Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[SM78]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm curious:  Why did you decide that he and his kids should move into your apartment building then?  Seems like that was a pretty huge move if you thought your living situation there was temporary.

I didn't encourage him to move. He was looking for a rental in my neighbourhood since his kids go to school here (we met through his brother who lives up the street from me), and it turned out that the tenants just above me moved out, and he thought it might be fun to live in the same building. Honestly, not a lot of thought went into this move. Our kids hadn't met prior to his move, and we didn't know if they would get along or not. He made it clear that he didn't want me to have any expectations either way - and I didn't - it just turned out that the kids got along better than we could possibly have imagined!

[SM78]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I'm divorced and never want to live with anyone, much less get married again.  I bought a house two years into my current relationship (of a little over 3 years).  I very much love my guy and would love for us to spend the rest of our lives together.  But not living together, not married.  

I think you should do what you need to do for your and your children's best interest, including buying a house if that's the right thing.  You will have to decide if you are ok staying with him, but not necessarily married or even living together, at least for a while.  Bringing up the subject over and over again will cause problems, and most likely make him even less willing to think about making long term plans.  Believe what he's telling you about how he feels, don't try to reason him out of how he sees things.  It won't work and will only cause resentment.  

I understand your desire to know right now, but unfortunately he's not able to give you that.  

I think that's great that this is what you prefer in a relationship. I have many friends with different relationship preferences, and realize that everyone has different wants and needs, and I totally respect that. On my end, I know that I like to be in a relationship with someone that I live with. My favourite part of a relationship is not the exciting weekends or weekends away, but the every day: grocery shopping, cooking, a long walk chatting away etc. I'm not saying that it's better than other choices, but that's what I am looking for in a relationship. I know I'm supposed to be independent, find my own destiny, be a feminist and not need men, etc. I think I'm a strong woman that went through a lot in my life and not only survived but thrived despite it. I've built a great career, I have strong relationships with my family, have lots of friends, many talents and hobbies etc. My life is full. And yet, I don't really enjoy living alone. I have lived alone for many years of my life, and I'm not miserable or anything like that. I don't wither away. But I prefer having someone in my life, ideally someone that I live with. That's my preference.

[glows]

It’s only a few months since his custody was settled in court for his kids. It’s way too soon to be expecting anything but this kind of a reaction from someone. If he had jumped on the idea, it’d be a red flag. The guy isn’t anywhere near that stage of building a life with someone cohabitating or jointly owning a home. 

It’s good that you know what you want but it’s not what the situation calls for. He says he needs more time - you can either agree or disagree. I think arguing on this will create resentment and make you both miserable. Prolonging the argument will drive you both apart. The bottomline is it boils down to mutual respect. If you can’t respect his decisions or thoughts then it suggests you may not respect him as a man or partner. Maybe you distrust his judgments in the past or something has caused you to doubt him? 

In the meantime your kids suffer as they may be outgrowing sharing a room. I don’t see this being about feminism or not needing a man. It’s probably not even as much about what you want in a relationship. It’s about putting your children and family first. He seems to be doing that with his kids and his well-being. Why shouldn’t you do the same?

Edited December 17, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should go ahead and start house-hunting, but on your own. Not with the intention of buying one with him. 

You need to move forward with your life and do what is best for you and your kids. He may catch up someday, but in the meantime, make steps for your own family to be more comfortable. He's obviously not going to be comfortable buying  house with you any time soon, so you will to do this by yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SM78 said:

  I don't really enjoy living alone. 

You're relationship, especially as single parents and particularly so soon after the demise of his marriage, is moving along fine.

He is wisely taking his time, adjusting to single parenthood and putting his children's needs first.

There's no need to play house yet. Try to build a more solid relationship first and spend time together.

[FMW]

5 hours ago, SM78 said:

That's my preference.

Which is what probably most people would prefer.  The issue seems to be that's not his preference, at least not at the moment.  You can't change his mind about that anymore than he (or anyone else) could change yours.  

[Calmandfocused]

I’m in FMWs camp. Op your boyfriend probably is too and I don’t blame him. Divorces and custody battles are hard. Your partner needs space to breathe! 
 

Just because you have certain preferences it doesn’t mean that your boyfriend shares them. Your boyfriend’s perspective may be that your current situation is ideal. You can enjoy each other without the pressure. 
 

Your boyfriend cannot do something just because you want it. It has to be right for him too. At this moment in time living with you is not the right decision for him and probably not for his children either. Don’t forget that the children have been through a lot too. 
 

Do whats best for your family. Proceed with buying a house and give your children the space they need. I promise you that you will get used to “living alone” even though you won’t be living alone. You will be living with your children. 
 

What you mean is you want someone to share your bed with every night and to live together like a married couple. My sense is that you have not fully adjusted  to life as a divorced single mother which you should do. You’re looking for another man to “fill the gap” that your ex husband left in your life. 
 

Unfortunately, thats  your problem that you need to address, not your boyfriend’s. 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Never wait for someone in this situation, and please, for your own wellbeing, drop the focus on "he says he loves me."

Heck, I loved all kinds of people. Would say that. Didn't mean I wanted to move in with them, didn't mean I wanted to keep dating them. Didn't mean I was all that happy dating them! "Love" is such a slippery word. Don't interpret that word to mean that he will change his feelings, change in his mind about going further in the relationship. Simply not true. 

Your best bet is always to pay attention to people's actions, not their words. Frankly, there are tons of people out there who don't even know how to speak about their feelings and who will understate or overstate their feelings to minimize conflict and to avoid hurting the other person's feelings.

And quit analyzing his history. We don't care about someone's history and whether they had a mean ex or traumatic past. We don't want to care about any of that.

The only question we want to care about is this: right now--now!--are they able to give us what we want? Not tomorrow, not after a promotion, not after we get married, not after they heal from one ex or another, not after enough time has passed after a parent dies. Nope. Can they give us what we want right now?

[Beachead]

@SM78

Hey OP,

Based on what you've written, I believe he's telling you the truth.  His divorce is fresh has emotionally drained him.  I can imagine the last thing he wants to do is put himself back in that boat, especially when he's not entirely sure of himself yet.  He needs to time to recover and sort his mind out and is probably hoping you can be patient with him so it will be up to you to give patience, compassion, understanding.  If you push him, it's likely he'll withdraw.

Having said that, a proper home for your kids and yourself is a basic need and that takes priority over the relationship right now.  You a need comfortable place where you can live.  If you don't take care of that first, you'll grow more impatient and eventually resentful of your relationship and that won't be helpful to the relationship in the long-run.  So don't put that part of your life on hold.  Buy the 3 bedroom home and take care of your needs right now.  You may find the pressure to move forward, reduced, once you decide to do this and you get it done. 

If your relationship is loving and healthy, your boyfriend will understand and everything else will sort itself out eventually.

Goodluck

- Feather

Edited December 17, 2022 by MisterFeather

[smackie9]

Buy/move to a house for YOU and your kids. That is the safest bet. If your two live together and it doesn't work out, then you will be stuck having to uproot your kids again. Give them a permanent home. They need it more, than you need this relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

This sounds very much like my situation. I am also divorced (for 6 years), as is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years and do not live together (mostly because of being in different school districts and both having kids and also my alimony clause of 5 years, but now that has ended). We have talked about the next steps and he's made it clear he is still fearful of progressing the relationship forward. We have been having these conversations since year 2 (similar to you) and his perspective has not changed. But the reason I have stayed in the relationship is mainly because my perspective has changed! I bought a beautiful house, became financially stable, and generally enjoy being a single person but still having a relationship. I'm not actually sure I want a live in partner or a husband again. So I actually do see the benefit of how he feels, despite the fact that's not what I had originally wanted going into the relationship or when I got divorced. 

But in your situation, I would REALLY consider if this is what you want. You could end up years from now still in the same situation (just like myself) where he is still saying the same things to you. But not everyone is like me. Divorced men either want to remarry or they can be totally terrified of it. Can you accept this situation as it is and remain in a relationship with this man even if it never changes? Or do you need more out of a relationship then you are getting. There is no right or wrong answer, it's honestly what you feel is right for YOU.

Edited December 17, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[BaileyB]

Or, it could work out like me. When I met him, he had been separated for three years. He was just signing divorce papers (I didn’t really realize that at the time). I could tell that it was a difficult divorce but I really had no idea because he didn’t share it all with me. We “dated” for a few months and when I wanted to move the relationship forward - he told me that he was not ready and he didn’t know when he would be ready for a serious relationship. We said goodbye amicably. 

About a year and a half later, he sent me an email. We went out a few times and we both knew that it was much different. He told me after the fact that he needed to take time to deal with his emotion after the divorce, establish and independent life for himself and his child, financially he needed to get things together, and he needed to establish a coparenting relationship with his ex. I respected him for taking the time that he needed.

We lived separately for three years before he asked me to move in with him. He told me that he never wanted to get married again and I was fine with that. I moved in with him thinking we would never marry - we lived together for more than three years before he proposed - about a month ago. It was a TOTAL surprise. He is more excited than I am, but I am delighted because this truly came from him… because he wanted it, not because I pressured him. 

My point being, it took eleven years for him to consider the idea of marriage. It took five years before he was ready to be in a relationship again. Eight years before he wanted to live with someone. So two years, to me, feels like that is way too soon… for so many reasons. It seems very reasonable to me that he would not want to move from one committed relationship to another. 

It may end in cohabitation and/or marriage, or it may not. If you work to get to the place where you are ok either way, you will find true happiness. 

Edited December 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

Agree with the others who have suggested that you look for a house.  I do think it's a little unfortunate that they live in your building, because now when / if you get your house and move it could be kind of a step back in your relationship, rather than forward.  It could seem a bit like a breakup even if unintended.   Also, this "roommate-ish" situation is probably close to ideal for him in his current state of mind.  You're very close and sharing your lives to a great extent, but not fully.  He's good with it - you aren't.  

You need to accept that where he's at is where he's at.  What you want and hope for is not going to make that different.  He knows where you stand.  If he's panicking when you bring this up, you know he's experiencing it as pressure and that's not good.  You've been clear about where you stand; repeating it is not going to get you what you want.  I'm sure that if he "capitulates" you won't be very happy because that just never seems to go well.  He needs to be ready and all in.

For the time being, you have two choices:  Try to embrace what you have and enjoy it fully, or move on.  

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Or, it could work out like me. When I met him, he had been separated for three years. He was just signing divorce papers (I didn’t really realize that at the time). I could tell that it was a difficult divorce but I really had no idea because he didn’t share it all with me. We “dated” for a few months and when I wanted to move the relationship forward - he told me that he was not ready and he didn’t know when he would be ready for a serious relationship. We said goodbye amicably. 

About a year and a half later, he sent me an email. We went out a few times and we both knew that it was much different. He told me after the fact that he needed to take time to deal with his emotion after the divorce, establish and independent life for himself and his child, financially he needed to get things together, and he needed to establish a coparenting relationship with his ex. I respected him for taking the time that he needed.

We lived separately for three years before he asked me to move in with him. He told me that he never wanted to get married again and I was fine with that. I moved in with him thinking we would never marry - we lived together for more than three years before he proposed - about a month ago. It was a TOTAL surprise. He is more excited than I am, but I am delighted because this truly came from him… because he wanted it, not because I pressured him. 

My point being, it took eleven years for him to consider the idea of marriage. It took five years before he was ready to be in a relationship again. Eight years before he wanted to live with someone. So two years, to me, feels like that is way too soon… for so many reasons. It seems very reasonable to me that he would not want to move from one committed relationship to another. 

It may end in cohabitation and/or marriage, or it may not. If you work to get to the place where you are ok either way, you will find true happiness. 

Agree totally with this! Not everyone is on the same time table. I think if my boyfriend and I get married it will be many many years from now but I would want it to the be right time and his decision and something we both want. Happy it worked out for you! 

[poppyfields]

On 12/16/2022 at 12:15 PM, SM78 said:

I don't need things to happen tomorrow, but I would like to know that our relationship is heading in that direction. I don't really care about marriage, but I do care about eventually fully sharing a life together.

You are sharing a life together.  You're not living together but you're still sharing your lives.

You spend entire weekends together and are spending the holidays with friends and families.  You're children get on well together as well.  You're able to communicate and resolve conflicts. 

I fail to understand why you don't believe this is sharing your lives?

I understand that you enjoy the day-to-day and want to buy a house and live together. 

And after two years, that is certainly reasonable.

However, unfortunately HE isn't there yet which is also reasonable.

It's important you respect that and stop attempting to force it by continuing to discuss. All that will accomplish is pushing him away.   

It's rather obvious at this point he is already feeling pushed and pressured, hence his response that he needs more time. 

It may not be your intention to pressure, but by continuing to bring it up, that's what you're doing and how HE is feeling. 

If you envision your relationship being long term and eventually living together, try enjoying each day as it comes and cherishing what you currently DO have together. 

Which frankly sounds beautiful imo, more than many people have or able to find. 

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

I honestly don't understand why someone would get into a potentially serious relationship and involve his kids in it if he seriously felt he had a lot of healing to do before he could even consider progressing in that relationship. And I have no idea how a woman who wanted more would go about balancing all of that and making it work. The idea that five years could go by and he could still feel the same way would be too much for me to bear.

All I can advice you to do is to be true to yourself, your needs, and your kids' needs. If this arrangement is not working for you, be honest with yourself about it. If, on the other hand, you have the capacity to wait and see what happens over time, by all means do that. But don't put your life and your kids' lives on hold. For all practical purposes, you are still single. Make your financial decisions accordingly. 

[Lauriebell82]

On 12/18/2022 at 2:28 PM, Acacia98 said:

I honestly don't understand why someone would get into a potentially serious relationship and involve his kids in it if he seriously felt he had a lot of healing to do before he could even consider progressing in that relationship. And I have no idea how a woman who wanted more would go about balancing all of that and making it work. The idea that five years could go by and he could still feel the same way would be too much for me to bear.

All I can advice you to do is to be true to yourself, your needs, and your kids' needs. If this arrangement is not working for you, be honest with yourself about it. If, on the other hand, you have the capacity to wait and see what happens over time, by all means do that. But don't put your life and your kids' lives on hold. For all practical purposes, you are still single. Make your financial decisions accordingly. 

I think it probably is hard to understand if you have not had a traumatic marriage/divorce and properly healed from that. It's even harder when having to continually coparent with this toxic ex spouse who continually does crazy stuff. It makes progressing a new relationship very daunting/confusing/scary. 

That being said, I agree the OP should base her decision making on what she feels is in her best interest. I know for myself my relationship works best if I make my own plans for me and my kids (and my boyfriend does the same) and we both continue to fit each other into those plans. I had to do was become more comfortable living in the "unknown" if you will, because there is no hard and fast plan for what is to happen with our relationship. That has been an extreme challenge for me given I like to have a plan for my life. But what has helped is to have faith that my boyfriend will continue to fit into whatever plan I have for myself. And that's what will make our relationship work! 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[stillafool]

Wasn't there a problem with your bf no longer wanting to sleep downstairs in your apartment because the kids get up at night and it disturbed him?  You were complaining that he doesn't come downstairs as much since he moved upstairs?  Did all of that get worked out?

[SM78]

On 12/16/2022 at 4:50 PM, stillafool said:

It's not a good idea to put your life on hold for any man.  He hasn't given you a time or date as to when or if he will marry you or buy a home with you.  Therefore you should move forward with buying your home.  His reaction to this should give you an idea as to where his head is at.  Just take care of you and the kids until he puts a ring on your finger.

Coincidently, I saw a house go on the market on Friday that was exactly what I was looking for. Perfect size, a block from my current apartment, a great great price! I walked past it with my kids and called right away (in front of them). Unfortunately, there was already an accepted offer on it, not that I really felt ready to buy something right this minute. But the kids mentioned this to my BF over the weekend, and he was very upset. Not like yelling upset, but super sad upset. He said "why can't you wait for me? I just got over my custody battle and adjusting to a new schedule with my kids. I need some time to just live and not worry and plan for a while". I do see his point, but when I pressed him to give me more details of what amount of waiting is required of me, he said "two years?". My eldest will be in high school by then. He's not gonna want to share a room with his sister at that age!

[BaileyB]

^^^ There is nothing to say that you can’t sell whatever home you buy and get something together when he is ready - two years, five years, ten years down the road… no decision is forever. You need to do what’s right for your children, they are your first priority. He is a parent, he should understand that. There will always be time for your relationship - right now, the focus should be on what’s best for your children. 

[SM78]

On 12/16/2022 at 7:06 PM, Gaeta said:

Has he dated other women before meeting you?

Not much. He was only single for a year before we met. He didn't date for the first 9 months after his separation. He said he didn't feel ready, and felt he should figure things out for himself a bit before starting a new life with someone else. He wasn't interested in casual dating, he wanted to find a new life partner once he was ready. He had only been dated for a few months when we met.

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 3:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You're relationship, especially as single parents and particularly so soon after the demise of his marriage, is moving along fine.

He is wisely taking his time, adjusting to single parenthood and putting his children's needs first.

There's no need to play house yet. Try to build a more solid relationship first and spend time together.

I agree. We have a great relationship. We are able to communicate really well which is something I never had with my ex husband. He would get upset and stonewall and then I would give into what he wanted just so he would talk to me again! My BF doesn't do that. He very respectfully listens to my concerns and acknowledges my feelings. But he won't compromise if things don't work for him. He's very clear with his boundaries. I realize that's something I'm myself not so great at because I was never allowed to have boundaries with my ex!

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 12:46 PM, Lauriebell82 said:

This sounds very much like my situation. I am also divorced (for 6 years), as is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years and do not live together (mostly because of being in different school districts and both having kids and also my alimony clause of 5 years, but now that has ended). We have talked about the next steps and he's made it clear he is still fearful of progressing the relationship forward. We have been having these conversations since year 2 (similar to you) and his perspective has not changed. But the reason I have stayed in the relationship is mainly because my perspective has changed! I bought a beautiful house, became financially stable, and generally enjoy being a single person but still having a relationship. I'm not actually sure I want a live in partner or a husband again. So I actually do see the benefit of how he feels, despite the fact that's not what I had originally wanted going into the relationship or when I got divorced. 

But in your situation, I would REALLY consider if this is what you want. You could end up years from now still in the same situation (just like myself) where he is still saying the same things to you. But not everyone is like me. Divorced men either want to remarry or they can be totally terrified of it. Can you accept this situation as it is and remain in a relationship with this man even if it never changes? Or do you need more out of a relationship then you are getting. There is no right or wrong answer, it's honestly what you feel is right for YOU.

That is such an interesting story. Thanks for sharing! And thanks for the question! First thought that comes to mind is that I want to be in this relationship with him no matter what he decides although I do have a clear preference for moving in together at some point. A big part of his custody battle was that his ex wanted to relocate. His lawyer thought her arguments weren't amazing, but perhaps good enough to convince a judge. She gave it a 20% chance that the ex would win relocation. So, it's not something that was a huge worry for us, but we did have some discussions around it, about him potentially relocating with her if she won, and whether we would try to figure out the long distance thing (we agreed that we would give it a try). In that sense, I would say that we are both very committed to making this work even if the situation is perhaps no ideal. I would definitely not break up over him not wanting to move in with me, not specifically in any case. By that I mean that the situation (if I'm continuously unhappy about the situation) might cause tension in our relationship which might have an negative outcome.

I don't think that he's terrified of the commitment, or remarrying. He has brought up the topic of us eventually getting married very often, which is honestly a bit confusing in the current context! I think that he is very confused and doesn't really know what he wants and it's exhausting and impossible to plan around!

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 6:02 PM, poppyfields said:

You are sharing a life together.  You're not living together but you're still sharing your lives.

You spend entire weekends together and are spending the holidays with friends and families.  You're children get on well together as well.  You're able to communicate and resolve conflicts. 

I fail to understand why you don't believe this is sharing your lives?

I understand that you enjoy the day-to-day and want to buy a house and live together. 

And after two years, that is certainly reasonable.

However, unfortunately HE isn't there yet which is also reasonable.

It's important you respect that and stop attempting to force it by continuing to discuss. All that will accomplish is pushing him away.   

It's rather obvious at this point he is already feeling pushed and pressured, hence his response that he needs more time. 

It may not be your intention to pressure, but by continuing to bring it up, that's what you're doing and how HE is feeling. 

If you envision your relationship being long term and eventually living together, try enjoying each day as it comes and cherishing what you currently DO have together. 

Which frankly sounds beautiful imo, more than many people have or able to find. 

 

 

 

You are right. We have an amazing relationship. He's amazing. His kids are amazing. Everyone get along (he even gets along splendidly with my weird and difficult family. They cannot stop singing his praise. They all want to marry him!! My mom the first! (she HATED my ex husband).

[SM78]

On 12/20/2022 at 11:50 AM, Lauriebell82 said:

I think it probably is hard to understand if you have not had a traumatic marriage/divorce and properly healed from that. It's even harder when having to continually coparent with this toxic ex spouse who continually does crazy stuff. It makes progressing a new relationship very daunting/confusing/scary. 

That being said, I agree the OP should base her decision making on what she feels is in her best interest. I know for myself my relationship works best if I make my own plans for me and my kids (and my boyfriend does the same) and we both continue to fit each other into those plans. I had to do was become more comfortable living in the "unknown" if you will, because there is no hard and fast plan for what is to happen with our relationship. That has been an extreme challenge for me given I like to have a plan for my life. But what has helped is to have faith that my boyfriend will continue to fit into whatever plan I have for myself. And that's what will make our relationship work! 

My BF is also dealing with a very difficult coparenting situation. His ex is so so toxic. The messages she sends him sometimes are extremely nasty! I get the stress of it. I see him tense up every time he sees that she sent him another message!

I am also a planner, and it's been extremely hard not planning, not thinking about the future, just being in the "now". Also, it's hard for him to fit within my plans given the court order and the difficult ex. (part of their agreement is that their schedule changes with the kids' activities. They are both in competitive sports). So, I feel like I always have to adapt to his plans, and if I can't then we sometimes go a big stretch of opposite schedules until I can figure it out with my ex. So that's been difficult on me. I've been having to do a lot of compromising.