Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[MomInHer40s]

My boyfriend recently moved into my building. I own a duplex and he's moved into the upper unit. We chose this setup because we both have kids, and wanted to have the possibility of separate spaces when we have the children, and live together when we don't.  Our schedules are not exactly aligned as I have my kids more than he does his. For the past year, he was sleeping with me in my bedroom on the days I had the kids and he didn't have hids. This was going pretty well and I was happy with the arrangment until a few days ago he tells me that he will not be sleeping with me in my bedroom anymore when I have my kids. He said I'm welcome to sleep upstairs with him, but that he's not getting good sleep with my kids going to the bathroom at night, and waking up early (although I find they're pretty quiet overall). 

I was pretty crushed by these news. I can't sleep upstairs with him as my kids would have anxiety alone downstairs (and he knows that). Not sleeping together on the days our schedules don't align means that one week out of two, we are only sleeping together one night per week. The other week we have 3 days. So a total of 8 days per month. I fear that we will loose our connection, especially as my love language is clearly physical touch. I've been having sleepless nights ridden with anxiety over the future of our relationship, and I feel like our connection has been affected. He says that I'm not giving the new arrangment a chance and that in that sense I'm setting it up for failure. That he is entitled to boundaries and that I'm not being reasonable. 

I think what hurts the most in all this is the way that he made that decision without it being a discussion. It was simply imposed on me without him checking in with me first on how I would feel about it, and stating the reasons for his desire to move to that arrangment.

Am I crazy to feel so distraugth?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

he's not getting good sleep with my kids going to the bathroom at night, and waking up early

That's fine. You're still close. If he feels uncomfortable for whatever reason when your children are there, it's better he sleep in his own quarters.

[MomInHer40s]

We are still close, but I feel this setup has had repercussions. We haven't had sex a single time since he decided this, and I feel that we have been fighting more, clearly getting out of touch with one another. He says that it's all in my head and everything is fine. 

[Els]

You write that you are concerned about connection. What "connection" exactly do you think will be brought about by forcing someone to endure multiple nights of no sleep and burgeoning resentment towards being woken up repeatedly by your children?

Lots of couples sleep in separate bedrooms for various reasons. It's not ideal but they make it work. It's a much better solution than one person being sleepless and miserable. You can have intimacy during other times, or if you really need it near bedtime you can cuddle with him upstairs and then go downstairs to sleep with your kids.

[Els]

Just now, MomInHer40s said:

We are still close, but I feel this setup has had repercussions. We haven't had sex a single time since he decided this, and I feel that we have been fighting more, clearly getting out of touch with one another. He says that it's all in my head and everything is fine. 

This is caused by you being distraught, anxious and upset over the sleeping arrangements, not by the sleeping arrangements. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

[MomInHer40s]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

This is caused by you being distraught, anxious and upset over the sleeping arrangements, not by the sleeping arrangements. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

To be honest, I am most distraught by how this was imposed on me without a discussion. I would never have done that to him. If I had trouble sleeping in his bed, I would have addressed the issue with him and asked him how he felt we could solve this issue together. I would never have imposed something on him like that, but instead included him in the brainstorming for solutions. If he had done that, and we came to the conclusion that it was best for now to sleep in separate rooms, it would have been less upsetting. 

[Els]

9 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

To be honest, I am most distraught by how this was imposed on me without a discussion. I would never have done that to him. If I had trouble sleeping in his bed, I would have addressed the issue with him and asked him how he felt we could solve this issue together. I would never have imposed something on him like that, but instead included him in the brainstorming for solutions. If he had done that, and we came to the conclusion that it was best for now to sleep in separate rooms, it would have been less upsetting. 

With all due respect, it is his health (and potentially his job) on the line, not yours. His body, his choice. Lack of sleep can have immense effects on a person's health, job performance, and life, and therefore it is his right to make unilateral decisions to regain that.

Also... if he HAD discussed this with you, what would you have suggested? From what I can see, you have already dismissed his complaints by saying that your children "aren't that noisy".

If you do have a good suggestion, have you proposed it to him?

[MomInHer40s]

Well, the problem is that I have gotten used to sleeping with someone in my bed. It took me a long time after my separation (4 years ago) to be accustomed to sleeping alone. Then, when we started dating, it tooks me time to learn to sleep with someone again. In both instances, there was lots of insomnia. Now, I'm back to insomnia, and the forth and back I find hard. I have had issues with insomnia as well (since a child) and I can't handle the lack of consistency. He's getting better sleep, but I've been sleeping worse! And that on top of no sex, a lack of connection, etc has really been challenging for me. 

I asked him to meet me half way and sleep with me half the time. He refused

[basil67]

May I ask how old your children are?   If they are early teens, can they be alone if you go shopping or while you work?   I'm just wondering if installing intercoms between the two apartments may relieve their anxiety.

If they aren't old enough to be left alone  yet, then it's not going to work

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

He said I'm welcome to sleep upstairs with him, but that he's not getting good sleep with my kids going to the bathroom at night, and waking up early (although I find they're pretty quiet overall). 

But what about when his kids are over?  Doesn't he experience the same thing?  In your last thread you said both your kids were under age 10.  Why can he tolerate his kids but not yours?  

Has his divorce been finalized yet?  You said he was stressed out by his ex in your last thread and you didn't feel you were getting enough quality time with him.  It sounds like nothing has changed?

Edited September 23, 2022 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

As someone who is in a relationship with a man who does not sleep well, I have great empathy for both of you. It’s hard, when you want to sleep together but it impacts the quality of your sleep. 

If you need consistency, this is a hard relationship for you because it’s not going to be like a nice nuclear family where the kids are down the hall and mom and dad sleep together. 

I don’t know what the solution is because the situation is very complicated (that’s why we all advised that you not move this man into your home - it was too soon and you have unrealistic expectations). And, you obviously can’t force the man to sleep with you.

I sense a lot of anxiety in your comments about how long it’s taken you to adjust to changing sleep patterns and your need to move this man into your home… if you haven’t already found a counsellor, I think that would be a good place to start. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MomInHer40s said:

Well, the problem is that I have gotten used to sleeping with someone in my bed.

So he was sleeping in your bed (with the kids there) before, but now that he's moved upstairs he will no longer sleep in your bed and blames it on the kids?  If this is correct it seems to me he's using that as an excuse not to have sex with you.  For most men it's a problem not getting sex and they would already be thinking of ways to make that happen.  This seems strange to me.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why can he tolerate his kids but not yours?  

My guess, because they are his kids and their presence in the home is time limited. He may well use the time when they are not there to recharge. 

The other thing that’s likely happening here, the honeymoon phase is ending. Early on, in a new relationship, he didn’t mind coming to stay at your home when he had his kids. But, add the fatigue and stress of a divorce, a job, children, and now a new partner that has gone from “exciting new relationship” to “live in partner with all the expectations, demands, and stress of a long term relationship” and suddenly, he needs more space and time to himself.

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Early on, in a new relationship, he didn’t mind coming to stay at your home when he had his kids.

Sorry, that should have said he didn’t mind coming to your home when you had your kids. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, MomInHer40s said:

To be honest, I am most distraught by how this was imposed on me without a discussion. I would never have done that to him. If I had trouble sleeping in his bed, I would have addressed the issue with him and asked him how he felt we could solve this issue together. I would never have imposed something on him like that, but instead included him in the brainstorming for solutions. If he had done that, and we came to the conclusion that it was best for now to sleep in separate rooms, it would have been less upsetting. 

I’m sorry…but

 

hes not getting sleep with you when kids are there.  He’s getting sleep in his own bedroom.

 

is it the kids fault?  Hard to say if it is or he’s using it as an excuse.

 

some people are light sleepers that easily wake up with any noise.

 

maybe another big factor in this problem is your bed/mattress.  What’s the difference? Does he have more room to sleep in his bed? Does he sleep on a very different mattress dtyle that allows him to get a deeper sleep.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

So he was sleeping in your bed (with the kids there) before, but now that he's moved upstairs he will no longer sleep in your bed and blames it on the kids?  If this is correct it seems to me he's using that as an excuse not to have sex with you.  For most men it's a problem not getting sex and they would already be thinking of ways to make that happen.  This seems strange to me.

last time ichecked…it takes two to tango.  

 

my ex would not have sex if her daughter was home.  She was in high school at the time. Not the situation of a little kid running into the bed due to a scary dream.

[MomInHer40s]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

May I ask how old your children are?   If they are early teens, can they be alone if you go shopping or while you work?   I'm just wondering if installing intercoms between the two apartments may relieve their anxiety.

If they aren't old enough to be left alone  yet, then it's not going to work

 

My kids are 7 and 10. Initially he suggested I maybe sleep upstairs when the kids are with me. I said that I would ask the kids how they felt about it, but if they weren't comfortable, I wouldn't do it. I asked them and they were very upset at the idea (it's two floors up). I don't feel comfortable making the kids miserable for his needs. But that also puts me in a difficult position of having to choose between my partner and my kids. I feel not great about that. 

[MomInHer40s]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

But what about when his kids are over?  Doesn't he experience the same thing?  In your last thread you said both your kids were under age 10.  Why can he tolerate his kids but not yours?  

Has his divorce been finalized yet?  You said he was stressed out by his ex in your last thread and you didn't feel you were getting enough quality time with him.  It sounds like nothing has changed?

He's been separated nearly 3 years, but still in a custody battle (going to Trial in the spring). It has been very stressful for him as his ex is trying to make his life as difficult as she possibly can, and is trying every trick in the book to keep his kids away from him. So when he has his kids, his focus is 100% on them, rightfully so. That's fine with me, and I get along really well with his kids, and my kids and his get along really well too (they hit it off the first time they met). So no issues there. 

[MomInHer40s]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So he was sleeping in your bed (with the kids there) before, but now that he's moved upstairs he will no longer sleep in your bed and blames it on the kids?  If this is correct it seems to me he's using that as an excuse not to have sex with you.  For most men it's a problem not getting sex and they would already be thinking of ways to make that happen.  This seems strange to me.

Well, long story there. He hated his apartment before. He chose it at a bad time of year and in a rush when him and his ex separated. It was supposed to be temporary but then he was living there for a few years. It was a nicely renovated basement apartment in a very trendy part of town, but small and a basement. So, when we met he started spending more and more time at my place finally in late the spring he would almost never sleep at his place anymore. He never said anything about the situation then. But the minute he moved in, he suddenly was looking for excuses to not sleep downstairs, until he finally said he wouldn't do it anymore. Our sex life was really great until that moment, and then just totally dried up the minute we stopped sleeping in the same bed. 

[MomInHer40s]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Imaybe another big factor in this problem is your bed/mattress.  What’s the difference? Does he have more room to sleep in his bed? Does he sleep on a very different mattress dtyle that allows him to get a deeper sleep.

He has a queen bed. Crappy Wayfair bed but a decent new mattress (the bed is super squeaky though, and I hate having sex in it. It's very distracting!). I have a king bed with lots of nice duvets and feather pillows. My mattress is 6 years old and perhaps not quite as firm, but it's a high quality mattress and it's really quite comfortable. 

[MomInHer40s]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

My guess, because they are his kids and their presence in the home is time limited. He may well use the time when they are not there to recharge. 

The other thing that’s likely happening here, the honeymoon phase is ending. Early on, in a new relationship, he didn’t mind coming to stay at your home when he had his kids. But, add the fatigue and stress of a divorce, a job, children, and now a new partner that has gone from “exciting new relationship” to “live in partner with all the expectations, demands, and stress of a long term relationship” and suddenly, he needs more space and time to himself.

Perhaps you're right. It does feel that things are a bit different since he moved in, although we don't really spend more time together (in fact, it's probably quite a bit less with the sleeping apart, and otherwise him now having his own space, and him often catching up on work or chores in the evening). Before, we used to make time for quality time and do activities, now it seems quality time is harder and harder to find, and the time we spend together is more "domestic". I like socializing and doing things, but when I start booking things for myself with friends or family, he complains that I never have time for him because I have too many plans. So I try to plan things when our schedules don't align (my ex goes to conferences or work trips every 6 weeks or so, and then we switch weekends). I was ok accomodating this, and it wasn't like he doesn't like my friends and would never let me plan things with them where he was also included. But now that he wants to spend less time with me, it feels a bit like a double standard. 

[Tullyseptember]

Is he paying rent?  If so, put the breaks on the relationship until he has a reasonable conversation with you on a compromise.

If he isn't paying rent, he should be and don't compromise on the rent amount!!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MomInHer40s said:

My kids are 7 and 10. Initially he suggested I maybe sleep upstairs when the kids are with me. I said that I would ask the kids how they felt about it, but if they weren't comfortable, I wouldn't do it. I asked them and they were very upset at the idea (it's two floors up). I don't feel comfortable making the kids miserable for his needs. But that also puts me in a difficult position of having to choose between my partner and my kids. I feel not great about that. 

7 and 10 are way too young to be left on their own while you're in an apartment on another floor.  What if there was a fire, or someone started puking in the night?  Or strange noises?

He should never have asked this of you

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, MomInHer40s said:

He has a queen bed. Crappy Wayfair bed but a decent new mattress (the bed is super squeaky though, and I hate having sex in it. It's very distracting!). I have a king bed with lots of nice duvets and feather pillows. My mattress is 6 years old and perhaps not quite as firm, but it's a high quality mattress and it's really quite comfortable. 

You are looking at this from your perspective ( selfish) and not his.

Herr is a different perspective….

 

im allergic to feather pillows. I don’t sleep with thrm.

my parents had different preferences around mattresses so the used separate smalletpr mattresses in a king bed frame because of their sleeping preferences.  What you think is great for you might not be for him.

 

you might have changed your behavior when he moved there that he caught up on.  When yougutys were first going he sacraficed a lot fir you. Now he is going back to who he is.  He might want time to himself like he had without his kids around.  At your pkace he might be too self conscious…and not relax

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MomInHer40s said:

My kids are 7 and 10. Initially he suggested I maybe sleep upstairs when the kids are with me. I said that I would ask the kids how they felt about it, but if they weren't comfortable, I wouldn't do it. I asked them and they were very upset at the idea (it's two floors up). I don't feel comfortable making the kids miserable for his needs. But that also puts me in a difficult position of having to choose between my partner and my kids. I feel not great about that. 

It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that you should sleep apart from your children - your 7 and 10 year old children. In Canada, children are not to be left alone under the age of 12 years old. To think, they would be alone at night. I was very frightened to stay alone at night when I was younger. My niece is 13 now and she waits up for her parents when they leave her alone in the evening. She can’t sleep when they are not home. I would have been the same. I can’t believe that you even entertained the idea and asked your children how they felt. If my partner suggested such a thing, it would probably be the end of the relationship. It shows very poor judgment and it’s a very selfish ask. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by BaileyB