Communication

[Lyla6789]

This has happened to me SO MANY TIMES. And I don't understand it at alllll. 

 

You'll be needing a 30 second irl conversation with someone --usually to clear something up-- and they blow you off (maybe still texting but not irl conversation) until you text you need to talk to them and they TEXT "what's up.?"  And you try to wait until you can actually have the conversation (tooooo much gets twisted in text) until 3 days go by and you're so livid because you've been trying to have this conversation and you're getting pissed that something tiny has now been gnawing away at you compounding that you cave and text it and it becomes a HUGE DEAL. When tone of voice and body language could have (probably) kept it at a 30 second eh issue. 

 

I literally broke up over it because the ensuing fight was epic and screaming. When it could've been given literally less than a minute to nip it. (I actually think I just did again but that's whatever) People have no respect for face to face conversations anymore. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Lyla6789
Typo

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened to you - and I agree that text is not the way to solve a problem.   However, if the issue was so significant that it was gnawing away at you for three days and became a HUGE DEAL with fighting and screaming, I doubt a 30 second phone conversation would have solved it.   

May I ask what the issue was?

Edited September 15, 2022 by basil67

[Lyla6789]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry this happened to you - and I agree that text is not the way to solve a problem.   However, if the issue was so significant that it was gnawing away at you for three days and became a HUGE DEAL with fighting and screaming, I doubt a 30 second phone conversation would have solved it.   

May I ask what the issue was?

Not a PHONE conversation a face to face conversation. Real people.

 

Way to complicated to explain the this time around issue. 

 

My last ex it was constant. A text from him confirming or skipping plans would've been enough to quell my frustration day to day. I don't remember what it was the week it all blew up but instead of telling me what was going on (he had a side job he was doing which WAS Legit so why not just say that?) He just ignored me for 2 days. So my "hey are we doing the thing we talked about Saturday night" turned into "why do you hate me". 

 

I feel like even in that situation seeing each other and checking temps would've alleviated the annoyance and later blow up. It's too easy to forget someone's presence when you're talking to them through a phone. I don't know how to say that properly? It's easier to have a conversation in person because you can read their faces and how they're receiving something. Plus if you're with somebody you love or you're attracted at least your pheromones and whatever chems-- their presence comforts you and you deescalate I feel like. 

[basil67]

Sure, a face to face conversation is great and making time to hang out together is important.   

So it sounds like you wanted to confirm plans and he didn't get back to you for a couple of days.  Yes, I can see how frustrating that would be.  But how on earth did this escalate from that to "why do you hate me?"  Which one of you said that?  And why did they they think the other hated them?   

[Lyla6789]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sure, a face to face conversation is great and making time to hang out together is important.   

So it sounds like you wanted to confirm plans and he didn't get back to you for a couple of days.  Yes, I can see how frustrating that would be.  But how on earth did this escalate from that to "why do you hate me?"  Which one of you said that?  And why did they they think the other hated them?  

That's me saying it. I actually remember more ...after trying to decipher not even whether but what exact time we were going to a family function (we'd been together for 18 months/2 years) he decided he wanted to go alone. Decided to inform me of his decision as I was waiting for him to say he was on his way to pick me up.  Do I care that he wanted to go to a family function alone? no not at all -they were super stressful even though I got along with his family great. 

So then that became another thing instead of having some kind of face-to-face after that where I probably would have forgiven him for being incredibly over the top rude he followed it up by more ghosting. So instead of being a bump in the road we ended up having a huge fight and breaking up a week later. We would have anyway because of things I learned about the direction of our lives after. But that was a whole lot of unnecessary grief. Sometimes a temp check goes a long way. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Lyla6789 said:

You'll be needing a 30 second irl conversation with someone --usually to clear something up-- and they blow you off (maybe still texting but not irl conversation) 

I would not meet someone for "30 seconds" when a simple phone call would do. The "we need to talk" text is usually ominous so it's better to sum up what you need to express and just say it.

If you want to get together in person make prior arrangements.  If someone ignores your texts or calls, then they're rude and a "30 second" in person meeting is simply an escalation of anger.

In fact if someone is already getting irate through texts it's best to take a breather not to seek out confrontation.

This was going to end anyway. So whether it was in person, texts, phone calls, whatever, doesn't matter.

If this guy was doing the slow fade rather than ending it honestly and cleanly that's confusing. However if you have a temper, unfortunately some people will do this to prevent escalation.

Edited September 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

Sounds to me he had already emotionally checked out of the relationship. He didn't care to cancel you last minute, he didn't care ignoring you and the effect it would have on you. When a bf/gf don't care anymore if they hurt your feelings or not, it's over. So yes, sometimes small issues get huge on text but this man didn't care enough to fix it. 

Now, why he didn't care anymore might be on you. "why do you hate me" is an over the top statement, it's something people say when they're overly dramatic and want to provoque. That comment is not meant to encourage constructive communication. 

[smackie9]

When they don't bother to see you and let things get sorted in conversation, then they never really had any real interest in being with you. This is the the type to be avoided. People who do give a rat's butt would put care and concern first and that's when you know to invest in the relationship. As they say you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Stop picking these losers. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by smackie9

[Lyla6789]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would not meet someone for "30 seconds" when a simple phone call would do. The "we need to talk" text is usually ominous so it's better to sum up what you need to express and just say it

 

Phone calls are for dialing 911. If no one's bleeding that's way out of line. And i had avoided the we need to talk text, it wasn't like that. It was the thought that it would be discussed next time we were together. We weren't texters to begin with. We didn't have conversations via text we would see each other a few times a week and most every weekend. Theres no reason for constant communication except to plan to get together But 2-3 days of nothing at all was ridiculous.

 

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Stop picking these losers. 

[ ] 

This was well over a year of a relationship. I have never left a text unread or unresponded to-- to anyone let alone someone I'm dating. I ignore a lot of phone calls but I will immediately text you once it stops ringing. 

 

And no, something inside him changed earlier that week and he all of a sudden hated me. We'd had a fabulous weekend preceding it and were getting along great. It was  Night and day. We'd butted heads before over his lack of consideration and planning but nothing like that last week. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Lyla6789 said:

This has happened to me SO MANY TIMES. And I don't understand it at alllll. 

Well, since it keeps happening to you, you are the common denominator so it may be worth your while to check your own temperature, look within versus blaming others. 

The phone is for dialing 911 and if someone isn't bleeding, phone calls are out of line?

Never heard that.  

The phone was invented as a way to communicate when an-person meet is not possible at that time and you need to discuss an issue that can't wait. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive @Lyla6789but you come off quite intense, demanding and difficult. I'm sorry. 

As such, I'm not surprised men are offput, fade or ghost. 

It's unnecessary drama and most people don't respond well to that. 

Learn to be more open and flexible in your thinking is my advice..

Flexibility goes a long way in achieving harmony in your relationships and in life.

All the best. 

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

56 minutes ago, Lyla6789 said:

Phone calls are for dialing 911. If no one's bleeding that's way out of line.

That is not the way the rest of the world looks at phone calls.  

Very few of us are going to meet face to face for 30 seconds.  We will take care of 30 second business with a quick phone call or a text.

From this post, I get a sense that maybe the guys know that they are in for a very dramatic confrontation and they understandably wish to avoid that. Whatever issues you were having were clearly beyond anything that would be resolved by a very brief meeting.  

 

[Lyla6789]

[ ] 

Scene: after work Thursday 

Go to BFs house. Do what we do:  make dinner swap work stories talk hockey or stupid news or whatever. 

 

" Hey are we going to your Parents Saturday?" 

"Yes, I'll pick you up at X:00"///"No I'd rather go this one alone. "

"Ok sounds good" 

Probably 7 seconds, not even 30. 

Continue with the rest of our evening as we would've any other of the nights. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Lyla6789 said:

 

Scene: after work Thursday 

Go to BFs house. Do what we do:  make dinner swap work stories talk hockey or stupid news or whatever. 

 

" Hey are we going to your Parents Saturday?" 

"Yes, I'll pick you up at X:00"///"No I'd rather go this one alone. "

"Ok sounds good" 

Probably 7 seconds, not even 30. 

Continue with the rest of our evening as we would've any other of the nights. 

Ok, but this is not even related to the scenario you put forth in your OP.  In that case the person was not with you face to face.  You  were not together, you were texting.

Of course if people are in the same place at the same time and they make a plan, that's perfectly normal.

If you are dating a guy who will not make a plan with you for a future date when you are actually together, you can safely assume that he doesn't want to make a plan with you, at least not right at that moment.  If that is the case, you can't force it.

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[Lyla6789]

17 hours ago, Lyla6789 said:

 

You'll be needing a 30 second irl conversation with someone --usually to clear something up-- and they blow you off (maybe still texting but not irl conversation)

 

24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ok, but this is not even related to the scenario you put forth in your OP.  In that case the person was not with you face to face.  You  were not together, you were texting

 

Literally the exact issue. 

[NuevoYorko]

15 minutes ago, Lyla6789 said:

 

Literally the exact issue. 

In both scenarios you were face to face but your boyfriend / date / friend whomever was insisting on texting you while you were sitting right there? 

Or is your issue that a guy refused to, or put off making plans with you when you already were physically together, opting instead to get back to you later via text or phone call?  

The way you presented it in your other post it sounded like you had an issue you needed to clear up and you wanted to meet,  which is not at all what this one describes.

In any case, one thing is very clear:  You are contentious and things escalate quickly and unpleasantly.  You described yourself as "livid" (on the other post), I guess because the guy didn't do what you wanted, when and how you wanted, and ended up with "why do you hate me."

Nobody wants that kind of interaction.  If that seems to be what's in store, you will need to get used to people trying to avoid it.  I would.