My gf asked me to move in with her soon but does this sound like a good idea?

[Els]

On 9/24/2022 at 11:11 PM, ironpony said:

oh yes for sure, I wouldn't want to be the sole carer. She just wanted me to move in to see how it would go but she herself said she wouldn't want to be a carer and just want to live together as equals to see if it works and she will try to support me in certain years and I can try to do the same for her. Or at least that's what she is asking for and that sounds pretty good to me, ideally.

With all due respect, have you ever tried going through your own LS profile and looking up all the threads you have made about this girl???

When you are incapable of living on your own, and you move in with a person who is capable of living on THEIR own, there is inherently a sort of power imbalance. And when your relationship with that person is fraught and unstable, this power imbalance will be unhealthy and potentially even dangerous. Unhealthy to you, and unhealthy to her as well.

Have you attempted to begin therapy yet?

 

[poppyfields]

Nevermind, changed mind about posting it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

My gf asked me to move in with her soon but does this sound like a good idea?

No, not a good idea. Just chip in for some groceries and sleep over more to spend some time together.

[poppyfields]

@ironponyif I may ask, why are you unable to get your own place and care for yourself? 

From reading your posts, you appear to be quite a high-functioning autistic person capable of earning a decent living, maintaining a successful long term ship, you have a keen self-awareness that many "normal" (for lack of a better word) people don't possess, you have a good job that you show up for everyday, are capable of earning a large amount of money ($200,000) by making movies, investing it and protecting it, etc. 

It doesn't make sense to me that given all this, that at nearly 40 years of age, you still rely on your parents to take care of you and now you're considering moving in with your girlfriend and having HER take care of you? 

What am I missing here?  Surely something, again  it doesn't make sense. 

My advice is go get your own place.  Live on your own, it's not difficult especially for someone as high-functioning as you appear to be. 

After some time on your own, then discuss moving in with girlfriend.

I think your parents have done you a real disservice by not encouraging this, you are a high-functioning autistic person and should be treated as such imho.

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I'm not. I'm going off the OP's own words, which are that he "had trouble living on [his] own".

"Had trouble" is vastly different to your statement "literally incapable".    In diagnostic terms, these statements are so different that they would affect the diagnostic outcome.   Which is why I put the question about what he needs assistance with.  

Quote

I haven't been on LS for a long time, but last I checked, the OP is not seeing a health professional for his disability, and isn't even going to therapy.

 

Autism isn't an illness and doesn't require ongoing support from a health professional.  Ok, some need psychiatric assistance, but many don't.   Some have co-morbidities which a health professional, but many don't.   As for therapy, I have seen some areas where ironpony could do with the support and he has been interested, but the main problem seems to be that his work clashes with 9-5 hours which a therapist works.  And there's also the problem of finding the right therapist.

I know I sound rather passionate here, but as a mother to an ASD child, having a number of very high functioning friends who are on the spectrum and having worked in the sector in different capacities, I'm all about giving people the support they need to help them meet their personal goals. 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@ironponyif I may ask, why are you unable to get your own place and care for yourself? 

From reading your posts, you appear to be quite a high-functioning autistic person capable of earning a decent living, maintaining a successful long term ship, you have a keen self-awareness that many "normal" (for lack of a better word) people don't possess, you have a good job that you show up for everyday, are capable of earning a large amount of money ($200,000) by making movies, investing it and protecting it, etc. 

It doesn't make sense to me that given all this, that at nearly 40 years of age, you still rely on your parents to take care of you and now you're considering moving in with your girlfriend and having HER take care of you? 

What am I missing here?  Surely something, again  it doesn't make sense. 

My advice is go get your own place.  Live on your own, it's not difficult especially for someone as high-functioning as you appear to be. 

After some time on your own, then discuss moving in with girlfriend.

I think your parents have done you a real disservice by not encouraging this, you are a high-functioning autistic person and should be treated as such imho.

Oh okay thanks.  Well I have a bad memory problem, and that has gotten in the way of living on my own, such as forgetting to pay certain bills, or other things like that.  So I need help with the memory problems, but maybe I can do that and still live on my own...

Plus I am told I have bad judgement as well, so maybe people think I can't do it, if it's true I have bad judgement.

Edited September 26, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  Well I have a bad memory problem, and that has gotten in the way of living on my own, such as forgetting to pay certain bills, or other things like that.  So I need help with the memory problems, but maybe I can do that and still live on my own...

Using diaries or setting up your bills for automatic payment would be two ways to get around this.  Otherwise, if your girlfriend is already managing the bills, nothing will change if she continues doing it for the both of you

[ironpony]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Using diaries or setting up your bills for automatic payment would be two ways to get around this.  Otherwise, if your girlfriend is already managing the bills, nothing will change if she continues doing it for the both of you

My parents kept telling me how automatic payment is a bad idea before.  I cannot remember why as I have not had this conversation for years, but I can try that.  A diary had not helped because I keep forgetting to look in the diary, but maybe I can get around that.

[basil67]

Possibly your parents are worried about the service provider billing you with something which isn't OK?   But if you're thinking about utilities like gas, water, electricity or even credit card bills, they will either post or email you the invoice before it gets charged to your account so you can check them as they arrive. 

I understand about forgetting to look in a diary.  I still prefer a paper diary, so it sits open next to me on my desk so that it's content are always visible.  Important things like bills can be highlighted or written in red to make them stand out.     Another option is that most regular bills run in predictable cycles, so you could also have an alert set on your phone to remind you to pay each bill when it's due.   There are loads of different ways to do this according to your needs.  

 

[ironpony]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Possibly your parents are worried about the service provider billing you with something which isn't OK?   But if you're thinking about utilities like gas, water, electricity or even credit card bills, they will either post or email you the invoice before it gets charged to your account so you can check them as they arrive. 

I understand about forgetting to look in a diary.  I still prefer a paper diary, so it sits open next to me on my desk so that it's content are always visible.  Important things like bills can be highlighted or written in red to make them stand out.     Another option is that most regular bills run in predictable cycles, so you could also have an alert set on your phone to remind you to pay each bill when it's due.   There are loads of different ways to do this according to your needs.  

 

That's probably what they are worried about.  But if I don't have my parents to remind me of invoices though, I keep forgetting to check them though.  The alert goes to my phone, but I am often and work at do not hear it and the message does not stay on the screen for long.  It just for a few seconds, and if I am working and miss it, then it will not appear on my screen again, unless I manually go looking for any alerts, which I forget to do.

Edited September 26, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

If you set a series of regular reminders in your phone calendar, you can set them up so that they keep reminding you until you dismiss them.  And you can also make the alerts stay on your screen waiting for you to look at the phone next.   There is so much technology to help you with this.   

(edit to add: you can also do your paperwork on a regular day at a regular time.  For example, I do mine on a Wednesday morning.  You could make a calendar reminder to sit down and do that)

Also, your girlfriend said she'd be happy to help you.  As she would already be paying the bills, so it would be easy for her to continue doing it.  This is the kind of help which would be very easy for her to give you.  Most of all though, talk with her about the areas you need support and her thoughts on helping you with each thing.  

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

Is there anything else you might struggle with if you move out?  

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is there anything else you might struggle with if you move out?  

Not that I can think of right now. Thanks.

I can try to come more tech savvy with phones.  Thanks!

well I was told I got my girlfriend to help me with all that that she would just become my mom but maybe people are just being pessimistic about the idea?

Also, when I was told I have bad judgment I wonder if that's true though...

[poppyfields]

@ironponydo you want to live on your own and become independent? 

Many people with mental disabilities, more severe than autism, live on their own. 

They receive proper training for it, paid for by the government if they can't afford. 

That training will teach you how to do all the things you claim you cannot do now, which given your steady job, how you handle the large amount of money you've acquired, makes very little sense to me. .

Things like keeping notes on your fridge of when certain bills are due, what days to go food shopping, precise lists.  In case you forget. 

There is also subsidized housing for those with disabilities.  

It is highly encouraged that they learn to live on their own and become functioning independent adults which is why these services exist!

 I am shocked your parents and others have not looked into this and encouraged this for you. 

By continuing to coddle you like a child, and instill in your mind you're incapable, they are harming you. 

My young cousin has a severe mental illness - schizophrenia- about as serious a mental illness there is and HE lives on his own in a small government subsidized lovely studio apartment with a view of the ocean.

On the open market, that studio would rent for around $1,600 per month, HE pays $400.

He has a case worker and a job.

I'm sorry but there is absolutely no excuse to justify a 40 year old high-functioning autistic person such as yourself to not be independent and living on your own.

Again I ask, do you even want to?  Perhaps you enjoy being coddled and protected and living with no responsibilities?

I am not asking this to be disrespectful, I only ask because I am utterly confused, it makes very little sense to me. 

 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Most companies and or your bank can send you regular alerts on how much and when they will be deducting out of your account. I use it and it's great. I get in the form of text messages and emails so I have a record of it. You can even get alerts when purchases are being made. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

Not that I can think of right now. Thanks.

I can try to come more tech savvy with phones.  Thanks!

well I was told I got my girlfriend to help me with all that that she would just become my mom but maybe people are just being pessimistic about the idea?

Also, when I was told I have bad judgment I wonder if that's true though...

 

You don't have to become tech savvy - it's OK to get someone to set this up for you or sit with you and teach you how to do it.  I'm quite often handing my iphone to my daughter to organise because she knows far more than me (and does it in a fraction of the time)   Remember, the goal is to get the alerts set up.....but it doesn't matter who sets them up  

Regarding people saying that your girlfriend would become your mom, remember that these things got said without them asking what you can and can't do for yourself.  They are commenting based on nothing more than assumptions.  

And every single poster here has been guilty of bad judgement at some stage in their lives.  Some posters can give excellent advice to others, yet make bad decisions over and over again in their own lives.  So yes, perhaps your judgement hasn't always been the best, but the rest of us here are far from perfect.  Nobody is perfect.  

Edited September 26, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

I have to echo @poppyfields and say that I too, think your parents have been holding you back.   That's not to blame them, they are doing their best with the skills and knowledge they have, but learning to live independently is so important.   Your parents aren't going to be around forever, so whether it be living alone, sharing with a girlfriend/wife or a housemate, it's important to start developing the skills that you need.

[ShyViolet]

@ironpony, at almost 40 years old, if you don't have the life skills to be able to manage basic things like being able to pay bills and live on your own, you should be making it a priority to get yourself the counseling, therapy or training to work on these things.  You shouldn't be jumping from living with your parents to living with a girlfriend who is going to do these things for you as if she's your mom.  Something is missing here.  You need to develop these life skills to be able to be a functioning adult.  Your parents are not going to be around forever and you might not always have a girlfriend who is willing or in a position to be your surrogate parent and do everything for you, that you should know how to do yourself.

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Something is missing here.

I echo this sentiment....

[Ami1uwant]

On 9/23/2022 at 1:15 AM, ironpony said:

We have been dating for a year and five months now about and she asked me to move in with her after Christmas to see how it would go living together, so we know the future of the relationship would be.

It's just I live with my parents and have had trouble living on my own since I am autistic.  But she says she will help with that and support me.  I love her very much, but I feel my parents will freak if I tell them I am moving in with a gf as they may not fully trust her intentions, or just worry and think I cannot make it with her, which may be true, but I won't know until I try?

Does it sound like a good idea, and I should just tell them, and move in with her in a few months?  Thank you for any advice on this!  I appreciate it!

Curious as an aside here…what is the issue in you living on your own?    
 

from that what will you expect from her?  Do you want her to be your new mother?

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Curious as an aside here…what is the issue in you living on your own?    
 

from that what will you expect from her?  Do you want her to be your new mother?

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

Oh no I definitely do not want her to be my mother.  I guess I am just scared because my parents say I cannot do it and I will screw up and I haven't gotten out much, so that scares me.

But I definitely don't want to be a mooch and be coddled either.  I put in my part of the responsibilites with parents so far.

Edited September 27, 2022 by ironpony

[Ami1uwant]

23 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  Well I have a bad memory problem, and that has gotten in the way of living on my own, such as forgetting to pay certain bills, or other things like that.  So I need help with the memory problems, but maybe I can do that and still live on my own...

Plus I am told I have bad judgement as well, so maybe people think I can't do it, if it's true I have bad judgement.

You have trouble paying bills…

 

therr are ways to do that such as automatic payment or you write down on a tasking list on a list you need to do like on a calendar on your phone or a calendar book where you write down  things like power bill is due on the 5th of e each month, the cell phone on the 17th of each month and so on.

 

you set a routine like a certain day of the week like Wednesday you do laundry that day.

 

in a relationship things can be shared equally where both do them, or they can be divided up like she does the bill paying stuff and you do the laundry.  Dhe cooks dinner, you clean up afterwards. 
 

that kind of chore divide is common in all relationships.  One might be better than the other in doing certain tasks that the other hates.  In my brothers marriage he’s clearly the better cook. He cooks dinner. She helps in some food prep work and handles the dishes. She’s the one who does the laundry while he does work that he can in/ outside the house on fixing/ repair work.  He does more on bringing kids to sports practices.  She will go to games. He’s more capable of working on a laptop anywhere while she is more easily distracted. Even during Covid she’d go to her office to do work while he stayed at home.

it’s about e erroneous has different strengths and weaknesses snd it’s about how you two are together.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

@ironpony, at almost 40 years old, if you don't have the life skills to be able to manage basic things like being able to pay bills and live on your own, you should be making it a priority to get yourself the counseling, therapy or training to work on these things.  You shouldn't be jumping from living with your parents to living with a girlfriend who is going to do these things for you as if she's your mom.  Something is missing here.  You need to develop these life skills to be able to be a functioning adult.  Your parents are not going to be around forever and you might not always have a girlfriend who is willing or in a position to be your surrogate parent and do everything for you, that you should know how to do yourself.

From my own personal experience….

 

my parents thought that they’d have to take care of me the rest of my life when I was a teen.  They didn’t believe I could succeed. It bothered me.  I was determined to prove them wrong and I did.

 

i have a mild genetic form of aspergers/ASD that runs in my mothers family.  I have a cousin who wasn’t classic aspergers but he was worse than me.  He could take care of himself.  He did online dating and he found someone.

 

his mom told me it would like she had a magic key that got him to open up and be a different person.  
 

with the OP she might be that type of person.  
 

i ran into this with my parents, especially my mom, she would constantly criticize what I did I basically said forget it.  Nothing I did would have satisfied her.  He might be in a similar environment with his parents where they didn’t encourage him. Rather than conflict with them, he just lets them do it to avoid the problems.

 

i recall one time I was in my early 20s and my sister was in her late teens. My parents were out of town for a week so we were home alone.  When they were gone I did things. My sister was shocked.  When they came home she’s like you’d ne er guess but he did all these things.  I said she was nuts….I didn’t.  They believed me.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 my parents say I cannot do it and I will screw up

This is extraordinarily unhelpful of your parents.  How can you succeed if you're not given a chance to practice in a supported manner?   

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by basil67

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

@ironpony, at almost 40 years old, if you don't have the life skills to be able to manage basic things like being able to pay bills and live on your own, you should be making it a priority to get yourself the counseling, therapy or training to work on these things.  

This is true, @ironpony. You owe it to yourself to do this.

I understand your parents' fears and their desire to protect you. But if their beliefs are holding you back from reaching your full potential, they aren't doing you any favors. I don't know how you would go about looking for information about the resources available to you. Maybe that's a good place to start.