Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[MomInHer40s]

25 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I'm confused, in your opening post you said "He said I'm welcome to sleep upstairs with him, but that he's not getting good sleep with my kids going to the bathroom at night". Do your kids only go to the bathroom at 7.30am?

What time does his work start and end?

My daughter usually goes to the bathroom once at night. So do I actually so if that were the main issue, then me going to the bathroom should also be an issue. I see how everyone getting up before he does can be an issue, but the bathroom at night I think is a dumb excuse.

He makes his own schedule and often starts at 10 am and then works late in the evening when he doesn't have the kids. This schedule to be honest is not my preference either since him working late on our few days to ourselves is not great.

[Calmandfocused]

Haven’t read the replies so apologies for any repeat. 
 

You’re entitled to feel how you feel. But to answer your question; yes I do believe you are overreacting. 
 

You have to remember that you do not live together. You may live in the same building but you do not share the same living space. Both of you are entitled to make your own decisions about how you live your own lives, in your own space. 
 

Its also not his job to ease your anxieties about sleeping alone. He has his own health and children to think about, like you do yours. 
 

Lack of sex does not correlate with sharing the same bed. If you are not having sex there is a reason why and this reason is not related to your sleeping arrangements. 
 

Relationships where there are children involved complicates matters significantly. However I agree with you; do not leave your children to sleep alone! They are too young and they need you. 
 

You do your thing for you in the best interest for you and your family,  and let him do his. 

 

[Acacia98]

On 9/26/2022 at 10:46 PM, MomInHer40s said:

What makes you think that he didn't give himself time and space after his mariage ended? He was living alone and rebuilding his life for over a year, and decided that we wasn't ready right away for the next long term relationship. 

But his marriage is not over. It won't be over until he divorces and the custodial issue is settled. And it's obvious that the fallout from the conflict in this still-not-over marriage is affecting his capacity for emotional intimacy with you.

He is literally distancing himself from you not very long after moving in. And his saying you'll talk about a contentious subject after 6 months is not the response of someone who is in an emotionally healthy place. 

He really should have waited until the divorce was over before he decided he was ready to get into a serious relationship.

[Els]

2 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

but the bathroom at night I think is a dumb excuse.

Over and over and over again you have shown us how dismissive you are towards his concerns. A "dumb excuse", really? And you wonder why he made a unilateral decision for his own health? What else was he supposed to do, when you keep dismissing his sleep problems in that way?

I give up. You very clearly want a partner who will sleep when and where and how you choose... and also set his work schedule the way you want. He isn't that person. End of story.

Frankly, most people (even people who don't suffer from sleep disorders) are going to chafe at that. It perplexes me how you are laser-focused on this but ignoring all the actual red flags, like the fact that he is still married. It's like complaining that your steak was done medium instead of medium rare, when there's a huge maggot in it.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

A "dumb excuse", really? And you wonder why he made a unilateral decision for his own health? What else was he supposed to do, when you keep dismissing his sleep problems in that way?

Agree. And. it's important to remember that he is your tenant and legally has the right to peaceful enjoyment of his premises. You are trying to parlay this arrangement into a blended family household  but clearly he wants and Pays For separate quarters. Try to watch your step with manipulation about your insomnia, his work hours, etc. You need to respect him and his rights as a tenant. He is not a live-in BF, he did not agree to that.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

It perplexes me how you are laser-focused on this but ignoring all the actual red flags, like the fact that he is still married.

If I may, it’s because she is primarily concerned with getting her own needs met in the relationship. Thus, the insistence that he sleep in her bed on the nights when he does not have his children despite the fact that he has asked for space. 

The fact that he is still married is his problem to solve. She is focused on her own need to bring this together…

 

[stillafool]

On 9/27/2022 at 10:15 AM, MomInHer40s said:

Stillafool said:

So are you saying if you break up and he meets another woman he wants to date, even though he is paying you rent he has agreed to move out of his upstairs apartment before bring her there?

He's not an a**h*** so he would never do that. 

This wouldn't make him an a**h*** since he's a paying Tenant and has a right to invite whomever he pleases into his apartment.  I was asking you, will you be able to handle it?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

My daughter usually goes to the bathroom once at night. So do I actually so if that were the main issue, then me going to the bathroom should also be an issue.

This is why I don't think it's really about his sleep.  I think he's just pulling away from you.  You said yourself since he's moved in that apartment you haven't had sex and he's used every excuse he can find to not stay down there.  I honestly think Wiseman was right that the 6 month period gives him enough time to find another place to live.

On 9/23/2022 at 5:46 PM, MomInHer40s said:

29 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Over and over and over again you have shown us how dismissive you are towards his concerns.

 Now, I'm back to insomnia, and the forth and back I find hard. I have had issues with insomnia as well (since a child) and I can't handle the lack of consistency. He's getting better sleep, but I've been sleeping worse! And that on top of no sex, a lack of connection, etc has really been challenging for me. 

I asked him to meet me half way and sleep with me half the time. He refused

So now you are jealous because he gets to sleep but you don't.  Notice the lack of sex isn't bothering him.  Yes you are laser focused on what's best for you, but I don't see this playing out the way you want it to.  

[MomInHer40s]

I will try to address all comments here. 

1) I am not laser focused on anything. I love him and clearly don't want him to suffer by not getting sufficient sleep. So, I do not have any intention on forcing a situation upon him that makes him unhappy. 

2) His explanation for why he needs to sleep in his own bed on days I have the kids keep changing and are not really that clear. Hence my comment on thinking the bathroom thing is not a proper excuse. I feel that there is something else going on, not something that makes him want to move out or break up or date someone else as @stillafooland @Wiseman2have suggested, but an overwhelm of some sort that he is not communicated clearly to me. Instead, he is pulling away a little bit without proper explanation, and it's hurtful.

3) @Wiseman2He is clearly not really a tenant. We don't even have a lease! And we do have a blended family when all our kids are over. I have my office during the week in one of his kid's bedroom, and he mostly uses my kitchen and does all his laundry in my unit. To treat this as a landlord-tenant situation would be ridiculous. 

4) @stillafool I never said that we don't have sex anyomre. We do, except only on days that neither one of us has the kids, which is 3 days one week, and one day the other week. Previously, we had sex almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, so this is an abrupt change that is quite an adjustment. 

5) @stillafoolif he wants to break up, insists on continuing to live in my unit and have women over for sex, that is his right to do so, and I would certainly not stop him if that's his choice. That being said, I know that would never happen so this is useless speculation in my opinion.

6) My main concern in all this is honestly just how this will affect our relationship long term. It's not like we broke up, and are no longer talking, spending time together or having sex. But the time we are spending together is now significantly diminshed, as is the frequency at which we are having sex. If it were only about sleep, then that's one thing. But this is more than just about sleep; it's about our whole relationship having taking a few steps back and now having a shedule that looks more like the schedule we had after 6 months of dating than the one we had after a year of dating. This is concerning and confusing to me. I am concerned that this will lead to us loosing the connection we had, and eventually drifting apart. 

7) In terms of him being divorced or not, I respect everyone else's opinions on whether people should wait to have the divorce paper in hand or not before starting to date. For me, as I stated before, that's not something that I care about or feel makes a difference outside of perhaps being able to own a house together.

[stillafool]

On 9/26/2022 at 4:04 PM, MomInHer40s said:

And yes, we talked about different parenting style. We agree that my parenting style makes for happier kids but more rambunctious ones which can definitely be a pain in the ass and get them in trouble. His kids, in return, are very well-behaved but don't quite have that spark that mine do. He acknowledges that. 

Is this your attempt to put down his kids mother?  There's something really wonderful about well-behaved kids.  It means they are being raised properly.

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

4) @stillafool I never said that we don't have sex anyomre. We do, except only on days that neither one of us has the kids, which is 3 days one week, and one day the other week. Previously, we had sex almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, so this is an abrupt change that is quite an adjustment. 

 

On 9/23/2022 at 5:14 PM, MomInHer40s said:

We haven't had sex a single time since he decided this, and I feel that we have been fighting more, clearly getting out of touch with one another. He says that it's all in my head and everything is fine. 

 

On 9/23/2022 at 5:46 PM, MomInHer40s said:

 He's getting better sleep, but I've been sleeping worse! And that on top of no sex, a lack of connection, etc has really been challenging for me. 

I asked him to meet me half way and sleep with me half the time. He refused

 

[MomInHer40s]

@stillafoolThat was the case on Friday after 4 days of sleeping in separate beds due to new schedule. We both had kids till Sunday night and did have sex on the days we haven't had the kids. Obviously, this situation isn't stuck in the moment I first posted this last week. Things have progressed since then, and we have had numerous conversations about this as well. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

but an overwhelm of some sort that he is not communicated clearly to me. Instead, he is pulling away a little bit without proper explanation, and it's hurtful.

He is clearly not really a tenant. We don't even have a lease! And we do have a blended family when all our kids are over. To treat this as a landlord-tenant situation would be ridiculous. 

The moment money is exchanged for living space he is legally a tenant. A lease does not matter, it just makes the tenancy month-to-month. Which is good for him because he can move out with 30 days notice rather than be stuck in a lease. And yes he is pulling away from your blended family a idea.

[MomInHer40s]

@Wiseman2Well, I guess it depends how you see things. If there were no two apartments and he moved in and we just shared the house, he would still technically be my "tenant". I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just move out and leave me hanging, no matter the situation of our relationship. If he decided that it was not working and chose to move out, he would do so in a respectful manner that wouldn't involve me being stuck with an empty apartment and struggling financially. He would just never do that.

That being said, if we did break up, he would most likely move out within a few months period, once he found something else, and once I found new tenants.

In terms of blended family, if everything else in our relationship fails, that will probably be a reason for him to hesitate. Our kids get along really really well, and I can see how much he loves that. He loves it not only because his kids are happy with their new living situation, but because them being happy with their new living situation makes them enjoy the time they spend at his place more, and therefore want to spend more time with him. 

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

@stillafoolThat was the case on Friday after 4 days of sleeping in separate beds due to new schedule. We both had kids till Sunday night and did have sex on the days we haven't had the kids. Obviously, this situation isn't stuck in the moment I first posted this last week. Things have progressed since then, and we have had numerous conversations about this as well. 

Werll if it was only 4 days why were you complaining about it?  You can't go 4 days without sex?

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

Our kids get along really really well, and I can see how much he loves that. He loves it not only because his kids are happy with their new living situation, but because them being happy with their new living situation makes them enjoy the time they spend at his place more, and therefore want to spend more time with him. 

Why don't you sleep in the bed with him when his kids are present if you allow him to sleep in the bed with you when yours are present?  Don't they know you guys are a couple?

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

Well, I guess it depends how you see things.

I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just move out and leave me hanging, no matter the situation of our relationship. If he decided that it was not working and chose to move out, he would do so in a respectful manner that wouldn't involve me being stuck with an empty apartment and struggling financially. He would just never do that.

That being said, if we did break up, he would most likely move out within a few months period, once he found something else, and once I found new tenants.

In terms of blended family, if everything else in our relationship fails, that will probably be a reason for him to hesitate. Our kids get along really really well, and I can see how much he loves that. He loves it not only because his kids are happy with their new living situation, but because them being happy with their new living situation makes them enjoy the time they spend at his place more, and therefore want to spend more time with him. 

It definitely depends on how you see it. 

I see a lot of projection here. It makes me very nervous for the future - particularly because there are children involved. 

As was stated above, you would be wise to focus on your own life and the needs of your children. Let him get his divorce, and do not take any more steps to bring this together unless and until that happens. 
 

[NuevoYorko]

One thing that might be going on with the guy is that he has his kids on some kind of schedule, and you have your kids on your own schedule.  I think the guy is stressed out.  When he doesn't have his own kids, he might not want to have to deal with YOUR kids. Even if it just means they wake him up to go to the bathroom once per night.   It can be kid-free time.  

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

6) My main concern in all this is honestly just how this will affect our relationship long term.

Relationships don’t always move in a straight line. I think if this is your main concern, taking him up on his proposal to try it for six months and reassess is a good one. The relationship isn’t going to fail because of new sleeping arrangements. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

@Wiseman2, he would most likely move out within a few months period, once he found something else, and once I found new tenants.. 

Ok. So he'll give you more notice to find new tenants and that's good. For now he'd rather sleep in the apartment than in your house. A blended family is not kids that play well together.

He's legally married and only agreed to take the apartment because he doesn't want his wife to think he's living with someone. Which he's not. He's renting an apartment.

[introverted1]

OP, what was the agreement when he moved in? Frankly, I am struggling to understand what was intended with this living-together-but-not-really-living-together arrangement.  You have neither the commitment of a blended family nor the freedom of separate households.  Was this a financial arrangement designed to help him more easily bear the brunt of the child support he's paying?  What was the reason for this hybrid arrangement and how long was it intended to last?

I asked earlier why he doesn't tell his wife that he would relinquish any claims to CS if she would agree to allowing him to have the children 40% (or more) of the time and allow the divorce to be finalised.  Is he pursuing this?

From what you write, this man has a lot going on in his life right now: a wife he is still entangled with, a custody dispute that I think you said would continue until the fall (it's fall now, so do you mean fall of 2023?), an erratic work schedule, managing a new relationship, and - now -  sleep problems. I give him credit for trying to keep all those plates spinning.  If it was me, my head would be spinning.

My opinion is that you should step waaaay back and let him get himself sorted.  Take care of your kids, focus on your career, pick up a new hobby.  Do whatever it takes to feel ok about removing the pressure from him.  Nothing good will come of you poking at his reasons for wanting to sleep alone or suggesting that he change his schedule. I'd also recommend that you create a lease so that you are both protected in the event things go south.  I don't know what happens in Canada but, in the US, it is very hard to evict someone if you don't have a lease in place (and sometimes even if you do).

[MomInHer40s]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

OP, what was the agreement when he moved in? Frankly, I am struggling to understand what was intended with this living-together-but-not-really-living-together arrangement.  You have neither the commitment of a blended family nor the freedom of separate households.  Was this a financial arrangement designed to help him more easily bear the brunt of the child support he's paying?  What was the reason for this hybrid arrangement and how long was it intended to last?

He moved in because we had a desire to move in together. The situation with the two apartments seemed ideal since this would provide an opportunity for the kids to slowly get used to each other without being forced into a blended family situation right away. Also, with his situation with the ex still needing to be finalized, we didn't want to be in a common law situation right away. The idea was to give in a year or so he would have his custody situation settled, kids will be used to each other and then we would convert the house back to a single family home. In terms of finances, it's not helping him (or me) in any way. He had a much smaller place before and is in fact now paying more. On my end, he's paying the same as previous tenants, so also no advantage there. 

I asked earlier why he doesn't tell his wife that he would relinquish any claims to CS if she would agree to allowing him to have the children 40% (or more) of the time and allow the divorce to be finalised.  Is he pursuing this?

He did tell her that he doesn't care about getting money from her, he just wants shared custody. He told her that right from the start when she was denying him access to the kids. She knows that even if he says that, it's not legally binding and he can change his mind at any time. If she gives him shared custody though, that will become the new status quo and she won't be able to go back to the previous under 40% access. So she's sticking to her guns!

From what you write, this man has a lot going on in his life right now: a wife he is still entangled with, a custody dispute that I think you said would continue until the fall (it's fall now, so do you mean fall of 2023?), an erratic work schedule, managing a new relationship, and - now -  sleep problems. I give him credit for trying to keep all those plates spinning.  If it was me, my head would be spinning.

Yes, fall 2023. 

 

 

 

[MomInHer40s]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why don't you sleep in the bed with him when his kids are present if you allow him to sleep in the bed with you when yours are present?  Don't they know you guys are a couple?

His kids don't know that we are a couple. We discussed this and think that for the time being it's best given his custody battle. No need to throw oil on the fire (with the ex). Also, he has better access to the kids now, but didn't have a lot of access for a long time. So his relationship with the kids needs rebuilding. He needs to focus on them when he has them. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

His kids don't know that we are a couple.

You seem to want to deny that his wife and kids know he's renting an apt. He is hiding you. You know this. However you stated it's a win-win situation for now since you need rental income. You are Not living as a couple. He is Not living in your home as a couple. He is not a live-in BF. .

He is in  an apt and visits you at his leisure. But as you mentioned, you need the money and he needed a place closer to his needs. So that's fine. The only reasons this hurts is because you two have different ideas about and expectations from this arrangement.

[MomInHer40s]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is in  an apt and visits you at his leisure. But as you mentioned, you need the money and he needed a place closer to his needs. So that's fine. The only reasons this hurts is because you two have different ideas about and expectations from this arrangement.

That is not correct. I had tenants before he moved in, and there was nothing wrong with them. I evicted my tenants (and paid them compensation) so that he could move in. I don't need him to live there at all. My apartment is really nice and very well located. If he moves out I could rent it for $300 more than he is paying.