topics, we have the same spiritual beliefs which are not very common in that community in terms of alternative spirituality, we have a lot of similarities, basically across the board everything fits except this one comment he made. Which is why I'm not saying its a deal breaker because I feel like THAT would be a bit too dramatic of a reaction if I did that.

I'm not willing to lose this guy over one comment. I am incredibly picky and have stayed single for over a year because of how picky I am (not a single date in a year other than this guy). So yes, I am prioritizing this connection. 

What he does for a living may play into his remark, too. He is a lifestyle motivational coach, and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. Yes, it does seem quite judgmental. Its also making me worry I'll have to walk on eggshells around him, because we are after all still in the "getting to know each other" phase where I'm not that comfortable yet.

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Lattes4Days said:

calls himself a "high value man"...

Oh dear..

I would advise you to stay away from men who refer to themselves that way, but it would do no good. 

All I will say is good luck with that and hope it works out for you. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, Lattes4Days said:

Its also making me worry I'll have to walk on eggshells around him,

Oh and this^, that's his game, what he's counting on, it puts him in control.

However, I am getting the distinct sense you find this all very exciting, it turns you on, so will say nothing and again wish you luck. 

 

 

.

[Lattes4Days]

I know, the term high value man does sound pretentious. Its not lost on me. I will gauge whether he says anything else rude. I feel like its just too soon to really be able to tell at this point if that was a fluke comment or if its a pattern. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Lattes4Days said:

and he often talks about positive mindset and not letting "negative" things impact your mind i.e. negative movies or music or whatever else. 

Isn't that precisely what he did though by insulting you for liking rap music? 

Interject negativity by telling you "it's not a good look on you"? 

So in addition to being rude and insulting, he's a hypocrite.  He also sounds like a big manipulator.

What a mind spin.

But you're attracted to him, he's the best most "high social value" man (according to him) you've dated in a very long time, if ever, so you will just have to play it out. 

Imo that's the best way to learn, through experience.

Please know we're here if you need us as you embark on this new journey.  

All the best. 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lattes4Days said:

I feel like its just too soon to really be able to tell at this point if that was a fluke comment or if its a pattern. 

Right, that’s why you date. It’s easy to see he checks the all the superficial boxes, but it takes time to know whether or not he’ll make a good partner, or even if you’re actually compatible. You do have different taste in music after all…

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Lattes4Days said:

he's ambitious, very successful, incredibly handsome, calls himself a "high value man", we are into the same topics, we have the same spiritual beliefs which are not very common in that community in terms of alternative spirituality, we have a lot of similarities, basically across the board everything fits except this one comment he made. 

I was hoping to read something different. You sure you like him for the right reasons? You don't list any character traits as to why you like him like he's kind, considerate, he makes time for you, he makes you feel like you're special to him.

It reads like you like him as a groopie would like a rock star. He allows himself to make these comments because he knows he's got you

A person of high value does not claim themselves high value, they show you. 

He feels full of himself. 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Gaeta