Big phone related red flag?

[basil67]

13 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

1 Usually she kinda just leaves her phone lying about with not much of a care but lately ive seen her take it downstairs to the toilet atleast twice.
2 She has passcodes, Face ID and fingerprints to keep it locked (This isn't much of a big deal alone, since I have fingerprints on).
3 The content of her notifications that pop up has been hidden, so instead of it being 'SNAPCHAT : John Smith says :*blah blah blah*: it reads 'SNAPCHAT : 1 NEW NOTIFICATION. She only seems to do this with Instagram, WhatsApp and Snapchat.
4 Atleast 4 times in the last month or two I've woken up abruptly, swung my head round and she's been on her phone, but when she sees I'm awake and rustling about she quickly locks it, puts it down and says 'Morning'.
5 I've noticed atleast 5 times lately where she has put her phone face down on her side of the bed.

But she seems to daydream a hell of alot and looks like she isn't present and it's got me thinking.
 

I'm not cheating and most of this describes my phone social media use

1.  A high percentage of the time I'm in and out of the bathroom quickly but occasionally I'm looking at something interesting and take the phone with me

2. As you noted, most of us have passwords on our phone

3. I don't have details of messages appearing on my screen.  If I see the notification, I'll go and see what it is

4. She quietly scrolls on her phone while waiting for you to wake up, and when you do, she puts down the phone and is present with you.  Sounds like good manners to me

5. My phone is always face down at night because if some alert does come in, I don't want to be woken by the flash of light.

There is seriously nothing to see here

 

Edited September 20, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Break it down one by one.

Taking the phone into the bathroom? not unusual.
Having passwords? not unusual.
Pop-up notifications? possibly unusual.
Waking up with her on the phone? Well, I would think if she doesn't want you to hear her conversations she wouldn't be having them right next to you.
Phone face down? possibly unusual.

 

[poppyfields]

Biggest red flag imo?

It's new behavior.

May mean something, may mean nothing.

Continue observing is my advice. And if it escalates to the point it's obvious something untoward is going on, simply end it. 

Bye and next. 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, are you dating this woman exclusively? Do you consider yourselves a couple?

Look, she is going to see right through any "lighthearted" questions about why she takes her phone to the bathroom, even if you frame it as a joke and smile. She didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday - she's going to know exacty what you're really asking. 

So if you are going to approach her about this, be honest about your concerns. Be direct.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

She slept with some guy? Twice?

get rid of her! She doesn’t respect you! 

S2B unless I am mistaken, I think that was before the two of them started dating?

In agreement with ExpatInItaly.

Stop tippytoeing around.

It doesn't seem as though her recent behaviors are something you feel you can overlook or just pass off as a nothing burger. 

I would directly address it. That's what I did in the past.

It's not going to be easy or fun, but it's necessary. This isn't a movie, so don't count on some bombastic “walk in on them” revelation. Reflecting on what is driving your suspicions is good. Relationships and betrayal are seriously emotional things that require a clear mind. You'll have to talk to her at some point and you might not have perfect information.  

Whatever your reasons for overreacting or what she is doing, you have been together for six months so talk with her. Be confident in voicing your concerns and fears. It's as simple as telling her what's on your mind and letting her speak.

Your relationship will certainly be affected by bringing this up, but it’s a whole lot better than it would be if you just let those feelings ferment.

Edited September 21, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

On 9/20/2022 at 7:07 PM, gr00vythumbz said:

• Atleast 4 times in the last month or two I've woken up abruptly, swung my head round and she's been on her phone, but when she sees I'm awake and rustling about she quickly locks it, puts it down and says 'Morning'.
• I've noticed atleast 5 times lately where she has put her phone face down on her side of the bed.
 

Is this actually new behaviour - or are you noticing it more?   Thing is, if my husband's phone doesn't light up in the night, I wouldn't have a clue if it's face up or face down - it's not something I'd even think to look at.   Could it be that she's always been putting it face down sporadically and you've only just noticed?  

With the browsing of her phone occasionally in bed, what did she used to do if she woke before you?    Also, if she was in the middle of something suspicious, don't you think she'd be doing this more than her current, sporadic browsing?   Four times over four to eight weeks is very low incidence.

[poppyfields]

What’s interesting about this is that if the OP were to ignore these signs and discover later that she was in fact cheating, posters would be asking him “Did you not notice any signs?  Surely you must have noticed some strange behavior, why did you ignore it”?

As other posters who have been cheated on have attested to, in retrospect there were signs but they chose to ignore.  Either they didn’t want to face the reality of it or were in denial about it.

OP, I stick with my original opinion.  Continue paying attention and observing.  It’s called being smart and self-protective.

It doesn’t mean you don’t trust her, what it means is that you have noticed some peculiarities in her behavior that you had not noticed previously and have chosen to not bury your head in the sand about it.

It either means something or it doesn’t, the truth will come out eventually, it always does.

.

Edited September 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/21/2022 at 7:14 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, are you dating this woman exclusively? Do you consider yourselves a couple?

@gr00vythumbz, my questions above may have been missed, but can you elaborate on what your relationship status is with her at this point? 

[Acacia98]

[ ]  I think your best bet is to follow @poppyfields' advice. Better to be cautious and to observe (with your eyes wide open) than to make assumptions and accuse. It may turn out that there's nothing to be concerned about or that you have reason to worry. I'd also advice that you use protection when having sex.

My last point: if other issues emerge (or have emerged) that cause you to mistrust her or make it clear you're incompatible, then it's best to end things immediately. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
wrong poster tagged

[gr00vythumbz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

@gr00vythumbz, my questions above may have been missed, but can you elaborate on what your relationship status is with her at this point? 

We are a couple. Dating exclusively. She mentioned she wanted exclusivity and that's what we are. 

Before somebody 'wise' chimes in with 'Well there you go, there's your answer, why would she lie if she wanted exclusivity?'.. tons of folks want their cake and to eat it. Want exclusivity AND to flirt with the idea of talking to other people. Want to be in a couple yet act shady on the side. 

There's been some solid advice apart from one or two, so thank you.

I'm enjoying time with her and most things are good - apart from these niggling things - which could indeed be just her being private. But I have a hunch that she's doing these things with her phone lately because she may be talking to someone she shouldn't or have things on her phone that would break trust, hence why I'm asking advice on an advice forum on how to tread down this treacherous path. Too heavy handed and accusatory and all is lost and damaged, too blind and dumb to it and I risk further future hurt. Gotta play it smart.

Edited September 22, 2022 by gr00vythumbz

[Alpacalia]

What is preventing you from checking in and telling her that something feels off or different in the relationship and you would like to explore that with her?

Straightforward and tactful communication can be done without being accusatory.

Talking about your concerns in a way that shows you care about your relationship and your girlfriend. It doesn't seem like you do at the moment if you think she's this sneaky person that you keep referring to her as.

[smackie9]

I would suggest either FWB situation or an open relationship so you both can equally flirt, talk or see other people. Being Monogamous/committed obviously isn't her thing. That's the conversation you should have.

[salparadise]

On 9/22/2022 at 6:46 AM, gr00vythumbz said:

Too heavy handed and accusatory and all is lost and damaged, too blind and dumb to it and I risk further future hurt. Gotta play it smart.

Exactly. Don't tip your hand due to mere suspicions. If she up to something she'll just start being more careful. If she not, then you damage the relationship by voicing your suspicions. What you want is for her to be more careless and brazen (if suspicions are founded). In fact, I'd be inclined to give her enough rope to hang herself... create an opportunity and see what happens. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, salparadise said:

, I'd be inclined to give her enough rope to hang herself... 

Wow. Great way to be in a budding relationship. Unfortunately this sounds like a war or divorce strategy, not a way to build a relationship.

[glows]

On 9/22/2022 at 3:46 AM, gr00vythumbz said:

I'm enjoying time with her and most things are good - apart from these niggling things - which could indeed be just her being private. But I have a hunch that she's doing these things with her phone lately because she may be talking to someone she shouldn't or have things on her phone that would break trust, hence why I'm asking advice on an advice forum on how to tread down this treacherous path. Too heavy handed and accusatory and all is lost and damaged, too blind and dumb to it and I risk further future hurt. Gotta play it smart.

Observe and stay if you have the time for it. From what you’re describing none of this sounds enjoyable. 

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, salparadise said:

In fact, I'd be inclined to give her enough rope to hang herself

You're with the wrong person if one must do this.

[gr00vythumbz]

I brought it up last night. I wasn't accusatory. But nor did I shrivel up. I was open, calm and inquisitive about why she does these things with her phone. Immediately as I mentioned this is my issue she seemed surprised and also handed me her phone to go through - I declined.

Her reaction seemed positive to be honest. She didn't squirm. She wasn't defensive. She was shocked I felt this way if anything and then went onto to say she did not know how to aid this thought process of mine since it is my issue.

She said she put the phone down in the mornings to be nice and greet me first thing and that she puts her phone face down because she doesn't want the light lighting up at 2am etc.

I feel a weight has been lifted since I brought it up because I really wanted to mention it but also now I feel a little dumb this was her response and she was mega calm.

Maybe I have some issues in regards trust I got to work through. Its good to be curious and observant but maybe handing over full trust to someone isn't something that comes naturally to me.

Edited September 24, 2022 by gr00vythumbz

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, gr00vythumbz said:

She was shocked I felt this way if anything and then went onto to say she did not know how to aid this thought process of mine since it is my issue.

She said she put the phone down in the mornings to be nice and greet me first thing and that she puts her phone face down because she doesn't want the light lighting up at 2am etc.

What she said makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately the cat's out of the bag about what she correctly identified as "your issue".

[gr00vythumbz]

It is good the cat is out the bag I believe.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

I brought it up last night. I wasn't accusatory. But nor did I shrivel up. I was open, calm and inquisitive about why she does these things with her phone. Immediately as I mentioned this is my issue she seemed surprised and also handed me her phone to go through - I declined.

Her reaction seemed positive to be honest. She didn't squirm. She wasn't defensive. She was shocked I felt this way if anything and then went onto to say she did not know how to aid this thought process of mine since it is my issue.

She said she put the phone down in the mornings to be nice and greet me first thing and that she puts her phone face down because she doesn't want the light lighting up at 2am etc.

I feel a weight has been lifted since I brought it up because I really wanted to mention it but also now I feel a little dumb this was her response and she was mega calm.

Maybe I have some issues in regards trust I got to work through. Its good to be curious and observant but maybe handing over full trust to someone isn't something that comes naturally to me.

Good. No use in observing and playing detective and blah blah blah.

Glad it worked out.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

No use in observing

Oh I think there's a lot of good use in observing. 

Everyone should be observing.  If something seems off, talk about it. 

Not in an accusatory way but to seek understanding.

OP you handled it perfectly! 

Edited September 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Observation is definitely appropriate in some situations.

Especially in the scientific method. 

Sometimes we humans tend to tell ourselves stories, and then look for any clues that reinforce these narratives. 

 It is a gift OP to be able to actually sit down and openly communicate with your girlfriend. I'm glad you were both able to do that!

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

 She was shocked I felt this way if anything 

I'm sure she was shocked. Things may seem ok for now but this inquisition will help her decide in the future.

Nobody wants to be in a relationship where you're guilty until proven innocent. With respect, personally I would never put up with that kind of baggage.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[gr00vythumbz]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I'm sure she was shocked. Things may seem ok for now but this inquisition will help her decide in the future.

Nobody wants to be in a relationship where you're guilty until proven innocent. With respect, personally I would never put up with that kind of baggage.

Nah things seem okay now I have mentioned it and it doesn't feel awkward at all. I'm glad I have mentioned it and I am trying to remain positive.

Also baggage is something i guarantee me, yourself and many others will have.

[giotto]

I think you've handled it well and your girlfriend has shown maturity in dealing with your issue.