Kuzzi Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I'm new to the forum and am looking for some advice. A friend of mine ended an 8 year relationship about 6 months ago. (prior to that, she was with someone else for 8 years) The night they broke up, we ended up together. We started dating immediately, and she even moved in (but moved out 3 weeks later). She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. She says she still wants to date me but wants to date other people. She said she's just not ready for the emotional committment. She says I'd be the perfect girlfriend and has nothing but good things to say about me. We talked every couple days either on the phone or via text-message. About 1 1/2 weeks ago, we hooked up, but we both knew it was just that. We talked last week, and I had an emotional break-down. Now, I haven't heard from her. Everyone says that she just hasn't been alone in 16 years and needs to experience things. She said she didn't want to risk losing what we had, but she's doing just that. She also says that she's messed up and doesn't know her emotions from one day to the next. She's in therapy and continues to go but I'm sure she's not thinking about me. What do I do to get through this? She knows how much I love her and want to be with her. Her friends say she just needs some time, and she'll be back. Any advice????
rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Sounds like you have already run the full relationship course in one speedy round: friends, dating, living together, breaking up, hooking up, and questioning every step in between. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Keep a few post-break things in mind: 1. There is a good reason you two were friends before this: she likes you! Don't forget that, esp. while she is unavailable to you. 2. She probably DOES need some time alone. Maybe you've had too much of it which makes this distance between you even worse. 3. If you return to being her friend, you will accomplish two things. Firstly, you will help her regain her bearings and get back in touch with who she is/what she wants, etc. This is an important step for her to feel whole again before she becomes part of any couple. And you will also be able to be with her along the way. If you are an angry lover instead of a supportive friend, she may not have room in her life right now for that. She needs to recover. And so do you. 4. Were you secretly pining after her while she was in either of these previous two relationships or did you just surprisingly hook up one night? Do one or both of you feel "obligated" to be with the other because your friendship turned sexual one night? Hang in there, ask yourself some questions, stay supportive, and don't forget to take care of yourself! It's a crappy situation for both of you - I'm sorry. Good luck!!
Author Kuzzi Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 rammy123 Neither of us ever thought about getting together. We just went out as friends and one thing led to another. I know that I do love her. She wants to date me and other people. Why would she need to date other people if I'm perfect for her? (according to her) She's been in therapy to work things out, but that doesn't really mean "we" will work out. She broke my heart. She knows she hurt me and doesn't do well with that. Her friend and I have been in touch (actually I'm the one that told her friend we broke up) Her friend seems to think that this is just something she needs to do and she'll be back, but I'm not so sure. I regret opening up my big, emotional mouth to her. She did tell me that she missed me while calling me hon. Why fight it? Her relationship was over a year before she broke it off. Her and her ex were in therapy together for a year. Could she possibly not be over her ex? or need to "grieve?"
miss_mary_mack Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 is it? please don't be offended if it isn't, but what with the "her friends say" and the u-haul move-in move-out, and the year-long breakup with the ex gf ---and you're not using pronouns!!! heh heh i'm a lesbian, btw. and my advice is leave her alone - let her contact you. don't try to be friends right now, it'll just break your heart more & make you look like a loser. if she wants to be your gf, she'll let you know. if she wants to just be friends again, set boundaries - decide if it's good for *you* to be her friend at this point. and learn your lesson! if you want to keep friends, don't sleep with them!! it hardly ever works out :-)
rammy123 Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 How hard! Especially when your feelings run so deep. If she thinks you're "perfect" for her as a lover, then should should only want to date you. Otherwise, she wants you as a perfect friend, free to befriend others. Unless you are willing to have an open relationship, both of you seeing other people as well as each other, then you need to stay out of this -- it will be way too emotionally trying. And hurtful. You don't deserve that. What you do deserve is to have your friend fully recovered, cognizant of her actions, and able to put into exact words how she feels about you, if she can love you and only you, and if she is willing to do so. I hope it works out the way you want it to. It sounds like she is over her ex, and needs time to grieve losing 16+ years of her life in failed relationships. Do you want to wait until she figures it out?
Author Kuzzi Posted October 26, 2005 Author Posted October 26, 2005 ah...miss mary...you are correct. I'm not a big fan of the pronoun game but sometimes it's hard since you don't know who's out there. You're right...I'm just going to leave her alone and let her figure things out. I hate the drama. I don't normally sleep with my friends...what a hard lesson learned. We actually were more like acquatences than anything else. I'm not offended to say the least... I think the moving in so quick freaked her out. She wasn't ready for another long-term relationship. The only thing I have going for me is that when we were together, it was great. She may need time to take care of her own crap, and time will tell. I have no patience for this, though. I guess I just don't understand. She's definitely said she's not ready for an emotional committment. Don't you think she should have figured that out before she moved in? That's when she freaked... Have you been there before?? Rammy - thanks for the advice. You're right...if I'm "perfect" for her than yeah, she should only want to date me. But...what if she's truly messed up in the head since the last relationship?
Ruff Ryder Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 miss_mary_mack - she is dead on target. Take that advise try it.
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