Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

His kids don't know that we are a couple.

All of this and - his kids don’t know that you are a couple??!!

Here you are, talking about the fact that you asked your 7 year old if it was ok if mommy slept two floors away with her boyfriend… Here you are, going on about how happy it makes your partner to see your children play together and get along so well… and his kids don’t know that you are a couple? 

First, his kids know you are a couple. If he hasn’t told them, his manipulative ex-wife has definitely told them. Or, your kids have told them. The only two people here who are still blissfully ignorant are yourself and your boyfriend. 

Further, in my humble opinion you had no business moving these children into the same home while deceiving them. If you couldn’t be open and honest about your relationship with the children that was a sure sign that it was TOO SOON to be cohabiting with their father - divided townhouse or not. To me, this clearly shows that the needs of the parents superseded the needs of the children. It shows such disrespect for the children that they have been placed in this situation while being deceived by their parents. 

And finally, if I may, if his daughter does not know who you are and the circumstances of this “relationship,” you should not be invading her personal space by working in her bedroom. This just makes me so sad for the children…
 

Edited September 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

Interesting:  I don't get the same impression that many others have that this guy is scrambling and manipulating to get the advantages the OP and her duplex have to offer.

I have the general sense that the OP REALLY REALLY wants this relationship and the guy has been waffling (appropriately, under the circumstances, IMO - he did not need all these complications while trying to finalize a divorce and custody issues).   

OP had answers:  Evict the tenants, move him in, don't worry we can lie to the kids,  everything will be just fine.  

But it's not.

I don't blame you, OP, but I think that you have been trying way too hard and the solutions you've come up with, along with this man, are not reasonable.  

The more I follow, the more I tend to go along with his idea of the 6 months.  I get that you are serious about him and have hopes for the future, even though at this point it looks pretty unlikely that they will be realized.  In any case you don't want to give up and also it would be quite unfair to the kids to have to move again.  His children are going through all of this with him.   

If you back way off for the 6 months (and back to the OP, agree to sleep separately and evidently - at least according to one of your posts - a virtually sexless relationship) I think that both of you will have a pretty clear picture of where things stand and what you each need to do.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And finally, if I may, if his daughter does not know who you are and the circumstances of this “relationship,” you should not be invading her personal space by working in her bedroom. This just makes me so sad for the children…
 

Yeah, this part of it really made my head spin.  I know how territorial kids can be and when a divorce is happening it often gets way worse.  Things they thought were solid turn out to be completely not.  So having to move to a new place AND not live with both parents at once is a big deal.  Then to have a virtual stranger who really isn't even close to your family in any way you understand "sharing" your bedroom when you're not there?  NOPE.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I have the general sense that the OP REALLY REALLY wants this relationship and the guy has been waffling (appropriately, under the circumstances, IMO - he did not need all these complications while trying to finalize a divorce and custody issues).   

I tend to agree. I see two people who are mutually codependent in a mutually beneficial relationship. In that way, it is like an affair - the man is waffling in that he not going to turn down the comfort, emotional support, sex in the arms of another woman at a very difficult time in his life. And OP has done what most OW do - taken his interest/words/affection as confirmation that he desires a future with her… so much so that while he is preoccupied with the end of his marriage, she is planning his future.  That said, he is getting his needs met because she proves comfort at the most difficult time of his life. And she gets what she wants - the reassurance of partner and the fantasy of building a future relationship with the man. 

The reality is that at this moment, this man is a tenant who is dating his landlord. She is trying to build a serious relationship with another woman’s husband and the divorce is FAR from being settled. The children are intermingled but unaware of the truth of their living situation. He is more than willing to accept the comfort that you provide, but he is not ready to share the truth with his children because he knows it would further increase the complication of the situation with his spouse and impact the relationship he is trying to (re)build with his children. So the adults lie by omission to the children. She just creates her own happy reality - obviously pleased that his daughter calls her “aunt” (which is disturbing to me, poor child has trusted a woman who is lying to her). He is reluctant to bring this together because he can’t - he is still married to another woman. 

So yes, I agree with the above statement that the best thing you can do is take a huge step back and give him the time and space he needs to settle his divorce. Give this relationship an opportunity to develop and stand on its own. If past behavior is any predictor of future behavior, I don’t believe that either of you will be willing to do this. 

 

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

On 9/28/2022 at 11:23 PM, MomInHer40s said:

 

2) His explanation for why he needs to sleep in his own bed on days I have the kids keep changing and are not really that clear. Hence my comment on thinking the bathroom thing is not a proper excuse. I feel that there is something else going on, not something that makes him want to move out or break up or date someone else as @stillafooland @Wiseman2have suggested, but an overwhelm of some sort that he is not communicated clearly to me. Instead, he is pulling away a little bit without proper explanation, and it's hurtful.

3) @Wiseman2He is clearly not really a tenant. We don't even have a lease! And we do have a blended family when all our kids are over. I have my office during the week in one of his kid's bedroom, and he mostly uses my kitchen and does all his laundry in my unit. To treat this as a landlord-tenant situation would be ridiculous. 

6) My main concern in all this is honestly just how this will affect our relationship long term. It's not like we broke up, and are no longer talking, spending time together or having sex. But the time we are spending together is now significantly diminshed, as is the frequency at which we are having sex. If it were only about sleep, then that's one thing. But this is more than just about sleep; it's about our whole relationship having taking a few steps back and now having a shedule that looks more like the schedule we had after 6 months of dating than the one we had after a year of dating. This is concerning and confusing to me. I am concerned that this will lead to us loosing the connection we had, and eventually drifting apart. 

7) In terms of him being divorced or not, I respect everyone else's opinions on whether people should wait to have the divorce paper in hand or not before starting to date. For me, as I stated before, that's not something that I care about or feel makes a difference outside of perhaps being able to own a house together.

One thing that concerns me is that the characterization of your situation depends on who/what you're responding to. You played down the fact that you moved in together to me, making it sound like you're two folks who are dating but don't live together--like the fact that you are under the same roof is a minor thing. But here, you say he is clearly not a tenant and you have a blended family.

Btw, how can you describe it as a blended family on the one hand but then say his kids don't know you're together on the other?

Your concern that his actions will affect your relationship in the long term makes perfect sense. Indeed, they will affect it. But you seem to be assuming that he doesn't realize that. I happen to believe that he knows but that he's just not the sort of person who'll come out and tell you directly. He is deliberately pulling away. And that suggests that, if it leads to your ultimately breaking up, he accepts the outcome.

Surely, by now you must realize that your opinion on marriage is completely irrelevant to your situation? The marriage certificate is not just a paper. And ending a marriage is not just a formality. If these things had been true in his case, his marriage would have ended ages ago and you wouldn't be having the problems you're having. There are some things that ring true for most people, regardless of what they want, feel, or believe. And one of them is that ending a marriage comes with a whole lot of baggage that impacts the folks divorcing and the folks whom they start dating before the divorce is final. The reality is that many of these relationships don't survive the divorce. And there are concrete reasons for that that have to do with the reality of being human and having emotions. You may want to believe that you will be the exception to the rule, but the facts of your situation strongly suggest otherwise. Please refer to Gaeta's wise words on the subject in an earlier post.

In point (2), you say he's pulling away a little bit. In point (6), you say the time you spend together is significantly diminished. Do you notice the apparent contradiction there?

13 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

His kids don't know that we are a couple. We discussed this and think that for the time being it's best given his custody battle. No need to throw oil on the fire (with the ex). Also, he has better access to the kids now, but didn't have a lot of access for a long time. So his relationship with the kids needs rebuilding. He needs to focus on them when he has them. 

If it's not the right time for your kids to know that you're a couple, notwithstanding the fact that you're a blended family (by your own characterization), then you two were not ready for a serious relationship. 

Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is set aside the denial and view your situation for what it is. It is easier to cope with difficult situations when you're honest with yourself about their gravity/enormity. By contrast, if you keep trying to convince yourself that they're not that bad, you will feel blindsided when everything starts to fall apart around you. Your boyfriend may not be the best communicator in the world, but he is communicating something to you through his actions. Heed his message to you.

Edited September 30, 2022 by Acacia98

[Classicfiction]

OP,  have you seen actual recent communication between him and his wife?  The reason I ask is because it appears that something significant happened for him to make this sudden proposal of separate sleeping quarters.

You're right that it doesn't seem like a normal solution to the problem of sleep.  Your instincts are telling you something is up.  In my opinion, if the guy was lacking sleep but still invested in the relationship, he would say something along the lines of, "hey, I'm going to need to sleep solo ocassionally due to missing sleep but will stay with you as often as possible."  And it would not be as drastic as his current enforcement with a request to not broach the subject even as conversation for 6 months.

There is something that he is expecting to happen within or by the end of that 6 month time frame that has nothing to do with an improvement in sleep quality.  I'm sorry, but you know in your gut already that the guy is backing away from you.

There could very well be talk of reconciliation between him and the ex that you aren't aware of and that he is keeping from you due to a fear of being evicted and not having things completely sorted out with her yet.  If not the ex, then its someone or something else that is pulling him away from the relationship with you.

Perhaps he has realized that he does not want to continue the relationship after the divorce is finalized but does not want to disrupt any sense of stability the children have at the moment.  Girl, he is not being honest with you.

Don't fight him on this.  It will only make things worse.  I think you need to begin to detach your heart from this man.

It's a tough situation for the kids.  I would not want to have to displace them again by evicting their father, but at the same time, 6 months is a long time to allow yourself to be lied to and used.  I really think thats whats going on in his head unfortunately... he's already out of the relationship on his end.  He does not want to disrupt his kids' stability any more than he has to.

[MomInHer40s]

4 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

OP,  have you seen actual recent communication between him and his wife?  The reason I ask is because it appears that something significant happened for him to make this sudden proposal of separate sleeping quarters.

You're right that it doesn't seem like a normal solution to the problem of sleep.  Your instincts are telling you something is up.  In my opinion, if the guy was lacking sleep but still invested in the relationship, he would say something along the lines of, "hey, I'm going to need to sleep solo ocassionally due to missing sleep but will stay with you as often as possible."  And it would not be as drastic as his current enforcement with a request to not broach the subject even as conversation for 6 months.

There is something that he is expecting to happen within or by the end of that 6 month time frame that has nothing to do with an improvement in sleep quality.  I'm sorry, but you know in your gut already that the guy is backing away from you.

There could very well be talk of reconciliation between him and the ex that you aren't aware of and that he is keeping from you due to a fear of being evicted and not having things completely sorted out with her yet.  If not the ex, then its someone or something else that is pulling him away from the relationship with you.

Perhaps he has realized that he does not want to continue the relationship after the divorce is finalized but does not want to disrupt any sense of stability the children have at the moment.  Girl, he is not being honest with you.

He shows me all his communications with the ex. They are definitely not getting back together. And I really don't think that there is someone else. 

I agree with you though that it does seem that there is something else going on that is closely related to him moving in. And the way he's suddenly asserting "boundaries" is strange.

We actually had a bit of a difficult discussion last night about this. I told him I'm not gonna wait 6 months to talk about it. If he wants to wait 6 months to reassess the situation, that's not the same as not talking about it. And something he said made me pause. One of the things that I addressed is him not only not wanting to sleep in my bed when I have the kids, but him essentially not really wanting to hang out in my space anymore. I just pointed out that I feel there might be a correlation there. He said that after 2 years of living in furnished apartments, now having a decent-sized apartment with his own furniture (he got half the furniture from their house) makes him feel like he's finally back on a liveable track, and for the first time in a long time has hope for the future. So being in his own space gives him a sense of security and control, and sleeping in my space is probably a reminder of how difficult his living situation was before (and super cramped when he had the kids). 

I know a lot of people mentioned that he is manipulating me, and lying to me. I really don't think that's the case. I know what someone like that is like (that was my ex), and I know he's not it. I do think that he's overwhelmed with many things, disoriented and confused at times. And yes, as many of you point out, perhaps he is confused and suddenly unsure about our relationship. That has certainly crossed my mind as he does appear to pull away. The confusing part of the pulling away is that there's a lot of hot and cold happening, the hot usually when no kids are around, and the cold when kids are here. He seems conflicted about things. @Acacia98 And yes you are right, the repercussions of separation, whether married or not, are many and can be lenghty and complicated if the two parents can't agree and cooperate. This is even more true when children are involved. It is therefore true that a lot of our issues stem from the fact that he's going through a messy divorce. His unease with telling his kids that we are a couple (as many of you addressed this) is one of them. @BaileyB yes you are correct, the ex (and the children) surely know. He has told the ex that he's in a relationship with someone (he put that in his last affidavit actually), but didn't give her my name. And she doesn't know that I live downstairs. They are not really on talking terms to be honest, and haven't had a face to face conversation since their separation. He has been trying to push that thinking it would help with conflict resolution, but her reply every time was "I'm not ready to see you in person". So, they only communicate through and app, and she has specifically asked him to keep conversations exclusively to topics around kids schedule, drop offs/picks ups, school and appointments. A few months ago, he sent her a message explaining that his mom got covid and wouldn't be able to bring their kid to swimming (that he would go instead) and she replied that next time to not communicate details about his family and just tell her that there's been a change of schedule. I see how communicated to her about his new partner and living situation might be difficult. She knows but doesn't want to hear the words from him. On top of that, he has this worry - that to me seems quite irrational to be honest - that there will be some severe repercussions if he tells her about me and the living situation. We've discussed this at length, and looked up everything. There really isn't much she could do. It wouldn't affect the financial or legal situation, and she can't really say that I can't be in the kids' lives. She could try to make a claim that I'm a negative or toxic influence on them, or that I abuse the kids. Although she wouldn't be able to prove that, and I'm not sure anyone would believe her. Another concern of his, this one perhaps more realistic, is that she will make the living situation a major topic in the court proceedings, therefore either taking time away from discussing more important issues, or prolonging trial time, adding significant cost. 

As for not telling the kids, I think that his main worry is backlash from the ex. She seems to make his life especially difficult whenever there's new info she dislikes. I understand his concern, but this does put us all in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, I agree. I will say that he never said that he doesn't want to tell them, only that he wants them to make up their own minds about the new living situation before sharing this info with them (he's afraid that the ex will try to negatively influence their experience if she's upset about the new arrangment). That being said, I do agree with many of your comments on this, and have actually brought this up again last night during our discussion (as something for him to think about, and discuss when he's given it more thought). 

@S2B The separation was complicated. They had been having issues for many years before the final separation. In that sense, I wouldn't say that one or the other really wanted the separation. I think neither one of them wanted things to end like that, but after years of marital difficulties, the situation wasn't tenable anymore. When the pandemic hit, everyone being stuck at him together was the final straw, and he walked away. He moved out in fact, and she retaliated by denying him access to the kids, hence the custody battle. He didn't see his kids for months after the separation, and only got some access back after an emergency court motion intervened. In that sense, I understand his sometimes irrational behaviour when it comes to the ex. He is terrified of what she might, is willing or can do. She is clearly a smart woman and has figured out how to use the system to her advantage. She seems to be spending most of her spare time researching ways to win this case. He is scared of her, which makes him behave in ways sometimes that don't entirely make sense unfortunately.

All that being said, I do love him, and I'm pretty sure that he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what is going on in his head right now, but I would like to find a way forward, a way to save this relationship. I feel that if we can make it through these tough times (his legal battle has intensidied since they embarked on the trial route, adding additional pressure on our relationship), we have all the tools to build a happy and lasting relationship. Perhaps I am naive.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

H I feel that if we can make it through these tough times (his legal battle has intensidied since they embarked on the trial route, adding additional pressure on our relationship), we have all the tools to build a happy and lasting relationship. Perhaps I am naive.

I know being in love is powerful, but put your logic hat on for a minute. you did not have the opportunity to build the solid foundation required to go through these tough times. Your relationship has ONLY been about going through 'tough times'. You don't have a good relationship to go back to.  You don't even know what a 'good relationship' looks like with him. 

Are you sure you 'love him'? Seems to me, since the beginning you took the role of 'saving, consoling & nurturing him'. I fail to see what he offers you as he's been emotionally struggling since you've met him. I think you're attached to him yes, but love? How does he even generate this feeling in you when he's not 100% body, mind and heart with you?

I think you need to condemn that door between those 2 apartments, and you live your separate lives for a while. No more cooking together, no more using your laundry room. Let him fetch for himself, let him find his own solutions, set him 100% free and if you're meant to be he'll come back stronger. 

I don't believe in finding a broken man and standing by him. Imagine your mother or daughter getting attached to a broken man that's not divorced yet, that fears his ex, that's hot & cold, that's withdrawing intimicy.....You'd tell your mother/daughter hang on to that? I doubt it. 

[BaileyB]

Kindly, this whole post speaks of a woman who is over-invested in another relationship/divorce that is none of her business. 

33 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

He said that after 2 years of living in furnished apartments, now having a decent-sized apartment with his own furniture (he got half the furniture from their house) makes him feel like he's finally back on a liveable track, and for the first time in a long time has hope for the future.

The fact that he is enjoying his own space and his own furniture and the security of having control of his own destiny does not bode well for the future of your relationship. There is a reason why most people don’t jump from their marriage/divorce into another serious relationship. Those that do usually do so for a reason - they are not emotionally financially able to stand on their own. And, there is good reason why rebound relationships and second marriages fail at a high rate. 

33 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

I will say that he never said that he doesn't want to tell them, only that he wants them to make up their own minds about the new living situation before sharing this info with them.

Indeed, let’s deceive them and allow them to form relationship and then tell them the truth - that we had an agenda and we were deceiving them along along… Kids are not stupid, they are not likely to appreciate being mislead in this way. 

Edited September 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

I addressed is him not only not wanting to sleep in my bed when I have the kids, but him essentially not really wanting to hang out in my space anymore. I just pointed out that I feel there might be a correlation there. He said for the first time in a long time has hope for the future. So being in his own space gives him a sense of security and control, and sleeping in my space is probably a reminder of how difficult his living situation was beforeive.

Exactly. He is renting his own apartment from you and Does not want to be and never agreed to be a live-in BF. He is not "a taking advantage of you" whatsoever.

You even threw people out to and gave him a bargain rate lure him in.  He does not want what you want.

He rented an apt to ground himself while in the throes of a divorce and a custody battle and have a reasonable dwelling so the courts would allow him to have his children more. Prior to this he did not have a stable living situation so the courts decided the mother was a better option for the children. 

 Please understand he is trying to stabilize his life not build a relationship with you in the way you wish and hope. Unfortunately he owes you nothing but rent.

[glows]

11 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

He shows me all his communications with the ex. They are definitely not getting back together. And I really don't think that there is someone else. 

I agree with you though that it does seem that there is something else going on that is closely related to him moving in. And the way he's suddenly asserting "boundaries" is strange.

We actually had a bit of a difficult discussion last night about this. I told him I'm not gonna wait 6 months to talk about it. If he wants to wait 6 months to reassess the situation, that's not the same as not talking about it. And something he said made me pause. One of the things that I addressed is him not only not wanting to sleep in my bed when I have the kids, but him essentially not really wanting to hang out in my space anymore. I just pointed out that I feel there might be a correlation there. He said that after 2 years of living in furnished apartments, now having a decent-sized apartment with his own furniture (he got half the furniture from their house) makes him feel like he's finally back on a liveable track, and for the first time in a long time has hope for the future. So being in his own space gives him a sense of security and control, and sleeping in my space is probably a reminder of how difficult his living situation was before (and super cramped when he had the kids). 

I know a lot of people mentioned that he is manipulating me, and lying to me. I really don't think that's the case. I know what someone like that is like (that was my ex), and I know he's not it. I do think that he's overwhelmed with many things, disoriented and confused at times. And yes, as many of you point out, perhaps he is confused and suddenly unsure about our relationship. That has certainly crossed my mind as he does appear to pull away. The confusing part of the pulling away is that there's a lot of hot and cold happening, the hot usually when no kids are around, and the cold when kids are here. He seems conflicted about things. @Acacia98 And yes you are right, the repercussions of separation, whether married or not, are many and can be lenghty and complicated if the two parents can't agree and cooperate. This is even more true when children are involved. It is therefore true that a lot of our issues stem from the fact that he's going through a messy divorce. His unease with telling his kids that we are a couple (as many of you addressed this) is one of them. @BaileyB yes you are correct, the ex (and the children) surely know. He has told the ex that he's in a relationship with someone (he put that in his last affidavit actually), but didn't give her my name. And she doesn't know that I live downstairs. They are not really on talking terms to be honest, and haven't had a face to face conversation since their separation. He has been trying to push that thinking it would help with conflict resolution, but her reply every time was "I'm not ready to see you in person". So, they only communicate through and app, and she has specifically asked him to keep conversations exclusively to topics around kids schedule, drop offs/picks ups, school and appointments. A few months ago, he sent her a message explaining that his mom got covid and wouldn't be able to bring their kid to swimming (that he would go instead) and she replied that next time to not communicate details about his family and just tell her that there's been a change of schedule. I see how communicated to her about his new partner and living situation might be difficult. She knows but doesn't want to hear the words from him. On top of that, he has this worry - that to me seems quite irrational to be honest - that there will be some severe repercussions if he tells her about me and the living situation. We've discussed this at length, and looked up everything. There really isn't much she could do. It wouldn't affect the financial or legal situation, and she can't really say that I can't be in the kids' lives. She could try to make a claim that I'm a negative or toxic influence on them, or that I abuse the kids. Although she wouldn't be able to prove that, and I'm not sure anyone would believe her. Another concern of his, this one perhaps more realistic, is that she will make the living situation a major topic in the court proceedings, therefore either taking time away from discussing more important issues, or prolonging trial time, adding significant cost. 

As for not telling the kids, I think that his main worry is backlash from the ex. She seems to make his life especially difficult whenever there's new info she dislikes. I understand his concern, but this does put us all in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, I agree. I will say that he never said that he doesn't want to tell them, only that he wants them to make up their own minds about the new living situation before sharing this info with them (he's afraid that the ex will try to negatively influence their experience if she's upset about the new arrangment). That being said, I do agree with many of your comments on this, and have actually brought this up again last night during our discussion (as something for him to think about, and discuss when he's given it more thought). 

@S2B The separation was complicated. They had been having issues for many years before the final separation. In that sense, I wouldn't say that one or the other really wanted the separation. I think neither one of them wanted things to end like that, but after years of marital difficulties, the situation wasn't tenable anymore. When the pandemic hit, everyone being stuck at him together was the final straw, and he walked away. He moved out in fact, and she retaliated by denying him access to the kids, hence the custody battle. He didn't see his kids for months after the separation, and only got some access back after an emergency court motion intervened. In that sense, I understand his sometimes irrational behaviour when it comes to the ex. He is terrified of what she might, is willing or can do. She is clearly a smart woman and has figured out how to use the system to her advantage. She seems to be spending most of her spare time researching ways to win this case. He is scared of her, which makes him behave in ways sometimes that don't entirely make sense unfortunately.

All that being said, I do love him, and I'm pretty sure that he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what is going on in his head right now, but I would like to find a way forward, a way to save this relationship. I feel that if we can make it through these tough times (his legal battle has intensidied since they embarked on the trial route, adding additional pressure on our relationship), we have all the tools to build a happy and lasting relationship. Perhaps I am naive.

It’s his fear that governs him unfortunately.. And you’re deeply emotionally invested, wanting to believe him including all his fears. The bottomline is that he’s consumed by fear, paranoia and massive unease and it’s eating into all other aspects of life. You see it yourself and are still hanging on to your detriment. 

I’m impressed that his ex has the wherewithal to stand her boundaries and enforce them. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect the man to change when his situation hasn’t. It’s the same issues repeating itself week after week and month after month. I think you have a lot of empathy for his situation but it’s damaging to you. You’re not seeing he’s not available at all to date the same way you are and seem to want to help him more than seek an equal or someone closer to the phase you are at in your coparenting and ability to give in a relationship. 

It’s hard when you’re in it but do it anyway. Are you able to take your mind out of it for a moment and envision a healthier state of mind without all this weighing on you? It may mean all the difference and opening yourself up to newer opportunities to date someone else without these problems. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

On 9/30/2022 at 8:32 AM, Classicfiction said:

There is something that he is expecting to happen within or by the end of that 6 month time frame that has nothing to do with an improvement in sleep quality.  I'm sorry, but you know in your gut already that the guy is backing away from you.

There could very well be talk of reconciliation between him and the ex that you aren't aware of and that he is keeping from you due to a fear of being evicted and not having things completely sorted out with her yet.  If not the ex, then its someone or something else that is pulling him away from the relationship with you.

I agree with this.  It doesn't make sense that his wife wants him back but refuses to even speak to him about anything other than the kids.  It just doesn't work that way.  I wouldn't be surprised if he lied about the way they broke up.   She may have put him out and he has been trying to get back for this entire time.  Maybe he's giving it 6 more months to see if she let's him come home.  Maybe that too is why he doesn't want the kids to know who OP is so he has them refer to her as "Auntie".  

Also even if he now has his own place and is surrounded by his own things, why wouldn't he want the company of his gf there to enjoy it with him?

[Classicfiction]

23 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

He shows me all his communications with the ex. They are definitely not getting back together. And I really don't think that there is someone else. 

I agree with you though that it does seem that there is something else going on that is closely related to him moving in. And the way he's suddenly asserting "boundaries" is strange.

We actually had a bit of a difficult discussion last night about this. I told him I'm not gonna wait 6 months to talk about it. If he wants to wait 6 months to reassess the situation, that's not the same as not talking about it. And something he said made me pause. One of the things that I addressed is him not only not wanting to sleep in my bed when I have the kids, but him essentially not really wanting to hang out in my space anymore. I just pointed out that I feel there might be a correlation there. He said that after 2 years of living in furnished apartments, now having a decent-sized apartment with his own furniture (he got half the furniture from their house) makes him feel like he's finally back on a liveable track, and for the first time in a long time has hope for the future. So being in his own space gives him a sense of security and control, and sleeping in my space is probably a reminder of how difficult his living situation was before (and super cramped when he had the kids). 

I know a lot of people mentioned that he is manipulating me, and lying to me. I really don't think that's the case. I know what someone like that is like (that was my ex), and I know he's not it. I do think that he's overwhelmed with many things, disoriented and confused at times. And yes, as many of you point out, perhaps he is confused and suddenly unsure about our relationship. That has certainly crossed my mind as he does appear to pull away. The confusing part of the pulling away is that there's a lot of hot and cold happening, the hot usually when no kids are around, and the cold when kids are here. He seems conflicted about things. @Acacia98 And yes you are right, the repercussions of separation, whether married or not, are many and can be lenghty and complicated if the two parents can't agree and cooperate. This is even more true when children are involved. It is therefore true that a lot of our issues stem from the fact that he's going through a messy divorce. His unease with telling his kids that we are a couple (as many of you addressed this) is one of them. @BaileyB yes you are correct, the ex (and the children) surely know. He has told the ex that he's in a relationship with someone (he put that in his last affidavit actually), but didn't give her my name. And she doesn't know that I live downstairs. They are not really on talking terms to be honest, and haven't had a face to face conversation since their separation. He has been trying to push that thinking it would help with conflict resolution, but her reply every time was "I'm not ready to see you in person". So, they only communicate through and app, and she has specifically asked him to keep conversations exclusively to topics around kids schedule, drop offs/picks ups, school and appointments. A few months ago, he sent her a message explaining that his mom got covid and wouldn't be able to bring their kid to swimming (that he would go instead) and she replied that next time to not communicate details about his family and just tell her that there's been a change of schedule. I see how communicated to her about his new partner and living situation might be difficult. She knows but doesn't want to hear the words from him. On top of that, he has this worry - that to me seems quite irrational to be honest - that there will be some severe repercussions if he tells her about me and the living situation. We've discussed this at length, and looked up everything. There really isn't much she could do. It wouldn't affect the financial or legal situation, and she can't really say that I can't be in the kids' lives. She could try to make a claim that I'm a negative or toxic influence on them, or that I abuse the kids. Although she wouldn't be able to prove that, and I'm not sure anyone would believe her. Another concern of his, this one perhaps more realistic, is that she will make the living situation a major topic in the court proceedings, therefore either taking time away from discussing more important issues, or prolonging trial time, adding significant cost. 

As for not telling the kids, I think that his main worry is backlash from the ex. She seems to make his life especially difficult whenever there's new info she dislikes. I understand his concern, but this does put us all in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, I agree. I will say that he never said that he doesn't want to tell them, only that he wants them to make up their own minds about the new living situation before sharing this info with them (he's afraid that the ex will try to negatively influence their experience if she's upset about the new arrangment). That being said, I do agree with many of your comments on this, and have actually brought this up again last night during our discussion (as something for him to think about, and discuss when he's given it more thought). 

@S2B The separation was complicated. They had been having issues for many years before the final separation. In that sense, I wouldn't say that one or the other really wanted the separation. I think neither one of them wanted things to end like that, but after years of marital difficulties, the situation wasn't tenable anymore. When the pandemic hit, everyone being stuck at him together was the final straw, and he walked away. He moved out in fact, and she retaliated by denying him access to the kids, hence the custody battle. He didn't see his kids for months after the separation, and only got some access back after an emergency court motion intervened. In that sense, I understand his sometimes irrational behaviour when it comes to the ex. He is terrified of what she might, is willing or can do. She is clearly a smart woman and has figured out how to use the system to her advantage. She seems to be spending most of her spare time researching ways to win this case. He is scared of her, which makes him behave in ways sometimes that don't entirely make sense unfortunately.

All that being said, I do love him, and I'm pretty sure that he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what is going on in his head right now, but I would like to find a way forward, a way to save this relationship. I feel that if we can make it through these tough times (his legal battle has intensidied since they embarked on the trial route, adding additional pressure on our relationship), we have all the tools to build a happy and lasting relationship. Perhaps I am naive.

Girl, I feel you.  I really understand how that feels to have emotional investment that feels like love toward a man who is keeping himself at a distance.  You may have something in your past that makes you vulnerable to this type of unequal relationship.  A lot of the regulars here have a pretty good grasp of human nature, I have found.. and it is very hard to see clearly when you're in the situation and logic is clouded by emotion.

The thing is, he's pulling away.  That's just what it is.  Personally I've been struggling with a similar situation.  There is something that makes a vulnerable person chase and cling to another who once showed affection and then pulls away.  But clinging to a man who's not that into the relationship just doesn't yield positive results.  I'm someone who's done this enough times to know it doesn't work.  
 

It does suck that the children will be displaced by you kicking him out, but it sounds like your heart is very vulnerable to being hurt by this.  You need to protect your heart right now.  I would break up with this man at the very least.  Tell him kindly that he can have his space and get yourself busy with other activities so you can start to detach.  Who knows, maybe he'll realize what he's losing if you give him what he wants completely.  But I just don't see him having that kind of realization with the current setup.  Your best case scenario is more likely to happen if you yourself back away right now.

[Weezy1973]

22 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 I really understand how that feels to have emotional investment that feels like love toward a man who is keeping himself at a distance.  

Feels like love, but is actually attachment. Love means wanting the other person to be happy. Attachment is about what the other person can do for us, including how they make us feel. Generally, kids feel attachment towards their parents. Parents feel love towards their kids (in a healthy family). 
 

OP if you loved this man, you would be more than happy to give him space. He’s saying “I need to sleep on my own to be happy” and you’re saying “I don’t want you to be happy, I want you to sleep with me.”  The clinging to someone pulling away is attachment. You’re afraid of losing whatever it is he’s doing for you. 

[Ark430]

  Whatever he needs to do to get a good night's sleep has to come first. Sleep is important for the immune system. Lack of sleep has cumulative effects of feeling like s h i t during the day, constant need for cat naps, etc. 

There can be other ways to keep the intimacy like arranging sex time during the week while the kids are away.

[SM78]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We are both divorced and both have children. I'm separated 4 years, divorced 2, and he's separated 3 years and divorced 1. He moved into my apartment building with his kids about 10 months ago and that has been going really well. We have our kids on the same weekends (although the rest of our schedule is a bit different), and our kids have become best friends. We usually end up spending our entire weekends together and we are spending Christmas and New Year all together this year (with me extended family and friends).

Overall, the relationship is going well. We communicate well, and are able to overcome our difficulties and differences. I feel that he truly loves me, and I really love him too.

So far all good. However, whenever I bring up the topic of our future together, of moving the relationship forward he pulls away. I have pointed this out to him, and he says that he loves me, and wants to be with me, but needs more time to be ready for the next step. He says he'll get there, but that the divorce has taken a toll on him (he had a very nasty, lengthy and expensive custody battle with his ex that resolved only a few months ago in Court). From what he tells me, him and his ex wife were not compatible which caused a lot of conflict in their relationship. They met when they were very young, but she was from a very conservative and religious background and he grew up in a major urban center with very liberal parents. Over time those differences surfaced in their relationship and caused lots of issues as they were not seeing eye-to-eye on most things. He says that between the high conflict relationship and the custody battle, he has relationship trauma and needs me to slow down and be patient with him. He has repeated many times that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and that he feels we are very compatible. However, when I mention the possibility of buying a house all together sometime in the future (at least agreeing that we both want to do that sometime in the future), he seems to panic and says he needs more time and I need to be patient with him.

I believe him when he says that he loves me and wants to be with me long term, but wonder if he's ever going to be ready to make the next move. I don't need things to happen tomorrow, but I would like to know that our relationship is heading in that direction. I don't really care about marriage, but I do care about eventually fully sharing a life together. I understand that things are more complicated when kids from a previous marriage are involved, and that moving forward as a whole new family is a big step for everyone, and one that requires proper planning and readiness. I have no desire or intention of pushing him in the direction that I want this relationship to go. I don't think either one of us will be happy if I force him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in! I am a bit concerned though about his hesitation. Am I worrying over nothing? Am I over reacting?

 

[stillafool]

TBH I can't blame him for not wanting to move in or get married to anyone this soon after his divorce.  I know it took me about 5 years before I'd even consider anything like that.  I lloved my new freedom after a hectic divorce and I wasn't about to jump into anything too fast.  The fact that he's made you his gf and telling you he loves you is a big step.  Why are you in a hurry to move forward?

[smackie9]

He's happy just they way things are, and he wants his space to breath, just settling in a new life. Sorry he may love you and everything but he's not thinking that far ahead...not what he wants for awhile, maybe not with you, maybe years down the road. relationships are a crap shoot, so the decision will be on you to keep investing/take the chance. 

[SM78]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

TBH I can't blame him for not wanting to move in or get married to anyone this soon after his divorce.  I know it took me about 5 years before I'd even consider anything like that.  I lloved my new freedom after a hectic divorce and I wasn't about to jump into anything too fast.  The fact that he's made you his gf and telling you he loves you is a big step.  Why are you in a hurry to move forward?

I'm not in a hurry to move forward. I just want to know that we will move forward eventually, and by that I don't mean when all the kids are grown up in 13 years. Also, my current living situation is getting tight. I had made the choice of a 2-bedroom apartment with two kids when I first separated, but my kids are getting way too old to share a bedroom, and we overall are lacking space since years. It was only supposed to be temporary, and before I met my BF, I was actually house shopping and wanted to buy a 3-bedroom house in the neighbourhood. Then when I met him, I decided to wait and see where things will go, and not rush into buying a house that I might want to sell again in a few years. I guess I feel like I've put my life on hold for him. I do realize that he has never asked me to do that, and that he has no obligation to meet my expectations.

[stillafool]

It's not a good idea to put your life on hold for any man.  He hasn't given you a time or date as to when or if he will marry you or buy a home with you.  Therefore you should move forward with buying your home.  His reaction to this should give you an idea as to where his head is at.  Just take care of you and the kids until he puts a ring on your finger.

Edited December 16, 2022 by stillafool

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, SM78 said:

, I was actually house shopping and wanted to buy a 3-bedroom house in the neighbourhood. Then when I met him, I decided to wait and see where things will go, and not rush into buying a house that I might want to sell again in a few years. I guess I feel like I've put my life on hold for him. I do realize that he has never asked me to do that, and that he has no obligation to meet my expectations.

You should get back into looking for a house and not wait on him. If in 2 years he wants to move in, or buy a different house with you, then you'll cross that bridge. Meanwhile, give yourself and your children a comfortable life. 

Has he dated other women before meeting you?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SM78 said:

, I was actually house shopping and wanted to buy a 3-bedroom house in the neighbourhood. 

It seems to be going well. He's much too soon out of a divorce to consider living together.

You can buy a house anytime you wish, but he's not the rate limiting factor. Keep in mind trying to fast forward things this much could backfire. 

Try to focus more on building your relationship and not joint real estate deals.

 

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, SM78 said:

. It was only supposed to be temporary, and before I met my BF, I was actually house shopping and wanted to buy a 3-bedroom house in the neighbourhood. Then when I met him, I decided to wait and see where things will go, and not rush into buying a house that I might want to sell again in a few years.

I'm curious:  Why did you decide that he and his kids should move into your apartment building then?  Seems like that was a pretty huge move if you thought your living situation there was temporary.

[BaileyB]

Your story sounds remarkably similar to another poster who moved her boyfriend into the same home she owns, living on a separate floor of the home.

My advice to you is the same as the advice I have previously given - you are moving too quickly. He needs more time, it’s not healthy for an individual to jump from one serious relationship to the other (despite the fact that this is essentially what you have both done).

Buy the home and take care of your children. The rest will work itself out with time.

Edited December 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I'm divorced and never want to live with anyone, much less get married again.  I bought a house two years into my current relationship (of a little over 3 years).  I very much love my guy and would love for us to spend the rest of our lives together.  But not living together, not married.  

I think you should do what you need to do for your and your children's best interest, including buying a house if that's the right thing.  You will have to decide if you are ok staying with him, but not necessarily married or even living together, at least for a while.  Bringing up the subject over and over again will cause problems, and most likely make him even less willing to think about making long term plans.  Believe what he's telling you about how he feels, don't try to reason him out of how he sees things.  It won't work and will only cause resentment.  

I understand your desire to know right now, but unfortunately he's not able to give you that.