Big phone related red flag?

[gr00vythumbz]

I've been dating this girl for about 6 months. While she isn't as much of an open book as previpus partners, she certainly isn't as sneaky as my ex.

Yet there's a few niggles I have :

• Usually she kinda just leaves her phone lying about with not much of a care but lately ive seen her take it downstairs to the toilet atleast twice.
•  She has passcodes, Face ID and fingerprints to keep it locked (This isn't much of a big deal alone, since I have fingerprints on).
• The content of her notifications that pop up has been hidden, so instead of it being 'SNAPCHAT : John Smith says :*blah blah blah*: it reads 'SNAPCHAT : 1 NEW NOTIFICATION. She only seems to do this with Instagram, WhatsApp and Snapchat.
• Atleast 4 times in the last month or two I've woken up abruptly, swung my head round and she's been on her phone, but when she sees I'm awake and rustling about she quickly locks it, puts it down and says 'Morning'.
• I've noticed atleast 5 times lately where she has put her phone face down on her side of the bed.

One if these could be nothing. But all three or four in combination seems fishy. The sex is as it was. She is still massively affectionate and she still dresses the same etc etc. So no concerns in other areas really.

But she seems to daydream a hell of alot and looks like she isn't present and it's got me thinking.

A) Has this happened to anyone else and how did you handle it?
B) How do I broach this subject without making her super aware I'm aware if that makes sense?
C) Is this all a huge red flag?

Thanks

Edited September 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, gr00vythumbz said:

I've been dating this girl for about 6 months. she certainly isn't as sneaky as my ex.

 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? How long ago did you break up with your "sneaky ex"?

6 mos is the getting to know you and having fun period.

She is smart to have appropriate security on her property like her phone. Would you leave your car and house door unlocked? Would you broadcast your bank account numbers and so on to random people? 

You seem to not trust her based on bad past experiences. Perhaps start there rather than assuming all this nefarious activity is going on with her phone. Or end it.

Edited September 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[gr00vythumbz]

I actually broke up with my sneaky ex (and yes she was sneaky with her phone mainly) a long long time.back. like 4 years. 

Maybe the residuals have run into this experience I dunno.

I just think it's a tad odd that's all.

She's 29 and I'm.32. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, gr00vythumbz said:

I just think it's a tad odd that's all.

She's 29 and I'm.32. 

Not at all. People should have locks on their private property.

You just seem annoyed that you can't invade her privacy to either quell your suspiciousness or simply do some injustice collecting.

Does she attempt to rifle through your phone and property?

 

[gr00vythumbz]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not at all. People should have locks on their private property.

You just seem annoyed that you can't invade her privacy to either quell your suspiciousness or simply do some injustice collecting.

Does she attempt to rifle through your phone and property?

 

Of course not no. I must say I haven't rifled through her phone and if given the opportunity I don't think I would, purely because I think it would ruin things.

But I'm just wary since a) some of these signs / things can point towards someone being secretive because they have something to hide (of this I have no doubt and I'm not crazy for thinking this) and b) some weird changes in her behaviour in regards her phone have weirded me out

What do I do? Shut up, dont mention it and blindly trust her?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, gr00vythumbz said:

  some weird changes in her behaviour in regards her phone have weirded me out

What do I do? Shut up, dont mention it and blindly trust her?

It's only 6 months. If you are not compatible and wish to end things that's fine. You don't have to find suspicions.

Some people are more private than others. She seems to be tech savvy and have boundaries. If that, to you, is uncomfortable, you could just end it.

If only 6 mos in you're already freaking out that she is hiding things and cheating, it may be better to just cut your losses.

[gr00vythumbz]

Nah I really like her I don't intend to sever. 

Hence why I'm here, tryna tread lightly and not make it a huge issue with her.

I just know the signs that she may be exhibiting that may just be privacy could easily also instead be secretive nature. Alot of people would agree with this.

Edited September 20, 2022 by gr00vythumbz

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gr00vythumbz said:

could easily also instead be secretive nature. Alot of people would agree with this.

At your own peril, confront her. While you may come off as controlling or paranoid, who knows? From what you stated she seems tech savvy not allowing random people to paw through her phone. You seem annoyed that you can not browse through it. But frankly, that's an unreasonable invasion of privacy.

As far as browsing through her phone while you're still sleeping, so what? it's her phone and yes, she has friends, family, coworkers and news she may want to catch up with. If you and your people agree she's acting suspicious, just spare both yourselves the headaches and heartaches and end it. It's better than feeling jealous, suspicious and distrustful, no?

Edited September 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[gr00vythumbz]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At your own peril, confront her. While you may come off as controlling or paranoid, who knows? From what you stated she seems tech savvy not allowing random people to paw through her phone. You seem annoyed that you can not browse through it. But frankly, that's an unreasonable invasion of privacy.

As far as browsing through her phone while you're still sleeping, so what? it's her phone and yes, she has friends, family, coworkers and news she may want to catch up with. If you and your people agree she's acting suspicious, just spare both yourselves the headaches and heartaches and end it. It's better than feeling jealous, suspicious and distrustful, no?

A) Second time I'll have to state this clearly : I do not wish to paw through her phone, merely spot any potential weird behaviours that, may I add, are common amongst those who hide things on their phone (especially in combination).

B) I'm not a random person.

C) I never stated browsing through her phone at night was odd. I do this all the time. I said me waking up, swiveling my head to look across and her locking her phone, dropping it like a hot stone and greeting me seemed - on multiple occasions- odd.

Do I trust her to not cheat? Yes. Do I think some of her behaviours in regards her phone are abit wonky? Possibly yes.

Its not all on/off, black/white, easy/hard. There is a grey area inbetween that is visible to all who aren't obstinate, rigidly thinking and uncompromising in situations like these..
 

Edited September 20, 2022 by gr00vythumbz

[glows]

I’d look at her personality and character as a whole. Sex may be good with her and she looks pretty but it doesn’t sound like you trust her. In a trusting, loving and solid relationship these issues don’t come up, OP. 

I’d urge you to look at the relationship as a whole. Too often members hyper focus on what appear to be cheating traits or very specific issues like this (phone use). The questions you might be asking yourself are: am I compatible with this person long term? Do we share similar views or goals? Can I see myself being open with this person or trust them? If the answers are all no or a good deal of them are no, the writing is on the wall.

Don’t fall into the habit or trap of focusing too much on one or two details. I would not bring it up either. Decide if she’s the person for you and move on or let it go.

[Rider on the Storm]

Based on the multiple examples that you provided, and assuming that you aren't being overly paranoid, I think it's fair to consider that her actions may be a bit off. 

I agree that attempting to search her phone or to be accusatory is a  bad idea. Have you ever discussed your past "sneaky ex" with her? When you wake up in the middle of the night/morning and see that she's on her phone (before quickly putting it face down on her side of the bed), could you just say "Good morning. Is everything ok?", just to see how she responds to that question? 

Is it fair to assume that you are both exclusive after 6 months?

Edited September 20, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

B) I'm not a random person.

At 6 mos in you are someone she just started dating. You are already suspicious. Many smart people keep their phones locked. As far as greeting you upon awakening rather than ignoring you and continuing to flip through her phone? Well ok that seems polite but you see this as sketchy. If you want it to bother you that she may be "sneaky" like your ex, you're entitled to destroy this based on that.

[gr00vythumbz]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

At 6 mos in you are someone she just started dating. You are already suspicious. Many smart people keep their phones locked. As far as greeting you upon awakening rather than ignoring you and continuing to flip through her phone? Well ok that seems polite but you see this as sketchy. If you want it to bother you that she may be "sneaky" like your ex, you're entitled to destroy this based on that.

Nope wrong yet again. 

The greeting me when I wake up is not the issue.

Read back again. 

No 'destroying' will happen, that is apocalyptic talk.

Thank you for your advice.

Edited September 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Based on the multiple examples that you provided, and assuming that you aren't being overly paranoid, I think it's fair to consider that her actions may be a bit off. 

I agree that attempting to search her phone or to be accusatory is a  bad idea. Have you ever discussed your past "sneaky ex" with her? When you wake up in the middle of the night/morning and see that she's on her phone (before quickly putting it face down on her side of the bed), could you just say "Good morning. Is everything ok?", just to see how she responds to that question? 

Is it fair to assume that you are both exclusive after 6 months?

This^. 

OP, it's good you're paying attention and observing, that's what we all should do be doing during these precarious early stages and even beyond.

It's those who choose to ignore strange new behaviors or shuffle under the rug who end up getting blindsided later. 

I don't call it being suspicious per se, more you're being, again, observant and paying attention.

7 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

Usually she kinda just leaves her phone lying about with not much of a care but lately ive seen her take it downstairs to the toilet atleast twice.

This^ is what stands out to me, the fact that it's NEW behavior. Combined with making a point to lock her phone, phone calls during middle of night, etc. 

You're not 'wrong' for questioning it, at this point to yourself. 

I like what @Rider on the Stormsuggested, "Good morning, is everything ok"?

Gauge response.  

IF something untoward is going on, eventually it will show its face.

But for now, say nothing and continue observing, but if it continues or escalates, consider mentioning it.

Not in an accusatory manner, but to simply find out what's going on.

For me, I enter relationships trusting until they give me reason not to or to question my trust. 

And if a boyfriend were exhibiting this new strange behavior - on phone in the middle of the night, making a point to lock it, keep face down, taking phone downstairs to the toilet, etc -  I'd be wondering too.

 

 

Edited September 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

It's a red flag to watch out for if she suddenly starts hiding things from you. 

What do you think she's hiding on her phone? Are you worried that she has secret naughty photos, texts, etc? Even if she is not cheating or hiding anything bad from yo that negative feeling, however, can breed mistrust. At the same time, if your suspicions are wrong, you will have indirectly called her a liar.

It's fine if your girlfriend wants her own time with her phone. She has every right to keep her phone private. There are, however, some behaviors that are not normal when it comes to using a cell phone. It's not necessary for you to see everything she does on her phone. At the same time, if you know your girlfriend is going out of her way to hide her phone from you, then something is definitely up.

You don’t want to be naïve or gullible because people do this all the time.  Tough spot for sure.

[kgcolonel]

Groovy, 

I can see what has got your attention.  It's the change in behavior, not necessarily the behavior itself that has you triggered.  I think when you come to a forum like this, you get all kinds of opinions.  Some of those opinions are a result of past experiences, such as maybe someone else was caught in a precarious situation by their SO through snooping through their phone and thus you can see that there is hypersensitivity to that specific topic.  Like you having a past Ex that was sneaky, you carry that past experience with you and likely are hypervigilant to that behavior.  Don't let other's opinions set you back from what you want in this relationship.  If you deem it "no-longer" a positive experience, then move on.  You don't need a bunch of outside opinions who don't know all the details make or overly influence your decisions based on less than a page of text you have put down here.  

Also, a relationship should be based on trust and the ability to talk through challenging situations.  Protect yourself and strive to enjoy your life and the companionship you have, until you can no longer enjoy it.

[gr00vythumbz]

I think it is wisest for me to keep shtum for now, quietly observe and then if I see more of this behaviour - gently call her out on it, ie; 'Hey why do you take your phone to pee?' Or 'So how comes you turn your phone upside down?' and then see a reaction.

She doesn't seem the kind of character to get defensive, probably the opposite - just to appease, say sorry a million times etc. It's all very confusing for me.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You are right to be suspicious when she shuts down her phone communication as soon as you wake up.

Major red flag. Major.  Definitely pull back and protect yourself ... and I'll add a piece of humor ... except for if you have a birthday coming up. A friend of mine was freaked out when a friend kept shutting down the phone. Turns out there was a surprise birthday in the works. So unless your partner has a surprise birthday in the works, this behavior is a major sign of trouble. 

 

Edited September 20, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, gr00vythumbz said:

No 'destroying' will happen

If this were a long term relationship that suddenly changed then there could be reason to worry. But it's quite odd that a budding relationship still in the honeymoon stage is  this unhappy and suspicious, no? Why would she be wasting her time with you, getting to know you etc. if she were cheating? Does that make sense to you?

All my devices lock automatically after 5 min of inactivity. Just set that way. Never cheated/been cheated on. Trust is when people don't have to look through phones because of someone's unresolved baggage. Consider being happy and leaving the past in the past instead of reliving the "sneaky ex" issue through every new budding relationship.

[gr00vythumbz]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

If this were a long term relationship that suddenly changed then there could be reason to worry. But it's quite odd that a budding relationship still in the honeymoon stage is  this unhappy and suspicious, no? Why would she be wasting her time with you, getting to know you etc. if she were cheating? Does that make sense to you?

All my devices lock automatically after 5 min of inactivity. Just set that way. Never cheated/been cheated on. Trust is when people don't have to look through phones because of someone's unresolved baggage. Consider being happy and leaving the past in the past instead of reliving the "sneaky ex" issue through every new budding relationship.

Why would she be wasting her time with me if she was cheating or entertaining is warped logic. Loads of people hang on to something current while entertaining looking elsewhere. That's a silly question. 

Your phones own lock settings are of no interest to me and my unresolved baggage as you call it should really be renamed me just being aware of past experiences and seeing signs, as other more astute posters have articulated better than you seem to. 

But thank you.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, gr00vythumbz said:

Why would she be wasting her time with me if she was cheating or entertaining is warped logic.

This has been an issue all along, it seems.

Is this the same woman:?

 

[Rider on the Storm]

1 hour ago, gr00vythumbz said:

I think it is wisest for me to keep shtum for now, quietly observe and then if I see more of this behaviour - gently call her out on it, ie; 'Hey why do you take your phone to pee?' Or 'So how comes you turn your phone upside down?' and then see a reaction.

She doesn't seem the kind of character to get defensive, probably the opposite - just to appease, say sorry a million times etc. It's all very confusing for me.

 

Based on the circumstances provided, I think your concerns are valid. With that said, I would try to approach this in the least accusatory way that you possibly can. That's important. Instead of "calling her out", maybe the next time you see her taking the phone to the toilet say something like, "do you have solitaire on that thing, or something" (with a slight grin). If she appears nervous, or without explanation, maybe then consider escalating your inquiry, or ending the relationship altogether if the distrust issues remain.

[Rider on the Storm]

@gr00vythumbz I just read the thread you posted back in June. In that thread you said this regarding the good-looking drummer that she slept with at some point before you:

My plan, the more I think about it is to give her space and lay low that day, keeping my mind busy. Im coming round to the more hands off approach of 'if shes gonna have sex with this guy, I have zero control over that'. I mean hes a good looking dude but so am I and yes, the sex, to me, seems great.

After this specific night at the bar, were there any indications that she may have slept with this guy again?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Instead of "calling her out", maybe the next time you see her taking the phone to the toilet say something like, "do you have solitaire on that thing, or something" (with a slight grin). 

I would not question her about a habit studies reveal is present in anywhere from 75-90% of people. The distrust is an issue.

It may be best to just end it rather than insist on interpreting her phone (and every other behavior) as "suspicious". Why bother?

 https://studyfinds.org/cell-phones-addicted-americanson-the-toilet/#:~:text=Backing up previous studies which,phone while on the toilet.

[Rider on the Storm]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would not question her about a habit studies reveal is present in anywhere from 75-90% of people. The distrust is an issue.

It may be best to just end it rather than insist on interpreting her phone (and every other behavior) as "suspicious". Why bother?

 https://studyfinds.org/cell-phones-addicted-americanson-the-toilet/#:~:text=Backing up previous studies which,phone while on the toilet.

I agree. The act of taking your phone to the bathroom, alone, is not suspicious. Like many, I do that myself, at times. I'm looking at the examples provided by the OP as a collective whole. Any one scenario, alone, isn't damning, but when you consider each scenario combined, I could understand why one might start to question. He made it sound as if taking her phone to the bathroom is a new thing. If that's the case, I don't think wondering why is unreasonable. I find her putting her phone (face) down as soon as she realizes that he is awake the most odd. 

I would not accuse. I would subtly highlight these scenarios in a non-accusatory way and gauge the response.