Nissu Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 Hi everyone, looking for some insights & if anyone has navigated a similar situation. For background, I live on East coast but travel for work & met someone unexpectedly on West coast during a trip. We started having coffee dates, then lunch & dinner dates over approx 2 wk time frame before I had to leave & travel again. For the past 3wks we have communicated multiple times each day via text & calls. We settled into a communications routine & spend at least an hour at bedtime chatting. He has been totally transparent with his life & no red flags have popped up so far. We both have flexibility to split time on either coast, work from anywhere there is an internet connection, and no kids at home to manage for context. I am travelling back this weekend and will be there for 2wks & we have already made specifc date plans & day trips to do/see things. During our dates, he was perfect! Respectful, not pushy, not trying to ply me with alcohol, great conversations, funny, smart, considerate, our values are aligned, we want the same long term goals…..he literally is everything I have been looking for in a partner & has been clear that he wants to pursue a future together as an exclusive couple while we figure out logistics. Due to my work travel, I don’t quite feel like this is a LDR since we both can split our time. Here is where I am struggling….I do not have social media & although he has done nothing to warrant any suspicions from me, my past “baggage” is triggering me & fear/doubt is creeping in. As in, what if he is not who he has portrayed himself as, or is there a really bad skeleton in the closet he hasn’t fessed up about that would be a dealbreaker for me, an existing girlfriend, etc. I am keeping these fears in check by reminding myself his words & actions align, I verified his divorce info via court records & ran a background check where all info fit what he has shared about himself. I have a habit of self-sabotaging relationships & desperately do not want my own fears & baggage to derail something that has been really wonderful so far! Any advice on navigating the logistics & keeping my own fears in check without derailing? Thanks for reading!
stillafool Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 Advice: Don't go looking for things that aren't there. You've spied enough, just relax until he gives you a reason to doubt. 1
BrinnM Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 I’ll keep this relatively short, in order to tackle the social media issue quickly. You could create a fake account on each SM platform you think he might be on, and try to find things there. Emphasis on “try”, because most ppl have their SM set to private, and you won’t see much if you’re not directly connected to them. It’s worth a try, though, if you really want to know. And I know you do, as you’ve already verified his divorce records. Good for you, better safe than sorry! You could also ask a friend to check his SM out for you, but this will take a really good, discreet friend that won’t judge you and keep things between you and them. I’d do it myself. Depends on how savvy you are with these things. Many will tell you to not do it, that trust is important, but if you’re suspicious about his love life and general situation, then go for it. If you’re completely against playing PI, that’s cool…..not sure how far along you are, but at some point you’ll be invited to his house anyhow (unless you already have been), and you may get a general feeling about what his living situation is like. What’s he himself saying about his dating life? I mean, if he’s divorced, with no children, he might be dating around a little bit, who knows. There’s nothing wrong with that, either, generally speaking, but I’m sure that you’ll have the exclusivity talk sooner or later, and that’ll be a good opportunity to bring it up.
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 50 minutes ago, Nissu said: I don’t quite feel like this is a LDR But it is a LDR. Even if theoretically you both can travel. WFH etc. Your angst seems to be consistent with an LDR in that you really do not have a day-to-day relationship and really do not know each other. See how this trip goes, but keep in mind that these visits reflect a minivacation, not real life.
glows Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Nissu said: Hi everyone, looking for some insights & if anyone has navigated a similar situation. For background, I live on East coast but travel for work & met someone unexpectedly on West coast during a trip. We started having coffee dates, then lunch & dinner dates over approx 2 wk time frame before I had to leave & travel again. For the past 3wks we have communicated multiple times each day via text & calls. We settled into a communications routine & spend at least an hour at bedtime chatting. He has been totally transparent with his life & no red flags have popped up so far. We both have flexibility to split time on either coast, work from anywhere there is an internet connection, and no kids at home to manage for context. I am travelling back this weekend and will be there for 2wks & we have already made specifc date plans & day trips to do/see things. During our dates, he was perfect! Respectful, not pushy, not trying to ply me with alcohol, great conversations, funny, smart, considerate, our values are aligned, we want the same long term goals…..he literally is everything I have been looking for in a partner & has been clear that he wants to pursue a future together as an exclusive couple while we figure out logistics. Due to my work travel, I don’t quite feel like this is a LDR since we both can split our time. Here is where I am struggling….I do not have social media & although he has done nothing to warrant any suspicions from me, my past “baggage” is triggering me & fear/doubt is creeping in. As in, what if he is not who he has portrayed himself as, or is there a really bad skeleton in the closet he hasn’t fessed up about that would be a dealbreaker for me, an existing girlfriend, etc. I am keeping these fears in check by reminding myself his words & actions align, I verified his divorce info via court records & ran a background check where all info fit what he has shared about himself. I have a habit of self-sabotaging relationships & desperately do not want my own fears & baggage to derail something that has been really wonderful so far! Any advice on navigating the logistics & keeping my own fears in check without derailing? Thanks for reading! I suggest you both figure out the logistics first before getting too wrapped up and involved emotionally. I agree it remains a long distance relationship. If you both want to make it work have some clarity about what you’re dealing with first and be more honest with yourselves. This may or may not work out. Either way there are options locally so don’t lose hope or get discouraged.
Ami1uwant Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Nissu said: Here is where I am struggling….I do not have social media & although he has done nothing to warrant any suspicions from me, my past “baggage” is triggering me & fear/doubt is creeping in. As in, what if he is not who he has portrayed himself as, or is there a really bad skeleton in the closet he hasn’t fessed up about that would be a dealbreaker for me, an existing girlfriend, etc. I am keeping these fears in check by reminding myself his words & actions align, I verified his divorce info via court records & ran a background check where all info fit what he has shared about himself. I have a habit of self-sabotaging relationships & desperately do not want my own fears & baggage to derail something that has been really wonderful so far! Any advice on navigating the logistics & keeping my own fears in check without derailing? Thanks for reading! Skeletons in the closet….everyone has them. That stuff comes out later. Generally not early in dating. as you get to know someone you do want to ask them questions to find out stuff about them like past relationships, have kids? Want kids? Religious/ political views? Do you share common values? Share common interests? living style? Night owl? Etc. you know what’s important to you….do they meet these requirements first before you even get to look in the closet
ShyViolet Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Nissu said: As in, what if he is not who he has portrayed himself as, or is there a really bad skeleton in the closet he hasn’t fessed up about that would be a dealbreaker for me, an existing girlfriend, etc. You DON'T know that, because this is literally just a guy you have gone on a few dates with. You don't know this guy, this is literally someone you just met, and you aren't supposed to know everything about him at this point. You are just getting to know him and finding out if he is someone who you could have a relationship with. So don't let yourself get carried away with huge expectations. Once you have known him longer, you will feel more comfortable that you can trust him. But it's premature to expect that now.
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 This why we "date", to get to know them, the good and the bad. Any relationship is a crap shoot. As for social media, anyone can fake that, have ones under an assumed name etc. The red flag is when they start asking to borrow money...that's your cue to run for the hills. 1
mark clemson Posted September 21, 2022 Posted September 21, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Nissu said: I have a habit of self-sabotaging relationships & desperately do not want my own fears & baggage to derail something that has been really wonderful so far! Any advice on navigating the logistics & keeping my own fears in check without derailing? Thanks for reading! You CAN'T have a relationship without taking some "emotional risk". That's not avoidable for normal people who become emotionally attached. You CAN talk to a therapist or psychologist about what may be the underlying drivers for your propensities and see if there are ways to address them. (If you aren't doing that already.) I have heard it said that women have a sort of internal "detective agency" when it comes to assessing men and do a lot of analyzing. Not sure that's actually true for all women, but from what you write it seems to me like you do have one, and that yours may be in "overdrive" for whatever reasons. Edited September 21, 2022 by mark clemson 2
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2022 Posted September 22, 2022 (edited) So you may discover he has a gf....and if so then you'll cross that bridge when you get there. You'll be disappointed, you'll get over it and you'll move on. Every human being on the planet is taking a risk when they enter a relationship. Enjoy the moment! Edited September 22, 2022 by Gaeta
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2022 Posted September 22, 2022 17 hours ago, Nissu said: Ihave a habit of self-sabotaging relationships & desperately do not want my own fears & baggage to derail something that has been really wonderful so far You have good insight into this. That may be why you sought out a LDR. It's not really about if he's cheating, married and verifying all this,etc etc. . It's about avoiding real relationships because of past hurts and baggage. These mini-vacation are refreshing and fun but not a way to build anything so in effect you're still "protecting" yourself through sabotage.
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