Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[MomInHer40s]

14 minutes ago, Tullyseptember said:

Is he paying rent?  If so, put the breaks on the relationship until he has a reasonable conversation with you on a compromise.

If he isn't paying rent, he should be and don't compromise on the rent amount!!

Yes he is paying rent. And he's paying the same amount as the previous tenants. I gave it some thought before he moved in, and decided I wouldn't reduce the rent because the rent is only about 25% more than half the monthly house expenses. But it's an old house (from 1902) and there are constant repairs and improvements. I easily spent 10k per year for this. In that sense, his rent is covering the cost and charging him less would mean I would loose money. I'm not willing to do that. I have no desire to support him.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, MomInHer40s said:

So, when we met he started spending more and more time at my place finally in late the spring he would almost never sleep at his place anymore. He never said anything about the situation then. But the minute he moved in, he suddenly was looking for excuses to not sleep downstairs, until he finally said he wouldn't do it anymore. Our sex life was really great until that moment, and then just totally dried up the minute we stopped sleeping in the same bed. 

Read the above quoted, specifically the bolded.  What does that tell you? 

What it tells me is there is a direct correlation between him moving into yours and him not wanting to sleep with you and have sex with you.  

I mean isn't it obvious?

This isn't about the kids, it's an excuse because he doesn't have the balls to tell you the truth. 

Since moving in, the situation is too close for comfort, he feels pressured to live up to your expectations, boxed in, suffocated and turned OFF, sexually and perhaps even emotionally

I'm sorry OP, but this is done.

 

 

Edited September 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[MomInHer40s]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that you should sleep apart from your children - your seven and ten year old children. In Canada, children are not to be left alone under the age of 12 years old. To think, they would be alone at night. I was very frightened to stay alone at night when I was younger. My niece is 13 now and she waits up for her parents when they leave her alone in the evening. She can’t sleep when they are not home. I would have been the same. I can’t believe that you even entertained the idea and asked your children how they felt. If my partner suggested such a thing, it would probably be the end of the relationship. It shows such incredibly poor judgment, I can’t even imagine what he was thinking. 

I might not have explained the duplex situation properly. It used to be a townhouse that was converted into a duplex when me and my ex separated (he lived upstairs for a few years which gave us time to figure things out). So, it can be two apartments, but it's also just a townhouse with two kitchens. The entrance is shared, and the staircase to go to the second floor has a door at the top (it used to be open and I put a door there when we duplexed). So, in that sense, it's just one very large house on 4 floors. My bedrooms are in the basement, my boyfriend's bedroom is on the second floor and his kids' room on the third floor. In that sense, they wouldn't be alone in the house, just alone in the basement, reason why I agreed to ask them (although I knew they would say no). His kids are different. He's quite strict with his kids (not in a bad way) and mine a probably a bit spoiled.  His kids go to bed by themselves, even his 6 year old, while my 10-year old still wants me to sign him songs at night and cuddle to fall asleep. We're just a very close cuddly family, we're always hugging and kissing. His dynamic with his kids is very different. 

[MomInHer40s]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Read the bolded.  What does that tell you? 

What it tells me is there is a direct correlation between him moving into yours and him not wanting to sleep with you and have sex with you.  

I mean isn't it obvious?

This isn't about the kids, it's an excuse because he doesn't have the balls to tell you the truth. 

Since moving in, the situation is too close for comfort, he feels pressured to live up to your expectations, boxed in, suffocated and turned OFF, sexually and perhaps even emotionally

I'm sorry OP, but this is done.

 

 

Are you suggesting that I pushed him away? Boxed in? suffocated? Am I pushing him away by struggling with his boundaries?

[poppyfields]

Just now, MomInHer40s said:

Are you suggesting that I pushed him away? Boxed in? suffocated? Am I pushing him away by struggling with his boundaries?

Not necessarily.   He could have a fear of commitment and moving in, to him, represents commitment.

That fear is what's driving his lack of sexual desire.  

It's not you per se, not directly.  It's what you 'represent' -- commitment.

It's not uncommon, in fact among men who fear commitment, often times the turning point was when they either moved in with their girlfriends or got engaged or sometimes their fear didn't kick in until after marriage. 

But come on, the minute he moved in, he stopped wanting to be intimate with you?

Sleep in same bed?  Have sexual relations with you?

No it's not about the kids....

[MomInHer40s]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

But come on, the minute he moved in, he stopped wanting to be intimate with you?

Sleep in same bed?  Have sexual relations with you?

No it's not about the kids....

Well, not exactly the minute he moved in! He moved in about 6 weeks ago. The first few weeks were amazing! He couldn't stop talking about how great this was, how much sense this arrangment made, how much he loved the place and being so close to me all the time. And we had the best sex of our relationship in those first few weeks. Then there was an incident a few weeks ago where both kids somehow had insomnia the same night. Not sure why. This happens like once a year, and having slept with me in my bed close to the kids for over a year, there have been occasional disturbances, but nothing like that. My kids are overall very good sleepers. But it's after that incident that he said that he'd been thinking about it since months, and that my sleeping arrangment is affecting his sleep, and he needed to take care of his health by not sleeping there anymore. This somehow was accompanied by a subtle physical distance (less touching, kissing etc.), and eventually infrequent sex. 

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry to say but it's the beginning of the end. He did not have a problem with the children for an entire year and now it's an issue he doesn't even want to discuss and his solution is to cut down drastically on closeness &  intimicy,  It's an excuse, something else is going on. 

His suggestion you leave your young children alone for the night is mind blowing!! I'm shocked you even considered it. What he suggested was for you to 'abandon' your children. If a neighbor had complaint, or just your child mention at school they sleep alone at night, you would have been in huge trouble with child protection!

** When a man suggest you neglect your parental duty to accomodate him, it's time to kick him out. **

 

 

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

In that sense, they wouldn't be alone in the house, just alone in the basement, reason why I agreed to ask them (although I knew they would say no).

I’m sorry, not to belabour the point but… if you knew your children would say no, why even ask them? What message do you think that sent them? To me, it sends the message that your new boyfriend is more important to you than their security. You have already said that they are the kind of children who like to have you near for their comfort and security. Don’t you think that even the suggestion that you may consider sleeping upstairs, two floors away, would threaten their security? 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

** When a man suggest you neglect your parental duty to accomodate him, it's time to kick him out. **

Amen!

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

Well, not exactly the minute he moved in! He moved in about 6 weeks ago. The first few weeks were amazing! He couldn't stop talking about how great this was, how much sense this arrangment made, how much he loved the place and being so close to me all the time. And we had the best sex of our relationship in those first few weeks.

When I moved in with my partner, it was wonderful at first. So exciting to move in together and spend more time together… and then, the reality of how hard it was to blend the family became known. And the relationship changed. You have the added complication of being his landlord. And, you both have children. Complicated. Complicated. Complicated. 

[Gaeta]

55 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

His dynamic with his kids is very different. 

And by the sound of it he's transfering this dynamic on to you now. Minimum touch, minimum intimicy, taking away his protection. 

You should sleep close to your children. They need your proximity, you need to make them feel secure by your presence. Doesn't matter it's 2 apartments in 1 house. From his bedroom you would not hear if your children are sick, calling for you, getting up, etc.your youngest is only 7, she/he's still a baby. 

[Ami1uwant]

32 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

Well, not exactly the minute he moved in! He moved in about 6 weeks ago. The first few weeks were amazing! He couldn't stop talking about how great this was, how much sense this arrangment made, how much he loved the place and being so close to me all the time. And we had the best sex of our relationship in those first few weeks. Then there was an incident a few weeks ago where both kids somehow had insomnia the same night. Not sure why. This happens like once a year, and having slept with me in my bed close to the kids for over a year, there have been occasional disturbances, but nothing like that. My kids are overall very good sleepers. But it's after that incident that he said that he'd been thinking about it since months, and that my sleeping arrangment is affecting his sleep, and he needed to take care of his health by not sleeping there anymore. This somehow was accompanied by a subtle physical distance (less touching, kissing etc.), and eventually infrequent sex. 

It’s one thing to do something because you want to vs doing something because you have to.

 

judt because you slept fine does not mean he did. You might sleep through the kids using the bathroom…he doesn’t.

 

there might have been something else that occurred in things you said or you behaved that changed after these first few weeks that turned this for him ehere he wanted to pull away because it got to serious.

[Lattes4Days]

Personally I think you are being emotional and unreasonable, and if you're not careful, your behavior could end up pushing him away for good - then he DEFINITELY won't be sleeping in your bed. So get yourself together. Sorry for the blunt message, but it really upsets me when women let their emotions ruin their relationship. This man is clearly telling you that he ISNT ABLE TO SLEEP WELL. So he needs to make different arrangements. It doesn't matter if YOU think your kids are quiet, he doesn't. See how you're making this all about you? Its not a slight against you, but you're making it mean that by giving him so much push back and taking it personally. How are YOU helping this situation reach a compromise? You arent. 

Either your kids need to get used to you sleeping in the other part of the duplex for awhile or off and on, or....or that's it. Because he has told you that he cant sleep with the noise. He even invited you to his bed, which means its not YOU that he's trying to get away from. It means hes not lying. Poor dude just wants to sleep peacefully. Sleep is very, very important. 

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

So he was sleeping in your bed (with the kids there) before, but now that he's moved upstairs he will no longer sleep in your bed and blames it on the kids?  If this is correct it seems to me he's using that as an excuse not to have sex with you.  For most men it's a problem not getting sex and they would already be thinking of ways to make that happen.  This seems strange to me.

OP, I think that it is perfectly reasonable for someone who's having difficulty sleeping to try to find arrangements that work for him. If that was the only issue at play, I'd advice you to relax and be supportive of your man.

However, my instinct is to agree with stillafool's post above and with the other folks who think there's more to the picture than your guy's inability to sleep.

I think your guy is pulling away, and if that's the case, you should allow him to.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

. Now, I'm back to insomnia, and the forth and back I find hard. I have had issues with insomnia as well.

The best thing you can do, since you need his rental income and he needed a place to stay, is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the insomnia and other issues. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Since you're his landlady the most you can expect is rent money. He doesn't have to sleep in your bed when your children are there. Your insomnia is something a physician/therapist needs to deal with, not a tenant/ lover.

Keep in mind, as long as he pays rent, he has rights, including the right to privacy.

[Will am I]

This sounds like a negotiation. You tell him how you miss him when he’s not with you. He already shared his side of the story. 

You should be able to dind  a compromise thaf works for you both. 

If either of you can’t compromise, this i ls teally about power struggle.

[Els]

11 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

Well, the problem is that I have gotten used to sleeping with someone in my bed. It took me a long time after my separation (4 years ago) to be accustomed to sleeping alone. Then, when we started dating, it tooks me time to learn to sleep with someone again. In both instances, there was lots of insomnia. Now, I'm back to insomnia, and the forth and back I find hard. I have had issues with insomnia as well (since a child) and I can't handle the lack of consistency. He's getting better sleep, but I've been sleeping worse! And that on top of no sex, a lack of connection, etc has really been challenging for me. 

I asked him to meet me half way and sleep with me half the time. He refused

If what you need is consistency, how on earth is him sleeping with you half the time going to help?

Look, solutions for insomnia need to be things that you can do for yourself. It can't be something that you rely on someone else for. It's fine for you to say "I have insomnia, so I need 20 minutes of meditation, a quiet room, and a lavender-scented pillow to sleep", as long as you can provide all these things for yourself. It's NOT okay to say "I have insomnia, so I need my partner to massage me for 20 minutes and to cuddle me to sleep every night."  Because what are you going to do then when you are single, or your partner cannot sleep with you for whatever reason?

I agree that he shouldn't have asked you to sleep away from your children. FWIW, I have been sleeping alone since I was 5, and actually came to prefer it quite quickly. But I understand that everyone is different, and that you should be the one to decide what your children do or don't need. Don't let him dictate what you do with your kids. But on the other hand, if he was exhausted after a long period of poor sleep and you dismissed his concerns the way you did in this thread, I can see why he would say that purely out of frustration. Ditto with the lack of sex - if you're being so distraught and upset over this, surely you can see how you are sabotaging your own sex life? Nobody wants to have sex with a distraught person who can't respect the choices that they have to make for their own health.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Elswyth

[smackie9]

 IMO us speculating could be causing you more anxiety. The only way to get answers is honest communication him always. Have that conversation, and make a decision then in what to do next. It's really up to you. You know what is in your best interest.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But come on, the minute he moved in, he stopped wanting to be intimate with you?

Sleep in same bed?  Have sexual relations with you?

No it's not about the kids....

I'm sorry but I'm thinking the same thing OP.  Coupled with your other thread complaining that he wasn't spendng quality time and you guys were always talking about his ex and his divorce.  It sounded like he was trying to avoid sex then too.  Let me ask you are you the first woman he's dated since he split with his wife?  Are you sure he's even over his wife?  People carry a lot of anger during divorce because their frustrated it didn't work out.  You said something in your last thread about him trying to get together to talk to her but she wouldn't agree.  Why did he want to talk to her?

[MomInHer40s]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I can see from the variety of comments that I'm not crazy that this situation is quite complex. There are a lot of variables. 

 

As @BaileyBmentioned, it's a very complicated situation. Two divorces, lots of children not necessarily on the same parenting schedule, the duplex, me being his landlord (for now. I always made it clear that once his divorce is finalized we could talk about putting him on the title if he's willing to invest in the house as well), the custody battle, the fear that his ex will start making a big deal around our kids spending time together, etc. Even when everything is going really well between us, there are lots of external stressors. And his custody battle has taken a toll on our relationship as well - as they are preparing for Trial, they have a series of Court dates that require lots of preparation, create anxiety etc. And in between, his ex is consistently trying to sabotage his parenting time (for example, giving him false swim practice times so he wastes his morning driving forth a back with the kids, enrolling kids for activities on days that she knows he can't take them etc,.). It's all taking a toll on our relationship even under the best of circumstances, and I've noticed that we both don't have a lot of bandwith for conflict. I admit that I have been more emotional recently than I normally am, and that seems to apply to him as well. For example, our fights are getting more emotional, and it takes us longer to recover from them. We have actually talked about couple therapy, but right now with our schedules between kids and work, we only have 8 evenings together per month with no kids, and he expressed that he would prefer doing something on those days that is fun and light, and helps us build connection instead of spending more time discussing our issues. 

He proposed this morning that we try his proposed sleeping arrangment for 6 months and then reevaluate. He even proposed setting a date now for this reevaluation to happen. He wants me to give it an honest chance and be open to the possibility of it working out. And also proposed we don't discuss the new sleeping arrangement until our reevaluation date. That we can separately take notes about how it's going and how we feel about it in the interim, and that anything that still rings true in 6 months can then be brought up as a long term issue with the arrangement. I told him that I fear a loss of intimacy and connection; his take on it is that once we both get used to the situation, things should naturally rebalance. And if they don't, that should be brought up in 6 months as a major issue with the sleeping arrangment. I personally find 6 months a long time. If loss of intimacy and connection occurs for a 6-month period, things might get to the point that they are unsalvagable. He seems to disagree and doesn't think 6 months is such a long time. 

Thoughts?

[MomInHer40s]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry but I'm thinking the same thing OP.  Coupled with your other thread complaining that he wasn't spendng quality time and you guys were always talking about his ex and his divorce.  It sounded like he was trying to avoid sex then too.  Let me ask you are you the first woman he's dated since he split with his wife?  Are you sure he's even over his wife?  People carry a lot of anger during divorce because their frustrated it didn't work out.  You said something in your last thread about him trying to get together to talk to her but she wouldn't agree.  Why did he want to talk to her?

He wasn't trying to avoid sex in the past, quite the opposite! Our sex life has not been an issue until now.

I'm the first relationship that he's had since his separation, but he's been on lots of dates, and there were a couple of women he saw for a few weeks or months in a casual manner. He said he wasn't ready for a new relationship just after his separation but also felt that he needed to start working on moving on. So he started dating just to open himself up to future possibilities, and when we met he felt that he was ready for something more serious and he wanted that to be with me. 

He wanted to talk with her to solve some of their issues in person and not through lawyers. She's refusing to even go see a mediator, so everything will need to be settled through court. He feels that an honest conversation would be more productive. She is clearly not over him. That much is clear. I wouldn't be surprised that she secretly hopes he'll go crawling back. We've discussed it honestly, and he says that despite the conflicts in their final years, it was a great relationship but that he's over it.

[Ami1uwant]

7 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

Thank you everyone for your comments. I can see from the variety of comments that I'm not crazy that this situation is quite complex. There are a lot of variables. 

 

As @BaileyBmentioned, it's a very complicated situation. Two divorces, lots of children not necessarily on the same parenting schedule, the duplex, me being his landlord (for now. I always made it clear that once his divorce is finalized we could talk about putting him on the title if he's willing to invest in the house as well), the custody battle, the fear that his ex will start making a big deal around our kids spending time together, etc. Even when everything is going really well between us, there are lots of external stressors. And his custody battle has taken a toll on our relationship as well - as they are preparing for Trial, they have a series of Court dates that require lots of preparation, create anxiety etc. And in between, his ex is consistently trying to sabotage his parenting time (for example, giving him false swim practice times so he wastes his morning driving forth a back with the kids, enrolling kids for activities on days that she knows he can't take them etc,.). It's all taking a toll on our relationship even under the best of circumstances, and I've noticed that we both don't have a lot of bandwith for conflict. I admit that I have been more emotional recently than I normally am, and that seems to apply to him as well. For example, our fights are getting more emotional, and it takes us longer to recover from them. We have actually talked about couple therapy, but right now with our schedules between kids and work, we only have 8 evenings together per month with no kids, and he expressed that he would prefer doing something on those days that is fun and light, and helps us build connection instead of spending more time discussing our issues. 

He proposed this morning that we try his proposed sleeping arrangment for 6 months and then reevaluate. He even proposed setting a date now for this reevaluation to happen. He wants me to give it an honest chance and be open to the possibility of it working out. And also proposed we don't discuss the new sleeping arrangement until our reevaluation date. That we can separately take notes about how it's going and how we feel about it in the interim, and that anything that still rings true in 6 months can then be brought up as a long term issue with the arrangement. I told him that I fear a loss of intimacy and connection; his take on it is that once we both get used to the situation, things should naturally rebalance. And if they don't, that should be brought up in 6 months as a major issue with the sleeping arrangment. I personally find 6 months a long time. If loss of intimacy and connection occurs for a 6-month period, things might get to the point that they are unsalvagable. He seems to disagree and doesn't think 6 months is such a long time. 

Thoughts?

Why are you thinking you are losing intimacy?  I don’t get it?  You can still have sex?

how is this any different than if you lived 10 minutes apart?

 

his inability to sleep is REAL.  It’s affecting him at his job.

he has had stress going thru his divorce.  That seriously affects his ability to “ be in the mood”.  

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

He wasn't trying to avoid sex in the past, quite the opposite! Our sex life has not been an issue until now.

I'm the first relationship that he's had since his separation, but he's been on lots of dates, and there were a couple of women he saw for a few weeks or months in a casual manner. He said he wasn't ready for a new relationship just after his separation but also felt that he needed to start working on moving on. So he started dating just to open himself up to future possibilities, and when we met he felt that he was ready for something more serious and he wanted that to be with me. 

He wanted to talk with her to solve some of their issues in person and not through lawyers. She's refusing to even go see a mediator, so everything will need to be settled through court. He feels that an honest conversation would be more productive. She is clearly not over him. That much is clear. I wouldn't be surprised that she secretly hopes he'll go crawling back. We've discussed it honestly, and he says that despite the conflicts in their final years, it was a great relationship but that he's over it.

Why do  you think she’s not over him? She’s hoping he comes back?  

have you talked about why/ reason for this divorce.

 

have you ever talked about parenting style and your differences?

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

We have actually talked about couple therapy, but right now with our schedules between kids and work, he would prefer doing something on those days that is fun and light, and helps us build connection instead of spending more time discussing our issues. 

His take on it is that once we both get used to the situation, things should naturally rebalance. And if they don't, that should be brought up in 6 months

Conflict avoidant and not willing to communicate. Could that be because he is still in conflict with his ex-wife and the last thing he needs is to be going to couples therapy with his new girlfriend? Or maybe, this is who he really is…

28 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

me being his landlord (for now. I always made it clear that once his divorce is finalized we could talk about putting him on the title if he's willing to invest in the house as well

It is way too early for you to be considering such a thing. This relationship has not established itself as a stable, healthy long term relationship at this point. If ever you do consider this option, please protect yourself with a cohabitation agreement - you should almost have one now. Protect the assets you have worked to build, if not for yourself than for your children. Don’t put their home and their financial security at risk for a man. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

So he started dating just to open himself up to future possibilities, and when we met he felt that he was ready for something more serious and he wanted that to be with me

This really makes no sense.  How can a married man be looking for something more serious with another woman when he's still tied to another one.  Most healthy adults separate, divorce, heal and then go on to another relationship.  You're already talking about couples therapy and putting his name on the home title.  Have you thought about what will happen if you two break up, he's still your tenant upstairs and he starts dating and bringing another woman around?  Can you handle that as his Landlady?